Went to PA over the weekend, checked out the college, it was pretty awesome. There were two girls in a really bad accident on Friday... One of them died over the weekend. I got back and heard all this, and didn't feel anything. Is that such a horrible thing? The fact that I can hear of two girls, my age, who did nothing wrong and died in a car accident? I sat there, and my insides shriveled for a moment and I thought that maybe this time it would shake something in me. It didn't... Not really. I thought about her parents, and I could imagine their pain... becuase I could imagine my pain if someone I loved were to die. But, I couldn't show it... Not for one instant.

You want to know something funny? When I sat there in homeroom, listening to Shann and Sara talk, I couldn't help but think about that day, really the only day I actually ever saw Joe cry from something that hurt inside. And it reminded me that, even though I cared for him so deeply then, I couldn't react. I jsut sat there, frozen, wanting to cry with him, because I felt his pain, I knew how much he hurt, but unable to act on it. And it was like that day; I just watched these two people sit there and discuss this, Shann crying becuase she had known them both, Sara comforting her, and me... Looking around, wondering where I belonged in this world.

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of life is. I mena, you're born, you live, you die. Is there something you're living towards? Is there a point? Is religion made up so that humans, the ones who bother to ponder their way through this question, have something to live for? Or, is there really something out there, that will reward you for living a good life? And what is a good life, anyway? What makes a person good? You can't make all people happy all the time, and by doing anything you hurt someone else... Whether it should be buying the last Cadbury cream egg so the 8 year old who'd saved all their money for the last week, got there and there weren't any more, or actually shooting someone in the chest, you're always going to hurt someone. Just some things hurt more than others. For everything that is said to make a person good, there are equal reasons that would make doing that same action bad. Is there no right or wrong answer? Who makes the decisions around here?!

Maybe just by living your life and learning from it, because really, that is all that life is.. one big lesson, you're just a pupil to life, and teaching what you learn to others, you are making a reason for life. So, maybe I just haven't learned what it is to cry for others, to act on what I feel. Maybe I just taught it to myself.