It's New Year's Eve, and me, Kate, and Emily are going shopping so we can look cute! I'm excited! It's going to be great! haha Carolyn is coming over early, as is Katie... I think we're gonna head to Josh's before anything really gets started over here, say hi and all that jazz so he knows we love him, then head back and party the night away.

I -love- my new little Zen-pod. That's what I'm calling it, hehe It is so cute! Little and sleek, it makes me want to just run my fingertips up and down it, just so I can feel how smooth and silky feeling it is. Then turn it over quick-as-a-rabbit, and turn up the music so I can't hear the world outside anymore! How awesome is that? Or... just look at the crazy pictures I have of all the things I've done, enjoyed, and laughed about. Maybe I'm a bit obsessed. haha

Naomi, I think you're right. About the situation we talked about briefly. He needs to speak up so I can stop speaking out. *grimace* I did it again. I'm coming to a crossroads where I'm not sure whether I'm glad everyone knows that when I say such hateful things to take them with a grain of salt, or really quite sad that this is becoming the case. I mean, what kind of person must I be, to have to practically train my friends to disregard what I say!? Jesu-crow! Though, I will admit, beyond this one person, I have not done it to anyone else for a -long- time. And I've been very good about it with them, it's just... sometimes I have a bit too much to drink and well, it's just not good for my mean streak. Gives it a bit too much free rein.

Oy. Oy vey.

Alright, now... Here's the question of the night. Who has more faith: Kamikaze pilots or someone dying of cancer who, bcause of their faith, cannot receive chemotherapy or western medicine?

I would like to lay down my thoughts, but I can't, as I have to clean and get ready for shopping... Yeah.

Hahah. Dude, can I jsut say you crack me up with, "I can see how that would go down... Baseball bat in one hand, grenade in the other." ?? I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. Isn't it unfortunate when you run into people who make you feel so helpless that the only way you can think of dealing with it is by... well, I'm sure you get the idea.

Thanks for the support, man. I really need some helping hands when I'm so tied up I can barely see which way is forward.

Speaking of forward- do I even know? No. You need to choose, boob. I know it's hard and I know that if I push, you will go away. But if I don't push, you'll go away, anyway. So... it's a question of, How hard? I've never been good at judging things between "Full Speed Ahead," and "Reverse," so work with me.

And how do you revamp a character modelled on yourself? Because honestly... I don't think I can. If placed in the same situation, how would I act? Probably the same way. Which is why I get the hell out of dodge when placed in that situation, because I know -nothing- good can come of it. Geez... It leaves me two choices really. Make a new character and hate her with every fibre of my being because honestly, friends who's RP style I can deal with, are scarce in the MT, or.... revamp Miss Rain. But I don't know how. This, my dears, is the problem. How do you revamp someone who is acting the -exact- way you would act in a given situation? I suppose react the way you do. Find different friends and give the ones who you're reacting out against, time and space. Unfortunately, this falls into the old... People who's RP style I can stand being scarce, routine. It's a catch-22, and I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe I'll jsut give the MT some time and space. Yeah right. It's vacation and I am going to be bored. Not going to happen. Booo Hiss. This sucks.

I think I'm going to go write Christmas Thank You notes to get them out of the way, and... take the doggies for a walk, see if the trails are open for running (Yeah Right), and... think about the various problems I have encountered and slept on and now can think sorta clearly about.

I think i need to have a chat with Shaina. *narrows eyes* I can see how that idea is going to go down... Like a lead balloon. You know what? -That's- a catch-22, also. I can't fight it because then he'll hate me. I can't weedle it because it won't work. I can't let it lie because then -I'll- hate me. God... I don't think I can win this one. It's another Catfish waiting to happen. OMG... It -is- another Catfish waiting to happen. Fuck. He's got 2 weeks. Make some changes or I'm gone, dude. I will -not- be hurt again.

(Lmao... How many time do I say this, mean it, and revoke it? Oy...)

Oh man! What a great day today! Auntie Heather and Uncle Chris and the kids were over- One of those things you don't realize you missed it until you see them. It always surprises me how things that you take for granted surprise you and make you realize just how fragile they are. Okay.. Time for the SB. hah More later on today.

They're all sitting upstairs eating lobsters. I don't know what my problem is. It's like I can't get out of my own cynical view. I just can't stop weighing things that I took for granted, before. I cna't stop taking even the simplest actions and weighing them against what I know, what I do, what I see with everyone else. And if makes me so unhappy- like I can't just... be here. I have to judge and weigh and just... be so goddamn cynical! I hate it!

On a lighter note, Christmas is fantastic- I owuldn't give up this holiday for anything, even Easter. I just... It's me this time. There's just so much tension. I don't even know if they can feel it. Maybe it's just me and tension I have. But there is tension somewhere... It feels like something is strung too tight and about to snap. I can't really put my finger on it. I want to go back to Narragansett. I would rather be in a house by myself, with nothing to do, than be with my family in a warm house where the people love me, I know they do, and Ive got friends 10 minutes down the road. What is wrong with me?

Oy. Some lighter note, huh? LoL

The party at Auntie Lou's last night was funny as all hell. I drank margaritas with Steph and Chris- it seems like once Steph asked me if I wanted a margarita and I accepted, Chris accepted me. Like... Once i'd proven I was old enough, he could relax around me. Steph, too... Well, more than she'd been, but then again, she was quite buzzed. heh Silly Stephie! Goats in Galoshes, that's all I have to say about that. hahah

Santa, and helpers in the form of relatives, were very nice to me this year, dropping off suck goodies at Zen Microphoto somehting-or-others (Like an IPod, only better!!), awesome tassle-hats, a hair straightener I can be proud of, a magnet sculpture kit, and an awesome camo shirt reading, "Ha! I can see you... But you cna't see me!" among others...

Sitting around the tree this morning with my family was great- I had the dogs all curled up on hte couch with me, like I always somehow manage, and my mom and dad on the loveseat, with my brother in the big comfy chair. It was a great scene. I love watching people open gifts you packed with them in mind- it's the best feeling you can have.

Christmas truly is the best holiday- even if your family is crazy, they can still come together for some things- We went to church! hehe I actually kind of enjoyed it. I'm not sure I want to go every week, but it was nice to just sit down and remember all those little prayers I learned so long ago. I was surprised that I was the only one of the family who didn't have to open the book to remember the Nicene Creed and whatnot. It was kind of exciting. hehe

Anyway, I'm going back to the family scene- the lobster was getting to me, so I had to leave. LoL Yeah... I'm -still- allergic, dammit!