Jane Austen was a tragic figure in literary history. I feel as though many of the truly great writers were- they had to be in order to write as powerfully as they did.
I also feel this is an apt reflection of how I, or any other powerful woman, could end up. And you know what? It sucks. Really. Fucking. Blows.
God, I get so mad just thinking about it! I can't stop crying, which is making me even MORE furious! And you know what? I'm flawed. Deeply, tragically flawed. And she WASN'T! God, that puts me at even more of a disadvantage.
Wow. Jane Austen just... rocked my world. Quite literally. It seems to be happening a lot lately. Does that say something about my state of mind? Am I particularly fragile right now? Do I recognize that even as I confront my fears, I'm just stepping into another box? Or.. is it a reflection of the media I happen to be pursuing?
I want sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. No snow. Just sleep.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I need to go live in the city. That's all there is to it. I know, it's just geography. But maybe sometimes, geography is a necessary part of making change.
Last night, I had a minor epiphany- minor because there were no trumpets or voices singing- about what I -could- be like. I had insight into how small-minded I truly am, and Im reasonably sure it's at least in part to growing up in the environment I did.
But yesterday... It was weird. Surrounded by so much that wasn't like anything I'd ever actively noticed, I was forced to rethink my perspective, and found out something that surprised me!
Last night, I had a minor epiphany- minor because there were no trumpets or voices singing- about what I -could- be like. I had insight into how small-minded I truly am, and Im reasonably sure it's at least in part to growing up in the environment I did.
But yesterday... It was weird. Surrounded by so much that wasn't like anything I'd ever actively noticed, I was forced to rethink my perspective, and found out something that surprised me!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
First off, I am tired. Waaaaaay tired. I am going to bed in like... 2.3 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I frieked out Erin tonight. I don't usually let people see how intense I can get, especially when I'm driving a group of people. I know that when I'm in the car and the driver gets upset, I get really nervous about them driving, so I try not to do it to other people. But I'm sorry... She just pushed the wrong buttons.
I should have a giant sign: "Do NOT push the 'Poe' button. Danger to self and others." It's been almost a month and a half. I should call Wendy. I know that. I know that and I think about it every day, at -least- once a day. But the only reason I think about it is because people bug me about the fact that I don't want to think about it. I don't get it.
Don't you realize how... touchy that is? Don't you realize that I put so much of myself into her that when she left, I lost pieces, and still haven't quite gotten them back? And that hole is back. That deep, dark sinkhole in my heart that nothing fills quite like "my" horse.
Do you realize that I have taken one lesson since then because it. just. hurts. When they left me alone to groom my horse, I broke down crying into his neck because it hurt so much. I seriously though of just putting him back in his stall and walking away. At one point while I was riding I couldn't see because tears were streaming down my face? I blamed it on the cold.
AND THEN... people. well-meaning, good-natured people come. They see the situation. They know how much I could use that money. and they start poking... and prodding... and pushing.. and I take it, quietly at first, getting louder, getting more angry, getting more violent, until they hit the "poe" button and then LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! comes screaming out of my mouth as tears come in torrents from a face too red and blotchy, and fists balled up at my sides. Just. Leave. Me. Alone.
I am a perfectly responsible person. I always do what is expected and necessary. I rarely fall out of line. On anything. So maybe, when I look you straight in the eye and tell you I'm cool with it, you should just take it on my word that I am willing to let this one go. And by willing, I mean giving it a solid kick in the pants and not staying to watch the door score a hit on the way out.
In any case, I'm pretty sure I frieked Erin out tonight. She got a dose of intensity that no one should have to deal with sober. Sorry. You hit the "Poe" button. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I frieked out Erin tonight. I don't usually let people see how intense I can get, especially when I'm driving a group of people. I know that when I'm in the car and the driver gets upset, I get really nervous about them driving, so I try not to do it to other people. But I'm sorry... She just pushed the wrong buttons.
I should have a giant sign: "Do NOT push the 'Poe' button. Danger to self and others." It's been almost a month and a half. I should call Wendy. I know that. I know that and I think about it every day, at -least- once a day. But the only reason I think about it is because people bug me about the fact that I don't want to think about it. I don't get it.
Don't you realize how... touchy that is? Don't you realize that I put so much of myself into her that when she left, I lost pieces, and still haven't quite gotten them back? And that hole is back. That deep, dark sinkhole in my heart that nothing fills quite like "my" horse.
Do you realize that I have taken one lesson since then because it. just. hurts. When they left me alone to groom my horse, I broke down crying into his neck because it hurt so much. I seriously though of just putting him back in his stall and walking away. At one point while I was riding I couldn't see because tears were streaming down my face? I blamed it on the cold.
AND THEN... people. well-meaning, good-natured people come. They see the situation. They know how much I could use that money. and they start poking... and prodding... and pushing.. and I take it, quietly at first, getting louder, getting more angry, getting more violent, until they hit the "poe" button and then LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! comes screaming out of my mouth as tears come in torrents from a face too red and blotchy, and fists balled up at my sides. Just. Leave. Me. Alone.
I am a perfectly responsible person. I always do what is expected and necessary. I rarely fall out of line. On anything. So maybe, when I look you straight in the eye and tell you I'm cool with it, you should just take it on my word that I am willing to let this one go. And by willing, I mean giving it a solid kick in the pants and not staying to watch the door score a hit on the way out.
In any case, I'm pretty sure I frieked Erin out tonight. She got a dose of intensity that no one should have to deal with sober. Sorry. You hit the "Poe" button. I'm sorry.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I wrote Matt... At least I think it's Matt, Cal-Matt a letter. On Facebook. Oh yeah, who's hyperventilating every time she gets a notification from Facebook? That would be this stupid girl, right here! *points*
:: She had been curious; there was nothing but the want, the desire, the need... She shouldn't. It was absolutely forbidden, a breach of trust and the boundaries of friendship and everything she'd enjoyed so much- all this she knew. And all this could no longer restrain her. She just... had to. It was like a siren's call. Every once in a while it hit, this irresistible urge to -try-. To satiate the curiosity that played just under the surface of every word, every thought, every... thing connected to him. Granted, nothing had prepared her for the day that curiosity was sated- honestly, she'd never thought it would happen. It wasn't the prize that interested her, it was the puzzle. But... now that the puzzle was solved? :: Crap. Seriously, how was I supposed to know they'd just put their names out there for anyone to see?? :: A laugh burbled out, pleasant in its midrange notes, as the caller accused her of being a creepy stalker. Eyes the color of that blue children use to color an ocean picture widen and her nose wrinkles as she contemplates the possibility, chuckling under her breath. :: Yeah, thanks, you're a huge help! Alright, I'll see ya this weekend. Love you, Mom. :: She snaps the cell phone closed, stares at it for a couple seconds as her good humor collapses, anxiety forcing her expression into seriousness. God, what had happened? What now?? ::
Sometimes, I feel like writing outside of myself is the only way to depict anything.
:: A glance at the clock. :: Shit! :: Getting late, had to be up early for PT. Damn knees. So much stuff to do this week. The thoughts flew through her head- shadowing, assignments, exams, work, don't forget Erin's books, study study study!!, get Mom's tickets- oh that'll be fun! The computer playing Tori Amos binged, "Mail!" and just getting the mouse to the icon nearly had her heart through her chest. Then... the sight she'd hoped would never come- "Facebook". Adrenaline surged, heart pounded, breath shallow, Erin had written something. She blinked at the merciless trickster, that Facebook email, and had a sudden urge to laugh- breathless, relieved, shaky. Laughing at herself. Of course it wouldn't be him... ::
:: She had been curious; there was nothing but the want, the desire, the need... She shouldn't. It was absolutely forbidden, a breach of trust and the boundaries of friendship and everything she'd enjoyed so much- all this she knew. And all this could no longer restrain her. She just... had to. It was like a siren's call. Every once in a while it hit, this irresistible urge to -try-. To satiate the curiosity that played just under the surface of every word, every thought, every... thing connected to him. Granted, nothing had prepared her for the day that curiosity was sated- honestly, she'd never thought it would happen. It wasn't the prize that interested her, it was the puzzle. But... now that the puzzle was solved? :: Crap. Seriously, how was I supposed to know they'd just put their names out there for anyone to see?? :: A laugh burbled out, pleasant in its midrange notes, as the caller accused her of being a creepy stalker. Eyes the color of that blue children use to color an ocean picture widen and her nose wrinkles as she contemplates the possibility, chuckling under her breath. :: Yeah, thanks, you're a huge help! Alright, I'll see ya this weekend. Love you, Mom. :: She snaps the cell phone closed, stares at it for a couple seconds as her good humor collapses, anxiety forcing her expression into seriousness. God, what had happened? What now?? ::
Sometimes, I feel like writing outside of myself is the only way to depict anything.
:: A glance at the clock. :: Shit! :: Getting late, had to be up early for PT. Damn knees. So much stuff to do this week. The thoughts flew through her head- shadowing, assignments, exams, work, don't forget Erin's books, study study study!!, get Mom's tickets- oh that'll be fun! The computer playing Tori Amos binged, "Mail!" and just getting the mouse to the icon nearly had her heart through her chest. Then... the sight she'd hoped would never come- "Facebook". Adrenaline surged, heart pounded, breath shallow, Erin had written something. She blinked at the merciless trickster, that Facebook email, and had a sudden urge to laugh- breathless, relieved, shaky. Laughing at herself. Of course it wouldn't be him... ::
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Etc. etc.
Oh dear... Mac discrimination again!! ACK! think I just inhaled a fruit fly. Now, the correct question would be, " Abbi, why do you have a single fruit fly in your room?" And my answer will be a cutely quizzical look and, "You know? I have no IDEA. Guess he got lost!"
I find the selection of entries I put on here to be slightly amusing. And by slightly I mean... kinda hilarious. Why in God's name I would put that one about boogie monsters, I have no idea.
I deliberately took my blog address off here, because... well, honestly, I have gotten used to no one looking at it and I kind of like it that way. No censorship, no worries about being thought about. I'm very content to be... cellophane. Unseen and unthought of. I guess my true loner-ness is coming out, huh?
Shit... Forgot to do my lab stuff... Oops.
Just so you know, I know this is going nowhere. And I'm strangely cool with it. No offense. Thanks for putting up with me... I realize I'm a lost soul for the most part. Always wandering, never finding.
Here. I'll help you out. Stereotypical. Even down to the physical features. I think you'll agree, and if not, then you've yet to see it. hahah (I read it after I copied and pasted it. I already knew it would be ~95% spot-on. hahah Have fun.)
Aries:
Self-confidence
Courage
Impatience
Impulsivity
Arrogance
Enthusiasm
Initiative
Leadership
Opinionated / stubborn
Forceful
Irritable
Straightforward
Generosity
Aries are believed to have a strong, athletic, well-proportioned body. They also can have an elongated face with a well-rounded and broad forehead. The chin is also prominent. Many females will have definitive jaw lines and accentuated cheekbones. Both will have strong eyebrows that knit together as well as clear and penetrating eyes. There is a ruddy cast to the complexion and the noses of both sexes are high-bridged and straight.
Aries is a very confident, enterprising sign. It is courageous, quite bold and somewhat argumentative. Aries can also be irritable, quick tempered, but usually does not hold a grudge. It can be restless, sometimes intolerant and contentious. It can be quite vocal when it doesn't like something. It can turn aggressive when strongly annoyed, although Venus influences can mitigate this. Although it often does not consider itself so energetic, it tends to be very active and on-the-go, and can be quite hard-working.
This is an assertive sign, and it can be very stubborn in its way of looking at things. Aries is mostly direct, and hates keeping things inside, but sometimes may resign to this out of necessity (which can make him feel ill). It seeks to bring things out into the light, so that they can be dealt with properly and effectively.
Aries natives often have a kind of raw authenticity to them. They tend to be rather impulsive and adventuresome, a doer more than a talker. This sign is mostly sharp and to the point. It has an intensity to it, and its natives tend to be completely invested in whatever they do and feel. On the other hand, they may be too intensive and dramatic at times. A strong Taurus influence can help soothe it. Aries tends to be all-out and strongly marshalled when putting out effort, however it may prefer to use a more brute force as it sometimes lack the patience to deal with small, subtle details. A strong Saturn or Capricorn influence may alleviate this issue. Similarly, there is usually a tendency to leave loose ends, which can be mitigated by the aforementioned influences.
Aries natives tend to be more zestful and humorous, and have a certain childishness to their character, although Saturn may take away from this. There's often an affinity for games, and they keep a certain youthfulness as they grow up which can give them great charm.
Aries tends to be rather simpleminded, but may sometimes look at things a bit too simplistically. It can be quick to jump to conclusions, which may often get the better of him. It tends to be rather generous and big-hearted, and can become very annoyed and stirred-up with what it considers as injustice (which may be rather subjective). It tends to have a soft spot for the underdog, but in a harsh chart it can nevertheless act aggressively with it when irritated.
Although often considered strong, Aries people are actually quite sensitive at their core. This sign has a great difficulty in dealing with the loss of its kin and friends. It may especially take a beating when several of these happen together, which in a weak chart may end up in a nervous breakdown.
Aries tends to dislike whiny people.
Oh dear... Mac discrimination again!! ACK! think I just inhaled a fruit fly. Now, the correct question would be, " Abbi, why do you have a single fruit fly in your room?" And my answer will be a cutely quizzical look and, "You know? I have no IDEA. Guess he got lost!"
I find the selection of entries I put on here to be slightly amusing. And by slightly I mean... kinda hilarious. Why in God's name I would put that one about boogie monsters, I have no idea.
I deliberately took my blog address off here, because... well, honestly, I have gotten used to no one looking at it and I kind of like it that way. No censorship, no worries about being thought about. I'm very content to be... cellophane. Unseen and unthought of. I guess my true loner-ness is coming out, huh?
Shit... Forgot to do my lab stuff... Oops.
Just so you know, I know this is going nowhere. And I'm strangely cool with it. No offense. Thanks for putting up with me... I realize I'm a lost soul for the most part. Always wandering, never finding.
Here. I'll help you out. Stereotypical. Even down to the physical features. I think you'll agree, and if not, then you've yet to see it. hahah (I read it after I copied and pasted it. I already knew it would be ~95% spot-on. hahah Have fun.)
Aries:
Self-confidence
Courage
Impatience
Impulsivity
Arrogance
Enthusiasm
Initiative
Leadership
Opinionated / stubborn
Forceful
Irritable
Straightforward
Generosity
Aries are believed to have a strong, athletic, well-proportioned body. They also can have an elongated face with a well-rounded and broad forehead. The chin is also prominent. Many females will have definitive jaw lines and accentuated cheekbones. Both will have strong eyebrows that knit together as well as clear and penetrating eyes. There is a ruddy cast to the complexion and the noses of both sexes are high-bridged and straight.
Aries is a very confident, enterprising sign. It is courageous, quite bold and somewhat argumentative. Aries can also be irritable, quick tempered, but usually does not hold a grudge. It can be restless, sometimes intolerant and contentious. It can be quite vocal when it doesn't like something. It can turn aggressive when strongly annoyed, although Venus influences can mitigate this. Although it often does not consider itself so energetic, it tends to be very active and on-the-go, and can be quite hard-working.
This is an assertive sign, and it can be very stubborn in its way of looking at things. Aries is mostly direct, and hates keeping things inside, but sometimes may resign to this out of necessity (which can make him feel ill). It seeks to bring things out into the light, so that they can be dealt with properly and effectively.
Aries natives often have a kind of raw authenticity to them. They tend to be rather impulsive and adventuresome, a doer more than a talker. This sign is mostly sharp and to the point. It has an intensity to it, and its natives tend to be completely invested in whatever they do and feel. On the other hand, they may be too intensive and dramatic at times. A strong Taurus influence can help soothe it. Aries tends to be all-out and strongly marshalled when putting out effort, however it may prefer to use a more brute force as it sometimes lack the patience to deal with small, subtle details. A strong Saturn or Capricorn influence may alleviate this issue. Similarly, there is usually a tendency to leave loose ends, which can be mitigated by the aforementioned influences.
Aries natives tend to be more zestful and humorous, and have a certain childishness to their character, although Saturn may take away from this. There's often an affinity for games, and they keep a certain youthfulness as they grow up which can give them great charm.
Aries tends to be rather simpleminded, but may sometimes look at things a bit too simplistically. It can be quick to jump to conclusions, which may often get the better of him. It tends to be rather generous and big-hearted, and can become very annoyed and stirred-up with what it considers as injustice (which may be rather subjective). It tends to have a soft spot for the underdog, but in a harsh chart it can nevertheless act aggressively with it when irritated.
Although often considered strong, Aries people are actually quite sensitive at their core. This sign has a great difficulty in dealing with the loss of its kin and friends. It may especially take a beating when several of these happen together, which in a weak chart may end up in a nervous breakdown.
Aries tends to dislike whiny people.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
I can't stop thinking about it. About Poe. About competing. About... loving to ride and teach and learn and ride. I just keep coming to the same conclusion. Horses are going to be off-limits until I can afford to do it as much and as often as I want. Where I want, when I want. Otherwise, I will keep coming to this conclusion. I can't compete seriously unless I can ride every day, and I don't ride just for the joy of riding- I ride to win. And I don't love to ride unless I love the horse I'm riding. So... it comes down to my ability to have the horse I love, riding it every day, and competing to win. It's just not my time. So... Yup.
God, I have so much stuff to do and no motivation for anything. argh.
God, I have so much stuff to do and no motivation for anything. argh.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
So... I tried my last option available to keep Poe. I have an interview tomorrow at Canterbury Stables (perfect place) to see if she likes me enough to let me in the barn. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
School is school. It is work and a pain in the ass and... school. But I don't mind it, msot of the time. 1.5 hour classes? I mind those. Especially 3 in a row. Especially when the middle one is WMS 150. Because after that class, I feel like I've just been run over by a truck and... I have ANOTHER class?!??! WTF!!!
Right now, I'm going to say 3 words to Rich and... do some more Anatomy. Sounds like a plan, Stan. Then tomorrow morning, I'm going to get all my little ducks in a row to get my applications into DPT schools. Hopefully. Probably not. But it'll be a start.
School is school. It is work and a pain in the ass and... school. But I don't mind it, msot of the time. 1.5 hour classes? I mind those. Especially 3 in a row. Especially when the middle one is WMS 150. Because after that class, I feel like I've just been run over by a truck and... I have ANOTHER class?!??! WTF!!!
Right now, I'm going to say 3 words to Rich and... do some more Anatomy. Sounds like a plan, Stan. Then tomorrow morning, I'm going to get all my little ducks in a row to get my applications into DPT schools. Hopefully. Probably not. But it'll be a start.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
This weekend, starting around 8:30 Saturday morning, has sucked. And by sucked, I mean... if I was at all suicidally inclined, I'd probably be sucking down a bullet right now. Thank God I'm not. Just waaaaaaaayyyyy too "never say die," (pun absolutely intended) to give up that easily.
So... Poe was bought and paid for on Friday morning- I never really got excited because deep down, I just knew it would never work out. It couldn't. That's just the way of life, honestly. But, there's always that stupid little spark deep deep down inside me that never stops glowing and hoping and praying and pushing me forward. So, although I was trying to be realistic, when the news came down that Frank was not going to let me work off my board and was basically dooming any hope I may have had to keep this horse somewhere worth keeping her at, I just... picked up my stuff, left everything else right where it was, and... booked it home.
Wendy is now dicking me around about the money, even though I have a legal 3 day cooling off period where I can renege on any large item purchase, so Dad and I are going to the courthouse tomorrow to file a claim in the small claims court.
God, this stupid spark is pissing me off. I knew I shouldn't have answered the damned phone, I knew it! *shakes head* I don't even know why I let this shit happen to me. I should know better by now! And... I just keep hoping and pushing and praying and glowing.
Please, Life, don't ever make it go out. Flickering is okay, but out-out will be the day I change my diet to include a higher source of iron.
So... Poe was bought and paid for on Friday morning- I never really got excited because deep down, I just knew it would never work out. It couldn't. That's just the way of life, honestly. But, there's always that stupid little spark deep deep down inside me that never stops glowing and hoping and praying and pushing me forward. So, although I was trying to be realistic, when the news came down that Frank was not going to let me work off my board and was basically dooming any hope I may have had to keep this horse somewhere worth keeping her at, I just... picked up my stuff, left everything else right where it was, and... booked it home.
Wendy is now dicking me around about the money, even though I have a legal 3 day cooling off period where I can renege on any large item purchase, so Dad and I are going to the courthouse tomorrow to file a claim in the small claims court.
God, this stupid spark is pissing me off. I knew I shouldn't have answered the damned phone, I knew it! *shakes head* I don't even know why I let this shit happen to me. I should know better by now! And... I just keep hoping and pushing and praying and glowing.
Please, Life, don't ever make it go out. Flickering is okay, but out-out will be the day I change my diet to include a higher source of iron.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
OMG. What a day!! I feel like I'm slightly psychic now. There were just too many coincidences to be considered coincidence. Poe will be mine. Friday. 7 pm. She will be back at Tower Hill by Sunday. Yes, back at Tower Hill. Funny story, actually.
So, all day long, I had the worst feeling in my gut that just kept getting worse and worse and worse- my mare was going to disappear without a trace if I didnt move. Fast. So I skipped my last class and hit up Linda's office to use her computer to check out Wendy's story. On the off chance, I checked out her sale horses and at the second one down, went, "Huh. That looks just like Poe. Actually... REALLY like Poe." Then logged off, told Linda were were probably going to be out late doing detective work- was she up for it?- and headed off to get a black light. Errand complete, we ran home to grab a lamp then started off for the barn. Halfway there, I was telling her how the crazies things always happen to me around horses and it was quite possible we would end up trailer-chasing tonight. Lo and behold, we get there and... Poe's gone. GONE. So I called everyone I knew, "Where is Poe." in a voice that I'm pretty sure promised chaos and death if one were to mess with me. "Wendy took her in a trailer about an hour ago."
So, I talked to Frank who denied any knowledge of the situation. Fuming, ready to frieking KILL anyone who got in my way or dared to look twice at me, driving 70 miles an hour down Rte. 1 and through country roads, I made to to Hunter Ridge in 15 minutes from Tower Hill. We went scouting through her barn then looked in a trailer before she called out- "Can i help you?"
Politely as I could, it went like this:
"Are you Wendy?"
"Yes."
"Then you can help me."
Poe's name is Flag the Account, aka Dorie. She's a home-bred Thoroughbred bred for racing who failed miserably at it. I offered 800 for the mare and it was accepted an hour later. I sign the papers on Friday and she'll be back by Sunday.
I have my horse. I have MY horse. And I can't wait to welcome her home.
So, all day long, I had the worst feeling in my gut that just kept getting worse and worse and worse- my mare was going to disappear without a trace if I didnt move. Fast. So I skipped my last class and hit up Linda's office to use her computer to check out Wendy's story. On the off chance, I checked out her sale horses and at the second one down, went, "Huh. That looks just like Poe. Actually... REALLY like Poe." Then logged off, told Linda were were probably going to be out late doing detective work- was she up for it?- and headed off to get a black light. Errand complete, we ran home to grab a lamp then started off for the barn. Halfway there, I was telling her how the crazies things always happen to me around horses and it was quite possible we would end up trailer-chasing tonight. Lo and behold, we get there and... Poe's gone. GONE. So I called everyone I knew, "Where is Poe." in a voice that I'm pretty sure promised chaos and death if one were to mess with me. "Wendy took her in a trailer about an hour ago."
So, I talked to Frank who denied any knowledge of the situation. Fuming, ready to frieking KILL anyone who got in my way or dared to look twice at me, driving 70 miles an hour down Rte. 1 and through country roads, I made to to Hunter Ridge in 15 minutes from Tower Hill. We went scouting through her barn then looked in a trailer before she called out- "Can i help you?"
Politely as I could, it went like this:
"Are you Wendy?"
"Yes."
"Then you can help me."
Poe's name is Flag the Account, aka Dorie. She's a home-bred Thoroughbred bred for racing who failed miserably at it. I offered 800 for the mare and it was accepted an hour later. I sign the papers on Friday and she'll be back by Sunday.
I have my horse. I have MY horse. And I can't wait to welcome her home.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I'm really tired right now. I'm going to bed in a few. and yes, I know it's early. But I have to be at work for 8 tomorrow morning, so back the f off. LoL
Saw him this weekend and... there's nothing there. Like... nothing. Friends? Yeah. Probably. Close friends? No. There was no flirtation, no contact, no nothing... And honestly, I'm sick of being the only one to initiate. So fuck it. I'm done.
I'm really tired. My Guy pretty much just... broke me this weekend. The look in his eyes just before he went into seizures was... heartbreaking. He was so scared... His eyes were rolling and his tongue wouldn't work and his legs were starting to seize, and then... he wasn't there anymore. But I'm glad I stayed and talked to him, told him he would be okay... I think everyone should know they're going to be okay, that even if they're not okay right now, they will be.
I couldn't stop crying... I did, but I didn't want to. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. He went to his old stall, laid down, and died... Doesn't this tell you something? Doesn't this tell you that horses have brains and emotions connected to memories? HWy else would he go to the same stall he lived in 10 years earlier?? Why not any other damn stall??
Saw him this weekend and... there's nothing there. Like... nothing. Friends? Yeah. Probably. Close friends? No. There was no flirtation, no contact, no nothing... And honestly, I'm sick of being the only one to initiate. So fuck it. I'm done.
I'm really tired. My Guy pretty much just... broke me this weekend. The look in his eyes just before he went into seizures was... heartbreaking. He was so scared... His eyes were rolling and his tongue wouldn't work and his legs were starting to seize, and then... he wasn't there anymore. But I'm glad I stayed and talked to him, told him he would be okay... I think everyone should know they're going to be okay, that even if they're not okay right now, they will be.
I couldn't stop crying... I did, but I didn't want to. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. He went to his old stall, laid down, and died... Doesn't this tell you something? Doesn't this tell you that horses have brains and emotions connected to memories? HWy else would he go to the same stall he lived in 10 years earlier?? Why not any other damn stall??
Thursday, October 09, 2008
You would laugh at me... just die laughing. Then you would sober up because I am one of your loves and realize just how much you don't feel like laughing anymore. I know this, because I laugh at myself when I can think externally, then come to the same conclusion.
I'm sitting in the Mystic right now, something I haven't done since I read your final message, hoping against hope that maybe you come around every once in a while to see if there's anyone left.
There isn't, but the feeling of loss is so heavy tonight I can't stand it. It's a physical ache deep in my heart. I have an essay I'm proud to show you. A story I feel so strongly about, I wish you had been around to proof it for me. (After all, you are the best writer I know and therefore the only person to whom I would trust this story's form.) Honestly, I just miss it all. Music, kitties, words... God, I miss words, conversation about things that don't matter but should, conversation at all. I'm so sick of idle pratter and can't seem to find another person to fill the void you left. *Smiles*
But it's not all about me!! I know!! haha And if things are wonderful, so wonderful and powerful and fulfilling that you don't ever look back and have an ache of longing, then I am so so SOOOOO happy for you. The only thing that can stop this feeling is my pony, but I know you don't have one. Then again, maybe you don't need a pony- words are all you need? Words are powerful, tools of emotion and action. You would be pleased to know I have rediscovered my words. I can use them again. And the more I do, the better they become. THey evolve.
Thank you. Again.
I'm sitting in the Mystic right now, something I haven't done since I read your final message, hoping against hope that maybe you come around every once in a while to see if there's anyone left.
There isn't, but the feeling of loss is so heavy tonight I can't stand it. It's a physical ache deep in my heart. I have an essay I'm proud to show you. A story I feel so strongly about, I wish you had been around to proof it for me. (After all, you are the best writer I know and therefore the only person to whom I would trust this story's form.) Honestly, I just miss it all. Music, kitties, words... God, I miss words, conversation about things that don't matter but should, conversation at all. I'm so sick of idle pratter and can't seem to find another person to fill the void you left. *Smiles*
But it's not all about me!! I know!! haha And if things are wonderful, so wonderful and powerful and fulfilling that you don't ever look back and have an ache of longing, then I am so so SOOOOO happy for you. The only thing that can stop this feeling is my pony, but I know you don't have one. Then again, maybe you don't need a pony- words are all you need? Words are powerful, tools of emotion and action. You would be pleased to know I have rediscovered my words. I can use them again. And the more I do, the better they become. THey evolve.
Thank you. Again.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Poe is... my girl. Josh went to the barn with me today. He is one of two friends who has ever been to the barn. And by ever, I mean... EVER. Crystal was the only other one. She was just... amazing. There were no shenanigans and no temper tantrums, even though Jenn told me she was trying to kick down her stall door yesterday in frustration at being in. haha
By the time we were done lunging then riding, she was soaked. Literally, dripping. And she would have done more if I'd asked. So we spent the next 1.5 hours walking her out and playing games in the indoor. Me, Josh, and Jenn. Jenn would challenge me to do something, so I'd do it, and Poe was so cute. She followed me around without any reason, even trotting with me when I asked her to. We played chase-the-tail and catch-the-ear and... she was fine. I even hopped up without a saddle or bridle and rode bareback for a while. She was an angel!
Josh was excited when I let her hand gallop. I didn't dare tell him that she could go faster, because the arena is way too small to show off that speed. LoL But, she was amazing. He was so amazed when she'd just follow me around for no reason, but just because I was there and she could. He also was astounded when she would watch for me and follow me on the cross-ties, always checking where I was with an eye or ear. She didn't mind him but really couldn't have cared less if he was there or not. All focus was on me and what I wanted to do. What a power-trip. It's nice to be lead mare. LoL Spot would be proud.
By the time we were done lunging then riding, she was soaked. Literally, dripping. And she would have done more if I'd asked. So we spent the next 1.5 hours walking her out and playing games in the indoor. Me, Josh, and Jenn. Jenn would challenge me to do something, so I'd do it, and Poe was so cute. She followed me around without any reason, even trotting with me when I asked her to. We played chase-the-tail and catch-the-ear and... she was fine. I even hopped up without a saddle or bridle and rode bareback for a while. She was an angel!
Josh was excited when I let her hand gallop. I didn't dare tell him that she could go faster, because the arena is way too small to show off that speed. LoL But, she was amazing. He was so amazed when she'd just follow me around for no reason, but just because I was there and she could. He also was astounded when she would watch for me and follow me on the cross-ties, always checking where I was with an eye or ear. She didn't mind him but really couldn't have cared less if he was there or not. All focus was on me and what I wanted to do. What a power-trip. It's nice to be lead mare. LoL Spot would be proud.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thank God for Carolyn. I just pray that I am as good a friend as she is.
Between Josh and Rich, and the family shit I found out, and the issues that have been raised in my head because of all that, nevermind school! I'm feeling so overwhelmed and... small.
I've known so much about my parents and my childhood, so... not much of it was a shock there, but the overall picture and the history and that so many people cared enough to try to stop them, those are new facts.
That it wasn't Curly so much as Memere. That we were both raised by our grandparents and the ones who weren't ended up the EXACT SAME WAY. That my upbringing was so affected by the College Rule. But not just for college, for EVERYTHING. That I was never GIVEN anything without feeling like I owed something for it.
God... my head hurts and I just really want to cry in frustration for so many years of wondering why there were so many double-standards.
And how the child always tries hardest for the parent they perceive loves the least. Hi Mom, how are you?
I really like Rich. Period. Even if he is the stupid choice.
Between Josh and Rich, and the family shit I found out, and the issues that have been raised in my head because of all that, nevermind school! I'm feeling so overwhelmed and... small.
I've known so much about my parents and my childhood, so... not much of it was a shock there, but the overall picture and the history and that so many people cared enough to try to stop them, those are new facts.
That it wasn't Curly so much as Memere. That we were both raised by our grandparents and the ones who weren't ended up the EXACT SAME WAY. That my upbringing was so affected by the College Rule. But not just for college, for EVERYTHING. That I was never GIVEN anything without feeling like I owed something for it.
God... my head hurts and I just really want to cry in frustration for so many years of wondering why there were so many double-standards.
And how the child always tries hardest for the parent they perceive loves the least. Hi Mom, how are you?
I really like Rich. Period. Even if he is the stupid choice.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
OMG!!!! I'm a sorrel!! I just found a black eyelash and a whitey-blonde one together!!! WEIRD!!! Okay. Now I'm done.
I've got to talk to Rich, see if he's really as cool as I think he is, and if I'm as much of an OCD crazy person as I think I am. LoL I hate video games. Anyone who knows me even somewhat well, knows this. Every once in a LOOOOOONG while, I'll pick up a paddle and play Cruisin' World or some other ridiculously simple racing game.
I think he's pretty cool. Just oblivious sometimes, and I'm pretty OCD with psycho moments.
Poe works better than a mood ring. Lori told me that if I know I'm having a bad day, not to even bother riding because one or both of us are going to get hurt. Like last night. When I almost got tossed on my head because she was reacting to my anger and frustration and reared up and I almost flew off sideways.
She got her shots today, all 120 bucks of them. Ouch! And she's not even done yet. Oy vey. But... In a few weeks, she will have all her shots and be good until spring.
Alright... Anatomy and paper time. Yaaaaayyyyy.
I've got to talk to Rich, see if he's really as cool as I think he is, and if I'm as much of an OCD crazy person as I think I am. LoL I hate video games. Anyone who knows me even somewhat well, knows this. Every once in a LOOOOOONG while, I'll pick up a paddle and play Cruisin' World or some other ridiculously simple racing game.
I think he's pretty cool. Just oblivious sometimes, and I'm pretty OCD with psycho moments.
Poe works better than a mood ring. Lori told me that if I know I'm having a bad day, not to even bother riding because one or both of us are going to get hurt. Like last night. When I almost got tossed on my head because she was reacting to my anger and frustration and reared up and I almost flew off sideways.
She got her shots today, all 120 bucks of them. Ouch! And she's not even done yet. Oy vey. But... In a few weeks, she will have all her shots and be good until spring.
Alright... Anatomy and paper time. Yaaaaayyyyy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
We worked on transitions today; stand-walk, walk-trot, and... she is so frieking smart. I felt particularly grounded while I was with her. She grounds me, I always feel better when I leave than on my way there.
Our transitions are... getting there. By the end of 30 minutes, her head was not jumping up and she wasn't leaping off my leg. She was very calmly and easily transitioning up, quietly transitioning down. I think it could be because I was so grounded, so... quiet in my mind that she could feel it and reciprocate.
Maybe I'll meditate before I ride tomorrow.
We also cantered, quietly and mostly calmly, in and around jumps, doing circles, random patterns, in an effort to 1) stay away from Lori's lesson and 2) keep occupied while cantering one-half of the arena. Yup, she was a good girl.
Our transitions are... getting there. By the end of 30 minutes, her head was not jumping up and she wasn't leaping off my leg. She was very calmly and easily transitioning up, quietly transitioning down. I think it could be because I was so grounded, so... quiet in my mind that she could feel it and reciprocate.
Maybe I'll meditate before I ride tomorrow.
We also cantered, quietly and mostly calmly, in and around jumps, doing circles, random patterns, in an effort to 1) stay away from Lori's lesson and 2) keep occupied while cantering one-half of the arena. Yup, she was a good girl.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I'm the person he trusts. I'm the person he goes to. Strangely, Im very cool with this.
Had a really good day yesterday! The weekend in Bville started off shakily, with me debating leaving after 15 minutes there and telling Rich not to bother coming down. But I let it go and slept on it, made my position very clear with one well-timed comeback. "You know, the way she keeps punching you, I don't think she can keep her hands off!" meant as a joking jab, but completely defused and turned back when I came out with, "Well, was that ever a secret?" AKA. Back the fuck off. You are not allowed in again.
I forgot how much I liked Rich. Going to the Arts and Crafts Fest was shaky- he was not enjoying himself and therefore I was trying to compromise with how much i wanted to be there with trying to keep him happy. But... he started to get into it and it turned out okay- we ate tomatoes and squash blossoms with aphids on it. He talked with an older guy about canning veggies. haha Apple picking was fun- I thoroughly enjoyed my day, actually. He makes me smile deep down; he's so gentle about things- helping my grandmother put on her sweater before she even asks for it, picking up the table, rubbing my shoulders, just... being real. He makes me want to be a better person- learn to do things before they're asked, be a little more gentle about things. But at the same time, I took some good hits from him yesterday when I was asking for it.
I guess him and my mom had a talk about what happens when we break up. I shouldn't say when, I know, it's like dooming it from the start. But... I can't even comprehend a relationship that doesn't end. Weird, huh? When none of the adults in my life are divorced. And it's strange. I'm almost afraid to say "if" because... it sounds right. Sounds correct. Like it might last. And I cant even begin to comprehend it. Can't even begin to dare to think about it.
Anyway, she basically told him that he would always be welcome, whether we were together or not, barring extreme circumstances or divine intervention. And apparently he seemed really relieved because.. they're his family, too. And he'd miss them.
"I'll promise to not nip if you promise to keep giving bear hugs. Deal?" "You can nip, just don't leave marks- the Army frowns on that." "Alriiiight... I promise to no-mark nip if you promise to give bear hugs. Deal?" "Deal."
I feel very grounded right now.
Josh basically told me I could have him. He inferred that he would be mine. And... I said no. Not directly, but... just blew right over it and gave no heed. Who is this person in my head?
I know it's me. I know it's me saying no and feeling grounded and going to apple orchards and trying to be a gentler soul when all my life I have tried to be tougher, wittier, colder, so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Now I have three loves. Two of which evidently have new pieces of my heart, in whatever capacity they ask, the third asking and receiving a new corner of his old space. This is going to hurt so bad. What if I can't do it? What if they do get me to give up my shell and then... Its going to hurt.
Poe. She trusts me and tries so hard for me; she believes in me and makes me believe in myself. She gives me strength by showing me how strong I am; she shows me how good I can be and how much I will do to take care of one I love. And love I do. I feel like a person again, since I started riding; I feel like a good person since I took the time to see her. There are doubts here, but... I won't let the bad things happen. I'm the only one who can stop them, so I will continue to.
Rich. So gentle and yet so tough. So strong, I can only look up and wonder if I measure up. If I ever will. Deep down, I know, KNOW that I am that strong. That I will get through and prosper and make this life my own. Smart, witty, caring, not afraid to push and be pushed. Reasonable and easy-going but with enough intensity to be formidable. So tough to cover up a vulnerability that seems just as deep and strong. Strangely, there are no doubts here right now. Grounded.
Josh. Growing up, big time. He's getting to be the man I knew he could and would be. And I can't even say how thrilled I am for him- he's finally figured out that he's deep-down amazing. Or... figured out that his hunch was right all along. And now, now he knows that I knew it the whole time. He's also found out that I have my own hunch. Too bad it's SSDD.
Had a really good day yesterday! The weekend in Bville started off shakily, with me debating leaving after 15 minutes there and telling Rich not to bother coming down. But I let it go and slept on it, made my position very clear with one well-timed comeback. "You know, the way she keeps punching you, I don't think she can keep her hands off!" meant as a joking jab, but completely defused and turned back when I came out with, "Well, was that ever a secret?" AKA. Back the fuck off. You are not allowed in again.
I forgot how much I liked Rich. Going to the Arts and Crafts Fest was shaky- he was not enjoying himself and therefore I was trying to compromise with how much i wanted to be there with trying to keep him happy. But... he started to get into it and it turned out okay- we ate tomatoes and squash blossoms with aphids on it. He talked with an older guy about canning veggies. haha Apple picking was fun- I thoroughly enjoyed my day, actually. He makes me smile deep down; he's so gentle about things- helping my grandmother put on her sweater before she even asks for it, picking up the table, rubbing my shoulders, just... being real. He makes me want to be a better person- learn to do things before they're asked, be a little more gentle about things. But at the same time, I took some good hits from him yesterday when I was asking for it.
I guess him and my mom had a talk about what happens when we break up. I shouldn't say when, I know, it's like dooming it from the start. But... I can't even comprehend a relationship that doesn't end. Weird, huh? When none of the adults in my life are divorced. And it's strange. I'm almost afraid to say "if" because... it sounds right. Sounds correct. Like it might last. And I cant even begin to comprehend it. Can't even begin to dare to think about it.
Anyway, she basically told him that he would always be welcome, whether we were together or not, barring extreme circumstances or divine intervention. And apparently he seemed really relieved because.. they're his family, too. And he'd miss them.
"I'll promise to not nip if you promise to keep giving bear hugs. Deal?" "You can nip, just don't leave marks- the Army frowns on that." "Alriiiight... I promise to no-mark nip if you promise to give bear hugs. Deal?" "Deal."
I feel very grounded right now.
Josh basically told me I could have him. He inferred that he would be mine. And... I said no. Not directly, but... just blew right over it and gave no heed. Who is this person in my head?
I know it's me. I know it's me saying no and feeling grounded and going to apple orchards and trying to be a gentler soul when all my life I have tried to be tougher, wittier, colder, so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Now I have three loves. Two of which evidently have new pieces of my heart, in whatever capacity they ask, the third asking and receiving a new corner of his old space. This is going to hurt so bad. What if I can't do it? What if they do get me to give up my shell and then... Its going to hurt.
Poe. She trusts me and tries so hard for me; she believes in me and makes me believe in myself. She gives me strength by showing me how strong I am; she shows me how good I can be and how much I will do to take care of one I love. And love I do. I feel like a person again, since I started riding; I feel like a good person since I took the time to see her. There are doubts here, but... I won't let the bad things happen. I'm the only one who can stop them, so I will continue to.
Rich. So gentle and yet so tough. So strong, I can only look up and wonder if I measure up. If I ever will. Deep down, I know, KNOW that I am that strong. That I will get through and prosper and make this life my own. Smart, witty, caring, not afraid to push and be pushed. Reasonable and easy-going but with enough intensity to be formidable. So tough to cover up a vulnerability that seems just as deep and strong. Strangely, there are no doubts here right now. Grounded.
Josh. Growing up, big time. He's getting to be the man I knew he could and would be. And I can't even say how thrilled I am for him- he's finally figured out that he's deep-down amazing. Or... figured out that his hunch was right all along. And now, now he knows that I knew it the whole time. He's also found out that I have my own hunch. Too bad it's SSDD.
Friday, September 12, 2008
So, yesterday was kind of interesting. I can't wait to see what today brings.
I found out some stuff:
1) My beautiful, oft-complimented, wonderfully smart and spirited mare was scheduled to be sent to slaughter just after I started riding her because no one could stay on. Lori put me on her to show that she could be ridden by someone, so that Frank wouldn't have her made into dogfood. Close call, huh?
2) That little shit aforementioned pulled a stunt yesterday- 3 days she's stood with her foot in a bucket for an hour or more no problem while I stand next to her and clean tack. I set her up yesterday the same way I always do, told her to stand and went to go to the bathroom at the end of the aisle. I glanced back once or twice and saw her looking back at me. All of a sudden, there's a crash and water splashing sounds. She'd kicked the bucket! Threw it down the aisle. "If you're not going to stand here, then I'm not, either!" LMAO
3) I told Rich that I felt awkward because I as putting forth all the effort and that if he was hanging out just because he's a nice guy, that's great but it's not necessary. He told me that wasn't the case and promptly attempted to ask me if I'd rather he came to Gansett instead of me going to Bville. Of course, I was already headed to Bville, so the answer was no, but.. good try. LoL
I found out some stuff:
1) My beautiful, oft-complimented, wonderfully smart and spirited mare was scheduled to be sent to slaughter just after I started riding her because no one could stay on. Lori put me on her to show that she could be ridden by someone, so that Frank wouldn't have her made into dogfood. Close call, huh?
2) That little shit aforementioned pulled a stunt yesterday- 3 days she's stood with her foot in a bucket for an hour or more no problem while I stand next to her and clean tack. I set her up yesterday the same way I always do, told her to stand and went to go to the bathroom at the end of the aisle. I glanced back once or twice and saw her looking back at me. All of a sudden, there's a crash and water splashing sounds. She'd kicked the bucket! Threw it down the aisle. "If you're not going to stand here, then I'm not, either!" LMAO
3) I told Rich that I felt awkward because I as putting forth all the effort and that if he was hanging out just because he's a nice guy, that's great but it's not necessary. He told me that wasn't the case and promptly attempted to ask me if I'd rather he came to Gansett instead of me going to Bville. Of course, I was already headed to Bville, so the answer was no, but.. good try. LoL
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I don't know why I let her make me feel so AWFUL! I swear, it is almost regular that anything she says in regards to certain topics consistently make me get off the phone and either 1) cry for a good couple of minutes, or 2) feel like an absolute jerk. I mean, you think I don't KNOW I'm an idiot? And you know what the worst part is? I know I'm NOT an idiot, yes I do stupid things sometimes and more often with certain topics, but having your own mother basically come out and tell you, is definitely a building block of self-doubt. God, I hate how I let her make me feel this way.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm definitely feeling a vibe. Whether I'm being delusional or not, one will never know. LoL Guess we'll jsut have to see.
I told Josh the other day that the reason I'm so happy isn't because of Rich, but Poe. And... it's true. I was MISERABLE all those years because there was something absolutely vital missing in my life. And since last September, especially since this summer, I've got this inner sense of peace because... I love horses, my horse, riding, being at the barn, hanging with people who understand me, strong and capable women not afraid to get their hands dirty, having a goal, having the chance to achieve my goals.
And... Poe's Night Mare is now... Poe-etic. haha We'll see how she is, then decide. hahah
I had a GREAT time with Josh and Linda this weekend. There was some of the old tension after we'd both had a few drinks but we rose above it beautifully. So, my reason for nervousness wasn't unfounded, but definitely ended up okay. Funny enough, but it wasn't even that he had a gf that stopped me cold in my tracks, it was that I know where I want this to go and refused to start with black marks. God knows I'll have enough chances to scuff if it happens. Tom was right... It's all about intent.
I told Josh the other day that the reason I'm so happy isn't because of Rich, but Poe. And... it's true. I was MISERABLE all those years because there was something absolutely vital missing in my life. And since last September, especially since this summer, I've got this inner sense of peace because... I love horses, my horse, riding, being at the barn, hanging with people who understand me, strong and capable women not afraid to get their hands dirty, having a goal, having the chance to achieve my goals.
And... Poe's Night Mare is now... Poe-etic. haha We'll see how she is, then decide. hahah
I had a GREAT time with Josh and Linda this weekend. There was some of the old tension after we'd both had a few drinks but we rose above it beautifully. So, my reason for nervousness wasn't unfounded, but definitely ended up okay. Funny enough, but it wasn't even that he had a gf that stopped me cold in my tracks, it was that I know where I want this to go and refused to start with black marks. God knows I'll have enough chances to scuff if it happens. Tom was right... It's all about intent.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Oops. hehe My evil twin came out and man, she is one bitch I do not mess with. hahah And love to DEATH!
Poe is soooo cute. She just follows me around the paddock like a giant overgrown Dane. haha
JOSH and I are hanging out tomorrow night! AWESOME!!! I won't lie, though... I'm frieking nervous as hell. We've always got along like two pigs in a blanket, but 75% of our fun came from a mutual physical attraction. And now... He's got a girlfriend, I've got someone I'm interested in, and... we're hanging out. Definitely nervous. I gotta make sure that bitch stays DOWN tomorrow night. Shit.
School is going to kill me. Already is. I've got like... 8 chapters to read and the hour phone call with Josh didn't hel the scheduling difficulties any. LoL
Poe is soooo cute. She just follows me around the paddock like a giant overgrown Dane. haha
JOSH and I are hanging out tomorrow night! AWESOME!!! I won't lie, though... I'm frieking nervous as hell. We've always got along like two pigs in a blanket, but 75% of our fun came from a mutual physical attraction. And now... He's got a girlfriend, I've got someone I'm interested in, and... we're hanging out. Definitely nervous. I gotta make sure that bitch stays DOWN tomorrow night. Shit.
School is going to kill me. Already is. I've got like... 8 chapters to read and the hour phone call with Josh didn't hel the scheduling difficulties any. LoL
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Sooo... I'm back in Gansett, Yay! I love this place. Even if it is full of nosy tourists right now. I can't wait until classes start tomorrow!! Call me a geek, but yeah... I am one. haha
I'm off to see Poe-pony and chit-chat with Gino about lease agreements. Duh duh duh!!! She will be MINE! hehe
Yeah... I still really want to kiss him, but I'm coming to the conclusion that it's just not going to happen any time soon, if at all. I saw this thing yesterday and man, it was a definite Ugh moment. I hate it when you are forced to come to the conclusion that ex-girlfriends are not the bane of the world and yes, there was a reason why they were together. *Blinks* Also, I'm way out of my league. Let's just put it that way. Play nice with egos the day before school starts. No need to start the year a broken woman. haha
Anyway... Poe-pony!!! YAYAY!!!!
I'm off to see Poe-pony and chit-chat with Gino about lease agreements. Duh duh duh!!! She will be MINE! hehe
Yeah... I still really want to kiss him, but I'm coming to the conclusion that it's just not going to happen any time soon, if at all. I saw this thing yesterday and man, it was a definite Ugh moment. I hate it when you are forced to come to the conclusion that ex-girlfriends are not the bane of the world and yes, there was a reason why they were together. *Blinks* Also, I'm way out of my league. Let's just put it that way. Play nice with egos the day before school starts. No need to start the year a broken woman. haha
Anyway... Poe-pony!!! YAYAY!!!!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I don't know what the change is, honestly. But... the world is back to normal.
I have a job for the school year. 13 hours a week at a scientific research conference organization- miscellaneous task-lady. Cool.
I filled out my student loans for this year, so... whatever. I'm done stressing over them, I'll just pay my life away in student loans. Fuck it.
I do not have a boy toy... as of right this instant. That is statis quo and -that-... is not necessarily a bad thing. So... We'll see. I will try to quit stomping and push for a bit more, then see what happens. But maybe, perhaps, it's for the best? Either way, I refuse to stress about it.
Frank is still in the hospital, so Poe is safe for now, at least. I found a Burberry plaid sheet for her that she will look gorgeous in and... shipping wraps! We have a show outfit. Sweet. Mom helped me smuggle it. haha
I know what house I'm living in, which explains the exorbitant student loans I've taken out. Again, fuck it. At least I'll have my own bathroom and plenty of privacy.
No GREs right this moment, I have bigger fish to fry. AKA, there will be no more GREs, I will deal with my horrifying score as-is.
So... no more stress, or at least significantly less. I think this weekend with Alex was just what I needed: an adventure with good company and no more bad news. Minus the whole Seth thing, about which I hope he realize how lucky he is that Delaware is nowhere near Texas. Or he would have been beaten to a bloody pulp when I got my hand on him. Don't you EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT FOR NOTHING!!!!
I have a job for the school year. 13 hours a week at a scientific research conference organization- miscellaneous task-lady. Cool.
I filled out my student loans for this year, so... whatever. I'm done stressing over them, I'll just pay my life away in student loans. Fuck it.
I do not have a boy toy... as of right this instant. That is statis quo and -that-... is not necessarily a bad thing. So... We'll see. I will try to quit stomping and push for a bit more, then see what happens. But maybe, perhaps, it's for the best? Either way, I refuse to stress about it.
Frank is still in the hospital, so Poe is safe for now, at least. I found a Burberry plaid sheet for her that she will look gorgeous in and... shipping wraps! We have a show outfit. Sweet. Mom helped me smuggle it. haha
I know what house I'm living in, which explains the exorbitant student loans I've taken out. Again, fuck it. At least I'll have my own bathroom and plenty of privacy.
No GREs right this moment, I have bigger fish to fry. AKA, there will be no more GREs, I will deal with my horrifying score as-is.
So... no more stress, or at least significantly less. I think this weekend with Alex was just what I needed: an adventure with good company and no more bad news. Minus the whole Seth thing, about which I hope he realize how lucky he is that Delaware is nowhere near Texas. Or he would have been beaten to a bloody pulp when I got my hand on him. Don't you EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT FOR NOTHING!!!!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Well, I'm a little bit... no, let's reword that... a LOT bit depressed right now.
It's almost that time of the month so... that prolly has a lot to do with it, but I've been here for a couple weeks, so maybe not. I swear, I go to bed nasty and wake up crying. I can't seem to get anything to work out, no matter what I do and... it's affecting my outlook, nevermind my sense of humor. I'm so negative about everything, that when I get a moment of positive thinking, it's like a brainstorm! "OMG!!! That's EXCELLENT!!! Where did that go??"
And yes, I love my horse, Rich. I love her because when I'm riding, there is nothing else BUT her and me and our relationship. There are no bills to be paid, no job searches coming up empty, no parties to plan and no people to please. She is ALWAYS happy to see me and ALWAYS makes me happier, more clear in thought. You shoot, I ride. Together, we'd make one helluva cowboy.
Which comes down to the last thing. Friends are wonderful. They are... gifts from Heaven. And I think the more I have, the better. So... thanks again to everyone who has made me laugh or smile these past few weeks, who has forced me to have a good time against my will. I love to laugh, but sometimes it's just too hard on my own. So I need you guys to help me find my smile. And... you did a great job!
It's almost that time of the month so... that prolly has a lot to do with it, but I've been here for a couple weeks, so maybe not. I swear, I go to bed nasty and wake up crying. I can't seem to get anything to work out, no matter what I do and... it's affecting my outlook, nevermind my sense of humor. I'm so negative about everything, that when I get a moment of positive thinking, it's like a brainstorm! "OMG!!! That's EXCELLENT!!! Where did that go??"
And yes, I love my horse, Rich. I love her because when I'm riding, there is nothing else BUT her and me and our relationship. There are no bills to be paid, no job searches coming up empty, no parties to plan and no people to please. She is ALWAYS happy to see me and ALWAYS makes me happier, more clear in thought. You shoot, I ride. Together, we'd make one helluva cowboy.
Which comes down to the last thing. Friends are wonderful. They are... gifts from Heaven. And I think the more I have, the better. So... thanks again to everyone who has made me laugh or smile these past few weeks, who has forced me to have a good time against my will. I love to laugh, but sometimes it's just too hard on my own. So I need you guys to help me find my smile. And... you did a great job!
Monday, August 18, 2008
I woke up yesterday shaking, really upset over a set of 3 dreams I'd had. They followed the pattern of the last 3-dream series from high school, though it was Russian-Matt who died in one of them this time. They weren't half as... personal as last time, but just as intense and vivid. I woke up with the thought that I had to call Matt and make sure he was okay. I wrote him a letter on Facebook instead, as I don't have his number anymore. LoL
The whole day I was jumpy and stressed, and the straw that broke it was Rich's myspace. I... sorta lost it. I am so stressed about this school year and finances and Poe and how the hell I'm going to study enough and... so many things I can't control, that this dream and Myspace (God, of all things! haha) finally made me crack. Mom's reaction was hilarious- "Want some wine?? Here. Have some wine. Drink this," as she shoves a full glass of wine into my hand, along with one of Dad's anti-anxiety meds. Oh no, we're not Type-A personalities at all in this house. hahah
I just feel awful... Not sick, though if this keeps up I will definitely get there. I just sent Paul's letter telling him I can't work during the school year ebcause of a class conflict, Frank's in the hospital which means Poe's still up for grabs and with Sarah breathing down my neck I feel like I need to be down there every goddamn day to safeguard and fend off offers (Probably helps, I note with sick pleasure and evil amusement, that the last person who came to try her out got a taste of why she's named after a bipolar heroine addict from the 1800's. She reared up and fell over on them. *Smirks* Bad girl, Poe...), I am stuck in this house I really don't think I can afford, without a job offer in sight.
"Walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head, living out the same old moment, knowing you'd be better off instead if only you could say what you need to say.." And this song lately, is one of few that makes me calm down.
Saturday was excellent! I had an amazing lesson with Poe and Rebecca. We worked on collecting Poe at the trot and canter, and... she's so awesome. Head up like one of those magnificent war horse statues, as she trots in place- not only is that super hard, but its a relatively high-level dressage movement- even moreso with the canter, and she pulled that one off with a little more pissiness but fine overall. I heart Rebecca like whoa, still. Then I headed up to Ikea with Alex and we (I) picked out his furniture- he got red cushions!! heheh I think they'll look good on his couch. And the table's really cool! The leaves tuck under the main table part! Wicked cool. Thhheeennn... Looked at a house which is null and void... And then headed to Erin's to hang with her and Cara (Cah-rah), her new roomie for dinner and dressup to go to Newport and dance like maniacs with Jenny, Emily, Adam, Rob, Carla, and Lisa (from HS-black hair) and her boy... God, was I surprised to see her! LoL
Yesterday was the KofC family cookout, where I was so bored I felt like laying in the sun and passing out, but once I got into the relaxation part of it, found it wasn't so bad, actually.
Oooh... There're two hummingbirds out on the sunflower right now...
Alright, enough writing, I feel sufficiently clean (mental-wise) to do some stuff around the house and go out in public with big hair. haha
The whole day I was jumpy and stressed, and the straw that broke it was Rich's myspace. I... sorta lost it. I am so stressed about this school year and finances and Poe and how the hell I'm going to study enough and... so many things I can't control, that this dream and Myspace (God, of all things! haha) finally made me crack. Mom's reaction was hilarious- "Want some wine?? Here. Have some wine. Drink this," as she shoves a full glass of wine into my hand, along with one of Dad's anti-anxiety meds. Oh no, we're not Type-A personalities at all in this house. hahah
I just feel awful... Not sick, though if this keeps up I will definitely get there. I just sent Paul's letter telling him I can't work during the school year ebcause of a class conflict, Frank's in the hospital which means Poe's still up for grabs and with Sarah breathing down my neck I feel like I need to be down there every goddamn day to safeguard and fend off offers (Probably helps, I note with sick pleasure and evil amusement, that the last person who came to try her out got a taste of why she's named after a bipolar heroine addict from the 1800's. She reared up and fell over on them. *Smirks* Bad girl, Poe...), I am stuck in this house I really don't think I can afford, without a job offer in sight.
"Walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head, living out the same old moment, knowing you'd be better off instead if only you could say what you need to say.." And this song lately, is one of few that makes me calm down.
Saturday was excellent! I had an amazing lesson with Poe and Rebecca. We worked on collecting Poe at the trot and canter, and... she's so awesome. Head up like one of those magnificent war horse statues, as she trots in place- not only is that super hard, but its a relatively high-level dressage movement- even moreso with the canter, and she pulled that one off with a little more pissiness but fine overall. I heart Rebecca like whoa, still. Then I headed up to Ikea with Alex and we (I) picked out his furniture- he got red cushions!! heheh I think they'll look good on his couch. And the table's really cool! The leaves tuck under the main table part! Wicked cool. Thhheeennn... Looked at a house which is null and void... And then headed to Erin's to hang with her and Cara (Cah-rah), her new roomie for dinner and dressup to go to Newport and dance like maniacs with Jenny, Emily, Adam, Rob, Carla, and Lisa (from HS-black hair) and her boy... God, was I surprised to see her! LoL
Yesterday was the KofC family cookout, where I was so bored I felt like laying in the sun and passing out, but once I got into the relaxation part of it, found it wasn't so bad, actually.
Oooh... There're two hummingbirds out on the sunflower right now...
Alright, enough writing, I feel sufficiently clean (mental-wise) to do some stuff around the house and go out in public with big hair. haha
Friday, August 15, 2008
I miss him... *le pout* I'm pathetic. I'm not really, but I feel like missing someone after so little, is pathetic. I just... want to share my excitement and absolute joy with him, and look at pictures from Maine..
I'm really happy he's getting some wind-down time, I know he needs it. But... GOD!!! I'm pathetic. And even though he gets back Sunday, I still won't see him til Wednesday. Argh. I just hope I have tons of stuff to do this weekend so I don't think about it so much. LoL
i'm riding tomorrow morning WITH REBECCA!!!! OMG. I almost flipped my goddamn lid when Lorrie told me today. Sooooooo excited!!! Can't wait!!!
Then off to Ikea with Alex for tables...? LoL Then checking out the boathouse to see if I want to live there. THEN out with Em and Jenny, if I'm still awake for alcohol in abundance and cute sundresses!! Ooooh la la!
(Now if only I could figure out how to fit necessary outfits into my car... Details, details.)
I'm really happy he's getting some wind-down time, I know he needs it. But... GOD!!! I'm pathetic. And even though he gets back Sunday, I still won't see him til Wednesday. Argh. I just hope I have tons of stuff to do this weekend so I don't think about it so much. LoL
i'm riding tomorrow morning WITH REBECCA!!!! OMG. I almost flipped my goddamn lid when Lorrie told me today. Sooooooo excited!!! Can't wait!!!
Then off to Ikea with Alex for tables...? LoL Then checking out the boathouse to see if I want to live there. THEN out with Em and Jenny, if I'm still awake for alcohol in abundance and cute sundresses!! Ooooh la la!
(Now if only I could figure out how to fit necessary outfits into my car... Details, details.)
Monday, August 11, 2008
So.. I'm giving space. I'm giving you space. *shrugs* Take as much as you need, then get your ass back here because I can't wait to hang out and laugh with you. Capische? Also, kissing you would make me really happy. But... I'm giving space right now. And even when you get back, I'll be nice and patient. Because... a strange truth has come upon me. And... the more I ponder it, the more strange it becomes and the more I want to ponder it. Strange, twisted little circle. haha
This post is a very lovely post. I have two wonderful beings on my mind, one human and the other not-so-much. You, human, I was, and still am, not sure about. But... I'm putting effort into something I never put effort into. That in itself makes me look more closely... And think a bit more.. And so far, I'm excited.
Anyway... back onto the here and now. I LOVE my horse. I have decided, did decide when I talked to Sue this morning, that my rein breaking and me coming out unscathed, is a sure-fire sign that I am MEANT to keep this horse, preserve her sanity and my own happiness and ambitions by working my ass off. Muck stalls, feed at 6:30 am, paint fences, groom, whatever it takes to make the money to keep this horse.
I realize I have probably said this before, but... this time I have the means to do it. And... the will. I have the whole package. Nothing is missing. I have a trailer. I have a barn with supportive and competitive people. I have an instructor who kicks my ass into perfection. And finally, I have a horse; the perfect horse, a mare so athletic it's scary, so talented it's insane, and so willing to do anything to make me happy and take care of me when shit goes down, it's... perfect.
When that rein snapped Saturday, I didn't panic. I didn't think, only reacted. And my beautiful, wonderful, semi-psychotic, workaholic mare reacted perfectly. She took care of me when she so easily could have taken me apart. She slowed and stopped and touched her nose to my shoulder to make sure I was okay when I got off, then stood and waited patiently until I got back on.
Every time I think of her, she makes me smile. She makes me happy. She reminds me of what I used to be good at and will be once again, that it's okay to want something so bad it hurts as long as you're willing to work for it.
This post is a very lovely post. I have two wonderful beings on my mind, one human and the other not-so-much. You, human, I was, and still am, not sure about. But... I'm putting effort into something I never put effort into. That in itself makes me look more closely... And think a bit more.. And so far, I'm excited.
Anyway... back onto the here and now. I LOVE my horse. I have decided, did decide when I talked to Sue this morning, that my rein breaking and me coming out unscathed, is a sure-fire sign that I am MEANT to keep this horse, preserve her sanity and my own happiness and ambitions by working my ass off. Muck stalls, feed at 6:30 am, paint fences, groom, whatever it takes to make the money to keep this horse.
I realize I have probably said this before, but... this time I have the means to do it. And... the will. I have the whole package. Nothing is missing. I have a trailer. I have a barn with supportive and competitive people. I have an instructor who kicks my ass into perfection. And finally, I have a horse; the perfect horse, a mare so athletic it's scary, so talented it's insane, and so willing to do anything to make me happy and take care of me when shit goes down, it's... perfect.
When that rein snapped Saturday, I didn't panic. I didn't think, only reacted. And my beautiful, wonderful, semi-psychotic, workaholic mare reacted perfectly. She took care of me when she so easily could have taken me apart. She slowed and stopped and touched her nose to my shoulder to make sure I was okay when I got off, then stood and waited patiently until I got back on.
Every time I think of her, she makes me smile. She makes me happy. She reminds me of what I used to be good at and will be once again, that it's okay to want something so bad it hurts as long as you're willing to work for it.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Today was a day of broken, then making other, plans. I woke up thinking I was going to bring Seth to the airport, surprise the guy who hates surprises, then go riding and come home to help Mom do party stuff. I got half done- not bad by my normals standards, but... the two FUN things were the ones that didn't get done! No surprises (which, let me tell you, are just as much fun to plan as to have done to you haha) and no riding! So... I made other plans. I went to coffee and movies (Mamma Mia- I am s buying that film, it is AMAZING!) with Carolyn. Then sat at her house and chit-chatted with her Mom and her about stuff- how I've been failing and will continue to fail, at being employed; how this is affecting my outlook for the school year and how much stress it is going to impart to me in the form of Poe and housing and loans; how Carolyn and I are overwhelmed by the prospect of having to get all our shit done for the respective grad/med school applications; boys; life in general.
On the upside, I got my proposal back from Jenny and she made minor corrections, so it's ready to go! We're doing paperwork next week, then sending this shindig into the committee and... Voila! It's time for the school year to start!
I should make a list of all the deadlines and stuff I need for these applications. I also need to make a list of stuff I need to have done or be doing before school starts. I also need to do my stretches- I ran today! Very short bursts, but running nonetheless! I think the stuff I've been doing that Lori (PT) told me is working! Yay!
Mmm... So yeah. Also... SB.
On the upside, I got my proposal back from Jenny and she made minor corrections, so it's ready to go! We're doing paperwork next week, then sending this shindig into the committee and... Voila! It's time for the school year to start!
I should make a list of all the deadlines and stuff I need for these applications. I also need to make a list of stuff I need to have done or be doing before school starts. I also need to do my stretches- I ran today! Very short bursts, but running nonetheless! I think the stuff I've been doing that Lori (PT) told me is working! Yay!
Mmm... So yeah. Also... SB.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
It has been a while. And... a bit has happened. Quick catch-up. Mike is dating Ala- a fact that really pissed me off, but is now simply amusing. Colorado did not work out due to a fear of heights, but Pat is still in touch and threatening to storm up to Providence to hang out. Love that kid. I have an Honors project- Mounted Exercises for Horseback Riders, and the proposal was sent in this week, super exciting! I have found my horse, her name is Poe. I could go on for days about her. Lorri is trying to set me up with her son- another vastly amusing scenario. My brother has come and gone from Boot Camp, successfully, may I add... and he is so proud of himself, I think he might have... found something he likes to do. It's wonderful.
This semester is going to be ridiculous. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, honestly. haha My saving graces this summer have been Lorrie and Erin, I swear. If it weren't for the barn in general, just the chance to get out of the house, go somewhere, so SOMETHING I'm good at, prove, if only to myself that this too shall pass, I might go nuts. Then... Hang out with Erin, grab some food or ice cream and just chit chat like I don't up here because all my friends are down there or graduated, it's a wonderful release. We always have something to talk about... Her program, my project, her boys, my lack thereof. hahah
Summer is definitely wind-down time for me... Exactly opposite of everyone else, I think. But it works... Speaking of wind-down, it's pool and margarita time. Well... margaritas later. It IS only 10 am after all.
This semester is going to be ridiculous. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, honestly. haha My saving graces this summer have been Lorrie and Erin, I swear. If it weren't for the barn in general, just the chance to get out of the house, go somewhere, so SOMETHING I'm good at, prove, if only to myself that this too shall pass, I might go nuts. Then... Hang out with Erin, grab some food or ice cream and just chit chat like I don't up here because all my friends are down there or graduated, it's a wonderful release. We always have something to talk about... Her program, my project, her boys, my lack thereof. hahah
Summer is definitely wind-down time for me... Exactly opposite of everyone else, I think. But it works... Speaking of wind-down, it's pool and margarita time. Well... margaritas later. It IS only 10 am after all.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Saturday, February 09, 2008
So... today sucks.
Out of three houses looked at, they're all duds. Out of one lesson, there was none. Sarah burst out crying even before she got on, so now I'm getting up an hour earlier to go a 1/2 hour out of my way to pick her up tomorrow before my already earlier than usual lesson. Mari showed up to say goodbye t Dakota, who will be put down tomorrow, and was just... inconsolable. The only good thing about today is Blaze.
Oh yeah, and MM sucks. Seriously, 2 AM is not the time to call me up to ask me why I'm mad at you. I'm not mad, I'm done. If I was mad, you could calm me down and make me back into your bud. I'm not mad, I'm done. I can't be your bud anymore, because it was a lie the whole time and... Nope. Can't do it anymore. So... Yeah. Today sucks.
Out of three houses looked at, they're all duds. Out of one lesson, there was none. Sarah burst out crying even before she got on, so now I'm getting up an hour earlier to go a 1/2 hour out of my way to pick her up tomorrow before my already earlier than usual lesson. Mari showed up to say goodbye t Dakota, who will be put down tomorrow, and was just... inconsolable. The only good thing about today is Blaze.
Oh yeah, and MM sucks. Seriously, 2 AM is not the time to call me up to ask me why I'm mad at you. I'm not mad, I'm done. If I was mad, you could calm me down and make me back into your bud. I'm not mad, I'm done. I can't be your bud anymore, because it was a lie the whole time and... Nope. Can't do it anymore. So... Yeah. Today sucks.
Friday, January 18, 2008
I got the job! Soooo excited. I have no idea what I'm going to do after that, but I have a job for the summer. And a cool one, at that! 4 months in Colorado giving trail rides and dealing with vacationers... Seriously, I think it's going to be a blast. Tough, but fun.
I have cowboy boots. Mandatory, part of the job- plus a hat. Sooo... Me and mom went looking and we came upon a store having a sale on EVERYTHING! We found a pair of really awesome boots and a cute hat! I'm going to be such an awesome wrangler!!
I brought my mom to the farm I work at and it was embarrassing when she and Donna got talking. You'd think they'd never met someone with a sense of humor! Moms... Oy. LoL But seriously, I do love working there. The kids are cute, the horses are sweet, and I need to learn to explain things better. hahah
I have cowboy boots. Mandatory, part of the job- plus a hat. Sooo... Me and mom went looking and we came upon a store having a sale on EVERYTHING! We found a pair of really awesome boots and a cute hat! I'm going to be such an awesome wrangler!!
I brought my mom to the farm I work at and it was embarrassing when she and Donna got talking. You'd think they'd never met someone with a sense of humor! Moms... Oy. LoL But seriously, I do love working there. The kids are cute, the horses are sweet, and I need to learn to explain things better. hahah
Monday, January 07, 2008
May I just say how excited I am at the moment? First off, in one week, I made enough money to cover utilities for a month. Granted, this probably doesn't seem like much to those with full-time jobs, but it is a BIG DEAL in this girl's world! WOOT!
Secondly, Dave texted me about flaking out when I, with Erin and Ryan and Andy, invited him to come and hang out with us at the Trinity Brewhouse. That's pretty darned good considering that I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm retarded.
Thirdly, all my lessons went EXCELLENT yesterday. I need to start making up a plan before every Sunday- things go so much smoother. By the way, "Do-it-yourself Sundays" are a huge hit. Make them pick out their own feet and fix their own stirrups- it's what they're paying for, really.
Fourth, I totally got called back for an interview at North Fork Ranch, one of the ones I really liked- howwwww exciting!!!! So I need to call the guy back today and charm the hell out of him so I can go play with cows and ponies this summer! Woot!
So far, it's 10:38 AM and this is a fantastic day!
Secondly, Dave texted me about flaking out when I, with Erin and Ryan and Andy, invited him to come and hang out with us at the Trinity Brewhouse. That's pretty darned good considering that I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm retarded.
Thirdly, all my lessons went EXCELLENT yesterday. I need to start making up a plan before every Sunday- things go so much smoother. By the way, "Do-it-yourself Sundays" are a huge hit. Make them pick out their own feet and fix their own stirrups- it's what they're paying for, really.
Fourth, I totally got called back for an interview at North Fork Ranch, one of the ones I really liked- howwwww exciting!!!! So I need to call the guy back today and charm the hell out of him so I can go play with cows and ponies this summer! Woot!
So far, it's 10:38 AM and this is a fantastic day!
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Goodbyes are so hard sometimes. All the time. But sometimes, they are just necessary. Stuck between what was and what is, is the brown leaf on the tree in winter. Dead, but still holding on- for what purpose? Perhaps only stuck to what it knew, but now getting ice and snow and doomed to the hell of winter- all by itself and unprotected.
So perhaps, goodbyes are good. Hard, harder than hello, but good.
So perhaps, goodbyes are good. Hard, harder than hello, but good.