I'm excited. Super excited. So excited, I'm having trouble not grinning constantly every time I think about it. But then, we all know what this is about, right? I mean, the symptoms are classic- super happy, super grinning, just... super! haha You're WRONG!!!! It's NOT A BOY!

I'm sooooo excited about my new job. Granted, I will come within 20 seconds of frostbite every Sunday and starve and be grumpy and curse in the future, but I cannot wait to teach riding lessons. Who'd have thought I'd get a job I not only can do well, but like to do??

Like Julia Roberts said, "It's easy to clean up when you got money." Well, for the amount of money I have in the kind of sport riding is, I've gotten pretty far. And... I'm pretty goddamn excited to be able to teach kids.

This class has got me in a tizz. I'm so worked up, I'm ready to pick fights with restaurant.com! I know, absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? Thye deserved it! JERKS! RAAAHHHHH!!!!

And RAHHHHHHHRRRRRR To Major, too! Fucking psycho lunatic, Goddamm asshole who gives up these stupid problems and thes ffucking labs that don't work because our equipment sucks and our grades depend on it, and strssed!?!? NO! I'm not stressed at all! And my fucking roommates watch me watch TV and ask me, in their oh so caring kind of way, "What, no homework?" And I grit my teeth and smile politely, "Oh yeah... You know, just procrastinating!" because I am... But what I really want to do is whip around, bare my teeth and scream, "YES!!! YES!!! I have TONS!!! of homeowkr, but I can't do ANY of it because I'm obviously FUCKING RETARDED!!! Thank you MAJOR for pointing out the fact that so many people were right and I"mGODDAMN STUPID!" Then the sky clears and I realize that it's just my roommate, sweet and barbie-esque who has her own tons of homework and I'm singing to the choir! And I actually smile and glance sideways, almost flirtatiously, but actually just to avoid her eye so she doesn't see if that inner demon slips out, "Oh, c'mon! You know me!! Always wait to the last minute!" Not true, but... hey, whatever. Think what you will.

I'm breathing again... This is why I have a Blogger, so I don't take these insane rages and take them out on -someone-... just -something-... But stressed? No... Not stressed. Frustrated, angry, quickly burning out, and... ready to scream and/or cry. Whichever happens to seem more appropriate at the moment.

I love the end of the semester.

New music must-haves:

Brokeback Mountain Soundtrack
Awesome Reggae mix de Elvis
M. Ward


Going to watch lessns tomorrow. Mmm... Besides the cold, I'm excited.

My must-have movie list:
Good Will Hunting
Bakara
Freedom Writers
V for Vendetta
Memoirs of a Geisha
The Illusionist
The Family Stone
Bourne Series


God knows what we would do without good movies. haha

Memorable lines:

Mike: Is that your sweater in there?
Me: Yeah...
Mike: Oh. Okay. But.. Isn't it a little small for you?
I just stare with a, "Okay, there better be more to this or you're dead," face.
Mike: I mean... In this *gestures to general chest area* way?
Me: Um, it's a sweater, it stretches, so... No.
Mike: Oh... I guess I overestimate the size of your boobs.

Me to Prof: Major, you are a MESS!
Major, after looking at the two girls beside me, whose eyes are bugging: How hard do you think you'll hit the ground from the 3rd floor?
Me: Are you threatening to throw me out the window?
Major: Maybe.

Marquisa: The snakes don't mess with the chimps because they BITE! And no one likes to deal with BITEY things!!

You know, I really don't have an issue with Chem Girl. I talked to her today briefly while waiting for Jay to tell me he'd never received my homework, and found out that she's actually kinda nice. Maybe even slightly personable. Maybe. But don't tell anyone I admitted it.

My shoulders hurt so bad from trying to stand and sit up straight, I can't even verbalize it... It's a deep, ouching ache that doesn't go away even if I slump. It... just... hurts. Ow.

I'm fighting for you and though I know why, I wonder why it's so important. I wonder if it's really about you or me or... just that I am having issues with judgement. I'm arguing with one of my really good friends about you, of all people, defending you. And I'm not exaggerating or omitting. I'm representing things as I clearly see them. And it's essentially about how everyone has things you don't like about them, whether it's activities in which they partake, behaviors they practice, or ideas they hold dear.

It's about how no one's perfect, but I think I'm beginning to understand that friendships is about accepting those things in others. Not backing down on your own quirks or ideas, but accepting them in the other.

And I'm defending you because she just doesn't... know you well enough to dislike you. It's blind dislike, like that I have for Chem girl, who is probably someone I wouldn't have a problem with if we'd met under different circumstances. And it bothers me, because though I don't know you completely, no one does or ever will, I feel I know you well enough to say that you aren't bad enough to warrant instant dislike.

Hmm.. Well, with a good amount of sleep in me, the world sure seems a brighter place. I think I may have found the key to my living a life in which I can go a whole day and NOT faceplant into my plate at dinner. It's called... Go to bed earlier... Gee, what a concept, right?

I have been blowing off almost everybody and everything so that when 10 rolls around, I am ready and willing to go to bed. Not necessarily have to, but not getting roped into other things by being out.

Also, I love you Carolyn, but you're wrong. Which is perfectly fine, considering as how we're both human and bound to be wrong sometime. This time, it's you. Mike is a good guy- does stupid things, but is good at heart. And if you bothered to give him a chance, you'd find that out, just like everyone else. 'Nuff said. *Smiles* But I still love ya.

OMG!!! PFIZER FANTASIA TOMORROW NIGHT!!!! *scream, gasp, die* I hope it lives up to expectations. Right after seminar, I am booking it outta here for Springfield, MA to go hook up with Auntie Lou and Steph, for Big E extravaganza-ness and... duh Duh DUH!!! PFIZER FANTASIA!!!! HOOOOOTTTTTTTT! I'm really excited, can you tell? haha

So, game plan for today, soon as I finish eating and writing- Bagelz for more studying- I feel as though I might grow roots and settle down in their loft. Class, more studying, class, exam, lunch, lab, gym, thennn...? HW and sleep are most likely, I think.

Almost done, gotta go, bye bye!

I am going to scream. I hate it when you finally take that breath of relief only to find yourself holding it at the very end to keep from snapping someone's head off with extremely terse words. Yeah... Well, Let me tell you, my issue comes in with one name: ALEX. I'm going to fucking scream. Loud. Clear. Angry words. Anyone with me?! YEAH!

All I ask of you now is that you take a fucking step
Back to relax, understand and then accept
That you were more important to me then my own life
I loved you much more then the stars love the sky
I know that when you think of me you wished I'd fuckin' die
I know you lay alone in bed and ask God why
All I can tell you is this that my life isn't the same
I wake up every morning with suicide on my brain
Angry at the fact that faith made things change
I lost my thought with the devil named Cocaine.

Oh yeah, and my house is infested.
I have no plans for the future.
My bed is covered in stuff, with the main component being a eggcrate I don't think I should keep.
But if i don't keep it, it's war.
War is bad.
I run from confrontation, and I don't like to give up on things.
War is both. Bad Bad bad bad bad bad badbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbad
THAT bad.

Seriously, just... end my miserable existence, will ya?

Grey's Anatomy summed up my life tongiht. Or at least the part of it which is bothering the HELL out of me right now.

Let's list the things on my mind, and perhaps we'll even catch a few that I didn't know about until I think about it and start raving about it and realize that... Oh wait... Yeah... That IS really bothering me. Huh.
1. Addiction to certain people who could care less.
2. Inability to deattach from certain people.
3. Hellish wedding scheduled for this weekend.
4. Disruption of life events for hellish wedding.
5. Exam tomorrow morning and I'm so tired I can barely keep from "faceplanting" in my food at dinner.
6. I failed my chem exam.
7. I didn't rewrite my SOC paper because of... 2nd half of 5.
8. I'm so tired everything is blown straight out of proportion and it bothers me.
9. I'm an idiot and that's all there is to it.
10. I fail at surfing.
11. I want to go to the barn.
13. I have NO money and I'm living paycheck to paycheck.
14. I'm missing Oktoberfest. For the 2nd year running.
15. My friends think they know what's best for me, but they have no clue.
16. They might be right.
17. Everything on my body hurts- I was run over by a train today, but at least I didn't get knocked out by my surfboard.
18. I need to go to bed, but I can't sleep.
19. I can't sleep, so therefore my stomache hurts and I don't eat.
20. I don't eat but continue to go to class, go to my job, work out, run around like a maniac, study, drink far more than I should, make an ass of myself, pick fights, stay up late, and... will someone just shoot me so I can quit whining? Or so that I can finally get some FRIEKING SLEEP!??!?!

I can't be who you want. I can't be your friend. I don't WANT to be your friend; I mean, I do. You're a really good friend, but... I want more. And you can't give that to me. So... Take your shit. I can't do this anymore. I remember why I was so hesitant this year. I remember. And now... Now I'm in far too deep to get out by myself, so you have to help me. Take your stuff, go away. I care, too much, and... I don't want to. I can't. People suck, you suck, and... I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to be the "bigger person" anymore. I want to be little, small, me. I want to get it my way or the highway, no one else matters but me. And you... Nope. I can't do it. Not even when I'm sober. When I'm sober I can try, but it's always there, that niggling little... "Well, what would happen if I ... " And... it's killing me. It's hurting me. It makes me want to cry. I don't, but it makes me want to. It makes me sob, tearlessly, to my Beetle, about how I can't even deal with you.


Goodnight, and hopefully I will remember this in the morning so I can do what needs to be done. Don't you realize I walk away because I -don't want to-? Don't you realize I walk away because it won't get better. It only gets worse. And... I don't want to stop it, so I don't. So... It's time to go. Sweet dreams, good life, take care. Adios.

I read books. It's true. Books offer a world other than ours. You can read to get lost, or you can read to stay grounded. I guess it all depends on what you read, right?

I read to stay sane. To remind myself that there are others out there with it worse off than me, or that I'm not the first person to have done it. Because if they thought of it and thought it worthy enough to write down, then you're definitely not the first. Or the last. Or anything special.

I find it funny how most people spend their whole life trying to find ways to make themselves special or just prove to themselves that they are unusual, original, etc. I think perhaps that the reason why is because they know they're special, deep down, everyone is. And this makes us scared. Everyone. So we try to find ways that we are elite, special, so that we have some group to fit into- the "Special" group. I do it, I readily admit it. I go around muttering about my special familiy, my special temperment, my special this or that. I'm not fucking special in any way that anyone else isn't. No fucking joke.

But I read to remind myself of it. To prove to myself that no... I really am pretty ordinary with some weird shit in my past that's made me just a little less ordinary. But not original, by far.

What brings this on? Thoughts on special people. thoughts on people that think they are so special. You're right. You're fucking weird. You're a fucking asshole, you're not someone everyone else can deal with. But you're not the only one. So chill out and just... relax.

Stoner and Spaz. It reminds me of who I am, what I am, the people who find me and the things that happen when they do. It reminds me that it's not personal, it happens to many, and... just go with it, enjoy it for the good times and mourn the bad. But don't regret it, because... it's life. It's normal life. Right smack in the middle of the spectrum, normal life.

I'm special, you're special, we're all special. And in that, we're completely normal. So... smile pretty and hold that pose.

Perfection. What is it? you ask. How do I get it? you wonder. Good questions, all. But upon thinking about what perfection is, in it's simplest form, perhaps you should wonder: Do I really want it?

And now I switch over to the SB. Have fun pondering. Hope it brought you as much insight as it did me.

Words of the night: Baaaaaahhhhh I'm a SHEEP!

An update for the Blogger I have so neglected these past couple of months. I've noticed. I never write here unless stuff is bad, because when it's good, I'm too busy going out and having fun! haha But for right now, I'm bored- it's too early for anyone to be up. Hell, I shouldn't be up. But I have been! For an hour now! Woot! So here I sit, sipping hot apple cider stolen from home, eating a yogurt for breakfast, and wondering when I'm going to get my chemistry done because it's just not looking good. haha

School is going well, I think. I don't have that much to do, but when I do, it's going to be all at once, hot and heavy like whoa. I think I've decided to take a year off from school and go play on a dude ranch somewhere in the west. Change of scenery, change of life, etc. maybe get my life back on a track I can be happy about. Whenever I think about where I'm going, it's with a constant state of panic because I already feel like a rat on a wheel, running running running and never getting anywhere. So I'm going to apply to some today, put some feelers out and check out what it'd be like to work on a dude ranch, maybe spend a year, maybe spend 3 months. Who knows? But... I think it's the catch I need to get out of the monotony and apathy I seem to have stepped in. I really feel like I need to get back to my horses; find my heart again. Hell, maybe it's gone forever, maybe I'm just too old and too steeped in the real world to get it back- God I hope not...

I've been hanging out almost daily with MM, Superhero; I really like him as a friend. We're really alike but completely different; it seems to me that everyone is the same. Very few people can you not see a piece of yourself; I think it's the people you dislike in which you recognize that part of yourself you don't like. Of course, then there's always the ignorant, stupid bastards who make me want to hit them because they're on a COMPLETELY different planet than the one called Earth. Anywway... It's been going well. We made a "deal;" he teaches me how to be a classy delinquent and I keep him young. *Laughs* Or rather, that's the only reason I can figure out for us hanging out. Brought me to a party at his friends' house last night; it was... a party. I knew no one and I wandered away from him within 20 minutes of being there to be my social self with 80 people I could care less about. Played coin toss, wandered, talked to some people, and had a decent time. He came back about an hour later- I knew where he'd gone but was... much happier chilling with everyone else. Then he drove me home because... get this, my roomie from freshman year- Lauren?- was causing shit in the other house, talking smack and just being herself, really... and there was going to be a very small crowd doing things I have no interest in doing. So... he drove me home at 11:30 and... yeeah.

I'm going with... Never again. Panda beat up my forehead with a log yesterday... Nice black and blue, thankfully hidden by my hair. I miss my doggies. Saddddddd... God, I'm tired.

Maine was a lot of fun! I got away from those nagging, niggling little thoughts that have been plaguing me for the past weeks and managed to have some good old-fashioned fun. Shooting guns (from shotgun to .22 to handgun) and swamp-blueberry berry picking were by far the highlights, though some good old mischief and lots of food were definitely what the doctor ordered.

I think living with Alex will be good. He seems so cool and calm and just... unshakable. And he doesn't put up with any shit. I can picture myself getting wound up and he'll just... point his finger, "Down." and it will be law. haha

Matt and I are... talking, at least. Better than what had been happening. Linds is still silent. I hate to think that that's the last word, but.. what else can I do? She's not playing the game anymore. There's a system to our friendship. We realize we're both far too... high-strung and we dealt with it. But I feel as though the system's failed. Since when has there ever been silence? Ever? I mean, when I do something grievous and she ignores me until I make it better, yes. But... Either I have committed some heinous crime and do not realize it or... the silence is being laid down for minor offenses. *Frowns* But what is not realized, and was known before, or perhaps is known and wielded for this very purpose, is that silence is... hatred. Silence is death. Silence is when the story ends.

Meh. So appropos, Aaron. Just... Meh.

I've got nothing else. My life is... good. Dynamic, but good.

I'm going to miss you terribly, you know. I think you might even miss me, too. But maybe not. We're both far too excitable, far too dependent, far too... us. You are the person with whom I can let down my hair. You are the person who I wanted to go see and show BABUG. You make me laugh hysterically. You make me so angry, I want to rip out my hair, then yours. But right now, I'm just so... tired. I'm don't feel sick very often very more, so I can't call it that. This is... exhaustion. This is me giving up because... I can't do it anymore.

I feel like I'm letting you down, in fact, I KNOW I'm letting you down. Big time. But you've let me down, too. You know me so well... And yet, I can't seem to get past the fact that you're a stranger now... I mean, I want to trust you. I want to know that you trust me, too. But... It's weird. It's almost like, in this past year, you've grown more strange to me than the guy who walks down the street. And I think it has to do with me being sick.

It was too long. Far too long. I let down everyone and I knew it. I hated not being able to go out, no being able to get off the couch and go play. I HATED just wanting to sleep and being cranky and not being able to stop myself. I'm not sure I can explain the depths of my self-hatred these past few months. And now... Now. What a wonderful time to be. Now, this second, this moment, this day. Now I'm STILL getting the shit end of the stick. All those friends I couldn't hang out with for so long, you included, no longer call because I'm not their crowd anymore. They've found a new frined to replace the one who sleeps all day. Understood... I mean, I would prolly do it, too. Everyone needs entertainment, right?

But this is me. Now. I'm tired. Bone tired, sick to death of being sick and of the consequences of having been sick. I can only call you so much, leave so many voicemails, say so many apologies, have people swear at me on your account so many times. I'm done, Linds. This is my last-ditch effort. I have nothing else. And if you can't accept the fact that I'm lashing out because I want to be your friend and have forgotten how, am so frustrated because now, when I CAN, you don't want to, then... What is there to save? I have been feeling like this for a while. While I love you to death and have so many memories of old and new, I can't fight anymore.

Take me as I am, or leave me. My cards are on the table.

If you're leaving me, have a great life. No regrets, yea?

I get the Beetle tomorrowwwwww!! YAYAY!! The chat with David went okay... Not great, but not bad. We are going to be friends, which is fine because it means I still have someone to hit up to go do stuff with me! YAY!

Yeah. Going to bed. The Matt thing? Eh... I'm going to surf it out and see what happens. And try not to stress too much in the meantime.

Today is going to be one of those days. I can tell. I got in a tiff with Matt last night- God, what a pain in the ass. I wanted to say to him, "Uh... Yeah... WEll maybe if you weren't a complete jackass who's pulled this shit more often than not...." I don't care about the stupid IC stuff. I just don't give a fuck anymore. WEll, not entirely correct. I don't give a flying shit about anyone but the three, and... as for Bri, I'm not all that interested because we parted ways so long ago, it's hard to summon up much in the way of emotion. Whatever. This is retarded and... I've got other matters to attend to.

Such as... Dave. WTF. Obviously, I have some sort of issue with communication. This is what I'm getting from current events. But seriously, dude, if you want to date me, calling me is sorta necessary. Just so you know. *Le sigh, rolls eyes* I'm trying to figure this into my day and... it's not working.

Also, the work with the Beetle is not going as fast as I would like. In fact, it's going dreadfully slow, dammit! I want my Bettle(sic)!

hahah

People still think I'm simple. After 3 years of college, with only 1 semester not on Dean's List, and enjoying friendships with people more intellectually stimulating than any astute revelation into the inner workings of quantum physics (interesting as that may also be, once dumbed down for my piteously low level of understanding), you would think I would have learned how to put forth the image of intelligence. Alas, it appears I am mistaken.

*Smiles* Well, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. If you're not perceptive enough to see it, then why should I waste my time trying to show you? Gee... Now if that doesn't sound like a Matt statement, I'm not sure what does.

Am I absolutely unreasonable? I mean, seriously. I realize I am, generally. But because I know it, I try to temper it with some logic. Today, logic seems to have failed. Miserably. And I'm not sure why... I would apologize, but I don't think I've done anything really wrong... So I'm going to sit here and cry about it.

I think I'm just so disgusted with myself in disappointing Linds so often in the recent past because I just -couldn't- do it and today I'm doing it again because my plans collide. I just... I hate to disappoint her because I would hate to be disappointed if she were to do it to me. Ugh... But she wouldn't give up plans with family for me, either, so... I guess it's about even on the karma scales. Mebbe?

PS. Bjork isn't horrible, and I've regained my love of Portishead. hehe And... Little Black Beetles with Attitude.

Alright, so I feel today has a story behind it that is worthy of telling.

I bought my Beetle. The 1998 VW New Beetle that has been staring at me from the corner of the road when my mom first took me to look at it and I pshaw'd it because it was an automatic. I took a test drive because of the 3 cars we found that I would dare be seen in, the beetle was the only one to pass my dad's inspection. Grudgingly, might I add.

I was sold. Carolyn and I took it out while my dad sat in the dealer's office and chit-chatted. We whiled away 45 minutes between driving and sitting in a parking lot to make lists of things wrong with it. (Picture us parked in an empty parking lot, both sitting in the backseat nodding, "Mmm... There's a lot of headroom in here! OMG! My knees don't hit! Sweeeeet!") It is a seriously quirky car, my friends... Already.

Then, in the week after, even while my dad agreed it was a very nice car for the money even with it's little quirks (heater vents that don't turn, cigarette burn in my seat, no trunk due to the massive subs... hahah... Amazing stereo system went into the cons list, jsut so you know), I slept 10 hours in 4 days, made an ass of myself with the boy I like because of it, and... pretty much tried to kill myself just functioning because I was worried about my tendency to fall in love and make bad, impulsive decisions.

I doubted myself. "You know, it's probably not half as great as you think... It's actually probably a piece of crap. Dad doesn't want it because it's foreign, mom's frieking because I like it for the stereo system... shit, what if it really is a bad car...??"

Sooo... Today, Mom dragged me out to go test drive a Saturn- "LOADED!! Sunroof, power everything, great gas mileage, 2001!"- which completely renewed my love for the little black Beetle.

Mom got out of the Saturn and was like... Well, it drives nicely and corners well... I wanted to cry. She'd been bought over by the Saturn devils. But if it wasn't my imagination, the Beetle did everything just as nicely... and without that creaky noise I'd heard. Icky. So I went for my second drive in the Beetle and mom got to see the inside for the first time. This is how it went.

When she gets in: "Um... The moulding is falling off here... Yeah..." In a "OMG, this car is... well, it just is," voice.
On the road: "Hmm... It seems to be solid, anyway." to "Wow, this sound system is... awesome!" as she blasts the music so loud, I swear I hear my spine clattering. To "Alright. You. Out. I wanna drive this buggy." to, as we fly down the on ramp at 55, swerve all over the highway at 75 to "check steering," and fly back up the off ramp without a brake light in sight, "So, I think you jsut got yourself a little black Beetle, Pie."

Mwuahahah... There is a God. Boys can still eat dirt, but my little car and I, ROCK!

Well, I suppose for the sake of entertainment and keeping my faithful readers (Beth) up to date,I had better relay the events of the past two days... I call them the "GiveaflyingF" days, mainly because I didn't.

Thursday I was tired, but in that logey, exhausted, I-don't-care-just-don't-make-me-do-anything way. I hung out with Elijah all day and a question and conversation had come up that started me thinking, a momentuous event worthy of note, I know. So, on my drive up to Hudson, struggling not to kill myself by falling asleep at the wheel, I thought some more; on the way back, I thought a little bit more, then in one of my typical impulsive moments, I called up MM and left him a voicemail (the first of two now being called the "WTFmessages") saying something along the lines of, "Why didn't we have more sex? I think it would have been better if we'd done it more. Just a thought. Call me back with ideas on the topic."

Friday morning, I was reading an away message with something about how scorpion bowls weren't a great life decision the night before class. So I left that person a message saying something like... "Hey, this is Abbi from HS. I'm not sure why you're still on my buddy list, or ever were, but... yeah... It didn't work out so well for me, either. Good luck with that!" Now, the best part of all this? Not so much the message itself but the recipient: Dubey. *Blinks* He made me laugh... I thought that a good excuse to impart my well wishes for his plight, no?

Friday late morning, I was getting itchy. Not that scratch at mosquitoe bite itchy, but the, "I want to do something, I have thought way too much about it, anddd.... goddammit, I can't stand it anymore," itchy. So I left a note on a guy's windshield at work with, "Margaritas and chicken wings? *Insert cell # here*" knowing full well he'd know exactly who it was and figuring anyone who didn't really need to know, wouldn't.

Friday afternoon, got a phone call, made some plans, started driving far too fast on 95 and 395, picked up Carolyn from work and headed back to my place to get on some less disgusting clothes. Down to Providence where he made dinner, we hung out with his roomies and their girlfriends, then went out for drinks. Good times all around. We just sat on the couch and chatted for about 2 hours after that while everyone else went to bed; I really like talking to people with more on their minds than their next high (in whatever form that may take).

So, I guess we'll see where this goes.

PS. I got stung in the nose by a bee... ON MY PILLOW! WTF, mate!!! My nose did not swell up, but... now it's got this ugly red bump that looks like a "giant pimple" which Carolyn says I should shut up about because I've never had a giant pimple in my life. hahahahah Good point.

"We're not that good of friends, so don't even worry about it."

Boss: What're you two doing?
David: Getting stuff done.
Me: Looking busy, you?

Gee... I cannot even begin to say what a relief it is when you find out that the government had decided you are poor enough to pay for your rent so you can go to school. Lmao Not the poor part, the relief being that I no longer have to swimp and scrounge and wonder where the hell I'm going to get a rent check from. LoL Or... How much longer it's going to be before I can pay back my student loans because I just keep adding more every year! lmao

Sooo.... Excited. SWEET!

hahah I'm so getting Margaritas.... BEECHES, WHAT?!

Sitting in the house depresses me like nothing else; I think it's possibly not even the mono entirely that's keeping me down. I am sick, I can feel it. But I think that this sickness is getting to my head. I'm so disgusted with not being able to do what I want when I want, that I'm doing nothing, ever. But this will stop. Mebbe. LoL I'm going riding tomorrow, then I'm going to try to force myself into something social, then... Ugh... I don't know. This is getting really bad.

How do you know it's bad? When you tell your friends NOT to hang out with you because you are not fit for company. hahah Wooooonderful!

Due to these constraints, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will NOT be getting my dream car this summer, but will instead, be getting another junker. Frieking A, YES!!! I can't wait!!! I think this is the response my mom is waiting for. In vain.

I refuse to let boys come between Linds and I. Mono? Yes. Boys? No. hahaha You're right, this summer was supposed to be awesome and here we are... But at least this partnership is 1/2 awesome, right??? LoL

I want my wit, my brain, my humor, me, back. Mom says i am in remarkably good humor for someone who falls asleep every couple of hours, but... I would much rather just not fall asleep and have ALL my humor back... haha Tough bargaining, right??

Meh. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be better. I am determined. Right after bloodwork and riding... and no food... My stomache feels sick already at this thought. No food???? How will I SURVIVE!!??? hahah Night, all.

Okay, so evidently, NaOH and my face do not match well. I now have these red marks from when Carolyn and I had to put NaOH into containers this morning and evidently some of it got airborne and burned around my eyes. Grrr... They're not huge, and they'll be fine in a bit, but they still sting, so... No bueno. I'm so NOT impressed.

Also, I'm going out with the girls to Effin's and... well, I refuse to wear makeup. Instead, I'll wear my new awesome hat and be the coolest chica there. So, what what?!

I sit here and write in shock. I will not tell you what about, except that in my secret life, it's absolutely fantastic and breath-taking. For beauty, for boldness, for sheer insanity. And no matter the outcome, the journey, long or short, has started off amazingly.

*Smiles* Take that, doubts. Take that.

I think I'm okay now. Why I wasn't okay in the first place, I'm unsure. But it's okay now.

I think the mono is finally loosening its grasp. I can stay up a little later, I can do a LOT more. But, it's given me a reason to say no. If I don't want to go somewhere, I think about it now instead of instantly agreeing just to be social. And honestly, there aren't many places I want to go. I really could be the most anti-social person ever; it's kind of funny in a quiet, alone sort of way.

Tomorrow is my second riding lesson of the summer. I'm excited. I think these lessons might actually be something I'll stick with. A barn I will like. Real people. It's hard to find them in horse world; so many are floating without a tether. Hell, maybe I'll even get to play at shows. After cleaning out my bureau, I found a treasure trove beneath clothes I haven't worn in years. A folder labelled, "Treasure's Folder," contained lists of horse shows I attended as a kid, rated and otherwise, with the points I'd racked up in Arab world. I looked through it and started smiling- I used to be good at this.

I think experience, of any sort, is good. The really powerful experiences are what makes a person, though. What gives them -character-. I used to dread when Becky would say that, but it's so true. The experience may be tough, but what it gives you in the end will be well worth it. And I want more. I want to live and truly experience it.

A good poem is the one that kicks you in the heart. Right on, Goudreau.

I hate this new Blogger, just for the record. HATE IT.

Now, for something a bit funnier. Take offense, please.

"Emo pizza cuts itself." - Sage Francis

This is an amazing song. There are so many little pieces of it that I love, and I'm in love with the whole song.

Oh, Marion by Paul Simon


The boy's got brains
He just don't use 'em that's all
The boy's got brains
He just refuse to use 'em and that's all
He said "The more I got to thinkin
The less I tend to laugh"
The boy's got brains
He just abstains

The boy's got a heart
But it beats on the opposite side
It's a strange phenomenon
The laws of nature defied
He said "Its a chance I had to take
So I shifted my heart for its safety sake"
The boy's got a heart but it beats on
His opposite side

Oh, Marion,
I think I'm in trouble here
I should have believed you
When I heard you saying it
The only time
That love is an easy game
Is when two other people
Are playing it

The boy's got a voice
But the voice is his natural disguise
Yes the boy's got a voice
But his words don't connect to his eyes
He says "Oh, but when I sing
I can hear the truth auditioning".
The boy's got a voice
But the voice is natural

Yeah, I also love a bit of risk. I don't know what it is, but risk turns me on, hardcore.

haha Yeah... Who lives up to the stereotypical image of girls? Me. I heart open windows, best friends in the room next door or on the couch next to me, andddd.... sneaky stuff. It makes me feel all tough and sneaky, I think. Like I'm getting away with something.

I'm going through withdrawals. This is such heavy shit, I really don't like boys right now. Especially beautiful ones who are just.. ridiculously silly. And by heavy shit, I mean I'm being a dipshit; I recognize it, understand it, and still feel it. *shrugs* Whatcha gonna do? I know. Write in your blog, tell your best friend, and... get the fuck over it.

Why is is that I persist in falling for boys who are unavailable, yet so beautiful that every time I see them or a picture of them, I cringe with knowing just how shallow I am?

PS. I give up on trying to be cool. I'm not, I know. Whatever. Quit rubbing it in my FACE, will ya?!

I have found so many good quotes today. Many of them went to my away messages, but I feel as though I'm filling up my screen with them. Sooo... I will put the rest of the good ones on here. YAY!

“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.”

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.”

I think of you when I do anything, and it challenges me to be better than I am.

“-You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
-What mood is that?
-Last-minute panic.” Calvin and Hobbes

“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.” - Oscar Wilde

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.” - Josh Groban

I think if I put 1/2 as much carelessness into my boys as I do into my friends, I would have no issue with the clinginess factor.

No matter which way you go,
No matter which way you stay.
Go out out of mind.
Out of my mind.
I was walking with a ghost,
I said please,
Please don't insist.

Thank you again for a wonderful piece of music, Senor Tricks. It makes me smile!

Now, enough about that because... this has to do with my being done with boys. And feeling, at the same time, relieved and anxious. Anxious because honestly... I enjoy attention and... I see no attention in my near future. LoL Booo!!! But god... The drama-less aspects are kind of nice.

I am making right in my head. Matt and I reconciled our differences and admitted what asses we'd been and though we will surely never run into each other again after this week, it's good to know those days are over; Mike and I have parted ways permanently- friendship does not work, I maintain; Tricks and I have also parted ways, though for how long, I am unsure. We are both far too happy discussing ideas to part forever.

Cara the Horse (Who the HELL names a horse Carousel? Don't they understand that a name like that is degrading?) is amazing. I've been working her and though she's still a skinny and ungainly looking creature, her work ethic amazes me. She is absolutely a less angry Dan, which might be kinda cool- see what kind of girl Dan was before she decided humans suck. She even says hi, now! When she sees me coming, she says hi! I nearly dropped my saddle the other day when I was walking up the path and I heard her. hahah

OMG!!!
Funny story. Sooo... I have decided that I have a phobia... of pushy Hispanic men. I went out with Laura, Kristy, Kate, and one of Kristy's friends, Kendra, to the bar. Kristy ran into this gorgeous guy- Chayo, or however you spell it- and so we all gravitated to the pool table so her and Laura could play with this guy and his friends... Pushy, creepy Hispanic men. *Blinks* I was fine until one of them decided that I had to see him again, and I was thinking, Uhhhh... I'm going to leave now... (Yeah... Understatement of the year. Did I mention I have a phobia of pushy Hispanic men- Thank you, Luis and your wonderful family)

So, we ( minus Kendra) went back to the house and I breathed a sigh of relief and had a great time laughing about to to Kate while L&K went upstairs to do whatever. Then... I hear the basement door close and Kendra yells up, "Hey guys!! I brought Chayo and the mexicans!" Well... I took one look at Kate who hadn't heard what she'd said, then leapt off the couch, kicked off my sandals so I could leap over the couch in my way and after slamming into the wall (I was tipsy) bolted up the stairs on my hands and knees. Kate came up a moment later and was like... What the HELL was that all about? I responded with a stage whisper of... Mexicans!!!!

But picture it. 5'7" and tipsy dodging a coffee table, hurdling over a couch when I can barely run in a straight line SOBER!, and crawling extremely quickly up stairs- I'm cracking up thinking about it!

Oh, the insanity.

Alright, so...in the course of being friends, Mike has blown me off, count it, twice. So... Needless to say, I was getting pretty pissed. Fortunately, I have a brain and a cell phone and some condition that makes anger clear my head so I can get in pretty awesome plays.

Last night, I'd had enough. I sent him a text: "Wow, you are such a jerk. Did you have to practice or does it come naturally?" and shut off my phone so I could grab some sleep for this wonderfully full day with my best friend.

This morning, sure enough, there's a text back. "I'm sorry, I'm at Charlie o's, I got drunk too quickly I'm so sorry." I snarled at it, and wrote back, "Well, I'm done with being blown off. Want to be friends? Prove it. Because with friends who treat me like this, I really don't need enemies."

And now... Instead of that sinking feeling that I have when I know I'm failing at life, I realize I'm back. And no, you don't have to take it silently. Stand up and fight, because sometimes, it's what you've gotta do.

And todaaaaayyyy... I am so excited! Soap Box Derbies in Newport, then Sheep Shearing and wonderfulness in Jamestown!! WOOT! Annnddd.... Going to get my mom a Mother's Day present at the Herb sale up the road. I'm so excited. She's going to love it! I'm wearing my camo skirt and... Wow. I'm not sure this day can get much better. hahah

I have made a breakthrough, at least for the moment. About the friends thing. Usually, I enter into relationships with boys not expecting to be friends. And I think most girls do the same. BUT I think girls and guys actually make really good friends because they -don't- think the same.

So, even though I may still want to kiss Mike Morgan occasionally, just as I wanted to kiss Andrew occasionally, I think having them for friends might be just as much fun.

I called Andrew. If Katrina and him go to the party tomorrow, we're going to chill. I will try to stop being an attention whore and... things will be good.

Good plan, right? It usually is. Let's hope it works into good action, too. hehe

PS. I have a soulmate, I know who they are, and... I can't wait until they know. :)

I truly believe that if it weren't for Linds these past couple of weeks, I would be stark raving mad right now. First, she visited and took me out when I was sick, even though she didn't understand that my mono couldn't hurt her. Next, she cheered me up and visited people with me and made for entertainment so I didn't have to when I was tired. Then, she puts up with my ridiculous plans for fun- Apple to Apples, Dunkin Donuts, Crystal, Charlene, and just... ridiculousness.

So... What do you do when your best friend is having a birthday, after she does all these things for you?

I'm not sure yet, but I'm working on it.

Carolyn. She saved my skin. I don't know how I would have made it through classes if she hadn't taken notes, copied and scanned and been just a ridiculous little paper-hater. hahah Thank you so much for allowing me to keep up. I would so have had to repeat this stupid semester if not for you, darling.

I really just want to go back to bed. It's such a lousy day out and I'm only thinking of things I would really rather not. I hope Linds is having a good day at 6 Flags, but if it starts raining, I'm going to have to think she may not be... Icky.

Ooh la la! I got asked out to dinner tonight! I had to say no and take a rain check, but... yay!

Imagine. Start off yelling at someone and end up being asked out to dinner. What a weird way life works.

Have you ever had one of those moments where things jsut come together and you can feel, literally, all the stuff you have to do pushing down on you until your knees buckle and all you're good for is kneeling there with face in hands to cry until there's nothing left?

Sometimes those are good moments. They give you that necessary outlet sometimes deperately needed to regain your cequilibrium and get your brain started thinking of ways to fix "it" whatever "it" may be.

Sometimes, those moments only serve to waste valuable time.

I haven't quite decided what my moment will be, yet. Maybe a little bit of both. But.. at least it's over, right?

I'm sick. I have been since since before vacation, since before Christmas, evidently. Didn't know it, so just thought I was tired from classes, work, boy, etc. Nope. I was sick.

MONO.

God, what a dreaded word to hear when test results come back positive. That cruel illness that strike you down without further thought, proceeds to try to eat your spleen. Then when it finds it cannot, that your spleen refuses to succumb to its greedy appetite, sends down further illness to destroy your liver- this is that monster.

I am so sick of being sick. I am now at least 2 weeks behind in school, and after I go back, probably more. I look outside and the sunshine holds charm, so I know I'm better, but there is no inclination or desire to go out- for what can I do? Nothing. Lay there on a pad of pillows and blankets, freezing, for it is still cold out. So I lay on the couch in what my mom playfully calls my "nest," refusing to eat because it hurts, being forced to eat and resentfully doing so... but only because I know that if I don't, it'll take longer to get better.

God, I'm so sick of being sick. Of feeling like I want to cry all the time because one part of another hurts, of feeling fire and ripping when I swallow, of looking in the mirror and only recognizing crazy hair, straight nose- those blue eyes aren't mine. Since when were my eyes so sad and lifeless? Since when were they so... empty?

Every once in a while, I feel strong. I try not to talk, it hurts. So I type. This is one of the first times. It makes me want to hit something, to... cry and scream and shriek and rail against the unfairness of it all- I'm going to have to repeat this stupid semester! Do all this CRAP again! Without any friends or help, without anyone but myself! It's frustrating enough to make me want to quit, to just lay in a heap on my bed and give up... Ugh... So fatalistic. I'm done... I'm getting tired, I can tell. More TV, more Lasher, more... nothing. Yay.

Can someone please cheer me up? I want wit, I want charm and sarcasm. I want... to be normal again. Happy. Ugh... Change thyself, for no one else can, right? Ugh. I hate being right. I hate knowing the answers already. I agree, Matt. Perhaps to have no knowledge would be nice. Then, at least, I could have hope until someone else broke up. Wouldn't have to know from the very beginning that I will not be happy until -I- am happy. Does that make sense? I'm rambling. Enough. Done.

I'm giving it until next Friday, then it's coming down. It's coming down anyway, but I figure that the statute of limitations is 3 weeks. Then... I'm done. Without any face-to-face, because it will be considered an act of neglect anyway. But then again, what's new?

I'm sorry you couldn't realize what you had, but... we were so wrong anyway...

I love Enya. She is just so wonderful. And you know what else I love? THE FACT THAT I'M GOING TO MYRTLE BEAAACHHH!!!

I really should continue doing work. But I jsut don't want to. I want to go play video games with Paul and Austin, or... watch Moulin Rouge, or... talk with Matt, should he ever show up. I mean, I've gotten a considerable bit done. I'm finished with that SOC project, I'm done with the readings due tomorrow, and... I'm going to look over my Gen and Patho notes. But seriously? All I want to do is anything else. haha

I am so laaaaaazy today! I just don't want to do anything! Nevermind reading more science crap, or going to work, or going out tonight. I simply want to curl up with my blankets and a pair of sweatpants and... do NOTHING!!!

*rolls eyes* Yay me, right?

But you know what I am going to do? read, put my laundry away, and get my ass to work. Right. Yay.

*Narrows eyes* Grrrr... I'm so annoyed right now, I could... go scream in the SB.

I hav discovered a new song that... it makes me very happy. And considering how much I like similar music, it's really not that unexpected, but... Oh, I really like this song. Thanks, Chris!

"Oh mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. Hangman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long."

Mmm... Haven't written in a while, but things are going as well as can be expected.

Looking into medical schools, priimarily those south of Maryland, but... who knows? I guess Carolyn Beth and I are heading to NC to look into schools in that area, as Carly's mom is moving down there the end of this school year.

I am kinda sorta maybe a little bit dating a boy... Chris. He's really sweet and nice, but sometimes I just... don't get him. I don't understand how he... cares.. as little as it appears to me. Or maybe, he just doesn't have as many interests as deeply-rooted as my own? Or... Dear God, this could completely explain it- maybe he's not as exciteable or opinionated as me on topics of his own interest. Meh. I will figure it out.

I'm holding back from him, and I feel bad. But... I feel no inclination to let him get closer... I mean, I don't know. I guess I'm just being me. I have to make up my mind. I have to decide what I want to do. Argh.

Enough.

I am feeling utterly unsocial, stemming from a lack of self-confidence, which is entirely acceptable when one knows not even their own mind on matters of... some import.

Wow. I read Jane Austen and now suddenly, I am thinking in similar style. Scary.

My mom has my fish... I hope Arby is still alive. He wasn't altogether happy the last I saw him. And the goldfish? I wonder if they even get fed. Darn me for leaving them at my house... Boo!

My mom has discovered the joys of AIM. *Grins* It's very amusing to talk with her in this manner-I never thought I'd see the day, haha

Alright... Enough of my shallowness. I shall reserve depth for that which none see but me... heh Happy New Year!

PS. New Year's Resolution? Less/No swearing, and remember to spell name as Abbi.