Christmas was fun... But I must say, I'm not sure I'm looking forward to going back to URI. I mean, I'm not really going to have anything to do. My eye-candy inthe hall, both Mike and Andrew, are gone, and what am I going to do? LoL Well, maybe somehott boys will move in and I can get along with them.. .LOL I hope so. I need a boytoy. heh

Anyway... I've seen Cat, and hung out with SB and Ala while I'm home. At the moment, I'm really not happy with Christine or Katie. Katie's such a bitch. It seems like now that she's in hte Navy, she's better than anyone else. It's her thing and no one else's... Except maybe Meagan's. It makes me sad... And I always remember how much I used to love hangin gout with her, so i keep inviting, thinking that last time and the time before that and so on, were just bad days. Fuck that. I'm so sick of it. Screw you. Too good for us? Then go back to Maine. Burrillville doesn't suit you anyway.

We still have a puppy, the owners haven't come t oget her yet... their baby was 7 weeks early, or something like that, so... no time for puppies!! But, she's so cute. Pictures are taken daily, like she's ours or something. Heh. Cat was trying to be such a tough guy... I took her over when I gave him his christmas present, and he wouldn't look at her, but then you could see the crack. He'd play with her.. and then, while I stole his computer and told him to make sure she didn't chew up anything, I hear this stomping in the kitchen, and go out to watch him chasing her and gizmo aorund the table, hten they'd chase him- it was hlarious. LoL

"And then she asked for the clinic and got some static walking through the door. They called her a killer and they called her a sinner and they called her a whore. God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes. Becuase then you really might know what it's like to have to choose. " -Everlast

Every time I hear that, I remember Naomi talking about that abortion clinic, and it makes me remember how I felt, just reading about it. It sucked the happiness out of me. I would love to copy and paste it here again, jsut to remind myself of how I felt imagining myself there, but I hated that feeling. Depressed at the bleakness of the whole situation. From the people outside screaming about killers and sinner and whores... to the mothers inside; the few of them that probably deserve the names, but mostly the others who don't. They all deserve our deepest sympathy. For those of whom that believe so strongly in a cause they don't see, or worse, care how much it hurts others; those that can't or won't understand they are essentially killing a possibility of greatness; and for the poor souls having to walk through all of it, undeserving of the heckling and innocent of any cruel intentions.

Altruistic- As a noun... 1. Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness. 2. Zoology Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of the species.

Hmm... I don't see it. Do you?

Okay. Can I jsut say that strong men are a turn on?.. Being picked up and moved around like I weighed nothing was definitely HOT!! Can I jsut say that?? Of course I can! It's my Blogger! HAH! I like. I really really really -like-. Uh huh!

Gentleness is a definite must, and persistence is... pushy. But necessary, I suppose. Look who we're dealing with. *laugh*

Anyway... More on that in the SB.

Oh, poop. I have to buy my bro a sweatshirt today... WOOT! More distractions! YAY! Math kills me. I hate not knowing what I'm doing...

I'm wearing a stolen sweatshirt, which smells absolutely divine. Like... Gardenia Lily and Vetyver. Spicy and sweet... Yum. I'm milking it for all its worth. Soon as its given back, it'll smell like cigarettes, sweat, hockey, and uck. I definitely think I should rescue this hoody and never give it back. LoL

I think I shoul get back towork and quit doing this. Duh me.

ABIGAIL
A	is for	Altruistic
B	is for	Bubbly
I	is for	Important
G	is for	Gorgeous
A	is for	Animated
I	is for	Insane
L	is for	Liberal

What Does Your Name Mean?

Ever have that feeling where everything is so sad, becuase you never did half of what you should have? It's kind of what I feel like when I read through my yearbook comments and everything. Half the people I didn't like, I didn't know, and the other half, didn't know me. And that was the problem. I'm really quite sad that it took me this long to grow up and get some sense of self.

I was looking through all the notes people left me, and I was really sad when I noticed that the people who I absolutely used to -love- hanging around with, becuase they were funny, or jsut plain weird, I don't hang around with, and the one person who I thought was the biggest idiot ever, I turn out to love like a bro. A retarded, know-it-all, Pain-in-my-ass, I-will-never-be-there-for-you, bro, but one nonetheless. One whom, I'm sad to say, I think I'm outgrowing. More on that in the SB. But honestly, I wish I'd known Dubey better in HS, and I wish I had more confidence in myself, then and now, LoL

Anyway... It jsut made me sad, and it made me remember all the people who died, and all the things that I loved and hated about it, and... well, jsut plain nostalgia, I guess.

Have you ever been so completely mind-boggled with such a new completely different way of seeing things, tha you jsut need to sit down and contemplate?

That post was soo.. small. I've been having a great time lately. I have friends, and not ones whom I have to depend upon for anything, jsut people to chill out with and enjoy their company. I have a pair of sweatpants that are long enough to wear at a level appropriate to sweatpants, and I've got a new perspective on things, thanks to my, "back to being pals," bro. I love you Cat, always have, always will. You're just so damned.. different.

On saturday, I get to defend my rough-tough(-creampuff?) SB, from the scary closet monsters- Love those nights!!- ie. sit up all night eating kettle corn and watching girl movies, fall asleep on hte couch and wake up really late, then go to Panera for breakfast/lunch. Hot dawg, what could be better!?

Hmm. I jsut re-added this link to my profile, so perhaps I should clarify the last post for someone who might decide to explore. No worries, I really don't care. I'm so happy to know so many different people with different experiences, I can always fall back and find someone to help me out wiht an opinion or whatever I need. Thanks to Naomi and Meagan, you two are my angels. Meagan- I can't wait to see you over Christmas BREAK!!!! YEAH!!! WOOT!

Hahah... thats enough for now. I'm in suhc a good mood. Maybe it's my anarchy/peace/love/crazyness tanktop that's making me happy? heh

Only 3 days between enties, are you proud of me? I'm rather proud of myself, to be truthful. It's Turkey Day!! I stayed home tonight because hoenstly, I really didn't want to go anywhere. Good book, good company, great food, what the hell else could i ask for?

Anyway... I think I may have made my New Year's Resolutions tonight. there are three, actually... though I know only one, maybe two may get done.

1.) Start doing my crunches and stuff again... I'm sick of having a gut. Yuck. -Every night, 20 reps of each, 2 sets... Ugh.
2.) Get some help, however possible.
3.) Get to running. I need to do 2 miles in 19 minutes... Hopefully, I'm able to even run two miles.. I'm pretty sure I can, but this is me, for God's sake. - 2 miles, every day.

Well... I'm off to start my first resolution... *face* Um... Wish me luck? heh

Yesterday was such a horrible day. I wanted to shoot myself in the face, preferably with something that would hurt- so I could bear punishment for what I did. First off, I've decided that I have no friends. Or, more likely, they just think I'm annoying and hate me. Probably the latter. I mean, I know I'm emotional and explosive, and high-strung, and all that. I'm sorry... I've tried to change, but it never seems to work. I think I need counseling, and some good drugs. Taking my cue from the person who knows me best, I think I need anti-depressants... Becuase I'm hardly ever in a normal mood- maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe I'm such a person who tried to explain her very obvious mood swings on a brain disorder. Hah... I really do think I may ask for a psychiatric counselor for Christmas. I think there really is something wrong with me... Always have, and probably always will.

Also, I think I'm incapable of living with someone. I'm jsut too damned... high-strung. I can't deal with people always around- I need time to jsut think, be alone, cry every once in a while, and chill. I'm not social, I just like everyone to think I am. No, I like people, I jsut never know how to act around them... I'm socially inept. On a scale of social IQ, I would be in hte negatives. But again, I think I need some help because I really can do it sometimes, and others, I jsut want to crawl under a rock and die, and acting like what everoyne expects me to be like, is torture. I want t ocry so much right now.. .I can feel the tears welling up, but I can't break down... I just can't.

Anyway... messages to people who I know read this. Jeremy, don't lecture me. Honestly, I react badly, if you couldn't tell from last ngiht. I know when I step over the line, and jsut the fact that you tlak down to me, infuriates me. It seems like every time I talk to you, whether I've been a jerk or not, you're talking down to me. I expect more of you. And that's why I've been such an ass lately. Because you should know better. Lecturing me, on anything, is unacceptable. You're not my dad, you have no higher knowledge to call upon, I don't need it,I don't want it, I won't take it. And when I'm in a funk, I suggest you lay off. I will never get violent, but just don't push it. I hate being cornered. As you very well know.

What happened? Yesterday was jsut a horrible day, I blew up on someone who I shouldn't have, and then got extremely violent when someone tried to talk to me like I was 8. I'm not 8, don't treat me like I am. Especially when I'm already in a dicey mood.

Anyway.. I hate apologies, but I hate not sleeping even more. I Have to apologize to John, and I will. Though I really think he went looking for a reaction, (He came into my room to drop the name he knew would probably set me off.) I shouldn't have gone off on him like that. I jsut need to chill out, (heh... Maybe I should call up my "chill" friends...) and stop being so damned reactional. (Is that a word?)

And to my friends. I'm not even sure who you are anymore. Seriously, I feel like I'm something you swept under the rug so you could forget about it. I hate the fact that I'm becoming the same perso nI was in high school.. .I need new friends. This sucks like whoa. (SB, Christine, Crystal, Linds, and anyone who thinks this doesn't fit, it probably doesn't. No worries! ")> )

Anyway... I'm aiming for a better day today, but it is winter, so... there's a good chance that it won't happen. Winter and I don't get along very well.. LoL

I had so much fun last night. I was really really tired when I left here, but like,as soon as I got to having fun wiht Linds, I was so awake. Kyle is so adorable, they're lucky to have each other. I missed the girl so much, with her craziness and fun.

Crystal was sooo distracted. I kno that as soon as she got home, she went over to Paul's. *shrugs* I don't expect to see much of her anymore, LoL At least, not until the initial shock wears off. By the way, they're going out, she asked him... Ooh la la! Progress for the Crystal!! Now all ew hav eot do is get me to kiss someone and we're golden! The girls will have gotten over their relationship fears! LoL

Okay... first off, Darling, I miss you like whoa. I miss SB, Christine, Ala, Lynch, the good times with Cat, and so many other things that I've gone without since I came to college, it's like a physical hurt. But... I'm glad you've realized that it's time to head ot a concert and try (once again!) to teach me how to do the crip walk. Lmao

I've got class in like... 10 minutes. shit. Well... The deal. I moved out of Fayerweather, and into Tucker. My new roomie is so much better than my old, I feel like I've moved into a new world, where I don't have to tiptoe around and it isn't like I absolutely hav eot get out, 24-7.

I've realized my obsession with Cat- Hah... I am so intrigued by the kid becuase we're the same person. WE react differently, but the reasonings behind why we do it, are the same. I was talking to him, and realized that when he's not trying to push me away, his reasons are so close to my own... That's why we can just know when the other person's BSing or feeling bad, or whatever.

Boys are retarded, all of them. That's my conclusion. And I think Felix is now backing off, officially. LoL Probably a good thing. I need to stay focused on work, and always wanting to see him was killing me. I'm enough of a procrastinator, don't give me an actual reason... LoL

Besides, boy's suck. And jsut for the record, I'm sick of the bitch act. Abby's back, bitch or not, and competition is jsut a bit too much. I remember why I didn't hang out with you in HS, and god... I need better friends. Screw you, I'm chilling with Lindsey tonight, and we're soing FUN STUFF! Hah! heh Yay Lynchey! I missed ya!

I'm vry bored... With nothing to really chat about, just a need to do something... I'm so bored. LoL I might jsut go to bed at 10 pm on a saturday night... something I haven't done since i came here... Or all summer, for that matter. lmao

Anyway... jsut for the record, I won my class at the Avon Valley Intercollegiate Show today! Granted, i was only in the W/T class, so I feel like I cheated, but I did win... And I worked for it. I liked the horse I was on, but there was nothing really horirble about it. The funny thing, is that I should have been disqualified twice!! LMAO! Before the class even started, I started trotting, figuring that I would chck it out, see how the horse went... Well, evidently, I learned as I got screamed at after hte class, that's not allowed... LoL And neither is yelling your position when someone's boxing you in on the rail, and preparing to run you down... Interesting, huh? Things you learn, I suppose... LoL.

So, I couldn't beleieve when after the clas, I'm putting the stirrups up on Diamond, and the girl next to me, on hte team, is like, "OMG!! Abby, you won!!" ANd I just ooked at her, laughed, and kept putitng up the stirrups.. "Nope. Not me." And she just looked at me like I was crazy. I deifnitel didn't deserve that ribbon. I sucked. LoL

hah... Back at school on a Sunday, hanging with the crew. Me, Carly, Beth, and Laura, of course!! LoL We're watching the Red Sox kill St. Louis and cheering with the best of them... Honestly, I'm not sure I want them to win... It's kinda cool having a curse and everything, a tradition. These days, everyone wants an explanation for everything, wants to know the formula about why it works, and why, if it doesn't, it doesn't. They don't want any mystery or illusion in their life... And I find that boring as all hell. So... I kind of hope that the Red Sox don't win, just so the curse goes on. But, then again, I hope that they wicked do!!! Dude, teh Red Sox are in the WORLD SERIES!!!

So... Hung out with Luis and Fabio(?) last night, and not only did I get stepped on, and threated to be drowned, but Luis also decided that I belonged on the corner in the middle of s. Providence. WTF MATE!! The whole night was kind of crazy, starting out with Felix asking me to go sleep with him, and me being like... No... Nope... Uh uh... NO!! LoL And then being told that becuase I'm loud, Felix would jsut tell me to shut the fuck up becuase he doesn't like loud people. And then me telling them that if he ever said something like that, he'd have my foot up his ass jsut before I walked out the door. lmao The look on their faces... heh

Crystal has definitely decided that she's "not sure about the whole family," but she had fun... I concur. LoL Love that line... heh

ADIOS! BASEBALL TIME!!!!

Yeah... Well, as for being depressed? I kicked that fast... did you really have any doubts? No? I did. I knew how it has been in the past... Always pretending to be happy, but everone and yourself knows how crazy sad you are- transparent as me? It's not hard to tell. But... I have a new distraction, and though it still kind of comes up with certain actions, I'm pretty much cool.

My new distraction? Oooh... Well, let me tell you. Gladly. There are no trust issues, becuase as far as I can tell, he's looking for someone to joke around with and just... be friends with benefits. Which works for me... I'm still feeling wicked paranoid.

His name is Felix... Like the cat! And let me tell you... Oh, dear Lord, he's enough to make any category of "hott like whoa!" About 6', WICKED built, Dominican, with this sexy spanish accent, and all the good stuff. Good times with Beth and him and Luis, his cousin/roommate. Luis is dead sexy, too; 6'3", slender but muscular, and with an accent, too!! And he speaks Japanese! How cool is that!?

Anyway... It's been fun stalking them both with Beth... LoL Running through the boiler room becuase it's frelling hot!! funny shit... and jumping over the creepy holes in the floors! lmao

So, how're those poolsticks?
Luis speaking spanish with Felix,
Felix looking at him, then me, "Are you sleeping over tonihgt?" LMMFAO!!

Wicked funny... And yes, I have slept over their dorm... Actually, the first night I met them... heh! In the extra bed, of course!!

Beyond this last mention of last night's events, you are gone. Like the dirt washed away by last night's rain. Maybe the rain is a metaphorical symbol. Cleansing away the old, and bringing to light the new.

Please don't ever call, IM, or contact me in any way. You hurt me too much, and I'm afraid I might forgive you.

Last night, I found out who my real friends were, and who they weren't. Carolyn, Beth, Laura, Corey, Dave, Devon, thank you so much for being there when I needed you last night. Carolyn, Beth, and Laura, if you hadn't come to rescue me, I probably would still be stuck on the side of Rte. 102... Thank you so much.

What happened? An interesting story for sure.

On Sunday, I was a bitch to the One Who No Longer Exists (aka Catfish) because he was a dick to me. I was sick of fighting though, so I headed up to Providence to see his hockey game and apologize. In retrospect, I'm kind of glad I didn't get the chance.

The long and short of it is, "I don't know where Rte. 95 is; I can't help you." CLICK! Which is exactly what he said when I called him, as I was going 50 mph down Rte. 95 in South Providence, my car overheating.

Carolyn, Beth and Laura were the ones to rescue me, and for that I am extremely thankful. Like I said, I know who my friends are, and who they aren't.

I am horribly depressed. I'm going to bed... For the rest of the day.

(And people wonder why I have trust issues? No more questions, please.)

Hah!!!!

Lines of the night- "You fucked up." and... "Beta bubbles, anyone?" LMAO Lindsey, I missed you so much. Never leave me again, hun.

It's kind of ironic how I found an old friend and had so much fun, on the same night that I drove a cleaver through the last tendrils of friendship with another. I'm tired of being discreet. Fuck it. Why should I even give him something to hide behind? I remember why I dislike jocks, and why I originally figured that no one should trust them. Becuase they're assholes. All of them. Even the ones who you tell your secrets to, use their shoulders for tissues, make laugh when all they want is to die, get corrupted by and have so much fun doing it.

At the moment, I'm unsure of what I feel, but mostly, I think its true, deep, hurting, "If this was anyhting else, I'd find Nick and cry to him," aching, sadness. In fact, I think I may jsut give in and cry, becuase I can't do anything else. One phone call doesn't make this better, Nick. All or nothing? I choose nothing.

You want to know why I wanted to hang out? Hah. You'll probably never know, now. That message was an explanation of the rules of the new game. Basically, you've hurt me time after time, and I'm finally setting up some rules. No more bullshit. I'm not calling, I'm not making plans, I'm not asking you what you're doing, I can do it without you.

I'm hurt, I'm crying, I feel like I'm dying becuase I did this to myself, but it is something that needs to be done.

And I'm angry. Deep-down, boiling, seething, raging anger. If I had a shoe, I'd throw it so hard, your kid would have a dent in his head. I actually tried to kick you where I've never even contemplated kicking any guy in my life. That's how angry I am. Evil-pissed.

Heh... I'm reading over the post below, and I swear to God... If I had three posts in my favorites list, that would be one of them. And you know, msot of them are delegated to the SB the next day, becuase I'm over being pissed, but that one's staying because it's true, it's completely unbelieveably blunt, and it gets out most of the frustration I've had pent up for quite some time. Boo jyah! Every once in a while, I manage to produce a real gem, worthy of the blahness I wrote for a couple months.

You know why it's so good? I wasn't even mad. Well, not on top, anyway. Deep down, I was evil-pissed. You know, that "I'm so pissed, I'm not even showing how dangerously evil I am," angry. And that asshole pissed me off so much tonight, I might be keeping it up just for sheer spite.

Seriously, I've gotten to realize something, now that I'm in college. I don't ahve to play dumb anymore. I really am dumb- in the way that I jsut don't know a lot- but I have the intelligence to learn anything. So now, when someone calls me dumb, I don't get hurt, I get angry. And tonight... The person who I call my best friend, who is making me think that maybe he jsut doesn't deserve that title, or anything that goes along with it, including a personal stalker, was calling me dumb, and jsut being an overall asshole, making sure that -his- best friend knew how "little" I was (in terms of worth-while, attachment, who knows?) . How frieking immature. Even Josh, who loves to crack jokes on how silly I am, was being nice to me. Every once in a while, he has this night of dickhead-ishness, and I just sit and stare at him, thinking, "Wow... is this the same kid who sat with me on the phone for 3 hours the night I found out Jess died? I almsot wish someone gave him a lobotomy, just so he has an excuse."

Asshole.

I have a bitch. Hah... I am a bitch, so it only makes sense, right? heh.

Okay, so... just for the record. I'm sick of being the whiny little kid hanging onto your leg, begging for an ounce of attention. I really don't think this is working for me any longer, pal. Something's got to change.

So, here's what's going to change. I'm going to quit asking you to do anything, any more. I was really looking forward to tonight, simply becuase I ahven't hung out with you in so long. The fact that the person, whom I will refer to in the future of this bitch as "The Bitch" (capitalized for added meaning and it is being used in place of a name), was there, really made me disappointed. In me, in you, in justice of the system. In me, becuase I actually thought I could hang out with someone I thought was my best friend, in you for blowing me off, and in the justice becuase seriously, I try my ass off at anything I do, I try not to piss off people too much, and what do I get? Oh right. I get jack-shit. Not Jack Shit, but jack-shit, one word, that means I get jack-squat nothing besides tons of bull-shit.

You know how I said it was hard for me to hate The Bitch? Well, it's getting easier. Mostly becuase I really hate that I'm jealous of the girl who is fucking you over behind your back. Really, what's to be jealous of? Do you mind if I speak ill of one of your "greats"? And have you ever really noticed how all of your "greats" have cheated on you, lied to you, and done nothing but put you through hell? Hmm... Now, how masochistic are you, truly? Do you really love the whips and chains, or are the handcuffs and fingernails enough?

Not to sound bitter, but to be blunt, I am. I'm sick to death of your bullshit, I'm sick to death of my cowardice, and I'm fucking sick of being jerked around like a dog on a leash.

Pal, I've watched you beat on yourself, then go back and bend over, asking, "Thank you ma'am, may I have another?" No wonder why you couldn't handle me, I didn't have enough control issues. I love you, and you don't even realize. I wish you could love yourself half as much as I do; if you did, you would know what it was like to be happy. Don't be dumb. Pick someone who won't screw you over, jsut so i don't have to watch you fall, walk over and pick you up, pretending to smile so you don't realize it hurts that much. And than go do it again. Just grow a brain, will you? I love you.

lmao! Me and this girl from Chorus were walking back from oh wait... CHORUS!!!, and I was just joking around, pretending to be a hitchhiker. I stick out my thmb when this car goes by and it actually stops!! I was like... OMG! It worked!! So, we went over there, and this kid was ooking at us like we were crazy, so I said, "Oh... So you're not going togive us a ride? That's sad!" nad he was like.. .No, but if you want one, it's no probelm! But seriously... What a coincidence!!! LoL We were wicked laughing, and it was crazy enough to put in here. heh

OH WAIT! And then this other guy, not five minutes later, heads toward us in theparking lot, and doesn't stop, (I'm like, "He's gonna run us down!!") until we get on the sidewalk, and he finally turns and screeches his tires... WEirdness.

lmao! Me and this girl from Chorus were walking back from oh wait... CHORUS!!!, and I was just joking around, pretending to be a hitchhiker. I stick out my thmb when this car goes by and it actually stops!! I was like... OMG! It worked!! So, we went over there, and this kid was ooking at us like we were crazy, so I said, "Oh... So you're not going togive us a ride? That's sad!" nad he was like.. .No, but if you want one, it's no probelm! But seriously... What a coincidence!!! LoL We were wicked laughing, and it was crazy enough to put in here. heh

OH WAIT! And then this other guy, not five minutes later, heads toward us in theparking lot, and doesn't stop, (I'm like, "He's gonna run us down!!") until we get on the sidewalk, and he finally turns and screeches his tires... WEirdness.

"Destroy she said
My love again,
The end will come quickly.
Don't try again to make amends
You will jsut end up sinking.
DEstroy she said
My love again,
Then its not worth keeping."
- Circ, Destroy She Said

Yeah, college has been rough. I really don't like any of the people in my hall, but it's not ebcuase I'm a horrible ogre. Don't laugh, I had actualy doubts about my ability to make frineds. I mean, between the stalker comments that crystal threw around, and my inability to make friends, I was seriously wondering. But... now I have friends and I'm having fun, and college is becoming fun. On its way, but definitely getting closer. And there's been no drinking, partying or anything!! Are you proud of me!?

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a loooong time, but I've been so busy with random crap, and jusst keeping busy so I don't rot in my dorm room, that I haven't had time. Sick, huh? LoL "Ill" said Christine one day "... That's ill." She's a cool shit. In my chemistry class, learning group thingy, what a funny girl. And wicked pretty! She's got hair like I've always wanted- long, straight and black. Gorgeous. heh But then again, it seems like at least 3/4 of everyone here are gorgeous. Guess we know who's the Queen of the Ugly People, huh? LoL *points* Oh yeah... me in the corner!!! heh

On the homefront, SB and I are awesome. I never talk to the girl face-to-face anymore, but we talk on the phone and IM and everyhting. She's so cute, I love her.

More alter, if I eve get abck to it, Crystal's here and we're going out. ADIOS!

Okay, so... yeah. I'm not so sure I like college. I'm having fun and everything, but... *shrugs* I don't really think I like it. Like dave said, I'm not really in my element. It jsut sucks.

I went to a football game for the hometeam last night, and miss being with all the people I haven't seen in so long. Tabbi and Sami, Johnny Walker and everyone. *pout* But, I suppose that's what growing up is all about, eh? And I refuse to make plans with Cat, just becuase I'm al ways sick of being the one who does it. Frell you, pal, frell you.

I'm tired and going to 6 Flags tomorrow, even though half the rides aren't working... WTF, mate, WTF. Eh, whatever. Fuck it. *shrugs*

Okay, so.. This past week has been like... School was okay. Like, nothing real special, but nothing too bad. Just kind of okay. Math class had me in hysterics becuase I thought the guy was going to teach it like an asshole, but it turned out to be okay. I practically starved myself becuase I got so used to not eating much, and my stomach hurt so much all the time, that I forgot about whether it's hunger or stress, so I basically taught myself what the signal for hunger is, all over again, this weekend. But, really... It wasn't so bad, I jsut have to learn how to cope. So... basically, that was school.

Well, WEdnesday, Cheetah bugged Justin to give Crystal my number so I could call him, and so she gave it to me, and so i called thursday night, after coming back from bville, where I spent a few hours with Crystal, and no one was home so then I called him on Fri between classes, and he got back to me. So, I called him this morning, as he told me to call on Friday. Anyway... Sb, me and Seth went out to Panera for lunch, and Rick (cheetah) met us there. I could tell he really wasn't impressed by the company, but eh, whatever. Anyway... he turns out to be turning 26 tomorrow, and it was just kind of striking how much older than me, he is. And kind of troubling. More in SB...

Anyway... It was kind of funny when I brought SB to hockey,and then went out with my bro for coffee and park, then went back, remembered I forgot my sweatshirt, then drove out, waving at Catfish and Jen, who was there for some reason. Then, when I came back, wiht sweatshirt, to see Leite waving at me from his wheelchair in the rink (Definitely went over and gave the kid a huge hug- I was so happy to see him!!). I asked why they were there, and then scanned the ice for Sb, and Jenn was like--Nick's not out there... ANd I was like... Yeah, so? I'm looking for SB. The look on her face.. *laugh*

Cat's gonna kill me about Rick. Heh... He's (rick) coming to the hockey game here at URI on Tuesdya, and so is Crystal, I htink. Heh... Wicked funny. And I think Crystal and Cat are both sleeping over, but I could be wrong about both of them. I'm pretty sure Cat might sleep at home because of school the next day, but eh... whatcha gonna do? LoL Prolly best for him, anyway.

I live in a sauna. The Fayerweather Sauna, to be precise. I'm going to start advertising for my new weightloss program. If you want to lose 15 lbs in 15 days, come to URI! Complete program including hill workouts, exercises in stress and time management, anorexia diets from shitty food, and water loss when you're sleeping .. through the use of 100 degree, 100% humidity all night long!!! Guaranteed to lose at least 15 lbs. in the first month.

Cripes... I feel like someone is sucking my guts out constantly... Maybe I am becoming anorexic. I can't wait to go home and load up on carbs,then puke my guts out becuase I've been eating like a Kenyan all week long.

Heh.. .Bitch bitch bitch, that's all i ever do, right? Well, here's the respite. I am having fun. I had shit to do today, so i had a ton of fun. Hung out with my roommate's stoner friends, then went over to Corey's and Devon's, then ate withthem at Rojo's, then hung out with them. Geez.. Maybe I don't have a life. But, I do have heather's room and crap. fun fun fun!!!

Well, came home yesterday; it was so boring on campus, I was not looking forward to spending another ngiht looking for something to do, wishing I was home so i could call Crystal and have instant plans.

So, Dave brought me home, and he went out with Ala, and I called Crystal and had instant plans. LoL I actually went over to her house with 6 movies options becuase she was still sick, but after one movie, we were both kinda bored, so we headed out to Dunkin and found some guys there who were pretty cool, and frineds of Em's... We hung out for an hour or so, until Em kicked us out, then we all went over to her house and chilled. It was fun... Justin and Cheetah.

Justin acted like he was on speed, so it kinda frieked me out at first, then when we went over to Em's, he chilled out a little, and it was okay. It was funny when he was telling all his stories, Cheetah was busting on him, and we were laughing at both of them. Cheetah is a cool cat... (heh... Pun intended.) Drives a fast car, adrenaline junkie, and works with troubled kids. Beyond that, there's more, but eh, who gives out all the secrets on the first date, right?

Last ngiht made me feel like I never left, and like I never really wanted to leave. I like doing shyt like that, and now I realize why some people never go to college, they jsut stay home. *shrugs* Meh... I'm going to stay in school, I just understand now, where I didn't before.

Aww... So, the first day of college was okay... Not great, but not horrible. Just... okay. For the first thing, me and my roommate have nothing in common so we don't relaly hav eanyhting totalk about, so we sit together and stare at the walls, LoL Sound like fun? Oh, trust me, it is!!!!

Seondly, the afternoon was kinda boring, on that acount, but at night, I hooked up with Dave and we went tothis thing, then found Jenna and watched Thelma and Louise, while everyone came into our rooms and bullshitted with us. It was great. I know more people on other floors than on my own. LoL How screwd up is that?!

But, now I feel like a lsoer becuase I didn't wan tot go partying with my suitemates, who ar eal lgoing out. Eh, fuck it. I'll go some other time. I'm really tired... LoL

Night all.

So... I was goign to put this in my SB, but since we're all good now, it's so frieking hilarious, it deserves to be in here. The "incident" I spoke of in my last post? Okay... well, here's the full story. And the surprise ending.

Okay, so... I talkee to Cat on the phone yesterday, and he told me he was in a car accident, and that he was really sore, and tired, so he was going back to sleep and he would talk to me later. Well... me being me, I decide to be the good little fried that I try to be most of the time, and I decided to bring him his new shirt and a thing of ice cream cake that my mom ahd made for me going away.

So, I get to his house, see a red car that I take to be his bro's, and pull in next to it. I'm like... getting all this shit together to throw down in his room, figuring him to still be asleep n whatever drugs they've given him, and whatnot.

So, I knock on the door because all the lights are on, and no one's around. So... I saw his parent's lights on, and was like, eh, I'm not going to bother them. Creeping down the stairs all quiet like, I slip the door open and start in. Now, Cat has these bookshelves in his room, between the door and his bed, but there's like... foot-wide cracks in between the door and the book case, and between the book case adn his dresser. So... I look i the first case, see him sititng up, and am like, damn! I woke him up! But, keep going, figuring I'm jsut gonna skedaddle so he doesn't get pissy and whatnot. Then, in the second crack, I look again, tring to see whether he's truly awake, or just sleeping on pillows or whatever, and see two people in the bed. Now... what's going through anyone's head when they see two people in a dark room, with the blankets pulled up and the guy doens't ahve a shirt on? Oh wait... Prolly the same thing i was thinking.

So, I kept walking, becuase my brain hadn't quite translated the thought to my feet that I should stop and flee, so... I made it to the opening and looked agian, and they're BOTH watching me!!! So, I finally get my body under controll again, and turn quickly, throw the cake in the fridge, drop the bag on the floor, mutter somehting like... " Cakeinthefridgebagonthefloorbye!" and retreat as swiftly as possibly without cracking ym ehad open on the stairs.

On hte way out, I get in my car, start backing out, and notice that the car that I thought was in fact his bro's, is actually his gf's, and I'm like... Oops? So, I booked. And, after I got done cursing myself for being an ass, I started laughing. You know, that nervous, "Uh, I'm in deeeep shit and I know it, but holy crap that was funny!!!" And I'm laughing so ahrd, I'm crying, and before I know it, a bush had migrated into the front and underneath my car, and I was sititng in the woods, laughing until my ribs hurt and I couldn't breathe. When the urge to laugh passed, I put my car back in drive, wiped off my now soaking wet cheeks, and still chuckling quite loudly, I drove back home. OMG... What a fucking awkward moment. To walk in on two people... Oops...


Now... the good news!!! I'm not in trouble, there was nothing going on, and they laughed jsut as much as I did, becuase it was freiking hilarious. So now... now it's your turn. Laugh it up, big boy... Who else would this happen to?

Okay, so... can I Just say my favorite phrase for tonight is...

FUCKING PEOPLE SUCK!!!

Crystal, beyond the usual, that scene at the beach was priceless- "Those were LEGS I saw!!!" "No way!!!" "Oh yeah... You can bet they were going at it!" "OMG... we should go tap on the window!!" LMAO Fucking hilarious. It was jsut a night for screwing, I guess. *claps a hand over her mouth, trying so hard not to laugh* So... How much trouble am I in? Repeat it to me again? LoL

Okay, so... today started okay, rapidly got better, took a 90 degree u-turn into straight hilarity, then rose rapidly to great fun.

Had a charter -it sucked. The guys were fun, but we only caught 3 fish all day long, and well... I wasn't into it. The people on Monday killed my spirit, I guess. I finished a new book- Stoner and Spaz- Yes, Christine, I actually read the damned book, it's so good!!!! READ IT!!! LoL

After that, the hilarity part is most unexpected, and Oh man... I'm in so much trouble. *starts laughing again...* Thank God I'm not in my car this time... I might crash it for good this time. Yes, I almsot hit my car after that whole... incident. Happy now? See what you make me do? Drive off the road and into bushes!!! ROFLMMFAO!!! Definitely! I haven't had that many letters to my humor in a long time, but this is priceless. Beats all my mischief combined!!

Anyway... After that, went out with Crystal, got beat on for the above-said "incident," (can't wait till a certain someone reads this post... Kind of hope they never do...) and we laughed ourselves sore about it. Again and again. Then... We decided to go see a movie- no movie theatres open, evidently. Stupid theatres. Don't they know there are crazy teenagers on a rebel night, jsut waiitng for something to do? LoL

So... Down to Jamestown- We can sleep in the SAND!!! YAY! No go. Snad was uncomfrotable, and we weren't tired. So... WE could sleep in the boat, but... how are we going to get to it? OH RIGHT! Steal a gas tank!!! Then wake up at 5, to return it and get home! lmao. Great ideas, there... heh

No? Okay then... Newport! But only after we get lost on frieking Beacon Av. Oh, what more can I say than scary narrow, dark, wooded streets were not meant to be driven at 2:30 in the morning. No way...

Onto Newport, where we explored the beach thingy, and had a great time "hunting for pans" in the middle of the road. Evidently, someone decided that they had enough pots and pans to last them, so they would stick them all over the road! So... Me and Crystal decided to go and, what else? Oh wait! Pick them all up!!! So, we're now driving around Newport at all hours of the ngiht with about 10 pieces of cooking ware in her back seat- frying pans, crockpots, muffin tins, stew-pots, anything you need, we got! LoL

Then, we can't find a gas station, and get scared by the cop withthe giant dog, who gets out of his car, not jsut opening his window. And the scary cliffwalk in the middle of the night... STALKERS!!!! Then... Hott guys, anyone? LoL Wicked funny.

Then, home again, to walk around Pascoag and laugh some more about the previous adventures, PAN HUNTING!!!!, then home wiht me and to bed, for 6 am... Woot for packing!! LoL

Sorry about your car getting totalled, Nick, and um... yeah, the other thing. I hope you're in less pain, but do you mind me saying that I'm kind of relieved that you have no way of getting down to URI campus? *sheepish grin* Oops?

I need advice. Unfortunately, I can't figure out which problem I want advice on, because they're all kind of mixed and mingled, and I can't really tell anyone all of it, but I can't jsut tell them a piece of it, becuase then the advice wouldn't really be fitted to the problem. Get my drift? It sucks.

On better news... Yes, better news... Um... I went to breakfast with ala? Lol It was fun. After panera, (Duh, like there was any question!!) we went to cause some trouble at RIC... We actually jsut drove around the campus checking it out, and being really happy that we didn't have to drive there everyday, becuase I would cry. It was so crazy!!! So many people cutting everyone else off, walking around without checking both ways, and no one yelling to anyone else hi, or anything!!! It was so crazy!!! But fun. heh We listened to Good Charlotte almost all the way through, and so many people stopped to stare at us, singing along with the windows down. heh

We bought flowers for the vigil tonight, white carnations. The're so pretty. I want to eat them. *snort* Does that make me... goatish? Or jsut hungry? LoL

The charter today? It was like torture. All I could do was count down the seconds until I could finally get off the boat and away from those horrible people. It was so bad, that at the end, i actually had visions of taking the circle hook with the dead eel hanging from it, hooking the lady through the nose, and then ripping it out, all the while beaitn her over the head with another eel. How satisfying.

I have never bitched about a charter in my life- Never before have i aksed Dad to leave before their time was up, and never before have I ever had to put up with anything like I did, today. There were chemistry problems from the very get-go. They didn't smile, laugh, or do anything that normal people usually do. They refused to talk to me. And anyhting I did? Oh wait... That's not how my dad did it... And therefore it was wrong. And it's not how the charter aptain on the Alaskan Salmon trip did it... And so it was wrong.

I was so fed up by the end of the day, I was crying in the car, as Dad defended them, saying they were joking and "Oh, you can dish it, but you really can't take it, huh?" Screw that. I got beat on every five seconds by Worcester fireman and Boston police, and I laughed, then got them back, and I had a great day. These people were serious. I was so ready to get off that boat, I was ready to swim back to the mainland.

*shakes head* I hate charters... I can't wait for the season to end. I want to cry again.

Well, to catch you up, I've had charters every day it seems. One MOnday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. Whoa! The only days I hung out with friends were a tiny bit on Tuesday ngiht, Thursday and about 1/2 an hour on Friday night. Ugh... complete crap.

But, Thursday was so much fun. Me and Ala went to Panera, and we grabbed bread to throw on people at the stoplights on the way back. Well... I saw this blue truck coming uo behind us, so.. I threw a piece of bread out the window, and hit Nicole Richie in the face as she was hanging out to yell Hi... LoL With Brad driving. *smirk* OMG... So, they cut in front of us, and we threw tennis balls at the truck, and then they drove 15 mph all over the place, and we had a shitload of fun. LoL Then i hung out with Crystal that night at DnD, and Cat was there, and well... it was fun there. Crystal and Emily crack me up. Nick's funny, too.

So, I'm really scared to go to college, and SB keeps trying to make me feel; better, but even so... I'm still nervous. I'm afriad that I'm not going to have my friends when I get back, but I'm really excited that I'm going to have so much freedom. Ugh... I suppose everyone's going through the same thing, but damn... It seems like I'm so busy working, I can't hang out with anyone in the last weeks of summer. I'm so disgusted.

Like, I missed hanging out with Christine becuase I was working, and I never got to go to Joe's going-away party, and what the hell!! I'm so mad... I hate work. It can bite me.

Or, it really could jsut be ADD, becuase I was reading my mom's book on the symptoms and apparent reaction of individuals with ADD, and most of them, in stressful situation, are extremely distractable and random, often getting irritated and/or bitchy. heh. Sound familiar?

Anyway.. I'm exhausted. Hiding it well with cover-up and eyeliner, but really... Exhausted. I had charters Monday and yesterday, worked at the barn Tuesday, and today, I'm jsut chilling out. Going to a hockey game/scrimmage/whatever!! Woot!! I'm excited that I finally get to see Cat in wwhatever this is, and SB's palying too, and so is Scott Connelly! YAY! All people I love to pieces! heh Greatness!

What else? Hmm... Riding is riding, good to have back, good to be loving. I haven't really hung out with anyone except the people at the Campfire Tuesday night for 1/2 an hour, and Ala today for lunch, since Saturday. Oh man.... That';s a long time for lack of civilization... I might start praying to pig heads... *blink* OMG... Reference to Lord of the Flies... Now you know I'm cracking. It's a definite. heh I'm off ot watch TV and possibly sleep a bit before I get no sleep tonight. Luv ya all... Christine, I miss you already, hun. Joe, Have fun pal!! Everyone else... *tear* Need I say more? I've cried more in the past couple days than this whole year.

So, I didn't even want to write, at all. I've got so much pent-up irritation, I'm not sure what I want to do about it. Well, actually, I know what I want to do about it, but it's really hard to do. I've got 2 weeks exactly before i move out, and well... I don't want to kill any friendships before I lose my car, my room, and any pieces that would allow me to revive it. Damn. I hate being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I was talking to Crystal about how I htink my ADD is jsut a self-made physical manifestation of the apparent inability to think, which is actually just a facade for the overuse of analytical thought, after the fact. Oh yeah. I will usually appear to not use my brain for the whole time you're tlaking to me, but in fact, I'm using only a bit of it because I'm recording everything you say for afterward, where I'll go over every single movement, expression, word, tone, inflection, everything, until I get a reasonable conclusion as to why you said what you said, why you were hiding what you were really trying to say, and what, exactly, you were really trying to say. Make sense? Well...

When I get stressed, or put in a stressful situation, the half of my brain actually being used is trying to make up for the other half that is busy recording, and so... I act like a total nut. Nucking futs, huh? heh

Anyway... what was going on last night was that, I was still overanalyzing what had happened on Wednesday, which apparently, the culprit didn't even remember (I was happy for that small reprieve!) , and so... had no idea why I was being such a bitch.

Wednesday, some stuff was said that definitely shouldn't have been, that confused the hell out of me, and pissed me off because it made me feel all confused and sad and whatnot.

Anyway... so what I need to do about it is... *think* See how the blocks fall, talk to the stuff-sayer, and just forget it.

So much easier said than done... heh

Well, there's a lot to catch up on. Over the weekend, the charter's were nil, so.. I had plenty of time to play around!! So... Friday night, Crystal, Nick and I all went out, and drove around until around 3 in the morning. When we all finally got backto where we were sleeping, it was like, 3:30, 4ish and I was so tired, I was dead asleep when my head hit the pillow. (More on that in the SB.. Woot woot!) It was really funny the next morning when Crystal and I attempted to make pancakces with choco chips- they were more like chocolate with a bit of batter stuck in jsut so we could call them pancakes. The whole bag of chips?! Oh hell, why not!?! LoL There was a bit of misunderstanding of chip-pouring, LoL They tasted very... chocolatey, though. heh Oh yeah... It was about 2 in the afternoon, so it wasn't really breakfast, more like slunch, heh

Saturday, I ran around like a maniac tring to get everything done for Sunday, so I never made it to Joe's party... Poop. :( But, I did drive around and have a shitload of fun waiting for Nick and Crystal- "What is this, Gangsta Abby?!" Lmao. Just because I'm listening to some hip-hop/rap, does not make me black, jsut culturally open-minded. Frell off... :)

Sunday, I slept late, and went to birthday parties i the afternoon... Woot woot for lack of plans on Saturday. LoL That woulda sucked big time... heh Then i went to work and it was so boring, me and Chad played pitch for like and hour, while no one was in the store!!! Then his dad was yelling at him becuase he didn't invite me to go swimming or some such nonsense... I get that kid in such trouble with his parental!! lmao Wicked funny!! heh I love Chad... MUAH!

Ummm... Monday? Monday I did nothing. Then iWent to a Hockey game that SB's team lost... :(* << Look!! It's That supermodel with the movable MOLE!!! HAH Cindy Crawford! heh

Uh... Yesterday, I went to Brewed with all the girls, as well as Dave (ala's bf) and Aims and Brian!! I was so excited!!! I hadn't seen them all summer, and all of a sudden, I stopped by their house and they were home!! I felt kinda bad for SB, though.. I dragged her everywhere and made her so uncomfortable... :( Sorry, hun... I love you!!!

You know, I really did have something serious to say on ehre, but this update is long enough, so screw it. Later!! Woot woot! gotta figure out what's happening tonight... Not even sure, LoL

I met my roommate today. She's real nice, but I think Nick was right when he said I'm either going to love to drink, or really hate being in my room. Nick and SB came with me, and I'm pretty sure that they are eternal lifesavers. I was soglad to have them there. Her BF is funny, and she is real pretty. Like, skinny pretty, and we're about as alike in looks, like me and Crystal, except she's brown-haired, heh.

After, the three of us went to Kohl's, and I picked up a cute purse and some new riding socks, becuase all my old ones are getting raggedy. Nick had me in stitches when he put on this particular headband, and was walking around wiht it. Every time I looked at him, I couldn't help but laugh. It felt so good to laugh, different becuase I haven't done it in so long. Well, not really truly, have a good old belly laugh.

Like frieking last night, when I was so tired, and the bad guy tripped over the GODDAMN CHAIR!!! Crystal, OMG... We were so right in laughing about that. Those other people were dumb! heh Wicked funny. Or... "You missed one!!" to the carriage guy - "Abby that was so dick!!" Shit that was funny. LoL I was sooo tired, definitely was not thinking straight, and in that kind of twilight zone everything's jsut great, mood. Funny stuff, funny stuff.

Had my riding lesson yesterday, and I think, for the first time, I'm noticing a difference in my flat work, as well as over the jumps, definitely for the first time, it clicked. When I used to jump, it would jsut click the moment I checked out my course, and from there it was all business. I was getting so frustrated because when I'd jump, I'd know I wasn't doing it right, until yesterday. The very last jump set, it clicked. The approach was good, the timing was perfect, my strides were right, and I got in my half-seat with the crest-release, jsut perfect. And I knew it. Not perfect yet, but a definite 'thereness'. I still got it. And I think yesterday was the first daythat Mel got an inkling of how well I used to ride. And I'm so excited that I may get back to doing it as well as I remember, and just get back to doing it. Yes!!

Thank you so much, SB, for coming to acupuncture with me, I love you to pieces woman! "Hey... what's this?!" "Hah, we can't even figure out the children's book!" LMAO. Sanford had a good laugh over that, heh I love you hun, You are one of my best friends. WOOT!

Hmm... I think that I'm scared, deep-to-the-core terrified of what's not been done yet, what I don't even know has to be done, and what is coming, concerning college. I've always been afraid of the unknown, but this is an unknown that I don't really have a safety net for, or any type of way to... go back. Granted, on most things you can't go back, but I really don't know if this is even what I want to be doing. In my head, it makes perfect sense, but in my heart, I wonder if maybe I should have opted for the military, grown up a bit more before I headed to college. (Wow... Deja vu about that particular sentence.)

I'm really afraid that when I come back, I won't see or talk to any of the awesome people that I am really going to miss, or that I'm going to change that I don't know any of them anymore.

Like, the people that you have good times with and though you're definitely not the best of friends, who will keep in touch, you certainly don't want to lose them. I think I'm hiding it really well, but when I get really tired and just don't have enough energy to control what I'm thinking, to shove it in the background, it flows out. *shrugs* Ehh... I think everyone's feeling the same way, it's jsut something that's been bothering me for a while.

Heh... I threw my name into the pot for a Sorority... *shrugs* What the hell? Why not? LoL I also signed myself up for info on the karate club, so... shoot! It could be fun!

Tomorrow, I'm heading to meet my roommate for lunch. I hope she's nice, and I really hope I'm not going alone!!! AHHH!!! She sounded nice on the phone, and I was a total prat. (New word... kinda funny!) We were both fake laughing, which made me kinda of nervous, but... I think that we'll probably get along well enough. My hair smells like oranges... New conditioner... Yum! I went in the bathroom and was truly stunned hwen it smelled so good, thenremembered that itwas my new conditioner and my hair smelled like it too! WOOT! I was so excited!

Last night, on hte way home from the charter, dad fell asleep while I was driving in a HUGE traffic jam. It was kind of fun, though. I jsut turned up the music and rolled down hte windows and people on either side of the car would go by and talk to me like we were neighbors or something.

The charter? It was sooo much FUN!!! After one day, it felt more like a couple charters had gone by, rather than jsut one. And oooh la la. Three of them were primo! heh But truly, I had so much fun, and I knew what I was doing most of the day, that I was quite pleased with myself! LoL

Nick, I wish I could jsut call you up and talk to you right now... I'm so scared and I don't know why. I really really really feel like I'm going to pieces right now and though I hated you this afternoon, I really wish we could jsut drive around now, like we used to, and just... let it out. But then again, you're so sure of everything and I'm so sure of nothing, so what could we possibly talk about...?

"Have you ever thought about reincarnation?"

Hah... How many thoughts this one question would provoke. What were you in a past life? Were you a forward-thinker or a conventionalist? Were you selfish or selfless? How many lives do you think you had before? Do you even believe in reincarnation? Why? Were you religious in a past life? Did -that- religion believe in reincarnation? If you don't beleive in religion today, why not? Is there anything to religion, beyond symbolism to explain real-world things? Are there really supernatural stuff in this world? How'd the first t get stuck with the sound "tuh"? How was the first grain of sand formed? Are rocks the same here as on outer space? Do you think there are such things as aliens? What are aliens? Would they look like us?
Or... would they merely appear like us? Why would they want to? Why are we here? Is there a point to living? Or... Are we just some -thing's- plaything? Do you think that we have souls? What's a soul? What makes us think and act and behave differently than anyone else? if we all had the exact same chemicals and exact same genes and exact same upbringing, would we all be the same? Do genes account for behavior, or is it learned? Do you think cowboys ever actually saw the stars? Or just fell asleep after a certain age, because they knew they would always be there? If you were an animal in a past life, what do you think you learned from it? Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to change your shape, yet retain your mind? If you were an animal, do you thin something you learned from it helps you in this life? Like King Arthur in the stories of how Merlyn brought him up? Was King Arthur or Robin Hood real? I could go on all day like this, without a pause, because there are so many questions... This took me ten minutes of continuous typing and jsut thinking... Why couldn't I think of anyhting in the 8th grade when Ms. Fracareta tried to key my mind open? Why don't I think of anything personal? Why don't I ever let out what I'm thinking, really? Why can't I just tell Clarissa that I miss Dan so much, I wish I could drive by there and just... stay? Just, never have to go anywhere, but stay with my horse, stay with her day after day, until one of us died, just so I could watch her and play with her, and learn from her, all the wisdom that she gave me, that loving was okay, to open your ehart meant you let in the good as well as the bad? Would she be disappointed in me that I forgot the lesson? Do you think she'd remember me? Do you think she'd ever trust me again for leaving her? Why didn't I stay? Where's Mouser? I miss Mouse. I miss my childhood, and I miss being able to do it all again, because I wouldn't do any of it different. Do you know how mich I miss my horses? I miss my horses becuase for me, they were an age of innocence, of naivety, when everything could be, and would be, alright. That good people did end up winning over bad people, that if you waited your turn, you got the same size snack as someone who pushed for it.

I think, in a past life, I was an indian. Because I believe that they taught their children more of their past and their stories, and I believe that teaching is what we are here for. To live, to teach, to better. There are so many things I wish I could do in life, so many impractical, never to be realized, things. And yet... I wish I could learn how to sail a ship, or just be a deckhand, and know what it feels like to work day in and day out, for the dream of seeing the world. I want to roam the prairies and see the mustang herds unspoiled, unpenned.

And I realized something, that I had lost in what seems so many years ago, that I forgot, even though I was taught it by a source that seems so unlikely. I remember that to live, you must first open your heart, cut loos the strings of fear, and fly- spread your wings, open your mouth and scream, and fly. Just realize that life is there to live, remember what so many have forgotten. Just live; feel the fear, wariness, happiness, joy, sadness, ecstasy,pain- live through it and realize that you are a better person, you have found more, because of it.

I htink I'm most afraid of forgetting these things for good, forgetting to question and trust. Britney, I gave you the first signs of my friendship- true words, and the wisdom of personal experience.

Love Grace, love her with all your ehart, but know that your days are numbered and you cannot keep her, no matter how you love her so. Know that it will hurt, more than a thousand swords, more than stumbling across a glassy field. But know that in the future, you will look back, and remember the good times far more than the bad, and you will have that much more experience under your belt, for decisions in the future.

What have I learned? Beware the user, but trust the ones who deserve it. And live with your heart and head combined together. Believe in the decisions you make, and always make the best of a bad situation. It can only get better.

To me: Please don't forget racing or being saved and watched over, don't ever forget that moment when you knew it would be okay, that it would be okay to trust her with your life, that she would watch over you. And msot of all, remember the hope that ruled your life, let you watch with open eyes and heart, that allowed you to see what others couldn't, or wouldn't. Remember the Mustangs, the Arabs, that silly Scary, the Thoroughbreds and New Forest Pony that taught you so much, and Remember the crazy Warmbloods, Drew and Stan, that made you remember. Remember all of these, and remember a time when the open prairies ruled your heart.

I'm so close to crying, it's like... I jsut should be. Even my nose is stuffy.

Christine wrote such a true, awesome entry, and I know she said everything that I wish I could say, one of the things that has been clogging me up for I don't know how long.

Oh, now I am crying... brb.

What am I going to do without you guys? Seriously, I'm so afraid to go down there, and I'm not even going to NY, or Maine, or Ohio, but jsut staying in RI, and I'm so scared that I won't find friends to joke around with, talk all night, compare boy troubles, and discuss the latest fashion trends-- We did that!?

So, here's the first edition of my list of who you are and why I love you, and by golly, if you don't read this, I'll be so sad...

My four compadres:
To the four special ladies in my life- SB, you are wonderful, my rock in the storm, always the first I turn to whenever I have a crises, or jsut need to cry on... Katie, you are my inspiration to be a stronger person. You push me and pull me and threaten me until I do something new, and find out how much I love it for myself! (Track, etc.) Ala, you are just such a great person, so much life and fun, I won't ever be able to find someone to just be so silly with, and then crash on a couch and watch a movie, eating gobs of Kettle Corn, discussing boys and life... Christine, you are my wishing well - Everything I ever wanted to be, you are. You say what I can't find words to, you push me to try harder and be my best, you are a friend who I know I don't ahve to see everyday to know you're still there, still hanging with me through thick and thin. Good luck in Utica, I'm positive you will have the time of your life. No worries, hun.

The guys:
Jeremy- Hah... didn't think you'd be first, huh? Love/hate is the perfect relationship, becuase without both, you never get enough of each to understand the other so well. And you're the last person on Earth I would have thought I'd be friends with, back in 9th grade... Nick, you are a great guy, someone I never thought I'd grow to love, but there you are!! Just being with you has taught me so much, about life and love and guys, the reason to be yourself and be proud, where would I be without you? Joe, you're just crazy!!! I wish I could be as awesome as you- "Just go up to someone and talk to them!"- You are one of those people who I could sit and listen to all day long, jsut to hear what you have to say. I love it. Chris. You are the original best friend I always wished I had. I've always(since 8th grade) called you the guy I would love to live with, jsut so I wouldn't miss anything, someone who I love to talk to because you always ahve something to say. You're brilliant, opinionated, and you play a guitar! What's hotter than that!!?? No worries, Domini, I'm not after him... :) Matt, again, another I count as a great friend, though one I'm positive I don't get. I've never asked your advice or read your blogger, but jsut by being the mystery I've never been able to solve, never tried to solve, you give me reason to keep trucking. You are my inspiration, a shove to get on with life and be confident in my own abilities. If I hurt you before, I am forever sorry. *smile* Forgive?

The girls:
There are barely any girls who I get along with, who aren't compadres. Crystal, you are a very special person, one of those who I'm never sure whether to laugh at or flip off. talking to you about anything, is so much fun. You always seem to know exactly what to do, and your insights are supreme. Lindsey- Wow. I really wish I could know exactly what to say at the right time, how to be silly and talk really loud without sounding dumb, how to get you to hang with me before we get thrown apart. How's potato soup sound? Broccoli cheddar for me, thanks... Naomi... What can i say? I've never seen your face, but I still call you one of my oldest friends. Beneath sarcasm and biting wit, lies a heart of gold and a brain to express what you're feeling. Without your advice, I surely would have floundered and sunk long ago, and without your heartfelt stories, I would've been denied the pleasure of falling under a true artist's masterful retelling of real-life events. I hope you stay true to your heart, no matter what happens.

There are so many countless others, the Smithfield crew, The Lemmings, the Everday Crowd. To all of you, I'm with you and I miss you and I hope you know I'm always here for you, honest and simple.

So, I'm off to URI, and I hope these few sentences can show all of you the barest scratch of my feelings toward you.

I'm sorry I've been so confused in the past, for being a ditzy blonde when I needed to be strong, for forgetting to call when I said I would. I'm glad I could help you in your hour of need, I hope I wasn't too honest, and I hope that all of you, every single one of you, remembers how much fun it was to raise holy Hell, cause a shitload of mischief, drive fast on mountaindale, race boys in cars and win, eat tons of kettle corn, laugh until our ribs hurt, find an excuse for cinnamon crunch bagels, cruise around talking until 2 am, paint cars, freeze our asses off in a moving Ice Box, walk around town at midnight, drive around Pawtucket picking up random kids, dress up in holey dresses, spar until you're exhausted, and just have random fits of insanity.

God, I'm going to miss you all. I hope I never forget. Anything.

Insert loud, tired, aggravated, stressed, cranky, bitchy, pissed, and exasperated sigh, right here.

To tell you the truth, I feel like I'm writing fluff, like I can't say what's on my mind in here anymore, becuase I'm too busy, I've got too much going on at once, I'm too tired, I'm rushing, I'm worried about what someone may think, or some other bull.

And BTW... Just for the record, Closing Time is by Semi Sonic- thanks Naomi.

What Crystal said, it rings a bell of truth in my head, whether it's true or not, it's a definite possible scenario.

Jeremy, you are right, he is an ass. But, really, aren't you and I, also? When I say that you both remind me of the other, it's not becuase one of you possesses a quality the other doesn't- it's becuase you're the frieking SAME!!!! So, quit with the bullshit, hear what I'm saying, and just take it how you like! I'm so sick of people hearing me, and not -hearing- me. Just keep talking, over, under, all over, me. I'm not a rug, I don't ahve a kick me sign, FUCK OFF!!

Also, I defend him becuase he's my friend. Because I do care about him and I do care what you say about him. I defend him jsut the same way I defend you. I know your flaws, I accept them because, overall, you are a good person. And so is he. You're jsut going to have to accept my decision, and butt out.

And Nick, I understand your worry for your dad. I understand, and I respect it. But I'm going to ask about the war, because it's something that I need to know about. And I don't feel I should ahve to explain myself mroe than that, becuase well... I don't exactly know why. It's just something that I know. I left the message on the machine at least a couple weeks ago, and when I got no response, I wasn't really surprised, and was content to let it go. I didn't mention it to you, becuase I didn't really want you to know, until I'd gotten permission from your dad, to proceed. And now that I got it, I told you because I wanted your help in phrasing things so that they won't offend him, not your outright negativity to my objective. And if you won't help, then I'll be forced to stumble on my own, and just hope that I don't fall into a minefield.

Also, I don't know why I'm being so cranky these days, it's something I go through every once in a while, when I'm tired and stressed and have no place to turn to. I'd even lost my blogger for a while, because I was too afraid of what people would think, to write what I really thought.

I even hid the wink story- and the fact that I'm scared shitless to go to college, even though I'm sure everyone else is, too... I hide random things like how me and my mom went picture taking tonight, and I loved how she has such an eyes for scenes, patience to capture them, whereas I jump into things and leap jsut as quickly back. *smile* I love my mom, I hope she still knows it.

I swear, I had an enlightenment over the past few weeks. And this outdoor shower, that I've been raving to everyone about, is perfect for it. It gives me an excuse to run around in a towel, to flaunt the fact that yeah, I do have a will of my own, I'm not just a doll to be thrown around, I am in control of my life. After every shower, I feel so... rejuvenated- body and mind. I can't help but smile, because I feel so good.

So, why am I so depressed...

Maybe I just need better drugs. (just kidding...)

I went off on Cat last night. I swear to God, I'm getting worse and worse about stress. After what Jeremy said and I had to admit to, I'm so... wary. Because, really, it's true. When you go out with a guy, or you like him, you overlook shyt that after the glow has worn off, you find annoying, or even pisses you off to no end. And honestly, I was real honest and observant after I realize what a dick Joe was, so... I saw what I was getting into, and probably, against my better judgement, I still decided to jump in with both feet. And Jeremy, that was dick, making me confront what I knew to be true, and yet still aggravating me to the point where I couldn't stop thinking about it.

So, I said some rather nasty crap about Jen, and I feel like such a complete and total bitch, which I knew I would becuase I don't talk smack becuase I have an overactive conscience. Even if I'm thinking something, I don't say it aloud- becuase it will come back and bite you in the ass, but also becuase I disagree with the whole business. Anyway, what I said. I just told him that Crystal said she was yanking him back not necessarily becuase she liked him, but because he needed a jerk to keep him in check- if she couldn't have him, no one would. I have no idea whether it's true or not, but... I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

And now that he reads this, I have one other personality to edit stuff for. Woot. It's so much easier when no one reads this, or I don't know if anyone reads this and I don't have to worry about sensitive souls. eh, most of the time, I don't care. But hurtful stuff? Raging stuff? That needs to be edited- heat of the moment stuff doesn't really count.

Anyway... I'm thinking of taking up a separate job, involving Stan, one of the hroses at the barn. His owner is an absolute sadist, and a stupid bitch to boot. And if you think I'm kidding, you've got to meet this lady- Fucking Bitch. (hah... and I don't talk smack, right?) Anyway... Her horse's feet are shot, because she didn't take care of them, and becuase of the added strain of his hooves hurting him, he pulled his suspensory tendon, which puts him out of commission for riding, for a month. So, she's hiring someone to walk him for 20 minutes a day, because that's all he can do. And I think I'm going to take the job becuase this horse is awesome and I love him to pieces- but then again, I'm really really afraid I'm going to be crushed when she ruins him again... And I don't need that shyt before college. Help?

Ever been in a particular mood, sorta melancholy, sorta happy, jsut kind of mixed and matched everywhere, not really knowing what to do, or who you want to talk to? So, you throw on the music list and see what catches your eye, which songs would make you feel a bit more normal? Well, I am jsut writing to say that I've finally hit the perfect list for this particular moment, and honestly, if I wasn't writing this, I would jsut be lying on the couch listening to this particular mix, probably singing along, horribly off-key and not knowing half the words. What a great time I'm having!!!

Here's the list, if you ever get in this kind of a funk, and jsut need to chill out.

Sister hazel- Your Winter
Tracy Chapman- Fast Car
Avril lavigne- Anything but Ordinary
Incubus- Warning
Circ- Destroy She said
Dashboard Conressional- Hands Down
Cyndi Lauper- She Bop
Greenday(?)-Closing Time
Pardon Me- Incubus
LeeAnn Rymes- Right Kind of Wrong
Loreena McKennit- Mummer's Dance
Portis Head- Glorybox
Queen- The Show Must Go On
Pretenders- Stand by You
Sheryl Crow- Steve McQueen
Stroke 9- Little Black Backpack

A little old, a little new, something fast, something slow, soft and sinuous, loud and hard, one of the best lists I've found, yet. *jams out to Queen, again*

Sometimes, you can jsut feel what they're saying, you know exactly how they feel, why they sing what they sing. Music is a release, it tells the story you can't put words to, gives you a soaring voice to scream out your fury and ecstasy. Music gives you the key to limits you never knew were there, opening the door to whatever's outside the box. Fly, and never look back.

Hah... I brought Chris ice cream today, to make him feel better from his accident. I hope he likes it... LoL I kind of wanted the one he took, but whatever! My second good deed for the day, right? Right! Ooh.. I gtg pretty soon. I'm kinda tired.


Anyway... the trips were okay, but let me tell you, don't even tell me that fishing is a lazy event. Jesus... I was so tired by the end of yesterday, me and Dad both, we left the boat semi-clean, everything in the car, I didn't get to take a shower because it was broken, and went to bed dirty. Yum, right? Well... Let me jsut tell you. If you'd been as tired as I was, you wouldn't have any comments for me. Granted, I ripped out one of the rod holders while we were backing into the slip becuase I didn't know to take it in- Seriously, who uses the piers to maneuver the boat!? Evidently everyone, but that's beside the point.

I got good pictures, you could check them out if you really wanted to - http://www.seayacharters.com/past.html I never thought I would say a shark was cute, but that mako? OMG... He was so small, he was cute. In fact, he was so small, we cut him loose and sent him back to get bigger. LoL

So... I had a revelation in Sanford's Room of Reflection. Naomi recently reminded me of it, unintentionally.

Nick and I had a conversation and one of the things that came up, was the fact that when he first met me, he thought I was shallow and didn't really have any... intelligence, but now that he knows me better, he's found out that I'm actually quite funny, and I "have depth." Meaning, when he first met me, he thought I was completely brainless, but now I've shown that I can work on different levels- and he's completely astounded at how silly I am, considering how serious I was the first couple of times we hung out- Didn't I say how much I hated being serious?

Anyway... I was talking to Sanford about why I couldn't be a vet- because I couldn't stand to send back an animal that would only suffer more becuase its humans are idiots- and he sadi that pediatrics wouldn't be a good place for me either. Now, I understood exactly the implications of what he meant, so I joked about, saying how I don't like kids, that's why I couldn't go into prdiatrics. So, I was a bit shocked when he looked so serious and told me that yes, that too, but also because of abusive parents.

So, I've come to the conclusion- most people jsut don't udnerstand that, for the most part, I do get their implications, and if I ask a blatantly obvious question, beyond me being blonde in which case it shouldn't be answered anyway, I'm usually jsut asking to verify my original thoughts on the matter. So... Frell off. *snort*

And also... I'm off to bed. Night.

Want to hear something sick? I'm not sure whether to laugh, cry, or jsut fall down asleep right now. Laughing would be completely inappropriate, considering the sircumstances, but crying just seems so... final. falling asleep, well, I think I may do that no matter what I choose.

So, yeah... I girl I knew died today, the 6th this year from B-ville. Holy shit. That's averaging out to just less than 1 a month. I've known her all my life!!! I sat with her on the bus for 3 years!! My God, how do you respond when someone tells you something like that? Well, evidently, my mom thought the best place to tell me was at work, while I had someone in front of me... Talk about a freeze-button. And then!!! And then!!! She goes outside with Chad's dad and while we're locking up, starts talking about the accident with Josh and JR. Like I want to hear that bullshit... *shake*

Like I said, I'm really really shook up, and I can't think of anyhting except sleeping, but at the same time, i feel guilty because I can't think of anything else.

 
I have a world on my shoulders,
It's sneaking up on me.
Pounce!

It's got me.

Pushing,
Pulling,
suffocating me.

For all that I do,
It won't weigh less,
How do I stop?

Well, first off, my arm hurts like a bugger! I had a damned sand shark come up and pinch me with his rear dorsal fin spine. So now my arm has this huge bump on it, with a tiny little red mark in the center where he actually broke the skin by pinching me. Brat. I suppose I deserved it though, as I threw him in the cooler with the bluefish, to send home with the charter. *shrugs* Whatever. My parents are all worried, becuase it's a huge bump, and it really does hurt, but eh... I don't know why it'd be acting all funny like this, I suppose Dad prolly had it right when he said i was having an allergic reaction to something on the shark, or whatever. No biggie, right? heh

">

LoL - I'm watching Jaws, and all I can think about is yesterday, one of the guys was yelling out, "Hoopah!!! A little to the left, Hoopah!!!" LMAO I was cracking up yesterday and today, it's jsut crazy! Lol

Now that we've moved to the new marina, I'm not sure about being there. I mean, there're so many charter-boats there, and I'm pretty sure that I'm being looked upon like I can't do it. I mean, yesterday, a couple of boats down, the mate on that boat, all dressed in his yellow booties and raincoat and whatnot, was talking and I heard... "That girl," so I looked up and they were pointing and laughing. It really bugged me, but I smiled and waved, and that at least shut them up from talking too loud. But really, I got so many weird looks (of course, that could ahve been because I was dressed in guy's jeans with a yellow tank top, all of which was soaking wet, and I had my curls completely partying around my head... Hott, I know. *grin*) it was kind of alarming me. I was afraid they were going to try to throw a raincoat on me and tell me to start filleting. I hate raincoats. I don't understand how those guys can stand them all day long. Me? I'm good in shorts or jeans and a t-shirt. Frell boots. *smile*

Heh... Why I was wet? Well... It was pretty rough out, 5-6 foot chop, not too bad until you had to back up into the waves to free the props from a lobster pot gotten wrapped about. *snort* I hate it when things go bad. But anyway... So, there were about 4, me and 3 of the guys, who got completely drenched, from head to foot dripping wet. We looked like wet rats.

But anyway... so, the new marina is okay, i wasn't so sure about the posts as tying rods, but they aren't so bad and I love being in a slip. Moorings can kiss my ass. And beyond that, it was okay. But damn! The Klondikes are expensive!! I'm not sure how I can afford dessert! Lol And no heath ones, anyway... What's up with that!?

Yup... That's about it. *blink* Ala and I decorated cars so well on Thursday, whenI saw Juice's car Friday, I nearly cracked up, it was such a good job!! And Cat? Eh, well... he's a grump. Whatever! LoL

So... Hah... I really have nothing to write about. I tried to write about my weekend like... 3 times last ngiht, but I got booted every time, so I give up.
I went clubbing, I went to Tent City, I watched My Cousin Vinny. *shrugs* That's the highlights. LoL

Okay... Fear Factor is crazy. I'm going to read my book. PS... Rain will not die, and I'm going to talk to Naomi about what to do about last night. *shakes head* I'm so perturbed. I really am. How pathetic is that!? *laughs*

Okay... So... Not looking at dicks... Sb, I frieking Love you. Ala, you are my wuver-girl!! MUAH! to you both! LMAO! We be sluts... (just kidding for anyone who doesn't know I'm the 2nd most innocent good-girl ever- with the exception of Christine.*kiss* Luv ya girl!)

Dude... These quizzes can bite me.

So, can I jsut say that going to that website, along with hte fact that I have nothing to do before 11, except run, is making me read and play with everything? heh And it's fun! LoL So... Here's my fun quiz, and... an article I read, and relaly, this will jsut be a running post for anyhting I think interesting. *wink, wink, nudge nudge* Duh boys.
 

http://www.kwiz.biz/showquiz.php?quizid=19" method="post">

Nerd-O-Meter
Username/Nick
Nerd-O-Meter - 7%
This QuickKwiz by Confused_Pete - Taken 70972 Times.

New - Help with love and dating!

 
A Very True Article Most of Us Never Get
 



You want the best guy out there? by Brian.

OK, Ladies... Here's a major one to get the best guys out there: The best of the best are even more shy than you are. Why? Because YOU are so important to them that they are afraid to do anything that will either a) hurt you or b) make them look like a complete idiot in front of you. (Better to be silent and thought a fool...)So here's what you do: Select your guy. Now forget about him and find one of the ones who you think of "like a brother." Yup, the one you "wouldn't want to ruin your friendship by dating." Yeah, the one who already knows your deepest, darkest secrets and goes out of his way to do things for you and with you. Things you like.Ok. Now here's the kicker.Ready? ASK HIM OUT! Watch him blush, stumble over his words, and grin like a ninny. Congrats. You've just landed the rare "nice guy" you never thought existed.
 
*smirk* Um...?
 

http://www.kwiz.biz/showquiz.php?quizid=2123" method="post">

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:	MaleFemale
Sexuality:	StraightGayBisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 27%
Kissing Skill Level - 13%
Cudding Skill Level - 13%
Sex Skill Level - 59%
Why They Love You	You are too sexy for words.
Why They Hate You	You take more than you give.
This fun quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 287932 Times.

New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology

 
Oh MY GOD!!!! I'm going to be chased up a fence by that man-eating EGGPLANT!?!?!
 

http://www.kwiz.biz/showquiz.php?quizid=68" method="post">

What do you dream about?
Name/Nickname:
Age:
Zodiac Sign:	AquariusAriesCancerCapricornGeminiLeoLibraPiscesSagittariusScorpioTaurusVirgo
Fav. Color Combo:	Blue/SilverBlack/WhiteGrey/RedGreen/GoldPink/BlackPurple/BlackBlue/OrangeBlack/RedMix and match theseNone of these
Your dreams generally include:	Running in search of something
Approximate number of monthly nightmares:	74
The worst monster you've seen in a dream:
Your dreams are usually	surreal
Percentage of dreams involving sex - 70%
Will your dreams ever come true?	(8) - Yes. - (8)
This fun quiz by cutelilangelx - Taken 208281 Times.

New - Dating Advice written by YOU!