I'm pushy. Very pushy. But only when I'm not getting my way... At least I recognize and understand this... I remember someone laughed at me, maybe it was me!, when I said that. It doesnt matter if you recognize or understand something if you don't take action about it after that. haha

And I don't understand boy stupidity, so therefore I cannot use it to my advantage. lmao This is the definition of boy-stupid, I've decided. And that, my frineds, is exactly what I am. Boy-stupid.

Actually... I really don't wanna be a manipulative girl. I just wanna... get my way. Sometimes. Shut me down all the time, and pretty soon I'm going to get pushy about everything. *narrows eyes* Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I know I am. but he doesn't get it if you play it cold! WTF! I can't WIN!

Yeah yeah, it's not about winning. Fuck that shit. everything's about winning. Whether you're triyng for good grades, scaring girls away, running a track meet, or trying to get your way, it's all about fucking winning. That's what life is. Fuck love, who needs it? It's jsut lust in disguise.

Man... I've become the cold, cynical bitch, haven't I? Am i proud? Mmm.. .All I see is this massive vicious circle that comes back to bite me in the ass. Inevitably. But I think that's the nature of life itself. Damned life. Lol

Isn't this tone so different from the optimistic little vixen who started this ridiculous thing what? 4 years ago? OMG... 4 years this September. Weird. Very weird. But then again, I hadn't quite been as world-worn as I am now, as non-trusting and yet trusting too easily, yet. What a naive little sucker I am, was, always will be.

I'm not doing homework. I -really- should be. And I know it. I just... don't want to. I'd rather play with bleach in toilet bowls than do homework. Sick, huh?

I'm not really this cynical. I just... I hate it when people point out my faults to me, and I know they're telling the truth. It really bugs me. I think it would bug anyone, but it -really- bugs me. It's not like I think I don't have faults, it's just... I really hate it when people shove them in my face- it's like shoving my face in the mess I made.

And ultimatums- what is that?? Fuck you! I think I know where this is going. Nowhere good. And you know what? Damn. LoL

I'll keep calling to see.
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming?
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?

I only want you to see,
my favorite part of me.
And not my ugly side.
Not my ugly side.

Blue October.

I think this may be my new band. I wish you were around so I could show you my find. *Grins* But I think you're done. Once and for all? Forever? I hope not. I check in every once in a while, hoping to find you there under some name I don't recognize, that you'll IM me and shush me, laugh as I say and do ridiculous things. I kinda miss ya, not going to lie.

My brother has been gone for more than 6 weeks. I haven't seen one of my pals for 6 WEEKS. How does that happen? I miss him. I think my parents are simultaneously glad and really really unhappy that he's been gone this long. Glad because they know he's learning how to deal with things when they don't go exactly the way he wants, but really unhappy because he hasn't been home. That song, Hate Me, by Blue October, is... I really like it. I didn't really understand why, until I heard the very beginning of it- the part that the radio cuts off, and I realized that it's about an addict's mom. And I realized that this is the attitude we all carry around. Every one of us.

I jsut keep downloading songs by them, realizing that I haven't hit one yet that I didn't love. Maybe Closer whatever, but... 1 out of 5? Not bad. LoL Considering that I've never heard of this band.

I get the idea that he was trying to impress me. Or just... get a reaction from me. And this occured to me when he said he did it because he was bored. And I think that's pathetic. I was concerned at first, but then I realized that... it's dumb. It's retarded. Alright, you have a problem, but what are you doing to solve it? You are an ass. A sorry ass. Though I have to admit, joking around was kind of nice the other day. A glad change of pace from the quiet hostility and tension.

April Fool's Was good. I haven't updated in a while, so here goes: I put crickets in cookies- they turned out horrible. I have never hated baking so much as I hated that, because the cookies ven -smelled- bad. But I think that's because I went overboard with the crickets. 5 or 6 prolly woulda been better. haha Instead of... 50. 49 withthe one that turned up in my rice crispy treat... lmao

But I did paint Josh's car- WITH HIM SUPERVISING!!! I think that was an April Fools' joke on me, hahah And Matt. Lmao "You're still alive??" "Yeah, he helped!" "*Gape, swivels from josh to me* And she's still ALIVE??" lmao hilarious, haha

Party this Friday!! Then only 5 more days until I'm 20! Eep! I'm not old enough to be 20! In time, maybe, but mind? Oh no... Oh no. Oy... I should go study for Orgo. But I'm prolly not going to. LoL Fuck it. I enjoy writing, and I haven't in a while.

My car is dying again. And I don't have time to put it in the garage before Thrusday, when, AMAZINGLY!!, it is going in the shop. But in between, I have to drive to Prov, then up to BVille, Oy. I hope I'm not stranded on the highway at 10 Pm, Lmao That would suck. haha

Andrew slept over last night because he was threatening toget drunk at 3 pm, and I decided to curtail that idea with brownie sundaes and good company. haha Though the night ended up pretty lame, with me studying and then us watching TV, haha

I have to fart. There we go... LoL

I need to get a cooler for Friday. So we can put all the stuff in it. Hmm... I need to remember that on Thursday- NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! But we'll try like hell.

Things are better now. My grades are picking up. Depression really plays a huge part in how well I do in school. Because it really plays a huge part in how much energy i have, and therfore how much I study. Matt's ideas on keeping up with readings helped, too. Though I'm falling behind again, thank you Orgo. This weekend will be a study weekend, LoL Yay BioChem. Haha... Not...

Boys make me sick. Physically ill. LoL I don't know why I let shit get to me the way that it does. It's RIDICULOUS! LoL

I looked like such a health freak walking through the supermarket today. I had 4 items: Granola, cottage cheese, broccoli, and low-fat milk. haha And the weird thing is? I'm not. I just absolutely LOVE granola in cottage cheese, can't live without milk, and I won't have time to get broccoli for dinner tomorrow. But these two cute guys went by, checked out my armload, and smirked to each other. I pulled my shoulders back, smiled sweetly, and kept walking. I'll bet you didn't know I made brownie sundaes last ngiht and enjoyed every bite of it. haha I love being multi-dimensional. I love tricking people, I love making up conversations in my head and being silly like that.

I got a 96 in BUGS! Sweeeet! hehe

My aloe plant is looking well, as is my varigated (sp?) spider plant... Besides the fact that I have to take off one more leaf so it will look better. I love my plants. And music. Music, plants, and brainfood. I love them all. Oh, and regular food. I htink those 4 things, plus horses. Those 5 things could give me a good life. haha

Note to self:
http://musclemustangfastfords.com/hotnews/mmfp_0603_massachusetts_exhaust_bill/

check out.