I'M GOING TO REGIONALS!!! WHOOO HOOO!!!! I got second in my class today, and I'm definitely going to FRIEKING REGIONALS!!! Hot damn!!!

Boys won the first game of finals, 6-2. I'm so excited. They played really well, and deserved to win it. I can only hope they do as well in the next two. God, please, let them win.

Brother
Beautiful, awesome
Twirling, talking, driving
Better half, inspiration, adversary, Mr. Hyde
Fighting, screaming, crying
Hateful, cruel
Drugs

I miss my bro. He's gone again, back to that person I hate, hate with all my heart, wish I could jump on and rip apart, find my brother hiding underneath, find him with his huge blue eyes and huge smile, running to pick me up and tiwlr me around when I come home on weekends... Not yell at me when I won't pick him up to skip school, or say I hate you because I told mom that eric drove him home drunk one night. I miss him so much, and I can't do anything about it. Nothing. Except cry about it when no one's around, be a drag on my friends when they take me out and all I can think about it how he looked at me like he wanted to kill me earlier, write about it in my journal.

Whoever said that drugs make you a better person is an idiot. They make you cruel and vicious, they hurt everyone around, they make the people who love you beyond measure never want to see you for fear they might jump on you and demand to talk to the kid hiding somewhere... Somewhere...

Where are you?

Are you in there? Behind the hate-filled eyes, the snarling mouth? Are you still there, my little brother who wore seashells on his head?

I miss you.

Please come back.

I went running today! With Lindsey! it was fun. We got to steal stuff (from a friend who will be left unnamed... And actually, I think her's her bf's stuff we stole- oops!), get interrogated by cops who thought we should be in school (hah... silly cops and their blinky lights!), and get yelled at for doing abs exercises in the park ("PILATES!!!! They're doing PILATES!!!" No shit, Sherlock, really?! LMAO). Good times. I missed the utter randomness of Bville... When you're not being utterly bored, and your frineds are your frinesd, it's such a cool place, for jsut... doing utterly useless, silly things. Wreaking havoc in a completely harmless way. Just... having fun the way fun should be had. What a great place.

"Angel, let me help you with your wings..." - Nickel Creek (Still one of my absolute favorite bands, thank you Catfish and Crystal, you country-singing crazies.)

I wore shorts today, because it's like... 60 out. I am so sick of pants, I'm shaving again, so my legs are smooth and pale, but smooth. When the sun hit them, I felt like I wanted to lay in that park all day long, opposite one of my best friends, just soaking up the sun, exercising, and just... doing nothing, really. It was an utter happy moment. I hope I have a lot of those this summer. A LOT.

"And all of a sudden, going fishing wasn't such an imposition." -Tim McGraw (Another shoutout to my country-singing crazies- see how my playlist goes, these days? *shakes head* Ugh... I cannot beleive I got dragged into this insanity.) "Sky-diving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu."- Still Tim McGraw

Live like you're dying? Damn it, I do.

I have the most wonderful idea. It's so simple, so utterly simple, it seems unreal. Of course, by the time I could possibly use it, I will have forgotten it, but right now it seems... perfect.

I always imagined running or walking as a ways of getting somewhere, or getting somewhere so you can do soemthing. But, what if you jsut walked, for no other reason than to just... go. Doesn't matter where, jsut go, and walk and run, and when you get tired, sit by the side of the road, take a sip from your water, lay back and watch the clouds, and get back up and start walking when you're not tired anymore. Doesn't that sound wonderful? Just simply the most awesome idea ever?

It was so hard to think of it. Not the walking part, that was easy, jsut the whole general idea of walking to go nowhere, with no goal in mind, without any clue, purpose or idea. I mean, what do you do when you get tired? Do you jsut... sit there? What happens when you get bored? Bring a book? But there goes the simplicity of it, because then you need a bag to carry the book.

Part of the main reason why my walks ahve never brought me anything but pain is... I always want to go somewhere else, but I can never get far enough to get out of range of what I know. Because I have to come backto home base, and then when I start over, it's jsut that much more walking to get beyond where i walked the day before, except now my legs hurt from pushing myself to walk -that- far. And that is the whole reason why I never get anywhere. Because I always ahve to return. So... what would happen if I jsut... stopped by the side of the road when I got tired, and watched the clouds, or just sat there? Then got up and walked again. I would get somewhere.

What a thought. What an absolutely genius thought.
Wonderful. Perfect.

I miss my friends. I feel like I don't have any left... What with being out of state, in school, or with a boy/girlfriend, I am so utterly left out. I hate having nothing to do, it drives me up the WALL!! I get so bored, and finally resort to jsut sleeping or something equally useless and unneeded. I could take a hike, but it would be so much more fun with Crystal and the two dogs, jsut talking about nothing like we used to do. Or driving around taking pictures with Lindsey (and Crystal, heh), or just... driving and talking with Cat. Hell, playing volleyball at a get-together at Carolyn's house, laughin with people I'm not sure like me, if better than staying home alone for 6 hours at a time. I can only take the dogs for so many walks before we all start to hurt.

Can I jsut say that I really miss my friends? SB, where'd you go? It seems like you got sucked under by all the glam BS that high school seems to deem fashionable. I miss you, girl. Ala, you're busy, another one with a boytoy and a busy schedule. But, jsut so you know, I miss you, too. And the crazy, crazy ideas you come up with. I really jsut miss everyone who I used to count on and lean on and listen to and laugh at and cause tons of mischief with or on, because I feel like you all jsut... went away, leaving me to choke in your dust. I'm probably being wicked melodramatic, and you probably feel the same way, because I hardly speak to you when I'm away, but I hope this summer is different than it was over vacation. If I have to fill my time with the barn and boat and Lil G, I hope I get to see you in equal amounts... Or it's going to be unbearable... Just the thought brings me to tears. What happened? Or maybe nothing happened, and we're all just... different. I miss you guys, all of you. But high school's over, I know. Meh... it's okay. I just... I jsut got overwhelmed by an urge to reach out and hug you, but you're not here.

I hope you come back, at least to wave goodbye...

Okay... now the tears are pouring. Dumb sentimental fool. Say it. I know you want to.