I know this is awful to write around Christmas, but I really wish people would just leave me alone. I'm tired, sore, grouchy as hell, and just... want to be left alone.

"Do I have free will or destiny? Free will or destiny??"
"You have free will moving toward or in the direction of a purpose."
- The Answer Man

My bro just told me about his day... It's horrifying. Anything that can rattle my brother like this, I'm sure I would be a mess over.

the craziest shit of my life happened today
my life/memory is scarred for life after the shit i witnessed today
me: lalliermunroe.bravehost.com
What'd you witness??
Seth: we got rocketed today, sustained 3 casualties and 10 injuries as it landed in the living areas
me: Oh shit. Are you okay??
Here I am thinking you're just fucking around...
Seth: im part or the immediate response medical team to patch up the wounded, and when we arrived on scene, o my god, the most horrific scene that movies dont even depict is what i winessed
Seth: person with both legs blown off, 2 severely fucking burned, i got to one guy who got peppered so bad with shrapnel that it looked like he took 4 shots of buskshot with a shotti
one female caught shrapnel in the neck and was squirting blood everywhere, crazy, BLOOD CURDLING screaming just massive chaos
Seth: u have no idea, i left there, my uniform was soaked with blood. im bout to fuckin cry im so pissed right now
i just wanna kill every fucking hajji i see around here
me: Seth, just... breathe.
Seth: im sorry
me: Don't be.
Don't ever be sorry for feeling.
Seth: u didnt neded to know all that at all, im sorry abby, its just, i need to talk to someone i can trust ya know
me: I just... I don't know what to say, if there's anything I can say to make you feel any better.
So... Breathe, sounded like the best answer.

Hero of War by Rise Against

He said, “Son,
Have you see the world?
Well, what would you say
If I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you’ll even get paid.”
I said, “That sounds pretty good.”

Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight

A hero of war
Yeah that’s what I’ll be
And when I come home
They’ll be damn proud of me
I’ll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it’s flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends

They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again

A hero of war
Yeah that’s what I’ll be
And when I come home
They’ll be damn proud of me
I’ll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it’s flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away

The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow

A hero of war
Is that what the see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it’s a flag that I love
It’s the only flag I trust

He said, “Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say,
if I said that you could?”


I am patriotic. I believe in the idea of this war, but I'm definitely -against- war.

I just found out I probably need surgery on my knee because that last time, running with Seth, I really messed it up. I feel... unhealthy. Old. Depressed. I feel very weak and falling apart and just... disgusted and sad.

I think I would have been fine had my ankle not decided to lose the medial suspensory ligament about 5 hours after I was told that.

God, I'm so tired, and so so disgusted with the shit that's gone down- when are my legs going to work right?? Is it too late? Am I doomed to just keep hurting myself in rxn to the stuff that's already hurt? Am I going to weigh 400 lbs. by the time I'm okay to move?? Christ. I'm so so tired.

I'm scheeeeeeminggggggg... Again. But oh, oh oh it might even work out. Maybe.

I hate it when people tell you something just because they think it's what they think you want to hear. Very few things go up my butt quite like that. I told my mom to quit saying she will go to my lessons. I understand she doesn't want to go and that's fine. Just to stop saying she wants to and will, because then I hope she will. Even though I know she won't. But every time, I hope, and then when she doesn't, my feelings get hurt. So... Easy way out: Just say no.

I don't think she enjoyed that. But I need her to stop saying yeah yeah yeah because... my feelings get hurt. And I don't want riding to be a cause for hurt feelings because I know she only wants to make me happy.

I love to think, I love to speak deliberately, I love to be with people who are better at what we're doing than I am. I love to be challenged, and I love rising to it. I miss Matt's wit, style, silly, insane intelligence. I think I've come across someone very similar.

I have been paraphrasing things, dumbing them down for everyone around me, quieting my intensity, chilling my passion, because majority rules, and majority hates these things. But back when, I had Matt to keep me sharp, to keep my brain moving, to keep me thinking. Then he went away, and now... now, if I have my way, maybe I've found someone to push me. God, it was so invigorating to be actually challenged!

String theory, Virginia Woolf, Evangelical Christianity, philosophy,God. How many more topics can you cover in an hour conversation? And now, i go to bed exhaustd because I -think- all the time. THinking. THinking. Thinking. It's frieking awesome.

And then... I finally get to go out with Erin on the bikes, and... 12 miles in just under an hour. Frieking awesome. I love to be pushed to do/be/get better. Can't wait for the next time. With either of them. (hopefully there is a next time with both... at some point.)

I'm pretty sure Marchand is causing some damage. Reading back through the SB, it's scary. I dreamt of defeat, hopelessness, death... Mine. I think he got to me, something he said stuck about how... its all bullshit. Life is. Crap. I hate him for making me think this way, for making me even contemplate it. I hate that he gets in my head and loads it up with... black.

I don't understand a lot of things, most of the world and people I can't comprehend or even guess about their behavior. My mom asks me why I think I'm so much smarter than everyone and it's not that I think I'm so much smarter, it's that when I thought they were the same and treated them as such, they thought I was making fun of them, then! Either way, I'm an asshole. So... How do you want me to act, Madre?

One thing I absolutely don't get is why I hate reading or doing anything that might be educational. I enjoy documentaries and non-fiction. I even enjoy reading Plato and whatnot's ridiculousness, but will NOT do these things or search them out voluntarily unless guilted/told to do it by someone else. It's so stupid! I don't understand!!

So I'm watching Jesus Camp and I've decided to write notes because there are so many thoughts flying through my head, I'm afraid to lose them.

"Warlocks are enemies of God! If Harry Potter was in the Old Testament, he would be put to DEATH!"

Seeing those kids crying because they act like kids in school but religious warriors at Church made me wonder what it was like to feel -that- strongly about something, and if, maybe, it's not such a bad thing to feel it about faith. Perhaps that is faith. Most likely, I still think it is faith misdirected.

Stopped at 38:00, this movie is terrifying.

I have a question. What is so wrong with cliche-images? Yes, they misdirect the populations into caring about things not worth caring about, hoping for things probably impossible, etc. etc. Would you rather have them bogged down with "truth" all the time? And I place that word in quotes because it is as ambiguous as the concept of utopia. I guess that's been my problem this whole time- by the way, I caught that dig in class, Mr.- with these stories. Life sucks, then you die. It's absolutely true. Atwood had it right about how the only real ending is death.

So if cliche-images help you to wallow through the muck of life, why shouldn't we indulge? Granted, they are like everything else that's tasty or fun- good in moderation- but just like those things, absolutely necessary to sustain human life. Without them, I guarantee suicide/crime rates would be higher. So, being constantly bombarded with news of family/friends/boy next door getting blown apart in Iraq, swine flu, personal tragedies, and more, why are the only authors worth reading writing about more of the same? Aren't we allowed to keep a vestige of innocence through which to enjoy the sheep grazing in green fields or the crazy fun of puddle-jumping?

Also, what makes anyone think that the essence of life can be understood through reading? Life is only gotten through living. I'll bet half the kids in that room didn't understand many of the stories because they haven't done any living. I know I didn't understand, nay, could not even begin to comprehend!, several of the stories because I haven't lived enough.

Maybe this is only a rant, but class this morning took me to the Dark and Twisties, as one of my favorite cliche-images coined, so I figure you owe me this much. Yeah, I'd appreciate a good rebuttal. Please, prove me wrong.

I know a man
He came from my home town
He wore his passion for his woman
Like a thorny crown
He said Dolores
I live in fear
My love for you's so overpowering
I'm afraid that I will disappear

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away
- Paul Simon "Slip Slidin' Away"

I feel like this sometimes. Today is one of those days.

"I am anonymous. I have forgotten myself: it is always so when one goes to the movies, it is, as they say, a drug." - Delmore Schwarz, "In Dreams Begin Responsibilities"

I love to learn, but I'm having a hard time with this class. It makes me so depressed, I can't even pretend it's not affecting me anymore. And there's no one to talk with. No one to debate, to show me a different side, to... tell me I'm wrong.

It's affecting my perception of the world. I'm drowning. I can't stand it, I miss my people and conversations and... light.

I feel so alone, it's killing me. And I keep pushing forward, keep driving, when all I want to do is collapse, sleep, forever.

I am so stupid.

Well, actually, I'm really not. But if the saying "Stupid is as stupid does," holds any water, I might be headed that way.

I crave conversation. Kisses and conversation. Christ.

So stupid.

I am learning new lessons. Slow, tedious, painstakingly ANNOYING lessons. What lessons, you ask? What lessons could cause such impatience and turmoil? Well, I'd say, the answer is in the question- PATIENCE!

I hate being patient, and it shows in the results because... I am awful at it. Absolutely awful. I would rather knowingly potentially sabotage my chances by just asking, then wait for something that would be almost guaranteed if given time and patience. So, my New Years (one of many) reflects this flaw in my psychological makeup. I will have patience, and I will be nice. I've already failed that one many times, but I will keep trying. I think if I keep reminding myself, it may even work.

I love my Dad. An appropriate amount of love from a child to her father, not some creepy Babylon Revisited amount. But I realize he is an absolutely selfish jerk sometimes. And I love my mother with the same amount of love, but she had always been the harder parent to please. Dad was always easy to please- get good grades, do what you're supposed to, don't fuck up in big ways. But Mom now... Now -she- is a hard woman to please. I never really got what she wanted from me. Or what she wanted me to do. I think I'm beginning to see. I'm not sure I can do it, but I think I'm beginning to understand. She wants me to care about others. To not be as jaded as I appear to be. To not think everything is as bad as it is.

You should hear some of the shit that comes out of my dark and twisty places. It's -awful-. I argued with my Dad about how human nature was simply to keep us alive because civilization has made our existence worthless. We don't need to reproduce anymore, we don't need to raise animals, till the earth, or even do ANYTHING except... chase our tails. In vain. I believe, wholeheartedly, that if it were not for our very nature, people would not exist because... there's no PURPOSE to us. Insects have a greater purpose than us. If we were to do, the earth would go on and nothing would change. If insects were to die out, the world would wither and die within 3 weeks, probably less. How's that for the Super Race?

THis whole Erica thing, I don't get it. Deep down, I think I do, which is why Mom insists on me taking as much of a part as I can, because she's trying to find the missing pieces of my red side. Red is... warm, soft, emotional, passionate, intense, beautiful. I have about half of it most of the time. The only real things that get my whole red side, are not human. Because things that are not human are easy to give to. But that's why Mom makes me do it. She's trying to FORCE me to be red... Every once in a while, she gets through and I spend days, DAYS, in D-cubed, trying to deal with this unfamiliar territory.

God, I'm tired. Goodnight.

I am so... stereotyped... in terms of Zodiacs. haha I am an Arian Fire Tiger, ALL of which share the EXACT same basic characteristics- independent, charismatic, fun-loving, dominant, and passionate. That's a 3 for 3, baby. No questions asked, because I AM all of those things (minus charismatic) to a fault. Ridiculous.

Kind of scary. I always found the Aries thing kind of creepy, how it describes me down even to my physical characteristics, but to have it backed up by not one but TWO Chinese signs? Weird. Very... weird.

"...and he whispered to the horse, trust no man in whose eyes you do not see
yourself reflected as an equal." - Unknown, on Horse Play website.

"Past the seeker as he prayed came the crippled and the beggar and the beaten. And
seeing them...he cried, "Great God, how is it that a loving creator can see such
things and yet do nothing about them?"...God said, "I did do something. I made you."
- Sufi Teaching

More lyrics I enjoy.

Either Way- Guster
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Why give away that other side of you
Happens every time, so it must be true
Step on a kid, he'll grow up hating you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you
Wonder what difference does it make....Either way
Were you ever kind, were you always cruel?
Who's ever seen that other side of you?
Happened every time, so it must be true?
Where did you learn it's either him or you?
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way

I feel like this could be for a lot of people. *Shrugs*

we were born to fuck each other
one way or another

but i'll only lie
down by the waterside at night


you will never make me
learn to lay beneath the mountain

'cause i'll only lie
down by the waterside at night

Two of my favorite lines from Iron and Wine... One for sheer shock value, it sure shocked me! And the other because it rings true.

This past weekend has been awesome since Thursday night. Linda and I started off our weekend with a bang, dancing with the sorostitutes at BonVue! The DJ was AWFUL!!! But we had a ton of fun, so it was all good!

Friday, we went to dinner at the new Japanese/Sushi place- Mmm... No. Soup was good, drinks were strong but tasted strongly of the alcohol and not very good overall, and the Sushi was sub-par, especially for the prices asked. But, our waiter was hilarious and cute and very helpful, so we left him a note and went to see Watchmen, which was AWESOME!!! I left there wwanting a copy of the actual graphic novel so I could read it a bit more closely- I forgot how much I enjoy analyzing stuff. Ooh... which relates to today... Below.

Saturday, went to the Ross U. Info session. Mike Thomas was there, and ambushed me once I got in the conference room because he'd heard Norris's name and saw me. It was really awesome seeing him- seeing ANYONE from my class. It makes me realize that yeah, we really were a tight group if the loosest of the bunch get up and talk for 15 minutes after not seeing each other for 8 months. After sitting there for 3 hours with my Dad elbowing me and grinning like a madman the whole time ("I KNOW! Stop elbowing me, we can jump up and down outside... LATE!" was the a hissed response), we talked to an admissions counselor who told me, after hearing my GPA, MCAT, and volunteer info, that I shouldn't have a problem getting in... So then we calmly walked outside and immediately proceeded to jump up and down and be ridiculous! hahah Then we walked around Boston and took pictures of each other in silly poses and whatnot. I actually really like hanging out with my parents. haha

Sunday, I had a mild panic attack about the amount of work I had to do, so I fell asleep for an hour, then got up and headed to BRewed, where inspiration struck and I outlined my english essay in an hour, then got the intro para done! And it's wicked good, I think!

Today... I got no sleep last night so I stayed up and did work in my head- AKA finished about 3/4 of my essay between getting up and my court date. haha TMissed my English course, so went to the library and got another bit done, saw the Prof. and since I was getting ready to go anyway, went to explain why I wasn't in class and ask him about my essay topic. He told me I was doing "really good work" in class and not to worry about my grades- YAYA!!! PS. He is ridiculously cute- body and brain. I can't get over it. Intellectual asshole? Well, yeah, but that's sorta expected from me, no?? haha

And... I love James Blunt. His lyrics just... hit home.

"I wish i could walk through the doors of my mind, hold memory close at hand, help me understand the years."

"I wish I could ssave my soul so cold from fear."

"I guess it's time to run far far away, find comfort in pain, all pleasure's the same, it just keeps me from trouble. It's more than just words, it's just tears and rain."

It's been a rough week. Needless to say. Hopefully, I will be able to sleep sleep sleep and get all my work done this weekend, start afresh next week! One can only hope, right?

I have discovered a love of James Baldwin, Franz Kafka, D.H. Lawrence... And a few others. Good ole English class, I swear I take them just to have an excuse to read during the week. *Grins*

I am so disgusted and distressed. It's bad. This essay is... awful. I can't seem to get it to say what I want. And all I want is to sleep. Just... sleep. I'm tired. I should sleep, right? No. Because then I can't ever wake up, and that's bad, too. Christ. I'm a mess.

I really like road biking. Linda and I went up to Wakefield yesterday and then a little past to loop back and walk up and down Main St. We grabbed lunch at Phil's- I will never understand people's obsession with that place. The food sucks, the people are grouchy, and the place looks like it may either fall down around you or engulf you in a grease fire.

Either way, I went on mapmyride.com and mapped it out- 7.3 miles! Not bad for a first time since before I got my license! LoL Today I went for just about 7 miles, probably, but it was down by the ocean so the wind was whipping in my face the whole way back! I have wind-burn on my cheeks and nose! LoL That seriously added some resistance to hte exercise and man, you should've seen me puffing on the last 1/4 mile leg. Funny, really.

I'm about halfway through revising my med school essay-- it's a lot harder than you'd think! But SB gave me the comment I was looking for- it sounds like I'm talking to them, not just writing an essay I think they'd like to hear. That's good because I want them to know who I am, what I stand for, how I've grown and how that growing has led to this conclusion. This has been a growing process, as any decision as large and all-encompassing as getting your MD degree should be. So I guess I'm on the right track, just need to get those last two paragraphs down.

So, we've given up on the prof. He's a lost cause. New plan: Ask him out a week before graduation. And stop asking him questions because he's useless about answers.

Is it really so bad to provoke your professors? I realize I shouldn't, for both obvious and, in this case, not so obvious, reasons. Mainly because I stress myself out, but also because... I kind of enjoy taking classes and so I shouldn't provoke them because I don't want to have to DROP enjoyed classes. Reason number 1. They could get fired. Reason number 2 (Really should be reason #1, honestly). Sexual harassment suits on either side. Reason # 3. Shit shit. Those are some pretty heavy reasons.

But I'm so bored. Everyone knows that when I get bored, I cause shit. It takes quite a bit of boredom and some serious temptation to cause real trouble. But I feel as though this could turn very quickly into some trouble.

Yes, you heard me, I'm tempting a teacher. He's a PhD student who... is ignoring me right now. Hmm...

I couldn't think of anything to write for my med schools statement. I didn't think I had anything that stuck out. But a couple days ago, an idea started brewing in my little brain- strength. I have strength. So much willpower and strength when I really put my mind to it, that it's really what I have to offer to the world. I will lend you my strength for you to get better. I will use it to put myself through this process and help you, all of you.

And here's how I got it. Nana and Grampa, Seth, Matt, Mike, Crystal, Carolyn, Mom and Dad. Please hear me out and do not condemn me for letting the cat out of the bag. I need to do something to make this right, to... get it out.

Looking back is hard. It was never great, except for this middle years when the most of my worries were being forced onto the boat. God, I was so stupid. If I'd only known what lay ahead, I'd have enjoyed those days in the sun with the three of them and just loved every second of it. Because nothing is forever, as Queen so elegantly put it.

God, I'm not entirely sure which gene is to blame for this betrayal. This gross departure from Nature itself! This... LOVE OF WRITERS!!! Ughhhhh. I'm not sure where it came from nature-wise, but I do know who to blame it on nurture-wise. Damn literary-minded men and their ridiculous words. Why must they enchant me, so!?

So... two thoughts tonight: I'm definitely going to be a hypochondriac of a doctor, at least until I get used to the idea that I have good hygiene and will NOT catch everything I come into contact with.

And... Neil's getting to be more and more tool-like in my head. Evidence: He is so literal, it's almost scary- what I once thought was a sense of humor is dissipating in the cold January wind; he is one of the co-founders of SigEp- 'nuff said right there; he wants to be a doctor- I am beginning to agree with the radiology guys in their views on people who become doctors- so what does that make me?; his essay reads like something out of a Pod Person journal; he refuses to let me get a word in edgewise- granted, I was being retarded because I was nervous and just spouting off.

Butttt... I think I won't have to worry about it much longer because... his antipathy toward me is ridiculous and alarming. So... I figure he's really just not interested and I'm still going to have to find someone who is intelligent with a witty sense of humor, who is also kind. Christ. What a tough order to dish up.

Funny thing, Carolyn fits the profile of a doctor- maybe I'm not doctor material. Maybe the guys were right- I really am just not the psychological profile of a doctor! What a suckfest.

Oh yeah, and... I took a practice verbal exam and scored an 8. Hawt. *Grimace* This should be frieking awesome.

So, I really only have one theme for the new year: Hopeless.

Crash and burn. Disgusted. Wasting time. WHY am I even bothering to take this fucking exam??? WHY!? It's not going to do any good!! I'm going to fail and fail miserably! OMG!!!!!!!

The more I look at it, the more I come to the conclusion Erin came to many moons ago: You're a tool. Bye bye, Neil!

I don't get boys... No surprise there, really. But usually I get them just a -little- bit... THIS kid must be from another planet. I am completely in the dark about... 90% of the time. *Shrugs* I complain about it, but actually it's okay. Frustrating, but okay. God, I'm beginning to think I've lost my chemistry. Or maybe Mike took it with him. Either way, it's gone. And that SUCKS. I think that's the preoccupying thought in my head at the moment- I am chemistry-less. Or maybe Poe took it. She took away my excitement for the world, for letting myself feel. Im going to blame it on the L-R combo provided care of both of them.

I remember being so excited about Mike that for a good two weeks, I didn't talk about ANYTHING else. Carolyn was ready to shoot me, even though she was happy that I was so excited about it. I remember bouncing around her, chattering and laughing and blushing and it's kind of sad. I just don't get that excited anymore. About... anything. Sad, huh? Or maybe this is the next stage of "maturity, " that fabled state where you plod through the world doing the same thing every day and pretending you love it so it doesn't drive you insane.

I think I lost my chemistry.

Hope not.

Happy New Year everyone!! A day late and quite a few dollars short! Ack!

Well, so far this year has been good- except for my seeming inability to get to WORK! GOD!!