Wow.. Talk about pulling the rug out form under me. I was really kind of excited to go to Charlene's party today, you know, get dressed up and dance and have some fun with peopleI haven't hung out wiht in so long. It was going to be great fun, right? I mean, so what if I could only go for the last hour- at least I got to go at all!

Yeah. Right. I remember why I don't hang out wiht them any longer. And I hate the fact that I let them get me down like this.. I really was excited to wear that skirt... it was short, yeah, but it wasn't -that- short, and it looked nice with the shirt and jackety-type thing that SB fixed me up with... I want to cry... I was crying.

I came home saying how much I hated them all, and all I want right now, is for someone to cry to. For someone to tell me that it was them who were wrong, and I really did look nice, not like "Hey Hooker" material... But I don't ahve anyone because all my friends went out together without me and I went out with some people I thought were my friends... What the hell is wrong with me?

I remember why I don't go to Papa Gino's, or birthday parties, or anything. I jsut don't belong, and it's so hard to go back to being odd man out. I haven't been in so long, and going back, it's like when I had no friends at all, jsut people who I hung out with. Like i was saying to mom the ohte rday.. I'm a jock, or a punk, or a rock band groupie, or soemthing... But I'm not one of them. And it's so hard... Why can I jsut be liked for who I am?

Went to New York today!!! Woot! First time ever! yeah, bought a pomegranate!!! LoL I boght one from a side-street vendor, who I haggled with for the price. Wicked funny. We finally agree on $1.50, the original price on the sign... Funny how that works out, right? heh I'm such a shitty haggler. LoL

Wow... if you heard me talking to Jeremy the other day, you would think I was the most self-conscious, had the lowest self-esteem, and the least amount of self-confidence ever!!! I was bashing on myself all the time, being such a dork... LoL And if you acutally counted up how many times Ii bash myself in this thing, you'd be like... Whoa, this girl sucks at life! LoL I need a new sense of humor!! *laugh*

Anyway... We went to a Christmas carol The Musical, at Madison Square Garden... There were about a million other schools there... I was in like... second to last seats at the top, and whoa... I could jsut see htat the girl's dress was red... Or is it ORange?!?! Better yet, is that a girl!?

But, I was really impressed and would definitely buy tickets to go see that exact same show jsut for two scenes that I fell in love wiht. The scene where Marley's ghost was proving he was real, was simply amazing. The blacklights and the paint on the people's clothes? The effect was AMAZING!!! And the ballet of the Ghost of Chirstmas yet to be, the simple yet extremely effective beat as they sang and danced was... well, to be quite honest, AMAZING!!!! LoL Am I being repetitive? heh

The we were let loose, Me, Missa, corey, Dan, Andrea, and St. Louie, with Ms. Blissmer- we went o nthe subway to Ground Zero- how depressing. That's all I hav eto say... I really felt crushed there... Like, I ddin't feel any sadder than I did the day it happened, but I guess that I could just... see the destruction and it crushed me. So, when we went by St. Paul's Cathedral, I reuqested we stop in, and while everoyne else was busy, I sat in a pew and prayed, something I haven't done in hte longest time- Mainly becuase I don't beleive in God. But, I guess that you hav eot beleive in something at moment like that, becuase afte rI was done, something made me feel better. I don't attribute it to God, but jsutto the fact that I let some stuff off my chest that has been sititng on my for a while.

The... We went through chinatown, and I bought a pomegranate, and checked out all the hacks on Canal St. I almost bought this awesome scarf, but eh... my mommy's making me one for Christmas and I have on in hte back of my car. Lol

So, then, with an hour and a half left, the gorup decided to get lunch... So, we went to little Italy, and were standing in front of a little group of restaurants, and checking out the specials at this one, when we decided to go to the next one down. At the exact moment, a guy came out of the one we were standing in front of, and basically hauled us inside by the arm... Wicked funny watching Ms. Blissmer being yanked around by a guy smaller than me... LoL

So, we had lunch... chicken parmigiana with penne pasta for me... which included bread, soda, more bread, balsamic vinegar and oil, (OMG DAN!! I love you for showing me that bread thing... So good...) and the main course. All of which was, as I told the man to bouts of laughter fro mthe cooks, Primo Delische--- How do you spell that? LoL i figured it was okay, because we was calling either me or Ms. Blsismer, Bella, all through the meal. what a funny guy.

On the way home I slept for the alst hour or so, but man... corey's feet STINK!!! And Andrea, please do not ever take off your shoes again... Lol Wicked fun day, lots of great food, entertainment, friends, etc. I love New York! LoL

So... Has anyone ever had something creep up on them because of a scent, or sight, or something that reminds you of it? Well, Buns did it to me. Lmao Yes... Bread rolls.

I remembered theses particular rolls from an old job, and from there it went on to Mrs Glick, Molly, and madeline... And wow. I miss them so much... But I don't think I can ever go back, simply ebcause I'm afraid of what I'll encounter... I know Molly was diabetic, and after last time, I don't think I could handle it if anyhting ahd happened to either her or Madeline... Oh man. Madeline. What a great old girl. I loved her; she was someone you could talk to, and joke around with, and I don't know... The fact that I knew she liked me back, even though she pretended to hate me, was great. Anyway, I remembered that all because of those rolls... And I was in a bit of pain from what happened alst time. I'd have to say that that time with Mrs. Glick had traumatized me... Who knew she had Alzheimer's?

And... I remember today speaking about, to Jeremy and SB, how people, if you look at them in a different mindset, can be beautiful no matter what they really look like. And it seemed to utterly cool that I could turn somebody who would hold no appeal over me, into someone beautiful, just wiht a different mindset... But i guess the mindset is the hard part... Well, maybe I'm jsut really tired... But I hav eot get up at 5 tomorrow, so... I'll ttyl!

Oh man... I feel like I'm going to die, but I'm so happy right now. Like, I have the worst ramp in the world from swallowing so much chlroine... Ugh, But, I am so excite dthat I made it through a swim practice deally... Well, mostly. WHat do you expect, I havne't done anyhting even remotely resembling a workout since May, June? LoL Go me! heh

It's not even funny how much, even though I really am in decent shape, and even got through tonight with what seems like won't be too bad tomorrow (I definitely coulda done more), I really love to work out... I am so proud of myself afterward... I don't even know why. I know I'm in decent shape, but jsut proving to myself that I can run 4 miles if i wanted to, or I can swim with the team if I really wanted to, it's just... Whoa... You can do that if you really want to.

I dunno. I think that's why track was such a big deal to me last year, even though I guess I didn't show it very well because my boyfriend at the time didn't even show up at any of my meets, (yes, that is one of the biggest sore points of that whole deally.). It was simply because, and I don't think anyone really understood this but maybe my mom, I've never ever ever in my life been able to run a mile. Like, my best times in middle school were nothing better than 12:30. And I used to try my ass off. So when, believe it ore not, by the end of track, I could run 5 miles in 35-45 minutes, I was so proud of myself. It was sick. Anyway... I'm jsut really proud oy myself, and really happy. YAY!

Thank you christine for dragging me along, I would enver do it on my own!!! heh.

LoL, So yeah... Juice was sick for the alst few days, and I was kinda worried yesterday when he still wasn't school, so when me and mom went grocery shopping, we decided to grab him some chicken soup... Then that turned into a chicken soup and a card, in a bag, brought to his house. LoL So, I brought it over, and wasn't surprised when he looked like death warmed over, but I bravely gave him his care package, and put on a brave smile in the face of death... heh. (Juice, if you read this, you really did look bad. But no worries, man, so long as I don't get sick, I still luv ya!) So... yeah. My big adventure for yesterday... *snickers* Actually, the adventure was catching up to the kid. me and mom went to his house, he wasn't there. So, we went to his work, thinking he was much better, nad he wasn't there. So, we went to go back ot his house, and i saw him pull out of IGA parking lot. So... I grabbed the apckage and hauled ass down the street, to see him zoom off. Went back to the car, and saw Chris go zooming by, so I guess they were going someplace, compeltely forgetting that Chris was working, and was so headed there. So... we went about the 500 again... For the thrid? fourth time? LoL We went back up to his house and finally were very surprised to find his car there... What a goose chase! LoL

Footsteps on the stairs,
Dog barking below.

Knees quaking,
threaten to buckle,
Why do I do this?

"I wont' be your winter...
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry."

Presents cast aside,
Feelings thrown in the gutter,
A Jew's treatment in 1939.

Maybe she should jsut turn
and Run.

So afraid,
So quiet,
So not Me.

To Ala: Just keep walking, just keep walking, Just keep- RUN!!!!!! Oh man, we could stalk those guys... WHat cool bumperstickers!!!! girly, if I didn't ahve you, soemtiems I swear I'd go nuts... Seriously, who talks about milk and couches? lmao... YeahWhatever-his-name-was!! Go you! heh