Heh... I wish I was cool. LoL

Lmao... If anyone ever read this, and didn't know how much of a spaz I -really- am, they would think I was merely really moody. LoL But anyway, I'm kinda uncertain right now. I feel like, after seeing all the people at the table today, and how they got along with everyone there, it seemed, but me, I was kinda depressed. It seems like I'm in a slump... I don't want to go back to the old group, because first off, I don't belng there, and second off, we don't like each other, as a rule. But, I can't get into the new group, because I'm a dork who doesn't think at all like them, and don't even know where to start. I think, if I stopped trying to be something they wanted, I would be fine. But it's so much easier said than done. *shakes head* I was I were stronger. LoL Have faith in thyself!!! Yeah, right. Well, I suppose that could be my new motto. Becaue, well, I'll try it on a small scale. Actually, I already have, and it's worked out. me and chris are decent friends... We get along and can talk about so many different things. It's awesome. So, yeah... I can get along with them, but I jsut ahve to relax, and don't be afraid of not being soemthing they want. If they don't like me, well... someone else will. Screw it.

LMAO... I've got to sound so insecure... LoL Well, here's a hint. I AM!!! hehe Well, anyway... I think I'm going to go sit, by myself, and watch TV, on a Friday night... *shakes head* How pathetic can you be? LoL

YEAH!!! I got accepted into my first choice college, with at least 11,000 in scholarships!!! HOLY CRAP!!! Unfortunately, it's about half a country away, but hey... I guess i won't have to deal with some of the stress around ehre, right? LoL It'll jsut be so much more stress about work... heh.

Anyway... It was so funny. My dad left this message on the answering machine, about how he had a huge surprise and I shouldn't leave, but I had to go to work, so when my mom called me at work to tlel me that I needed to pick up milk and had to come home before heading to my friend's house, I was slightly worried. I thought maybe my dad, who has serious problems understanding that his idea of a "great surprise" and my idea of it, are usually 180 out. So, I was rather worried, to say the least.

When i got home, I was really quite surprised that my mom wasn't mad at me for forgetting to get milk, as well as the fact that all three of them were perched on the edge of their chairs, ansd when I walked up the stairs, they started jumping around, and telling me all about the big surprise. *grin* I was so relieved... I thought it had something to do with perhaps, we had the first charter of the season, or something, already lined up... LoL

So, after that, like the true ditz I am, I had to go to CVS for stuff, and knew chris was working, so i found him out back, and in the pouring rain, ahd to tell hi mthe whole story, give him a hug, then fly into my little buggy off to juice's house. I knocked on the door, and his sister opened it, and I jumped around, then we jumped around in the ddoorway when i told ehr the good news, and then i went racing up the stairs to Juice's room... LoL

He was so not excited, it kinda brought my back to earth, but when I went back downstairs, his sister and me jumped around a bit more, then i left, jsut as happy as before.

Distinct, Provocative, Strong, Beautiful.

All words I want to get used to,
Words of power and words of health.

All of this I want.
A wealth, a plethora, a treasure,
Enough to see me through the good, the bad, the ugly.

Of wanting, of waiting, there shan't be any more.
I'm done with dreaming and wishing,
Of begging myself to listen.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am provocative,
I am woman, I am me.


Wow... A sudden new appreication, I think I need to buy that book... It started out as me thinking it was a comedy, but when you read through it, and finally reach the end, you gain a greater udnerstanding for the true reason why feminism started, the true reasons for women sticking up for themselves, and the few good men that will accompany them, allying with them for a purpose of common good.

And I feel so strong right now, becuase I have a new knowledge under my belt and a new strength in my heart. Thank God for good books.

You provide strength during the good times and the bad, for yourself. But, soemtiems, others and things are needed to bolster that, and whew... I found a source of strength, beyond the daily doses of Christine, Mosherishness, Jeremy, Ala, SB, Chris, and the other people in my life who can cheer me up on a daily basis, giving me the willpower to live through the bad, and float through the good. Amen to that, Sister!

PS. A future goal- to figure out what a "good male" is, what my guidelines for life are, and copy down the Commandments for being a Free Woman. And also, quit regretting the past, the bad decisions made, and the seemingly never-ending guilt for cheating myself and others out of an experience worth having.

I hat eyou,
WHy do I try to be human,
In a world that doesn't care?

I hate you becuase you don't ahte me, you jsut don't care.

I hate me that I can't hate you, just can't hate.

I want friends, need them, but can't ahve them..

Why does anyone like me? I'm a horrible person.

I lie, cheat, steal, hate, love, cry, sob.

Don't touch me, I'm tainted.

I'm evil, and all i want is golden hair and white wings, and a halo.

I dont hate you, I hate me.

Hate, hate, hate, it doesn't even look like a word.

Hooker hurts, wanton cruelties.

Someone hug me, tell me it's alright, tell me I'lll be okay.

But there's no one, because I'm ugly and mean, and cruel and stupid.

And at the moment, I believe it.