I met my roommate today. She's real nice, but I think Nick was right when he said I'm either going to love to drink, or really hate being in my room. Nick and SB came with me, and I'm pretty sure that they are eternal lifesavers. I was soglad to have them there. Her BF is funny, and she is real pretty. Like, skinny pretty, and we're about as alike in looks, like me and Crystal, except she's brown-haired, heh.

After, the three of us went to Kohl's, and I picked up a cute purse and some new riding socks, becuase all my old ones are getting raggedy. Nick had me in stitches when he put on this particular headband, and was walking around wiht it. Every time I looked at him, I couldn't help but laugh. It felt so good to laugh, different becuase I haven't done it in so long. Well, not really truly, have a good old belly laugh.

Like frieking last night, when I was so tired, and the bad guy tripped over the GODDAMN CHAIR!!! Crystal, OMG... We were so right in laughing about that. Those other people were dumb! heh Wicked funny. Or... "You missed one!!" to the carriage guy - "Abby that was so dick!!" Shit that was funny. LoL I was sooo tired, definitely was not thinking straight, and in that kind of twilight zone everything's jsut great, mood. Funny stuff, funny stuff.

Had my riding lesson yesterday, and I think, for the first time, I'm noticing a difference in my flat work, as well as over the jumps, definitely for the first time, it clicked. When I used to jump, it would jsut click the moment I checked out my course, and from there it was all business. I was getting so frustrated because when I'd jump, I'd know I wasn't doing it right, until yesterday. The very last jump set, it clicked. The approach was good, the timing was perfect, my strides were right, and I got in my half-seat with the crest-release, jsut perfect. And I knew it. Not perfect yet, but a definite 'thereness'. I still got it. And I think yesterday was the first daythat Mel got an inkling of how well I used to ride. And I'm so excited that I may get back to doing it as well as I remember, and just get back to doing it. Yes!!

Thank you so much, SB, for coming to acupuncture with me, I love you to pieces woman! "Hey... what's this?!" "Hah, we can't even figure out the children's book!" LMAO. Sanford had a good laugh over that, heh I love you hun, You are one of my best friends. WOOT!

Hmm... I think that I'm scared, deep-to-the-core terrified of what's not been done yet, what I don't even know has to be done, and what is coming, concerning college. I've always been afraid of the unknown, but this is an unknown that I don't really have a safety net for, or any type of way to... go back. Granted, on most things you can't go back, but I really don't know if this is even what I want to be doing. In my head, it makes perfect sense, but in my heart, I wonder if maybe I should have opted for the military, grown up a bit more before I headed to college. (Wow... Deja vu about that particular sentence.)

I'm really afraid that when I come back, I won't see or talk to any of the awesome people that I am really going to miss, or that I'm going to change that I don't know any of them anymore.

Like, the people that you have good times with and though you're definitely not the best of friends, who will keep in touch, you certainly don't want to lose them. I think I'm hiding it really well, but when I get really tired and just don't have enough energy to control what I'm thinking, to shove it in the background, it flows out. *shrugs* Ehh... I think everyone's feeling the same way, it's jsut something that's been bothering me for a while.

Heh... I threw my name into the pot for a Sorority... *shrugs* What the hell? Why not? LoL I also signed myself up for info on the karate club, so... shoot! It could be fun!

Tomorrow, I'm heading to meet my roommate for lunch. I hope she's nice, and I really hope I'm not going alone!!! AHHH!!! She sounded nice on the phone, and I was a total prat. (New word... kinda funny!) We were both fake laughing, which made me kinda of nervous, but... I think that we'll probably get along well enough. My hair smells like oranges... New conditioner... Yum! I went in the bathroom and was truly stunned hwen it smelled so good, thenremembered that itwas my new conditioner and my hair smelled like it too! WOOT! I was so excited!

Last night, on hte way home from the charter, dad fell asleep while I was driving in a HUGE traffic jam. It was kind of fun, though. I jsut turned up the music and rolled down hte windows and people on either side of the car would go by and talk to me like we were neighbors or something.

The charter? It was sooo much FUN!!! After one day, it felt more like a couple charters had gone by, rather than jsut one. And oooh la la. Three of them were primo! heh But truly, I had so much fun, and I knew what I was doing most of the day, that I was quite pleased with myself! LoL

Nick, I wish I could jsut call you up and talk to you right now... I'm so scared and I don't know why. I really really really feel like I'm going to pieces right now and though I hated you this afternoon, I really wish we could jsut drive around now, like we used to, and just... let it out. But then again, you're so sure of everything and I'm so sure of nothing, so what could we possibly talk about...?

"Have you ever thought about reincarnation?"

Hah... How many thoughts this one question would provoke. What were you in a past life? Were you a forward-thinker or a conventionalist? Were you selfish or selfless? How many lives do you think you had before? Do you even believe in reincarnation? Why? Were you religious in a past life? Did -that- religion believe in reincarnation? If you don't beleive in religion today, why not? Is there anything to religion, beyond symbolism to explain real-world things? Are there really supernatural stuff in this world? How'd the first t get stuck with the sound "tuh"? How was the first grain of sand formed? Are rocks the same here as on outer space? Do you think there are such things as aliens? What are aliens? Would they look like us?
Or... would they merely appear like us? Why would they want to? Why are we here? Is there a point to living? Or... Are we just some -thing's- plaything? Do you think that we have souls? What's a soul? What makes us think and act and behave differently than anyone else? if we all had the exact same chemicals and exact same genes and exact same upbringing, would we all be the same? Do genes account for behavior, or is it learned? Do you think cowboys ever actually saw the stars? Or just fell asleep after a certain age, because they knew they would always be there? If you were an animal in a past life, what do you think you learned from it? Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to change your shape, yet retain your mind? If you were an animal, do you thin something you learned from it helps you in this life? Like King Arthur in the stories of how Merlyn brought him up? Was King Arthur or Robin Hood real? I could go on all day like this, without a pause, because there are so many questions... This took me ten minutes of continuous typing and jsut thinking... Why couldn't I think of anyhting in the 8th grade when Ms. Fracareta tried to key my mind open? Why don't I think of anything personal? Why don't I ever let out what I'm thinking, really? Why can't I just tell Clarissa that I miss Dan so much, I wish I could drive by there and just... stay? Just, never have to go anywhere, but stay with my horse, stay with her day after day, until one of us died, just so I could watch her and play with her, and learn from her, all the wisdom that she gave me, that loving was okay, to open your ehart meant you let in the good as well as the bad? Would she be disappointed in me that I forgot the lesson? Do you think she'd remember me? Do you think she'd ever trust me again for leaving her? Why didn't I stay? Where's Mouser? I miss Mouse. I miss my childhood, and I miss being able to do it all again, because I wouldn't do any of it different. Do you know how mich I miss my horses? I miss my horses becuase for me, they were an age of innocence, of naivety, when everything could be, and would be, alright. That good people did end up winning over bad people, that if you waited your turn, you got the same size snack as someone who pushed for it.

I think, in a past life, I was an indian. Because I believe that they taught their children more of their past and their stories, and I believe that teaching is what we are here for. To live, to teach, to better. There are so many things I wish I could do in life, so many impractical, never to be realized, things. And yet... I wish I could learn how to sail a ship, or just be a deckhand, and know what it feels like to work day in and day out, for the dream of seeing the world. I want to roam the prairies and see the mustang herds unspoiled, unpenned.

And I realized something, that I had lost in what seems so many years ago, that I forgot, even though I was taught it by a source that seems so unlikely. I remember that to live, you must first open your heart, cut loos the strings of fear, and fly- spread your wings, open your mouth and scream, and fly. Just realize that life is there to live, remember what so many have forgotten. Just live; feel the fear, wariness, happiness, joy, sadness, ecstasy,pain- live through it and realize that you are a better person, you have found more, because of it.

I htink I'm most afraid of forgetting these things for good, forgetting to question and trust. Britney, I gave you the first signs of my friendship- true words, and the wisdom of personal experience.

Love Grace, love her with all your ehart, but know that your days are numbered and you cannot keep her, no matter how you love her so. Know that it will hurt, more than a thousand swords, more than stumbling across a glassy field. But know that in the future, you will look back, and remember the good times far more than the bad, and you will have that much more experience under your belt, for decisions in the future.

What have I learned? Beware the user, but trust the ones who deserve it. And live with your heart and head combined together. Believe in the decisions you make, and always make the best of a bad situation. It can only get better.

To me: Please don't forget racing or being saved and watched over, don't ever forget that moment when you knew it would be okay, that it would be okay to trust her with your life, that she would watch over you. And msot of all, remember the hope that ruled your life, let you watch with open eyes and heart, that allowed you to see what others couldn't, or wouldn't. Remember the Mustangs, the Arabs, that silly Scary, the Thoroughbreds and New Forest Pony that taught you so much, and Remember the crazy Warmbloods, Drew and Stan, that made you remember. Remember all of these, and remember a time when the open prairies ruled your heart.