Ooph... I've figured it out, and it's killing me. Me and mom were talking on the way home from Wally World, and it came out... what I've really been holding in, what's been making me so irritated all these days.

I don't really feel comfortable anywhere, with anyone. That's why I can't concentrate, can't sit still, pay attention, be happy. I don't feel like I have friends, real friends, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure they would abandon me, for lack of optimism in present situation. I'm not fun anymore... There's nothing to be fun about, there's nothing really, to laugh about. sure, there's always the surface shyt, but really laugh? Just... be able to sit and giggle for 1/2 an hour, while not doing anything? Nope.

I don't have any solace. I seek escape in books, music, driving, work, running, riding. I can't come home, because it's tension there. I hate going to school, because, although I've learned that being alone isn't so bad, always being surrounded by people who have someone to hang out with and joke around with and talk to, it's rapidly degenerating, becoming impossible to be happy. This is a lot of shyt to dump on anyone, but I suppose that's why I put it on here, where people don't ahve to read anyhting, don't ahve to register anything, but I've still got it out there. Adios.

Ever been so frustrated about something because you can't do anything to solve it, because even though you have a problem, the gate-keepers aren't giving up any keys, jsut sitting back and taunting you? Well, that was me, earlier, the one so frustrated, all they could do was cry, and mutilate the blankets on their bed, for lack of anyhting better to kill? LoL Go me... Killing bedsheets! hehe... I'm such a rough tough creampuff. And then... my bro ther comes home (it gets so much better!), and he's supposed to go to a basketball game, and to work later tonight, when all of a sudden, he tells mom and dad he's not going, because he's drunk on vodka. Then spends the next hour or so hanging over the toilet. Yay. I'm so excited.

My car got fixed!! I'm ready to grab my keys and jsut go try it out on the highway... Just go zoom down at about 100 miles an hour, jsut to feel how smooth it is, and to see if perhaps I can just maybe work up enough adrenaline that nothing else matters? LoL I was going to go riding, but by the time I got done wihtthe drama, I felt like if the horse didn't do something right, i would strangle it... Not the best way to go into a horse barn, especially if the horse in question is Rival, aka. Mr. Screwup.

Adios... I'm out with mi madre, to Walmart.. Ttyl.

Whew... I'm really not quite sure what's going on my head. Like, today at lunch, I didn't even realize I was so keyed up, until Linds came over and I felt like... finally, I could sjut be myself, laugh and joke around with pears, and be dumb. And it felt really good, like taking a deep breath of fresh air after standing in a room full of smoke.

It seems like every time I go to lunch, I take a deep breath and walk in, preparing to have to hold my breath the whoel time... And I can breathe deeeply after I get out. And wow... I need to learn to chill out. I'm jsut so... untight these days, like I can't relax or somehting's going to snap. And I'm afriad I'm the one snapping. AHH!!! LoL

Hah... That post is corny! heh... Oh well, Now we know what happens when I'm stuck inside the hosue, or for that matter, anywhere, for more than a couple hours. heh!

YAY!!!! No school! Hah. I hate shoveling snow, but I love to get days off from it! heheh ... Yay!

Tribute to The Man: No wonder why you're so damned cool!

"If I could do one thing for the rest of my life, it'd be to make the world smile through the songs that I write, release their pain for a while, maybe open their eyes. But it seems so far away, the dream that can't be had, but dreams come true. Or so I tell myself."

Yo man, You did. I was jsut thinkign, and really... Would i have bought a hackey-sack if I hadn't met you? Prolly not. Because hell, no one else I knew played with them, and honestly, watching you in the classroom made me really want to try it. LoL As well, I never would have started singing again, for any reason, if I hadn't met you and found someone that I really liked singing along to, that sang something worth listening to. *smiles* Geez, man, you have helped a lot of people in your life, and influenced a whole hell of a lot more. Keep it up man, keep on going. You'll make it! Can't wait to see you in concert!

Well, went riding this morning. You know, I needed to hear that I do as well at some things, as I think I can. And, in a sick sort of way, I was glad to have the excuses they gave me, to make up for the fact that I couldn't "make" Rival do as I asked, then demanded, then beat him into doing. (Actually, I never beat him as much as they told me to... I'm not cruel.) And again, I swear Mom is an invaluable tool to use sometimes- and she knows I use her for it! While I'm riding, all the other barn people go into the warm viewing room, to check out how the "girl who can ride Rival" can ride, according to Cindy, their remarkably expensive lesson person, who now has me as a student, as well. (I'm going to be a Pretty rider again! Woot! - I'll bet that none of you knew I was on my way to regionals and whatnot when I quit the first time... *smile* A little secret I hold dear to heart.)

And yes, this whole post will probably be about riding, a I'm a geek with nothing bettter to do. heh

So, anyway... Using Mom as a tool. While she sits in there and gets all the juicy gossip, meaning, who's horse is for sale, who's been having trouble and might need a rider to jsut... exercise a bit, and.. "Oh dear, he -is- giving her a ride, what a good seat she has!" (LoL- he flipped his head!! *snorts*) Okay... oaky... Lemme brag jsut a bit more!!! So, overall, the lady couldn't understand why I had "such an awesome, flexible hip and seat, independent hands and a decent upper body posture", while my leg was flopping around. LoL Basically, she couldn't understand why the roof was still standing with nothing holding it up. *shrugs* I compromise? Lol

Another thing, I use mom to get the infothe instructor won't tell me. Basically, what's wrong, and what I need to do to correct it. I was extremely disappointed when she told momthe exact same thing she told me, but with more praise. I like criticism, I need it to succeed. And I don't want to be a "pretty" rider, who can be-bop around the show ring and win ribbons, I want to be an effective rider, who can take a horse such as Rival, and whip him into a shape somewhat resembling normal. (Though pretty and effective would be absolutely wonderful!)

I guess I'm in good with this barn, becuase the first reason why I rode there was to keep Rival exercised for whoever was going to buy him. Now, since I'm taking lessons there and Rival isn't a "good horse for her to ride, he's just not going to help her get better," I'm on this ltitle brat named Cricket, who I can ride whenever the hell I want. As well as Rival.