I have a friend, who, no matter how high or low or self-pitying I get, can always bring me back to reality. Her mum is in the hospital. Dear God, if that were to happen, if my mom were to ever stop being my mom, if she were ever to get hurt or just... quit, what would we do? How would we cope? I sit here, my fingers making the only noise beyond my roommate's gentle sleep-breathing, and the tears just flow straight down. I picture the other night, mom walking in on me as I cry into my hands, just running to get tissues then sit by me until I slow down enough for her to give me a hug, and I wonder what it might have been like without her.

I can't imagine being that strong, to deal with your mom gone, and not only that, but have to take care of everyone else, as well? I suppose, though, that necessity makes or breaks us, and all I can say is that I'm really glad I haven't had to make that choice.

I guess my problems just don't compare to those of other people. I know there is so much sadness and pain out there, there is just no way that mine can compare. He's not dying or dead, my family is still together, my mom hasn't given up yet, none of us is living on the street, how can I complain?

So now, I will cry and be angry and be the bipolarish person I'm becoming, but always remember that no matter how bad, it could always be worse.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Right mom?

Thanks for the chocolate fish, it tastes good. Want the last piece?

Ps. I sent out Valentine's the other day! YAY! I hope everyone likes them.

Wow... You know that vow to stay out and never cause drama? Well, it was going fine until Tuesday night, when not only did I get in the middle of it, but I caused most of it! Hah!

Actually, going back, that was probably the shittiest day in a long strong of days, probably right back to the day when I was ditched on the side of the road, and slept all the next day, between crying bouts.

It started on Monday, when my dysfunctional family became just the slightest bit -more- crazy, and I went off my rocker. Just... gone. Hi, where'd the Abby go that was bouncing around on Sunday, crazy about the beach? Eh, she's out on sick leave.

Then, Tuesday, Iwas still in a funk, but not half as depressed as I was the night before, but getting through, doing my work, not being too dizzy. Tuesday night rolls around, and in all of 10 minutes, I got rejected, lost my ex-best friend/ex-bro, and got told I like "beating on myself" becuase I wasn't talking about it to the kid who, 2 weeks before, had called me a conceited bitch and told me he would never be my friend again. Wow... Sound like a gpood ngiht to you? And that was after I told my bro that maybe it would be good for him to go to rehab, and he told me I should go to hell. Yup.. Way to pile it on, huh? LoL

By the way, if you have made me feel like shit in the last 6 months, more than once, I suggest you probably shouldn't talk to me, becuase I am on a shit-expelling trip. Anyone or anything that has caused me undue pain, is leaving. Friends, family, situations, say, "Good bye!"

So... to the people of Tuesday night:

Nick, you're not worth talking to on here, because you don't read it. Perhaps you should. And beyond that, there's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said. Let me make note of my favorite quote, though: "If I've learned anything from college, it's that friends are special, but friendships end. You are special to me, but this friendship has ended." Good one, huh? I was impressed. But really, it sums it up. I loved you at one point, in one way, and then I was put on the backburner, and then I decided that if You really cared, you would have at leat checked up on me, on your own. So... *shrug*

Scott, I really am not sure why you are so down on yourself. I understand why I am attracted to you- it's my hero complex coming into effect again. Right Cat? But, for the life of me, I cannot understand what is so bad about you.

See?Even on here. This isn't what I wanted to write. Not at all, but I can't bring myself to pull it out, to pull it out and open it up, show what's really up. I'm so hurt, so suspicious, so angry, I can't stand it. I want to cry anytime I seriously think about it. last night, I went home, and I didn't want to go, but I needed to. I knew my mom needed me, and I knew I needed to see her. A one point, my dad started in on my brother, and I walked away, into my room, jsut walked out, them waqtching me. I went into my room, looked around at all the things I'd accomplihed, I've accumulated over the years- my ribbons, my collage of things my friends made me, my favorite objects- and it hit me, with a power I didn't realize could exist, that I jsut didn't care. I didn't want to be here, and if I never saw those things again, I could live with it. And it hurt. It still hurts. My mom and dad argued while I sat on my bed and cried, just... tears flowing down quietly, my head in my hands, crying for all the things that I never wanted to see again. The objects that represented that depressed, completely hateful side of my life.

I haven't cried more than a couple times in the last years over what hurts so bad, that I push myself to get out and do things, I push myself harder and harder to sotp being so blue,it's jsut a phase, I can be better if I have more firneds, if I do a sport, if I stop reading all the time and get out there. And it worked, up to a point. I did get out of my house, I never saw my family, and I was able to smile.

Ya know, if there is anyone "normal" out there, I am she. I have the "trendy" dysfunctional family wracked and nearly ripped apart by drug problems, I live in a house in the suburbs, though, sadly, it has no white fence. My family has a mom and a dad, and the 2.5 kids (.5 = dogs), I have pets and a large backyard. My neighborhood is relatively crime-free and my town is out of a mall-town novel.

So yes, a normal person would give you a hug. What do you have to be sad about? Yes, a girl ripped your heart out of your chest... it happens, trust me. Why do you bother with me? I'm so fucked up inside, I don't even know which way is up. Why do you want to be my friend? You know I can't be one back. I'm too afraid to take down my walls. And they're too high for you to climb over. Why do I keep trying? The hope that there is something better out there.

If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger, right mum? Please don't let it kill you. I loved the chocolate fish.

God, it hurts.

Why do they do it? Why, whenever something happens, do they just... let me find out when mybrother brags to me how much he draggin the family down? Would they have called me to tell me he was gone?! Do you think they would ahve done that much?? I would have gone home this weekend, looking to relax and pal around with my bro, and he would have been gone! And I never would have known!!! Is that was families do to each other?!

I'm not sure if it's some kind of demented protection scheme they have going on, but whatever it is, it's fucked up. I should know when you call the paperwork place and send him away. He's MY BROTHER!!!! Mom cries on hte phone to me, but do you thinkthey could hav epicked up the phone and TOLD ME? Of course not! "WE didn't wan tto upset your studies!" Studies?! He's my little dork! He's hte shithead! What are studies in comparison?? I can handle myself well enough to get my work done, but if you deny me the knowledge of what's happening, I can't promise that I will always recover from that sort of treachery. And that's exactly what it is.

You -KNOW- I have problems with people and things leaving without knowing, and showing up to find them gone. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!? Seth, why did you ahve t odo this to yourself? I don't understand, why are you such a screwup? I love you bro, but I hate what you do to us. I hate you sometimes, more than anything, for being who you are. And I don't even know if I can blame it on the drugs. That's the scary part. If I could say it was the drugs, I would be able to write it off and still love you completely, get you some help, and not hate you so much. But I'm just not sure it isn't you. And that's why I hate you.

This is going to be such a good day... I can see it.

As I saw the away message go away, the window didn't appear. I waited, but still the window didn't appear. I don't know hwy I'm surprised, I mean, who really cares that much?

Ever had that crushing disappointment when you realize that the person who you decided to crusade on, is so blindingly different, that there was no conceivable way to possibly relate to them? That understanding can't be sewn because you have no thread? I hate it when that happens. I seriously get so attached to people over nothing. Simply because I find something about them that intrigues me enough to get me interested, then it turns into something else, until it burns off? Yeah. Well, I'm at the stage where I'm waiting for it to burn off.

But, still under crushing disappointment. And slowly but surely biting off every nail on my hands. Leaving ragged little stumps. And being completely antisocial... Ridiculous.

I remember how it used to be, in so many friendships, where in the beginning, it was so much ufn becuase we had so muchto learn about each other, where I was silly and they made mischief. And it was fun. I remember it, and I think I'm the only one who remembers it becuase I'm the only one who tries to see them, try to be friends between events.

But then, I read Laura's thing today, and I think maybe everyone has flashbacks, but you hav eto wait for them. Wait for them to realize they miss you.

I am simply too silly. I am not funny, jsut silly. And I only have 3 moods. Super high, giggly, goofy, silly; mid-level, study-time, concentrate, watch TV mindlessly; Super super low, antisocial, depressed, drained. And I cna do anything when I'm high, but when I'm low, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep until the next high time. Or cry, and scream, make it seem better by being ridiculous and laughing because people are watching me be crazy, and if I laugh, maybe I cn jumpstart myself into Super high mode.

It's not that Im fake, it's jsut that, no matter how high I am, I always know the low is right around the corner, so i laugh it up as much as I can, and try to make it last. I actively force myself to laugh crazily silly, so that maybe, jsut maybe, I can bypass the low. When I'm low, I just want to curl up with someone and nuzzle into their shoulder and sleep with them watching over me to make sure nothing bad happens.

What's this particular low all about? A bro in rehab, for sure, run away, a devastating sad blow, bothered because I'm not bothered about the bro. So tired, and no friends I can cry to. No friends at all...