Wow... You know that vow to stay out and never cause drama? Well, it was going fine until Tuesday night, when not only did I get in the middle of it, but I caused most of it! Hah!

Actually, going back, that was probably the shittiest day in a long strong of days, probably right back to the day when I was ditched on the side of the road, and slept all the next day, between crying bouts.

It started on Monday, when my dysfunctional family became just the slightest bit -more- crazy, and I went off my rocker. Just... gone. Hi, where'd the Abby go that was bouncing around on Sunday, crazy about the beach? Eh, she's out on sick leave.

Then, Tuesday, Iwas still in a funk, but not half as depressed as I was the night before, but getting through, doing my work, not being too dizzy. Tuesday night rolls around, and in all of 10 minutes, I got rejected, lost my ex-best friend/ex-bro, and got told I like "beating on myself" becuase I wasn't talking about it to the kid who, 2 weeks before, had called me a conceited bitch and told me he would never be my friend again. Wow... Sound like a gpood ngiht to you? And that was after I told my bro that maybe it would be good for him to go to rehab, and he told me I should go to hell. Yup.. Way to pile it on, huh? LoL

By the way, if you have made me feel like shit in the last 6 months, more than once, I suggest you probably shouldn't talk to me, becuase I am on a shit-expelling trip. Anyone or anything that has caused me undue pain, is leaving. Friends, family, situations, say, "Good bye!"

So... to the people of Tuesday night:

Nick, you're not worth talking to on here, because you don't read it. Perhaps you should. And beyond that, there's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said. Let me make note of my favorite quote, though: "If I've learned anything from college, it's that friends are special, but friendships end. You are special to me, but this friendship has ended." Good one, huh? I was impressed. But really, it sums it up. I loved you at one point, in one way, and then I was put on the backburner, and then I decided that if You really cared, you would have at leat checked up on me, on your own. So... *shrug*

Scott, I really am not sure why you are so down on yourself. I understand why I am attracted to you- it's my hero complex coming into effect again. Right Cat? But, for the life of me, I cannot understand what is so bad about you.

See?Even on here. This isn't what I wanted to write. Not at all, but I can't bring myself to pull it out, to pull it out and open it up, show what's really up. I'm so hurt, so suspicious, so angry, I can't stand it. I want to cry anytime I seriously think about it. last night, I went home, and I didn't want to go, but I needed to. I knew my mom needed me, and I knew I needed to see her. A one point, my dad started in on my brother, and I walked away, into my room, jsut walked out, them waqtching me. I went into my room, looked around at all the things I'd accomplihed, I've accumulated over the years- my ribbons, my collage of things my friends made me, my favorite objects- and it hit me, with a power I didn't realize could exist, that I jsut didn't care. I didn't want to be here, and if I never saw those things again, I could live with it. And it hurt. It still hurts. My mom and dad argued while I sat on my bed and cried, just... tears flowing down quietly, my head in my hands, crying for all the things that I never wanted to see again. The objects that represented that depressed, completely hateful side of my life.

I haven't cried more than a couple times in the last years over what hurts so bad, that I push myself to get out and do things, I push myself harder and harder to sotp being so blue,it's jsut a phase, I can be better if I have more firneds, if I do a sport, if I stop reading all the time and get out there. And it worked, up to a point. I did get out of my house, I never saw my family, and I was able to smile.

Ya know, if there is anyone "normal" out there, I am she. I have the "trendy" dysfunctional family wracked and nearly ripped apart by drug problems, I live in a house in the suburbs, though, sadly, it has no white fence. My family has a mom and a dad, and the 2.5 kids (.5 = dogs), I have pets and a large backyard. My neighborhood is relatively crime-free and my town is out of a mall-town novel.

So yes, a normal person would give you a hug. What do you have to be sad about? Yes, a girl ripped your heart out of your chest... it happens, trust me. Why do you bother with me? I'm so fucked up inside, I don't even know which way is up. Why do you want to be my friend? You know I can't be one back. I'm too afraid to take down my walls. And they're too high for you to climb over. Why do I keep trying? The hope that there is something better out there.

If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger, right mum? Please don't let it kill you. I loved the chocolate fish.

God, it hurts.