Cnai just say it is 11:03 and I -just- woke up from a 5 hour nap on Kevin's bed? Oh yes, there was talking and sprawling and curling and mumbling and all the good stuff that comes with me sleeping, involved. How fucking -awesome- is that?! Now I can stay up for another 6 hours and DIE!!! LoL That's okay. I'm going to bed anyway. Whatever! I obviously needed the extra sleep, and I only woke up because my stomach was eating itself. I wonder what's wrong with me. I have African Sleeping Sickness again... The Tse Tse fly bit me... Shit. Those goddamn Tse Tse flies.

But now I'm recharged, a nd... readyto rool! Wheeeee!!! Partay! Partay!!
OMG... My foot is twitching so badly, my desk is VISIBLY shaking. And my foot is onthe floor. You know, where feet belong. Isn't that FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC?!

Meh, gotta look up churches, brb

I tried on boots with Linnae today. It was so much fun! I love boots, though I'm not sure why. I must have 5 pairs of gorgeous boots- all sizes, cuts, and colors- that I never wear. I think it must be that I absolutely love wearing them and the way they look and all that, but after 1/2 an hour, 15 minutes even, my feet, legs, back, are KILLING me. Argh. Why are boots such an oxymoron?! Wonderful and yet horrible!! ARgh!! It hurts my head.

I am so looking forward to this party tomorrow night. It's going to be a hella bash! Whee!! And I am going to have so much fun, I don't even care what happens. haha

BTW>.. If you read this, park at the church lot, 2 streets down and take a left.

Okay.. .latin time. Then... whatever else I cna get this frazzled mind of mine t odo. Icky. Like whoa. argh...

Mmm... My broccoli and chicken dinner is amazing! I need to learn how to cook more often! hehe

I am pretty sure Kyle hates me. The look on his face the other day, even Dan commented. It was almost amusing in its look of utter repulsion. I am actually very amused at the effect I have on that boy.

Oooh!! I have another card to post up on my window!! I' mso excited!! hehe YAY!

I refuse to be in a bad mood. I said it earlier today, and I know, I just know... It was due to bad timing that I was placed in a fit of annoyed hatefulness. Just once, I would love to say the evil, nasty, hateful things that I know I am quite capable of coming out with, when I want to. I had a good one today, and I bit it back, like I so often do, because it was -really- good. And that means that after I shut up the whole room and made the person who it was directed towards, wince, i would feel horrible for a LONG time. But sometimes, sometimes I wish I could jsut be so incredibly cruel that I could say something and walk out, not caring how they felt. But that's just not me. I would feel incredibly bad after one of my rare vicious comments. Meh... I guess it's for the better. Granted, they would have shut up and I would have been quite happy about that, but the after effects are worse than a bad hangover! So... Meh.

BUt I am in an awesome mood! Kevin's accusing me of smoking crack and I'm floating around like I'm in a dream! It's great! I love this particular mood! It's CRAZY!! I never know what I'm going to do next!! hehe

Mmm... This broccoli is GREAT!! I mena, truly fnatastic. Possibly the best steamed broccoli I've ever made! It's simply breath-taking.
I need to go to the gym. I pay for this membership, and I doubt I've used it 25 times. Lmao Sick, huh?

Meh... I'm done. I've go plenty of chicken to munch on for the rest of the ngiht and possibly tomorrow, heh Good deal! Wheee!!

Now, don't everyone get their panties in a twist. Aight? We all know this is my rant page. When I'm pissed, I write on here so I don't take out a wall or my favorite stuffed animal. Granted, last night was rough, mainly due to the influence of parents that love to play mindgames without you even realizing you're the pawn- I guess that is the ultimate of strategy, eh? Maybe not even parents, just parent. Meh. Family issues that are as old as the hills shouldn't bother anyone- they may have fucked you up, but don't let them bring you down, right? Right.

John, Matt and Naomi, in order of whn I spoke to you, or vice-versa, thank you. *shakes head* I sometimes think that people come out of the woodwork to show support for strangers, and it makes me relieved that not everyone is as selfish and cruel as I have come to believe. John, just talking to you last night, joking around and being goofy, you creepy old man!!, thanks. I needed it.

Matt, what can I say? You crack me up. That comment about fighting had me staring, then cracking a smile, then laughing like crazy! You boosted my confidence and helped me laugh at the same time. Thanks. It makes a difference when someone you know and care about reminds you that you're -worth- caring about. heh PS. Are you feeling Italian or Chinese tonight? (Panera! Panera!!)heheh

Naomi, you are always there. I can treat you like shit, or treat you not at all, and you are always there. Girl, you should be awarded some kind of sainthood or something. How do I nominate someone for that?? I'm so sorry, hun. I am a horribl person sometimes, we both know this. And when I get stressed, I break down even more. One of these days, I'm going to get enough money and time, and head down there so I can see your crazy hair. hehe Thanks for caring, woman.

Trips down memory lane. Gotta love them. Or better yet, avoid them altogether and save yourself the rage blackout. OMG... I cannot believe I just did that. To kate, kevin... I can't believe I sucked them into my own private hell. I thought it was buried, like so much else. Evidently not. It's jsut carefully hidden under glass floors and behind glass doors. Waiting for boxes to be moved aside and locks pried open before they can be seen and heard from again.

Kate asked me how my weekend was and I told her it had been great. And I honestly thought it had been. Until I started telling her about it. About how I was so annoyed and uptight that Matt smoked himself retarded then drove home and expected me to be alright with it; about how I'm still the "good" kid, but Seth is now the "perfect" child. I think I want couseling again. Want to know how to fuck up a kid? Make them second best. Make it blatantly obvious who the favorite is, has been and always will be- in front of them. Oh, there are much faster, quicker, easier ways of doing it- Get drunk and throw your kid through some cabinets, or get high and molest them... I'm sure there are easier ways to do it. But a really good lasting way to really fuck with your kid is by making them believe they can never be good enough. Never. No matter how hard they try, or how much they do, you will never be as proud of them as their sibling.

And by sibling, I mean the kid who fucked up everyone's lives by being a drug addict. (Oh man, i can't even imagine how jealous I sound right now. And the sad thing about it is: I -am- jealous. More horribly jealous than I ever have been in my life. Probably the only thing I have ever been truly jealous of in my life, is my brother. Fucked up, innit?)

Just imagine this scenario. My bro is my mom's favorite. I am my dad's. It's always been that way, always will be. My dad was never around when I was a kid, so you can imagine how sides went. Mom always tried to be fair, but somehow you always know who the favorite is, there's no simple way about it. So I was always second-best. I was the one who had the expensive habits, was not very social, never really fit in, over-weight, and spent more time reading then anyhting else. So I gave up on trying- whenever anyone was looking, that is.

Then Seth's "problem" came into play. And you can imagine how mom felt, now that her golden boy is no longer golden, and I am. Still Dad's gone with his new job, but now I've got a car, friends, job, and refuse to be part of this household where the only thing that goes on is comparing Seth to me- but only in the areas where I fail horribly and he succeeds. Imagine the shit that rains down.

And now... Now he's the perfect child. No longer on drugs, getting good grades, doing housechores, Whoop de frieking do! Guess what the standing is once again: Seth- Golden Boy, Abby- Good Child.

I quit. I retire, I give up. I love Mom dearly, but her crowing about "Perfect" Seth would have caused one Good Child to leave and not look back on Thanksgiving Day.

An example, jsut so I can look back and remember why I should -never- think that I am best in anything: Seth got his permit a week ago. "Oh, Seth ,you're doing so much better on the first day then Abby ever did with her permit! You're doing so well!!"
My thoughts on the matter?: Yeah... Of course he's doing better than me. He STOLE your cars and drove them around town enough. He had best be better than I was when I first started!!

Meh... What're you going to do?

Maybe that's why I was so annoyed with Matt Saturday and today. Maybe it's residual annoyance from my family. Maybe, just maybe, if had bothered to start speaking, I never would have stopped until I was dropped off at this house Saturday night and told to never come back. All I know is that if I'd had my car this morning, I never would have stayed until 12. I would have left and gone before he'd even gotten his ass out of bed. the walk on the beach cleared my head, made things clear to me that were previously hazy. And though I'm sure some of it was unnecessary, communcation breakdown is very bad when it comes to me. If you don't talk, don't talk to me.

When you see my foot twitching and hear the words, "Fine," and, "Nothing," come out of me in response to questions, they're a good indication that something is indeed wrong. He asked, but I didn't know.

Talking to Mom, I never realized that she dislikes Dad as much as she does. I never realized how "they" came about. I never realized there were so many things wrong with whatever it is I'm doing with Matt. The lack of communication, the P-word hurts (P-word, my new term for pinching, poking, prodding and anything along those lines that hurts like hell and shouldn't.), his refusal to do anything that would make me happy, the constant "You're wrong and so is anything you do," messages, and, because of all these and so much more, my abject refusal to get any pleasure out of anyhting we do, anymore. It's not fun anymore, it's work. And I shouldn't have to work at something that's supposed to be fun.

Communication can't change that. People don't change. He's not going to change. I could badger him about it up, down, and sideways. It probably won't change, and even if it did, it would only be temporary. I think I jsut talked myself into a dissolvation of whatever this ridiculous relationship is.

And then... the next time he's ridiculously sweet- meeting me at the door with a fleece blanket and tucking me into bed so I'll be nice and warm, I'll forgive him. Because I'm a sucker. Argh.

Meh... I know what to do. I jsut have to suck it up and do it. Fuck this shit, why waste your time on someone who doesn't care enough to worry about it?