"Nothing less than Hell is worthy of man, if he be not worthy of Heaven."

"Seek the truth, listen to the truth, learn the truth, love the truth, speak the truth, hold the truth, defend the truth--unto death."

Oy... Stole these from another blogger, written by Dave someone. Thanks man! I really liked them because they remind me of what I believe in. Capital Punishment, if not in this realm than a different one, because, there is one, for sure; and truth is everything. As the New Hampshirians say,"Live Free or die!" I love this newest quote. Might jsut put it on my website for eternal glory in the ranks of "Quotes that Will Live On." It's that good. *grins* BTW... If any of you were wondering, my website is locvated at www.geocities.com/backtothenew .... Real hard, huh? Kinda predictable.

Okies... Because I didn't have a blogger back then, I'm going to put it here... I found myself thinking of this dream I'd had early this year, a dream of death and dying. More precisely, me dying. More precisely than that, me dying three times. Which, as if it wasn't bad enough for me to die once, I died three times!! I think someone really had it in for me, LoL I can only remember two of them, the third one was gone from my head the seond day after I'd dreamt these, so all I can come up with was the thought that maybe because it had been so traumatic, I'd blocked it off into a No Admittance part of my brain. I do know that one of them was extremely traumatic, because when I push the subject and try to remember it, I jsut get this nice chill up my spine and goosebumps. I can remember that it was horrible, and I was really rattled the day after, clinging to my friends and jumping at every loud noise or shadow, spooking when people talked to me. Missa told me I was a like a cat on a high electricity wire in the middle of a lightning storm... after it'd been hit three or four times. I still think the cat woulda been dead, but... it was jsut an analogy.

Anyway, the first one I can remember: It was just turning into dusk, and the night was jsut beginning to come and cover the sunny light of afternoon. I was running and hiding in my neighborhood, running down Main street, which had a lake behind the houses on the elft side of the street. These three guys in black trenchcoats were chasing me, and they were really after me! They could smell me, see me, hear me, and they were absolutely from out of this world... Like the Hound of the Baskervilles in human form. Really scary stuff. I'm a real strong swimmer, or used to be before I become allergic to open bodies of water (Don't laugh, it's so pathetically true), so I ran for the lake and dove in. One of the heard me, and dove in after me. The lake never got deeper than 4 feet, so when he caught me, halfway across the lake, he jsut grabbed and pushed me under until I drowned...

I woke up choking. I was really hot in my sleeping bag, as if I'd been running, and I had to go walk around the house for a bit until all the cramps were out of my muscles. My throat was sore, like after you get a real nasty flu, and you don't even want to swallow because it hurts so much. My whole body was tense, my muscles rigid and contracted to the point of where touching anything to my skin actually hurt. But, nonetheless, I went back to sleep eventually, and had the second episode of this dream.

It was nighttime, and I had snuck out of my house to go over to the track near my nana's house ( which jsut happens to by in Worcester). Anyway, after making it there, I was in my short little soccer shorts, and workout tank top. I was jogging lightly around the track, enjoying the fact that I could run, that I was running in the cool night of summer, when this guy of about 45 and his wife came onto the track and started walking with me. As it was about 10 at night, I was a little disturbed by this, and the hair up at the back of my neck went straight up. Nevertheless, confident in my own ability to protect myself against this one man and his dumpy little wife, I kept running, finally lapping them one, two, three, 6 times, before finally slowing down, thoroughly blown, tired and sweating. On my way out, the couple kept getting closer and closer to me, until they were walking right next to me. I veered across the track, but the man raced over towards me, and taking out a knife, began to threaten me with it, his wife laughing in the background. I started running ahead, now scared. I picked up my sweatshirt and headed for the exit, so I could walk to my Nana's house and spend the night... The man caught upto me, and start threatening me once again, telling me to take off my clothes, to... well, you know. I refused, and thought he grabbed me by the arm, I wrenched away and sprinted back across the track to hte pay phone at the other exit. Screaming, I called 911, and the lines were all busy. Wwhen I finally got an operator, she said she'd send someone over when she could get in touch with them. They were getting closer every time I looked over my shoulder, closer... closer... Screaming at her to get someone over there RIGHT AWAY, she hung up the phone on me, and I started screaming once again. I called my mom collect and it took her seconds to get to the phone... By then they were right over my shoulder, barely 30 feet away and gaining fast, both of them grinning maniacally... I sobeed into the phone that there were people coming to get and I couldn't get away, Mom, come get me... get Nana... "But she's in Florida!! What are you doing in Milford!" Mom... Please... they've got knives.. Please... "Oh my god... Abby, where are you?!" I'm at the track... Hel- And the knife came swinging down, cutting through the wires. I screamed again, trying to once again get away from the arm that came down on my shoulder, crushing me, holding me, the wife grinning at me from over her husband's shoulder, laughing at my fear, at my terror...

I was killed by the knife, after they'd had their way, I suppose, I never saw it in my dream. All I can remember is the screaming and yelling I did, struggling and trying to kick both of them, hitting them as ahrd as I could, knowing my mom would enver make it in time, knowing she couldn't possibly, no matter how fast she drove, she'd never save me... Still, still I kept screaming, still struggling, still punching and kicking... And yet I can still feel the knife point, starting jsut below my sternum, until it sank in, sank in to the hilt, a searing pain that refuses to go away, hurting me, tearing me asunder, killing me... until it reaches my heart, and he twists it, his rapidly fading face still grinning, still grinning...

I don't know what could ahve been worse than that, if anything. But, I can still remember both those dreams with a clarity that makes me cry even these days... Yes, there are tears slipping down from my eyes, I can feel the pain in my chest, the burning in my lungs, in my legs, the coldness of the blade, the fear that penetrated everything, and the utter hopelessness that permeated my very soul, in knowing that my mommy couldn't save me. She jsut couldn't make it to save me....

Oh yes... You could say I'm traumatized from it. I probably am. But, if you could see into my mind, seewhat I see, feel what I feel, hear, smell, know what I know... I think you might be, too... Oh, why did I put this into here? Why oh why?

Just got back from Battle of the Bands at my school... Damn. It was so different form the Smithfield one! Inside, the bands were mostly better than any of the ones at Smithfield, but... there were only 5 or 6! LoL I found out. My school has about 900 people, not 600... DUH! I'm an idiot! LOL

So, now I'm deaf and dumb... My voice isn't working and my hearing jsut isn't up to par! What can i say? I'm gonna be pretty damned funny in the morning! No voice, and saying" Huh? What'd ya say? I didn't hear ya!"

I HAVE A PLAYBOY BUNNY ON MY HAND!!!! Yippeeee!!! Come one come all, to see the play boy Bunny on My hand... Admission = $5.00!!! $5.00 And you can see the amazing playboy Bunny!!!

So... yeah. I'm off to bed now, had a great day, Go AIMS!! I support you in whatever you do! And Ms. Kaity... Dun let temporary insanity lblow your mind... Don't get mad, get even!!! *grins all cheeky and whatnot, and flounces off her "bring up the rights of blondes" podium. Night all!

Okies... New list. Of everyone comin, the only ones unsure of are Brad, Katelyn, JT, Lindsay, Ally, Jeremy, Jeff, and Mitch. Meagan I'm not sure about, but she says she's coming, so... *shrugs* Who knows? Roight, so, it's supposed to rain all day. There goes anything that was going to be planned for outside, unless everyone wants to bring a change of clothes, LoL.

Roight, so... I jsut got hung up on! Damn him! Stupid brother of mine... Right. So... My CD's. I'm worried about my CD's. If you get my drift, $300 worth of CD's is not a good loss on my part. If I don't get them back, I'm going to have to kill something. Just... kill something. Maybe a couple of bugs.

Yes... I'm scared. I really need those CD's back, and I need them soon. I on't think anyone realizes jsut how scared I am... I -need- those CD's back. BTW... I can't go anywhere but my hosue this weekend, well, anyplace to spend money, because I'm broke. I have 4 spendable dollars to my name. I get money on Monday, when I go back to work... *gags* I need money!!! LoL I don't even have enough gas money. I need to replenish my spendable money funds... At the moment, I'm thinking of getting another job. I have barely any after-school activities, and the only thing Id be worried about was Wednesdays and Thursday stuff... But, oh well... I need money more than I need Drama Club. Not that I've been ther for the last few meetings or anyhting, LoL

So, yup... Gonna go play in my SB now... Cya all lataz!

Okies... Tuesday night! Wicked funny yesterday... I used up so much gas, it's a wonder my car runs anymore! And this party this weekend, it's gonna be great! Dave and Matt are both going!! I'm excited beyond belief! This party is going to rock... Nevermind the whole Jeremy scene. That's hilarious in its own right. Hmm... Yep. This is going to be great. Now, if only all the Smithfield kids can get here alright... God I hope so! LoL I'll cya all laters! I'm going to bed!

Okay now... Leslie is still asleep upstairs, and it's 7:07 in the morning. I've been up for about 1/2 an hour, but tried to go back to sleep so she wouldn't feel lonely when she woke up. Unfortunately, she did wake up, so we talked for about five minutes, then I came downstairs and she stayed up there to try to sleep more... I'm such an early morning waker for school, it now carries over into the weekends... *nice, sarcastic voice* Greeeaaaat.... I used to be able to sleep until 8 or so... But now I can't even do that. It's a 6:30 wake-up call fo' me! LoL

Okies... My interesting thought while doing my hair (brushing out the nasty little snarls), popping my pills (*grins*), and otherwise jsut standing inthe bathroom trying desperately to pretend I have a brain in my head: Most people change every time they change their surroundings. Their personality changes, their facial expressions change, and sometimes they even look different on the outside. The most conservative person in the world could secretly be a big-time hacker who the CIA and FBI wish they could catch, but only the Agents can... *blinks, looks about quickly* Did I say that?

Anyway... Think about it. I was this morning inthe form of the only person I could relate to: Me!!! Yay! I happento know that at school I am known as the book-worm, the semi-quiet one, and a reasonably intelligent person. Now... At home/ with friends/ anyplace but school, I am known as loud, outgoing when I'm not in a "mood", and usually, overly friendly to the point of sickening, when I'm not being a "brainless bitch" (Yes, I am still pretty steamed about that crack.). Now, to narrow down that second topic, because the first one sure as hell ain't going anywhere, that's not the point I'm trying to get across, the two groups I hang out with, I change to become a part of.

Smithfield: Oh My God... I met you guys and knew I found soemthing that had been missing. You are so much fun, all of you!! But anyway, Ichanged with you guys... I become mroe daring, more active, physically, and I'm also more loud, and more involved in what the "group" is doing.

Burrillville(Talking msotly Carly's group, jsut to make a point.): I'm quieter, but that's because we're generally quieter; I don't do much but sit around and listen to what everyone's saying, and, because I'm bored out of my mind with not doing anything, most of you think I'm a dreamer, or someone who jsut doesn't care what everyone else thinks- Aloof might be a good word. Granted, a few people know me for the loud-mouthed, cursing, clueless, blonde ditz, mostly because they've seen me with the Smithfield crowd, or because they've done stuff that got me interested enough to get involved. In which case you can see the interior of my interior. *grins*

Okay... Now that I've showed the differences, heres another point I'm trying to get across. Even though most people change when they change the group they're in, or the surroundings they're in, there is still a base personality that showw through, no matter how you try to submerge it under a lot of extraneous (Thank you, Mr. Goudreau!) bits and pieces of personality.

So, With either crowd, I always ditch everyone. No matter what. I get even the slightest inclination of beng bored, and I'm off. At Carly's parties, me and Erik are known for going around the block, taking 45 minutes so he can take a smoke and I can get out of the crowd. Tara recently got mad at me for "ditching" her and Brad at the movie theatre. I wasn't ditching you, I would've come back, but damn, girl! I do it to everyone. And anyone who knows me, knows I do this! lmao At the base of my personality, there is a gene that codes me to be introverted- I'm positive it's a gene because both of my parents are rather introverted. They don't like people, for the msot part. It is with long, grueling hours and hard, tough work, that I've managed to become even semi-friendly. Now, I tell everyone I have ADD because I don't want them to know that when I go wandering, or when I start getting all comfy in my corner, curling up into a ball so everyone thinks I'm mad, I'm usually not mad!! I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!! I need like, constant fun around me, or I find something else to do. Now, softball games are good, ebcause you can always sleep in the outfield, jsut keep an eye out for incoming softballs! hehe

Anywho... My point. yes, I did have a point. I think I lsot it around the second paragraph, but... People are hypocrites. They say they act the same with everyone, and they say that they never change with their surroundings. But... I know this is wrong. I know this is wrong because I known that I change, and I've watched other people become different with different crowds. So... I've concluded that people are hypocrites. But think... Is it not a survival skill to change with your surroundings? So... It's not necessarily a bad thing, jsut something to notice and chuckle about, especially when you see your best frined, whom you'd though was all quiet and shyt, suddenly turn into this loud, outgoing, very center-of-attentionish, person. *grins* Quite and experience, I can tell you! LoL

Yep, so Leslie is over my house so I can't say anything bad about her. *grins* Not that there's much to say... She's pretty great! LoL Yep... so, here's the plan for tomorrow. I'm gonna meet Erik's dad, then head out to the movies with Leslie, all of this will be after we go see Matt in the morning! Yay! I'm a bit hyper about all this stuff! Yay!

I have a secret handshake! And it has a woogdety woogety in it! yay! Sah-weeet!

Okies... night night!