I made a list. Of all those things that have been bringing me down, driving me to lash out and hurt those who have done nothing to deserve it. Surprisingly, it's a short list so far. You asked me once why I drank if I knew I could get addicted, and I replied that I did it because I didn't want fear to run my life. I'm so fearful, of everything. I don't think you can understand how afraid I am, how well I hide it, how only very few people have ever seen through me, seen the cringing, hiding little girl inside my head. Drinking is something I can control- I know I won't get addicted, because it's not something I like to do. I -don't- do drugs because they may end up being something I -do- like to do.

Fear made me go berzerk last night- I'm alone. I'm so afraid of being alone, at the very suggestion, I friek out. I lashed out, against you, and I'm so sorry, I can't even put words to how much I hate myself right now for doing it. I was vicious and cold, and there was nothing you did to deseve it.

I found out stuff last night that scared me so badly, I sat here and shook for a long time, jsut trying to swallow and comprehend all that had been revealed. And in comprehending, I came to the realization that I'm alone... Have been for a long time, but I could hide it from myself- keep busy and keep grinning. And it all stems from fear. From this fear that paralyzes and lashes out.

How could we know and love you as much as we did, without ever understanding? Fucking small towns. I'm so sick of being small-minded.

I'm so frustrated, it's like a noose tightening slowly around my neck, threatening to suffocate me with my own helplessness. -You- frustrate me, I lash out, then I'm sorry and we're back at square one- trust broken, build it up, dip and lash, then start all over. Shit. This is ridiculous. I don't -do- this shit anymore!! I thought I'd gotten over it. WTF.

Anyway... I made a list. And I will implement that list ASAP.

Here's a couple songs/lyrics/whatevers that kind of sum up how I feel.

"The Road I'm On" - 3 Doors Down

"She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living in between the lines
And all the stars they sparkle and shine everyday

He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I am on

He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you keep it all between the lines
Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on"


Audioslave- Be Yourself
"And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do"

Beck- E-pro
"I won't give up that ghost
It's sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There's too much left to taste that's bitter"

Bright Eyes- Bowl of Oranges
"I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said 'I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you
that you can't do for yourself.'
He said 'Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help.'
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, 'I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile.'
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow."

I don't remember- shoot me.
"Life is an hourglass
Glued to the table."

Stabbing Westward- Save Yourself
"I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
I am just as fucked as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself"

Stabbing Westward- Darkest Days
"There are times when I'm just a shell
When I do not feel anything for anyone
All I feel is hollow and bruised
Used up and misused
Forced to be someone I don't want to be
Have I failed somehow or some way
Will the weight of today finally pull me down to drown
In the depths of despair
Where I am alone
Except for my rage

My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My darkest days"


I'm sorry, I'm trying to be happy and nice, all those things that I can be. That I am, usually. It's just that sometimes I can't be. Sometimes I get swallowed in bitterness and I can't fight my way out- I really hate it when it happens, I swear I would stop it if I could... I've tried, God I've tried. I'm so sorry I hurt you.

Can you picture watching your dad waste away day after day, knowing that it's not going to get better, only worse? The pain and despair of illness will only get worse, day after day, until finally, hits the greatest pain of all for you and the remaining members of your family, the end of pain for him?

I pray for you and your family, for your dad. I wish on every shooting star that it goes into remission, or that some radical new drug comes out with the promise of a cure. I pray for your dad, I pray for you and your mom and sister.

There's a plan for all of us, I just hope that you realize that he's going to someplace where there's no more pain, no more disease.

I just pray for you all. I'm so sorry...

I jsut ahve to take a second and document the various activities of this morning, undertaken in extreme exhaustion and giddy recklessness. Here goes nothing:

1) Picked up Christine and we headed to URI for class.
2) Parked, shut off music, got out of car, started walking across campus.
3) Made it halfway across the quad, said hi to some of the orientation people, and decided that class jsut wasn't in the runnings for things to do today.
4) Decided to check out my house for next year.
5) Got a copy of the pre-test for Monday, got back to the car, drove to the house.
6) Got breakfast at Old Mountain Lanes- awesome for breakfast, which is all they serve. Spent 5 bucks.
7) Went backto URI to go pick up our tests, decided "Well, fuck that!" and went to drive back home.
8) started to follow this random kid just to see what would happen... went on and on and on. we're pretty sure he knew we were following him because he was going like 60 on these old backroads- haha Wicked fun!
9) Turned off the chase and headed home- but not before Christine thought she saw an old frined in a car we passed.
10) Slowed down and waited for them to catch up, then stayed parallel for a while, waved, smiled, decided it wasn't him, and moved on. Then he tailed us! haha Wicked fun!
11) Actually made it home. heheh Wicked fun!

In 11 steps, my day went from utterly exhausted, apathetic and boring, to exciting, fun, and randomly adventurous! WOOT! This day will be a good one! haha

Besides that, I'm wearing my old clouter jeans... Which means I've lost weight... *Grin* And!! AND!!! It gets better. Last night, I was running the trails, and not only did I make it the full 2 miles at a good clip, but I ran the last 175 or so yards at... 3/4 - 75 yards, and full-out (well, as full out as it gets on a wooded trail)- 100 yards. Hott. I thin I wrote this alst night... I'm getting a flashback. I don't care,. it Was exciting. hahah

LUV

PS: Awesome quote... "Friendship is believing in someone when they don't believe in themselves."

Wow... Didn't realize there was that much hurt and anger still in -that- corner. Bitter. Completely bitter. I was in tears writing parts of that last night, it just sucks. And now, I'm in this completely apathetic state. Mmm... I think I could be tired. Why do I come on so late? fuck. I should learn sometime.

I went for a run today. (Note: I'm sick of talking about how I feel- it hurts, it'll go away as soon as I quit thinking about it. *Rolls eyes* Why does that prescription never work?) It was fun- got to take Spritey-roighty and just... pound it out along the trails. I did some 3/4 and sprint work- not too much, don't wantt o kill my knees, but... it felt real good. Fast. Probably not half as fast as it used to be, but... it felt good. I missed sprinting. I -do- miss it. I should race more often. Against Christine, maybe. *Smirks* Who'd lose that race? Me! haha I laugh at how I used to be the fastest 200 sprinter on the team, and can barely 3/4 pace the 200 now. Oy... college ruined me. Okay, so I'm lying. I can definitely 3/4 pace a 200, but I seriously miss running. Not competing, jsut running. Training. I love to work out; swim, run, anything fast and furious. Dancing, too... haha good thing, cause Laura's dragging me clubbin tomorrow- with MISS CHRISTY!!! WOOT!!

You're not even a good friend. You weren't there for me when the shit hit the fan, or when I went to you for a hug when my grandma died. You didn't wish me a happy birthday, even though I told you when it was. Fuck you, you suck. You make me cry because I still love you and I hate myself for doing it. I am so sick of being hurt and that's all you do.

These walls are so high
No rope can find the top
No climber can find his way

These walls are so strong
No one can break through
No one can get in

Barricade yourself
Until everything is muted
Headphones to the world
You'll never hurt again.

I don't need you or your -friendship-. I don't need your winks and faces. I don't care how much you make me laugh, or how much you know about me, inside me. You're outside the wall, you layered the extra stones and mortared them nice and strong. You will -never- get inside. Thank God.

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
I am just as fucked as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone
I think I'd rather be alone

You can not save me
You can't even save yourself
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
Save yourself
So just save yourself

- Stabbing Westward, Save Yourself

^^My newest addiction^^

So yeah, I missed the pal. AND I HAVE CONTACTS!!! HOLY SHIT! I am wearing my new hott sunglasses and being like... FUCK YES!!! hahah

I hung out with Catfish last night! YAY!

I'm taking a break from the studying I've been doing all day.A well-deserved one, I might add. So, I'm going to comment on some of the quizzes I took, and the relevance to who -I- think I am. Others may disagree, but I don't care! haha jk

PS... Can I jsut remind Leetsy that I am in love with RIlo Kiley? She is my newest love. hahah... "I'm jsut your wetnap!" I love the music on your site. If I could, I'd leave it running just so I could listen to the music... And comment, of course! haha

So, anyway... Marilyn Monroe was funny! My friend once told me that if I were a picture, I would be that one. I had no idea what she was talking about until she showed me her version of it- an inverse of it- SOOOO cool looking. Meghan, you are a fucking genius with anything art-related. damn girl, we need to hang out. Hmm.. Anyway. Her reasons were that I'm "just so fucking colorful, and I make people look twice." hah... Look at what? Maybe my rampant mood swings? Lol hehe Just kidding...

Actually, I took an IQ test at 11, and got a 128 on a test designed for adults. *Blink* I have no idea what that means, LoL

The true me? I change with the seasons, so take that with a grain of salt. But, I am kind of selfish- not too much, though! Promise! And I'm trying to fix the part of me that is... *Blink* Take my cookies and die, biotch! haha

Is it a problem that my unlucky number is 5? hahah But that is so accurate, it's scary. Well, beyond the very popular thing- but I think that's jsut because few get me. haha "What's pink and fluffy?" "Pink fluff!" "What's blue and fluffy?" "Pink fluff with a cold!"

My love type... Hmm... Hard to tell, since I've never really fallen in love. Well, except with Cat, haha But that's a whole -other- story!! They all have some merits of truth.

The keys to my heart thing is almsot scarily true. Except for the stylish and alluring thing. What the hell do I care? Just like me for who I am! Cute and fun to be with! hehe *Grin*

Hmm... That April 12th thing is... *Blink blink* Scary. So true. But, I would like to think I'm good at math and science, too... *Pout* I mean, I -am- a science major..

I like the last two- they're funny. I would like to think they're true. *Shrugs* Who really knows? I remember when my brother told me this one particular person thought I was the hugest bitch (because I "looked" like one. Yes, some people have a bitchy look, but seriously- uncontrollable curls and a ready smile? Geez...)- they didn't even know me!! I promptly went over to them, after having to wade through all the druggies and motorheads and goths that seem to flock around them, and introduced myself, then proceeded to attempt to win them over. I think it worked- haven't heard any shit since! LoL hehe

Oh yeah!!! I may have found this awesome volunteer job for the fall. Oh, I saw it in the newspaper this morning- jsut browsing and found it! So awesome!! It's a school for teens that are at-risk for not finishing high school. I figured that since I'm going to be living in the area next fall, I might as well see if I can volunteer or something along those lines. *Shrugs* Why not?

Last night, I was playing around on the computer and some of the shit that came up was like a kick in the gut. I typed it out and pressed enter, but when I looked back, my jaw dropped. "Where did that come from?" I just really hope that who I was talking to doesn't realize just how close to home it hits. Geez... They really are like us. Just like us. Scary.

Yup, I'm back at the quizzle things... Did I evert ell you I have a serious problem with my addictive personality? It's a good thing I hate the taste of alcohol, because damn. That would be a problem. haha

Here goes! First one for today!!! YAY! And it's pretty much true, as far as I know.

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Exploring You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?