Oh yeah, and my house is infested.
I have no plans for the future.
My bed is covered in stuff, with the main component being a eggcrate I don't think I should keep.
But if i don't keep it, it's war.
War is bad.
I run from confrontation, and I don't like to give up on things.
War is both. Bad Bad bad bad bad bad badbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbad
THAT bad.

Seriously, just... end my miserable existence, will ya?

Grey's Anatomy summed up my life tongiht. Or at least the part of it which is bothering the HELL out of me right now.

Let's list the things on my mind, and perhaps we'll even catch a few that I didn't know about until I think about it and start raving about it and realize that... Oh wait... Yeah... That IS really bothering me. Huh.
1. Addiction to certain people who could care less.
2. Inability to deattach from certain people.
3. Hellish wedding scheduled for this weekend.
4. Disruption of life events for hellish wedding.
5. Exam tomorrow morning and I'm so tired I can barely keep from "faceplanting" in my food at dinner.
6. I failed my chem exam.
7. I didn't rewrite my SOC paper because of... 2nd half of 5.
8. I'm so tired everything is blown straight out of proportion and it bothers me.
9. I'm an idiot and that's all there is to it.
10. I fail at surfing.
11. I want to go to the barn.
13. I have NO money and I'm living paycheck to paycheck.
14. I'm missing Oktoberfest. For the 2nd year running.
15. My friends think they know what's best for me, but they have no clue.
16. They might be right.
17. Everything on my body hurts- I was run over by a train today, but at least I didn't get knocked out by my surfboard.
18. I need to go to bed, but I can't sleep.
19. I can't sleep, so therefore my stomache hurts and I don't eat.
20. I don't eat but continue to go to class, go to my job, work out, run around like a maniac, study, drink far more than I should, make an ass of myself, pick fights, stay up late, and... will someone just shoot me so I can quit whining? Or so that I can finally get some FRIEKING SLEEP!??!?!

I can't be who you want. I can't be your friend. I don't WANT to be your friend; I mean, I do. You're a really good friend, but... I want more. And you can't give that to me. So... Take your shit. I can't do this anymore. I remember why I was so hesitant this year. I remember. And now... Now I'm in far too deep to get out by myself, so you have to help me. Take your stuff, go away. I care, too much, and... I don't want to. I can't. People suck, you suck, and... I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to be the "bigger person" anymore. I want to be little, small, me. I want to get it my way or the highway, no one else matters but me. And you... Nope. I can't do it. Not even when I'm sober. When I'm sober I can try, but it's always there, that niggling little... "Well, what would happen if I ... " And... it's killing me. It's hurting me. It makes me want to cry. I don't, but it makes me want to. It makes me sob, tearlessly, to my Beetle, about how I can't even deal with you.


Goodnight, and hopefully I will remember this in the morning so I can do what needs to be done. Don't you realize I walk away because I -don't want to-? Don't you realize I walk away because it won't get better. It only gets worse. And... I don't want to stop it, so I don't. So... It's time to go. Sweet dreams, good life, take care. Adios.

I read books. It's true. Books offer a world other than ours. You can read to get lost, or you can read to stay grounded. I guess it all depends on what you read, right?

I read to stay sane. To remind myself that there are others out there with it worse off than me, or that I'm not the first person to have done it. Because if they thought of it and thought it worthy enough to write down, then you're definitely not the first. Or the last. Or anything special.

I find it funny how most people spend their whole life trying to find ways to make themselves special or just prove to themselves that they are unusual, original, etc. I think perhaps that the reason why is because they know they're special, deep down, everyone is. And this makes us scared. Everyone. So we try to find ways that we are elite, special, so that we have some group to fit into- the "Special" group. I do it, I readily admit it. I go around muttering about my special familiy, my special temperment, my special this or that. I'm not fucking special in any way that anyone else isn't. No fucking joke.

But I read to remind myself of it. To prove to myself that no... I really am pretty ordinary with some weird shit in my past that's made me just a little less ordinary. But not original, by far.

What brings this on? Thoughts on special people. thoughts on people that think they are so special. You're right. You're fucking weird. You're a fucking asshole, you're not someone everyone else can deal with. But you're not the only one. So chill out and just... relax.

Stoner and Spaz. It reminds me of who I am, what I am, the people who find me and the things that happen when they do. It reminds me that it's not personal, it happens to many, and... just go with it, enjoy it for the good times and mourn the bad. But don't regret it, because... it's life. It's normal life. Right smack in the middle of the spectrum, normal life.

I'm special, you're special, we're all special. And in that, we're completely normal. So... smile pretty and hold that pose.