Whoa... I was really quite disgusted, and sorta depressed yesterday after readin that blog. I went through stages- Really hurt, really REALLY pissed, then kinda sad... Like, Whoa- I'm a pain in the ass? Always? Jsut sometimes? Why couldn't you jsut tell me?

But, we talked, and I mean, had a one-liner conversation, and honestly, it didn't clear up anything, and I'm still rather disgruntled, but I got him back. And let me tell you- no matter what this person said, two wrongs may not make a right, but they sure make you feel better!

I went to P.G.'s last night, and I had the usual reaction- I wondered jsut why I was there. And there was no reason for it. I'm jsut not comfortable around any of them anymore. What's wrong with me!?!? I'd have to say the whole high point of the ngiht was when me and Linds were talking to those guys in the parking lot. *grin* They were funny, and that guy could seriously throw. Like... Wow, Accuracy.


ZOX ROCKS!!!!!!!


I need to get a pirate hat. Corey, Chris, Joe, and TCapp are next on my list of people to ask if they have one. Mike, too... Jeremy doesn't, LoL DAMN! Ben does not have one.

Well... Just read Jeremy's blog. He told me it got a lot of people mad, and I can see why. The comments he made about pretty little girls with no thoughts in their heads is rather scary. I wonder if he told me to go read it because he wanted to prove that he is jsut like everyone else, or because he jsut wanted to get the anger from everyone, all over with, all at once (probably). It makes me kind of sad that so many people form such thoughts about me. I really am the most selfish and the most blonde-acting person I know, besides a few very special individuals, but I do think. Not often, thankfully, becuase usually when I htink, I get depressed, but I do think. One of the msot annoying things I've ever encountered in my life is the ability of people to form immediate judgements about others, and decide that no matter what that person does, the judgement always stands.

I remember almost everything, over the years that has raised my ire, one of the first being called "wild", the most recent being told that this person didn't believe that I was a complete and total straight-edge. Where do these people get these ideas? Do I do things to deserve this? The "wild" part, maybe, but the straight edge thing? Completely off the charts for stupidity. Do I put off the aura of being crazy, wild, stupid, and otherwise not me? Hah. Complete and total stupidity on all parts. I don't drink because I know what my family gets like when they drink; I don't do drugs because I just don't need them, I'm blonde enough as it is; I don't do crazy shyt (well... msot of the time) because when I do, I get waaaaay too much into it and it's really hard for me to stop. *grin*

But anyway... Jeremy, if you ever read this, jsut know that I'm not sure what exactly you think of me, whether I have a thought in my pretty little head or not, and honestly, I don't really care. (Okay, I lie. I do.) But really, Whatever. It's your opinion, jsut like life is designed around your idea of a personal aesthetic. Whatever suits your damned fancy.

PS. I'm not angry, jsut a bit sad, because I always thought that Jeremy, of all people, was smart enough to see past my defense mechanism "dumbness". I mean, seriously, we had this talk, about how I hide so well, maybe too well. But if he can't see past my masks, then maybe I really am dumb... Oh God, the drama.

I'm going to talk to him after class, see what he says. *shrug* I'm hiding once again.

I'm sick. Not tooo bad, but definitely one of those ugs that you're jsut waiting for it to get worse. I can feel it... It's coming. So, I've been sitting home all day, helping out while I can, staying away from my g-rents while they visit, not really letting anyone know I'm sick. And I get this message while I'm wathcing a movie... and all i want to do is scream. Shriek and yell and pound my hands and feet. I want to be so selfish, because surely, isn't that my modus operandi? I don't care about what anyone else wants, I don't care what anyone else needs. It's me first, me first. But honestly, I've been getting better. I've been trying and trying, and I've finally managed to be able to be a more generous person. And you know what? I still want to yell and scream nad kick my hands and feet, and be selfish.

Get the point?

That was a really weird dream. I didnt' figure how much of an effect it'd had on me until I was crying as I told my mom about it. She jsut looked sad, because I think she knew what I was saying even as I skirted around the issue. But... enough about the damned dream.

Sorry Linds for not being on last night. Me and Seth had a screaming contest and he won, by volition of the parents. He probably would've won anyway, if they hadn't gotten involved, but there would have been a lot more fist-throwing and shit-talking. I would've been a bloody pulp; that kid is huge. Maybe I should've slept over your house... *shrugs* Too late now!

I have a bruise on my leg from when Matthew kicked me... That kid is frieking insane! I kinda jsut hurt all over, but I think that may be because I was in a desperate fight-for-my-life tickle fight yesterday. The craziness of it all! Hah. Guys who are ticklish are jsut waaay too much fun. *grin*
I had a really good day yesterday, hanging out with Linds most of it, keeping busy all of it. The guys in Pawtucket are getting cooler, though I'm still not sure how to take Erik.. he seems like he could be funny but all I've seen so far is an intensity that makes me nervous. Tom is a complete and total sweetheart, Chris is as well, and I could stand to hang out with either or both of them again in the future. Serg is kind of weird... He holds himself back, but I think it's only because he doesn't know how to take me and Linds yet. He knows her better, but he's still stand-offish.

Back to reality. Tapioca pudding rocks!!! My mommy made some and it's so good, I think i may have to go get another bowl of it! YEAH!. I need to go riding today... Cynthia called Friday and told me either day this weekend would be fine, so I sat out yesterday and I'm heading up today. I think. Maybe tomorrow. We'll have to call and see, I guess.

I still haven't seen the end of Willard. We stopped when Willard was trying to kill all the rats. I jst know that it's going to come back to bite him in the ass.

OMG... I did have a dream last night. It was about Mosher. We were on the way to her room after school and she was laughing about soemthing. So I asked her what she was laughng about, nad she told me that she was laugh at how many people were going to drop out after the last test... "At least half the class!" And she was cackling... Yes, cackling. Wicked Mosher. I just remembered about it. And I remember that I was like... Oh shyt... I'm so dead. I probably am, in real life, but god... do I need to dream about this stuff all of a sudden? What happened to bambi and dancing flower dreams?! Why all these bad dreams?!?!?!?!?!