I love Juice (and straws...) ! In fact, I'm making an "I love Acorns (*evil laugh*)" fan club. Anyone wanna join?*grin*


WEll, today was much better than yesterday, which was just... horrible. I was bored, and really, really, just not having a good day.

But, today I hung out with two old freinds (Mike and Carly) and two newer frineds(Ala and SB). so, I guess that I do have friends, and that maybe, just maybe, I can quit being such a damned worrywart. I had a really good time, one of the times that I will remember when I wonder why I'm friends with certain people, and it will help me make up my mind to jsut... wait it out, it will be okay in the end.

The Mosherishness of it all! Dammit!! Why did you have to scare me so badly today!?!? As I explained earlier, before Da killed my post, I think I know why. she scares everyone, because she wants to weed out those who really want to try and who really want to be there, from those who are jsut going to half-ass it and barely make the grade. God, I don't know why I'm thinking in such a way, but Geez... Joe, you better not drop out. After Mosher, you are the only one who can usually explain to me and help me understand what the hell I'm doing. *whistles* It's gonna be rough this year... Or maybe, maybe I'm jut thinking that way, because I'm jsut remembering all the bad times from last year. I mena, it couldn't ahve been -that- bad... I always got decent grades after first quarter, and I even got an A- 4th quarter- High Honors, for the first time in High School. And it jsut figures, I don't even get a diploma or ceremony for it! dammit! LoL

As for college, I'm just... figuring out what I need to do, what I want to do, and how to achieve what I want to do, the best way possible. I want to be a horse vet. I want to be a physical therapist. You know, I know I want to do something with sports medicine, whether it be for humans or animals, but I'm possitive that I want to deal with sports medicine. Mouser and Dan and Hell, even Craig (asshole...), thank you. Now, all i need to do is figure out how to go about it. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine, I just need to chill and think before acting.

What else? Oh right... Missa, don't be mad at me for what I said. The morning looked better than the night, and well... I'm choosing to be brighter, as well. So, no worries, girl. I'm sure we'll work out the kinks, or I'll just drift away, like I always do. *shrugs, kind of sadly* No need to fight it, it's a cycle which doesn't seem to be able to be broken. But, *wry half-smile* I suppose it will work out in the end.

In case you ever read this, panthera_calanthe Matt, you come up in my head sometimes, and I miss you terribly. I still look for you sometimes, even though I know you've probably gained a life and no longer need to be looked for. I guess we all change and we all move on. But, if you ever read this, please know that I am sorry for the last things I wrote to you. I hope, after all this time, that you can take my apology to heart, not as someone who, knowing they did a person wrong, will apologize, but as a friend, who struck out in anger and never should have, apologizes. I hurt you, time after time, and though I apologized straight after, it's jsut not the same. *grin* In case you ever want to talk, I will always have questions, and I will always be a pest. *grin* But maybe not to the extent I once was (people change, you know!). (closing) Rain forever, (Here's where I sign) The Girl Who Loves Handstands.

So, yeah... Third time today. It's been a really boring, really horrible day. I've had waaay too muchtime to think and in so doing, get myself in trouble, and well... yeah. Just shoot me now. Like a turkey. make it quick and painless, though... Please?

"I think it's gotta be that time of the month, because i am jsut feeling like crying all the time. But it can't be! So, I've come to the realization that I'm jsut... frieking out."- An excerpt from a conversation with kerri, me speaking.

I really am frieking out. it's senior year, I haven't even started school and I already have no friends, I have nobody to hang out with, and OMG... it's senior year. I haven't hung out with one of the people who I really want to hang out with this summer, and I'm jsut realizing it now, when it's too lat eand I really wish I could've been more realistic.

I've got so much stuff whirling around in my head right now, I'm shaking and feeling like I'm going to have a breakdown, like nothing's working, like the world isn't rotating anymore on its axis. I can't keep holding stuff to me, I have to let it go, and I can't!! My foot's shaking, and i have chills, and I can't help but wonder if I'm seriously going to chill. I think I have rbain cancer and am dying. And it's spread to my stomach. I have a lump. But it shows up and goes away, was ther a few years ago. But i have headaches now... Real bad. And mom says they're all stress, which is reasonable, because I feel like I'm going to explode any time now, and... My vision blurs when I stand up, and the rooms spins, sometimes so much that I fall, and OMG... Breathe. Just breathe.

Jeremy, why didn't i hang out with you? Why am I such a bithc to you? Why don't you hate me? hell, why don't I hate you? Me and you... The Love to Haet each other fanclub. Grea tfor us.

katie... I miss you already. You're one of those things that is spinning aorund my head, swearing at me to jsut... keep going, it's jsut another day, jsut keep going, it's all going to be fine. But, you're gone. And now, now who's going to visit the guys with me, who's going to play pitch and suck as bad as me, who;'s going to know why I carry my cards in my purse? Who's going to laugh about stupid jokes and Monty Python and clip-clopping aorund at Christmas Carol plays?!?!? And i miss you so bad, I'm crying, and ym world is falling apart, nad the keyboard is a river of tears, spinning, spinning, away from control, away from me. And I can't stop typing ebcause when i stop typing, then I stop expressing adn start thinking, and thinking is what got me into this mess i nthe first place. And oh god... What do I want to do for college? Do I want to be a vet? can i be a vet? How am I going to apy for it? WHAT THE HELL is happening next door? Why is he tearing up my childhood forest? He took out the Jungle Book Tree... He killed my mom's blue spruce. Kristen, my paht is gone forever... Do you rmember that? I took my mom's clippers and you took a pair, and we both started at each other's houses, then started toward the other. We quit after a few hours, but we did it again the enxt day and well... it's gone.

Missy- why do you hate me? Do you hate me? Why do you avoid me so? Is Dan so important that you ahve to spend every waking moment wiht him, and you can't spend any time with the little poeple who sit here and kiss your feet and you merely kick at them as if they were a bug making your ankle itch? I feel like a bug, squashed and unimportant.

I have to go... Time for sleep. I can't handle being awake any more... It'll be better in the morning.

Erm... In case Joe ever actually does read this, doubtful as that may be, please, don't be mad about the comments at the end of the paragraph. They're jsut flippant and well... *shrugs* Just random things going through my head. And darling, don't take my prom comments too seriously. I had way too much fun, and am jsut an ass. *sighs* That's been bugging me. Really. eh... One sec. I'm gonna go be an idiot, because you've already forgotten, but at least it'll make me feel better. I hate being me.

Hmm... So, now. naomi, I wish I had courage like you to jsut blurt out whatever I want on here, and not worry about it coming back to bite me in the ass. I used to think I was paranoid, because I had this insane fear, still do, actually, about writing down feelings of any sort. Because, if you write somehting down, people can read it, and they have proof that you said it, so then they can show it to another person. Well... I've gotten over some of that, but about some things, I am still very much the same scaredy cat that I was. Now, I'm sure, after that, you're wondeirng what sort of juicy gossip I'm writing about. Well, nothin, really. I jsut needed to get that out, because I know in my ehad what the juicy gossip is, and well... I jsut don't need it spread all over the palce, where people can read it. In a way, I want to jsut scream it from the rootops, and let the eagles carry my words to the farthest reaches of the world, but then reality kicks me back down with her tall leather boots and with a pointed finger, shakes her head and lectures me on being practical.

Dear God! WHy msut someone be practical? I was thinking about this in the shower. Well, not exactly this, but sort of. You'll understand in a moment. You can think a lot of strange things while taking a shower. I htink it's because you're alone, and no one can hear you muttering to yourself, if you mutter (I do not!) to yourself at all, over the water, and the fact that ... when you're alone in a small place with the water running down you, feeling oh so good and warm and almsot tender, it's very much like something that most of us dream about, or lie to ourselves that we don't dream about, or maybe, in fact, youreally don't dream about it. Who knows? But anyway... I was home alone today while i took a shower, so I took a good long one, and laid in the bottom of my tub for I don't know how long, and jsut soaked up the heat, with the shower water leaping onto my skin, then skittering away like a tiny waterbug, and I thought to myself, with my eyes closed, about practicality. (Side note: If any of ym english teachers ever saw that sentence, they would shoot me. So, please, no one let them see it! LoL) Why does one have to be practical all the time? I can see how it would be useful sometimes, but all the time? Wouldn't it get dreadfully boring? I mean, think about it. And this was actually the course of my thoughts in the shower. Why not jsut go skinnydipping once during your whole life? Or maybe, for the life of me, don't even think about it! (That was sarcasm, in case you didn't notice), maybe even twice or three times! Now, I know a lot of people do it a lot! And Geez! I can see how it would be a ton of fun!!! And I made a pact to myself, in hte shower, (I'm stuck on the fact that I was thinking about this in the shower... can you tell?) that Dammit! I'm going to go skinnydipping at least once, maybe twice or even three times this year, dammit! And whether it's on my own, or with a friend, or hell, (Please, don't faint when you see this, some of you weaker hearts) maybe even with my boyfriend- provided I can ever get one! *rolls eyes* That's a story for antoher day, if I've ever heard one! So... There.

And yes, Katie, I know very well that I did not live up to hte pact we made this summer. I'm really sorry... I jsut couldn't. And it's not that I wouldn't, it's that I couldn't. I simply could not find someone that I thought about in that damned way! Frell you to hell!! (not you, Katie... it was directed more towards myself and God and the world- especially... eh, we'll leave that blank, too.)

(*blink*) Roight... Well, now I'm done with whatever I was talking about. Here's the agenda for today, so far as I know it. Senior pictures- Are you kidding me? I get to break another camera this year? Whoot! Yee haw! LoL Who'd ahve thought i could come up with an awesome chance like that again!! But seriously folks... Why me? Why seniors? Can i jsut enter High school without a picture? Just enter without a face and name? I'd enjoy that very much... Ms. Nobody.

And I kind of wonder, too... Am I going to start the year off wihtout friends? it's looking that way. I was thinking of planning fall party, and had jsut called up Linds to see what she thought about it, when she brought up the fact that there was a concert on the same night, and hey! Why don't I go? Well... good question. Because, after I got off the phone, I looke at my mom, and asked her, "Mom, really, there's a concert going on that night that I want to go to, and well... I don't think I have enough friends for a party, anyway!" She jsut laughed, but even so... usually I start off the year wiht a ton, then it gets better as it goes on, but by 3rd or even 4th quarter, we all hate each other... Or maybe I jsut hate them? Who knows? But whatever the case, what's going to happen if I start out without any friends? Dear God, the possibilities are endless.

WEll, anyway... those are some very random thoughts in my head at the moment.

Also. I've decided that I want a guy, but one that wants me in return, and can learn how a girl likes to be treated, or better yet, already knows. Please? Flowers when they sell them? Maybe a birthday present or two? And dear god... He doesn't have to be five inches taller than me. *blink* But it would be nice...

Whoa... I'm feeling it already. You know, the feeling that I'm missing something? yeah... Well, katie, you're it. I miss ya already girl. At least, when you were here, I always knew I could call you and see what you were up to, but with you gone? Well... now that's a whole different story.