I have changed. And it's not for the better. I whine and I pout and I whine some more. I am the person I hate. haha Is that not a whine in itself? LoL

Hung out with Cat last night, and realized just how much I've changed. It's like a wall, closing out anything and everyone. No one goes in, no one comes out. YAY!!! Willy Wonka is out today! WOOT!

I was trying to be happy- I mean, I really was happy. I was chattering up a storm, and giggling, smiling, the works. Just happy to be alive, really. I suppose funerals will cause 180 extremes in people- crazy happy or unbearably depressed. I was crazy happy. But unfortunately, I am with the kid who, whenever I fall silent for the slightest moment, brought to wherever place it is I go that may not be sunny and bright with the flowers singing and the trees dancing in the background, knows me well enough to prod.

Meh... We left it off that he's unreliable, and I don't call him when I'm in trouble anymore because of it. He listened to the fabio story and I thought he was going to kill me for -not- calling him and making him help me out. But honestly... I don't feel like I can. It's not really a friendship anymore- it's more a sad melancholy conclusion that neither of us really wants to believe. *Blink* Or maybe I'm jsut whining again because he left saying I'm Sorry, and I let him go without looking back. mmmm... Gtg. 6 Flags time.

I jsut needed to capture this feeling before I got all crazy wild today on Batman... YEAH!!!!

5 Hours of people crying, including me... All I want is to sleep. Until tomorrow, when I got to 6 Flags! *dance, shout, WEEE!!!*

I'm excited. haha

Anyway... The mass was nice... I really don't like Father O'Reilly. It's jsut something about him that puts me to sleep, and makes me want to grit my teeth, at the same time. But there were nice parts- especially Lianne's (sp?) eulogy- I cried so hard, but the speech itself was wonderful. It really brought to life jsut how awesome their dad was- which was what made me and everyone around me cry, laugh, and think regretfully on how much better we should have known this man before we couldn't, anymore. Meh... I'm sentimental. But it really does make you stop and think- and they were right. When someone dies, it's not just about dealing with their death, it's also about confronting your own mortality. I'm not sure which is harder- different for different people, I suppose.

Carolyn was sobbing all over the place, and I jsut didn't know how to deal with it. So, I hugged her, held her hand and made her smile however I could. I think, if I could make them smile, to make them laugh, I would do anything. But it hurts. So much, for a while, but then it gets better.... and You learn to live with it, and after awhile it only hurts sometimes.

I can't even imagine how Mike feels. I was trying earlier, and I could feel it welling up so powerfully, I pushed it back before it could really strike. All I can say is that he must be really glad that he told his dad, and his dad was accepting of it. He doesn't ahve a dad anymore... Now there's only going to be three people in the picture. I never realized that they put down Ginger. How did I not realize? I jsut thought they had shoved her in a bedroom or something- she always was a little spaz-case... Shit. Mike's dad brought her to the vet... And buried her in the backyard... Fucking shit.

I'm so sorry Mike... I will make you laugh until you burst. If you ever need anything, I am here for you. Anything, Always. I love you, boyo.

Oh man... Wake time... I'm dressed in black pants and a dark red tanktop- with lace. Ew. Carolyn is making me wear it. My hair is relatively straight, parted in angles, I have eyeshadow, some mascara- that which I didn't rub off in disgust, and the faintest hint of peachy sheen lipgloss. Someone help me. He never saw me dressed up when he was alive... why do you think it should be this way when he's dead?

Respect. I know, don't hit me about it. And please don't smack me for talking like this. I'm warding off any emotion right now; it's just the easiest way to get through funerals- feel nothing. I suppose that kind of defeats the purpose, huh?

God, why do people have to die?

I lied... It jsut takes a story and my overactive imagination to get me crying. Geez... MP, I'm so sorry... I love you, babes. We'll be there for you tomorrow, bright colors, black pants and all... Shit.

Yesterday... what a day!

Some good, some -really- bad...

So, good or bad, first? I'll go with hte bad, and end off one a good note- my MO, usually.

I was standing on the dock, awaiting what would rapidly turn into good, when my cellphone rang. When I saw the name "Carly" on it, I got mildly excited- Yay! Friends inviting me to go someplace?! Woot! Unfortunately, the first couple sentences dispelled that over-eager myth. How exactly do you break the news of someone's death? And how exactly are you supposed to react when you're sitting on a dock with two good friends, waiting for your dad so you can go out and play? -How-, I ask? Just HOW!?

In case you couldn't figure it out, MP's dad died yesterday morning. If I thought it would help, I would do practically -anything- to make him feel better. It won't, though. This was his -dad-. What could possibly make that any better? -Who- could make that better, except possibly family- whom he hate? Maybe he'll get closer to his family through this? Maybe he'll finally find that something he'd been missing?

I sound so cold. So... reserved and uncaring. I just can't make it connect in my head. I turned off the phone yesterday, after saying how sorry I was and asking when the wake and funeral were, as well as if there was anything I could do, and turned to Lindsey, who was looking at me funny- she already knew. Kyle had no idea what was going on. Then all three of us said not a word for a couple minutes, before talking over-enthusiastically about something else that probably deserved no enthusiasm at all. Geez... What a coping mechanism, eh?

MP. What can I say, man? If you need anything- to talk, laugh, cry, smile, walk, get away, just give a shout. I'll do anything even remotely in my power. I'm so incredibly sorry... And possibly, the only thing that may, in the end, make you feel better, is the knowledge that he's finally without pain. No more hospitals, doctors, nurses, tubes, straps... No more worry for your mom, sister, you, and your family. He's in a better place, Mike, and that's the only real comfort I can give... As unfair as death is, ultimately.

Geez... I'm so sorry, hun.

did I say I had good news? Yeah... I'm pretty well grounded right now. Here's the long and short. went tubing, had a fantastic time with Linds getting knocked off continuously, in such insanely crazy ways, got to watch someone have a good time on a boat for the first time, as well as tube for the first time- Seriously, folks, who has never gone tubing before?! GET OUT THERE!!! Then we sat at my house, ate Ben and Jerry's like good fat kids, and wtch some of I,Robot, while all three of us fell asleep... haha

I feel like shit right now from allergies, bruises, itch, and wahtever else is botheirng me... ewwie. But, overall, a great day.

BTW... It's official. I have big boobs. If someone talks about how big they are, you kind of start to wonder... And that's the SECOND TIME!! lmao BTW... what is it with guys and boobs? Are you jealous? Dude... they're just stupid, I think.

I jsut watched this movie, Eulogy, and laughed the whole way through. Such... sarcasm and sheer silliness!! Now, can we say alliteration? haha

"He shot me because he said he thought I was a crow."

Dear God... Stop the madness!! I was skeptical about it at first, but I had nothing better to do, so I threw it on. Goddamn, soooo funny!!!

At the same time that it had you wondering what the hell had jsut happened, you were laughing and learning something at the same time. It was interesting. I'm really glad my family, as dysfunctional as it is, isn't like that. Geez... I'd never come home, LoL

Anyway, this movie has my full approval and SB, if you don't call me sometime very frieking soon, I will be in JAMESTOWN!!! FRELL! But with Lindsey... perhaps? Hmm...

Okay, I'm lying now. *Grins* This is my disclaimer.

Last night, while Carly and I were at the movie theater, we got our tickets and we were talking and walking in, when this asshole! walked up to me and deliberately stood on the back of my sandal - you know, my favorite Adidas sandals that I love to death!?- and tried to rip them!! I was so pissed, I whipped around and yelled at him, "Asshole! If you'd ripped them, you woulda bought me another pair!" He said it hadn't been on purpose, he was sorry, and I replied with, "Bullshit!!" and walked away with Carolyn.

Now... Which part is the lie? Or is the whole thing? *Grin* figure it out, bozo.

Anyway... I need something to do. Distract me from my boredom, LoL I think I'll call up the barn tomorrow, see if they have room for lessons, need help, etc. etc. Then I'll call up this lady who needs a horse ridden, see waht the deallie is, then go for a run- if you can call a mile and a half, the msot I can do without my roids, a run. *Snarl* Stupid pharmaceuticals, I abhore you! Then food... Blessed FOOD!! Maybe a nap, then to the boat for some fishing lessons and swimming, YAY! then back home for more FOOD, boredom and another run, then sleep, if I'm smart enough to just give up on being cool... haha

Nah... mebbe something with SB, my favoritest traveler, ever!! haha Luv to mah girlies... haha