I can't stop thinking about it. About Poe. About competing. About... loving to ride and teach and learn and ride. I just keep coming to the same conclusion. Horses are going to be off-limits until I can afford to do it as much and as often as I want. Where I want, when I want. Otherwise, I will keep coming to this conclusion. I can't compete seriously unless I can ride every day, and I don't ride just for the joy of riding- I ride to win. And I don't love to ride unless I love the horse I'm riding. So... it comes down to my ability to have the horse I love, riding it every day, and competing to win. It's just not my time. So... Yup.

God, I have so much stuff to do and no motivation for anything. argh.

I know I made the right choice because my head says so. My heart still hurts like hell, but my head says it was the right choice. And sadly, my head is usually right.

Sad Poe... Sad Abbi... Just sad. And angry. We'll see how tomorrow looks when it gets here.

So... I tried my last option available to keep Poe. I have an interview tomorrow at Canterbury Stables (perfect place) to see if she likes me enough to let me in the barn. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

School is school. It is work and a pain in the ass and... school. But I don't mind it, msot of the time. 1.5 hour classes? I mind those. Especially 3 in a row. Especially when the middle one is WMS 150. Because after that class, I feel like I've just been run over by a truck and... I have ANOTHER class?!??! WTF!!!

Right now, I'm going to say 3 words to Rich and... do some more Anatomy. Sounds like a plan, Stan. Then tomorrow morning, I'm going to get all my little ducks in a row to get my applications into DPT schools. Hopefully. Probably not. But it'll be a start.

This weekend, starting around 8:30 Saturday morning, has sucked. And by sucked, I mean... if I was at all suicidally inclined, I'd probably be sucking down a bullet right now. Thank God I'm not. Just waaaaaaaayyyyy too "never say die," (pun absolutely intended) to give up that easily.

So... Poe was bought and paid for on Friday morning- I never really got excited because deep down, I just knew it would never work out. It couldn't. That's just the way of life, honestly. But, there's always that stupid little spark deep deep down inside me that never stops glowing and hoping and praying and pushing me forward. So, although I was trying to be realistic, when the news came down that Frank was not going to let me work off my board and was basically dooming any hope I may have had to keep this horse somewhere worth keeping her at, I just... picked up my stuff, left everything else right where it was, and... booked it home.

Wendy is now dicking me around about the money, even though I have a legal 3 day cooling off period where I can renege on any large item purchase, so Dad and I are going to the courthouse tomorrow to file a claim in the small claims court.

God, this stupid spark is pissing me off. I knew I shouldn't have answered the damned phone, I knew it! *shakes head* I don't even know why I let this shit happen to me. I should know better by now! And... I just keep hoping and pushing and praying and glowing.

Please, Life, don't ever make it go out. Flickering is okay, but out-out will be the day I change my diet to include a higher source of iron.