It's 5:30 in the morning... for some reason I am awake, writing, the stories flowing one again in my head... it's like I opened a dam. I think i may make a new character, one to whom I can write a history of...

Let's write a story...

Okay... I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes, distracted but thinking, and I cannot ponder a topic. So... Let's try something else. Let's do an intro.

The cold air clouds out of the beast's nostrils, warm air meeting below frozen, the vapors from his lungs immediately freezing into white, dropping as lead into the crisp snow fallen the night before. The tavern had changed so from the last time the trio had visited, practically lived here. There were new faces with the same attitudes; new bosses and new wallflowers, though with all behaving the same as before, bosses in charge, otehrs hanging back, allowing those who had proven themselves to step forward and take command. The old crowd, with all of its confortably friendly faces and known personalities, had gone; driven away by the indomitable crowd that had wrought its magick in the buildings hollow shell, demanding a newer, more flexible mind to change with it. There were still a few, refusing to be shoved off the stage, old bosses reduced to lookers-on, their spirits broken, their demeanors no longer the fiesty, lively young men and women of old, but darker, somber, more brooding temperments taken over, assuring them their place as "old grumps" in the minds of the newcomers.

All this swirls through the mind of the trio, passing from the woman to the beasts, and them responding in turn, offering their own comments for her to assess. On their last visit, they had been cloaked, strangers to this tavern which they'd known so well in another life, and even old friends, sitting by them, did not recognize them for who they were. A spark of memory in the eyes at the sight of the peculiarly colored wolf; maybe at his outstanding height, or distinctly marked coat, and then, a self-depreciating smirk, as they remember that, "Oh yes... it could not be so... they died a full ten years aught. They found the carcasses in the woods." And they would turn away, that smirk reflected in their eyes, a shake to their heads, before taking a swig of their drink, heads thrown back, throats exposed to strangers, as if daring them to make a move, defiant and calculatedly careless. The thought would swirl for a few moments more, then be drown as the warmth hit their belly and they could no longer feel the pain of their brandings, the cool remarks made when others thought they were too drunk to notice...

((Okay... Just got yelled at. Next installment tomorrow, or maybe the next day. Writing keeps me sane... It keeps me going when times are tough. But I never finish stories... I hate to end them, they should jsut go on and on forever, so don't expect this one to end either... It will jsut... die out.)

You write angst, angst, and more angst. For you, a story isn't a story unless someone gets molested/tortured/humiliated/abused. That's okay, though; nobody writes angst better than you! Not only that, but your plotlines, however dark, are quite often very original. Those who can stomach what you dish out will gladly attest to your greatness and brilliance. Some might even call you a god! A rather cruel god, but a god nonetheless. Your writing is probably hauntingly beautiful, and someone who's read your stuff will never forget it.

May I jsut laugh right now? first off... I hate sad endings... I cried when Sirius died at the end of my Harry Potter novel this morning... for, like, 1/2 an hour... I'm sitting there and the pages are sopping wet! I had to put it outside to dry!! (Okay... I'm exaggerating. I give! You win!) But really... i was crying over some stupid frieking story character... He was my favorite... *pleads for him to be brought back... knows it won't happen... thinks about crying again... decides not*

Anyway. "Hauntingly beautiful"? Hah. I've had Ms. Ryan stop me in the hallway and demand why I wasn't writing as well as i could... (I never write as well as I can in school, what's teh point? So... How'd she figure out how well I -can- write? She said she got ahold of my 8th grade stuff.... Weirdo.) But seriously. I'm not a good writer, I can't sing for shyt, and yes, I'm fishing for compliments, but they are so nice to get!!! Anyway... I was really surprised to get this quiz result, ebcause I thought for sure they'd be like... eh, you're mediocre, go cry about it. LMAO! *ponder* I do kinda write about cruel things, though... But I suppose everyone does. Because that's what people like to see. Heroes getting trashed, then rising to their feet and defeating what was crushing them. They don't want the hero to die unless they're some sort of FUCKING MANIAC!!!! Damn Sirius... Why'd he have to get the Avada Kedavra curse stuck on him! Anyway... hehe

So, to go ask Richie for help... I personally think that's a bad idea, but... I asked him earlier this year and he said that yeah, it was fine. I think he may have jsut been being polite, but I can try, right? I really do want to learn how to write songs and whatnot... I'd like to try to learn how to play the guitar, but it's rather hard when you don't have a guitar to start with, lmao! I really jsut kinda want to write songs, becaue... I'm not good with the whole beat thing, and keeping a tune? Jesus. It's like asking Satan to put up Christmas decorations! Not happening. (Wow... that was kidna funny... jesus, satan, christmas? haha! I jsut realized it!) But, I would like to try to write songs because... if I ever learn to paly the guitar, I can play just those, and not necessarily anything else, and... well... I suppose it's gotta be pretty common sense. Just like poems, really. Make up a tune in your ehad and write to it. Maybe I don't need Richie. But it would be ncie to talk to him again, he's a funny kid, I kinda miss him. Actually, I really miss a lot of people. I'm sure they don't even think of me, but... I have a lot of time on my hands! lmao! brb Puppy feeding time!

Oh man... Went to the Third Eye Blind/Hot Hot Heat concert last night, was pretty good. Granted, I don't think anything can compare to that first concrt I went to... But, hey, i don't think anything can compare to the first experience of that particular event. So... The fireworks. Did I ever tell anone that I am like... very very scred of fireworks? Them in ones or twos are fine, but... the grand finales get me. I was in the middle of a parking lot when it happened... Struck dumb, i just kinda lost it and while Lindsey and Robby laughed at me, I stood there, staring at the ground, my hands over my ears, whimpering. I don't even know why they bother me so much... They jsut scare the shyt outta me!!! Always have, prolly always will.

So, i have so much stuff to do, if I'm actually gonna pull of this party next weekend. Like... invite everyone!!! Heheh . And I have to go get gas, stop by Aim's house, stop by Lind's house, then go round up some pals and go storm some unaware place... yeah right. Anyway... I'll ttyl later, jsut wanted to relate how scared of fireworks I really am, so everyone knows. *grin* I'll go to them, but at ehg rand finales, prepare to have a blanket ready for me, because I will be hiding. it's toooo HOT!!!!!!

Wow... Talk about screwing up a topic, huh? That previous post was supposed to be a discussion... I turned it into a support group. How good am I!? Lmao! Anyway... I jsut got a turn for the better in work, I'm so excited! Craig yesterday... I've been cleaning out the back rooms, organizing, and throwing away a lot of shyt... He comes into the back room, a little tiny piece of it that's partitioned form the rest, looks around, looks at the paint buckets in the corner, and asks me if I'd like to make a rest area out of this room. Like, for the people who work in the front office, when they get sick of the patients. I'm like... Well... And he throws himself back into the one-way conversation. "Well, you'll have to throw all this away and get the rest of the rooms clear, then you can start painting this room, and we'll move in couches and acoffee machine, and Oh, this is such a good idea! I'll even come in and help you! I love painting!!!"

Can someone please, please, please kidnap me? Jsut for about... a month and a half? Until summer ends? LoL OMG... Please, do not make me work in the back rooms with my boss, the perfectionist, who'll be wathcing over my shoulder, making me grit my teeth, snarl under my breath and in other words, make a usually pleasant,relaxing job, into the nail-biting, hair-ripping, tear-crying, I-hate-your-guts-CRAIG period of my life? *lip quiver* Please? *tear* Please? *sigh* Didn't think so... Worth a try, though. Eh, maybe he'll forget and just let me do my stuff... But hey! I get to wear jeans to work now! Not a bad deal! hehe I get to be comfy because I'm working in the back room! hhahah!!! Boojyah!
(Talk about a mood change, huh? lmao!)

I'm in such a good mood these days, I have no idea why. I think it may be because I've finally figured out what to do, and I don't have my emotions pulling me in forty bazillion directions at once. I can freely admit it now, and get over it. It takes me a long time to resolve anything in my head. Mainly ebcause I second-guess and triple-guess myself... Such a mess, i am.

Joe, (please, please, I hope to God you don't read this anymore... It could be very embarassing... and yet, at the same time, I hope you do, because then you'll know exactly what I'm going to say before I say it. Just loop some chains around my ankles, hook me to a cement block, and throw me off a deep-water pier, kk?) I still like you as a friend, and though I remember the days when we were more, I realize that I wasn't ready for that type of relationship, and I shouldn't have thought that I could make myself. (Okay... Now for the fifth time today... I'm going to quit getting interrupted, and finish this damned post!) Up until recently, I haven't been able to pull myself together to tell you exactly how I feel, because I wasn't sure exactly what I felt. (Gabriel, if I jsut wing this, will you please guide my words to make sure they come out right? You're an angel... please?) So, soon as I get up enough courage and alcohol (I'll need it, thanks.), j/k!, I'll give you a call.

It sounds so drama-queenish. *shakes head, smirks* Soda, if you only knew. *grin*It's not that bad, swear. I'm jsut gonna whip out my special line, which I prefer not to wreck the surprise here, and watch the wheels turn, for a smart-ass comeback. *evil grin* It's going to be so much fun... *smirks* Then I'll get the comeback, turn beet red, (Beets aren't really red... they're purpley- why do they say that!?) laugh my butt off and concede defeat. It works in my head... Now why is it so hard? lmao Luv ya... Advice is gratefully taken!

Never There-Cake

Never there....
You're never there....
You're never ever ever ever there.

You tell me that you love me so
You tell me that you care
But when I need you baby,
Baby, You're never there!

I'm about to get yelled at for waking up the puppies... I didn't really... They jsut kinda, woke up!

So, I found a good topic, thats obviously been bugging me, because I can't sleep, and I don't know why. ( maybe it was the fact that I had a cop jump out at me while I was doing 60 in a 25? It's called great reflexes, and good brakes. Then, I had to reset the clocks while dad was in the shower, so he wouldn't know I was 10 minutes late for curfew. LMAO! Ya think?) Anyway... I was talking with someone's mom tonight, me and Missa. And... we were discussing a friend of mine, who, from here on in, will be recognized as Peter. Well, The Mom, known as TM, brought up the fact that Peter has been acting weird these days, not taking part in friendly activities, just partaking in very... destructive practices... Not drugs or anything, jsut... stuff. Anyway, we got into a discussion of how fucked up his background is, and well... I never realized it, but Frell. That kid has a hard, hard life. Like, he's not abused or anything... Not physically anyway, but... The shyt he goes through on a day to day basis, it's enough to make anyone angry. I would hate the world if I was him. Anyway, this is hats off in salute to kids with rough lives. Dude, I have no idea the shyt you've been through, but there is one thing that I can say, that I learned in life: If life doesn't break you, it makes you. Don't break, please. It wouldn't be the same without you. And I know that you prolly don't read this anymore, no one does, but... If you ever do, jsut know that there is at least one person out here who wishes you the best of luck, and has a higher level of respect for you.

Destroy She Said- Circ

Destroy she said my love again, the end will come quickly.
We'll try again to make amends, but just end up sinking.
If you expect an aftermath, I think you've been dreaming.
Destroy she said my love again, then it's not worth keeping.

Wow... Weird dream. Me and some girl were crippled, and couldn't use our legs. I don't remember the firs half of the dream, but the last half was of me and her and a group of my friends all heading over to my house, because we needed a car to go to the bridge.... Again, don't ask ,I don't know why a bridge. We were both in wheel chairs, but for some reason, I could drive over in the five-speed... Miracle, I suppose. When I got to the bridge, my legs wouldn't work again, so we got wheeled out onto it, and there she walked... She stood up and walked. Well, me being me, I tried it, and I walked too! And that's when I woke up.

Hmm... I wonder about stuff like that... What exactly makes peolpe dream? And is it true that if you don't dream, you'd go insane? I suppose it could be true... Maybe that's why you always feel better in the morning, because as you slept, you had an outlet for all your pent-up emotions.

Oh man!!!! Can we say out of it? lmao! Okay... I went out Friday on a charter, with 6 guys in it. It was sooo boring! All I wanted to do was fall asleep! Not only that, but we didn't catch much, making it that much more sleep-athon-ish, and these guys were completely work-oriented. I'd try to talk to them, and they'd be completely entered around their own jobs! I'm telling you... Just shoot me before making me do it again!

Yesterdays were more fun, but they got a little frisky after their 4th or 40th beer... I lost count. Anyway, I was so tired from the first, that I was dropping almost all day. When i got home that night, I realized that I still had Sarah B's birthday party, and my mom had bought a present, having known about it from the day before. She's so sweet!!!! So, anyway, dropping as I was, I still dragged my sorry ass over to her house, and crashed for a bit. I was only 3 hours later for the party, showing up at 10... but hey! Why not? LoL

So... I'm pretty good today, besides, for some reason, the floor occasionally flipping up above my head every once in a while. Do ya think there may be a problem? LoL And people wonder why I'm such a klutz!! I'm always reaching for the ceiling! LoL

I wish I could make up my mind about certain things, including what I want to do about riding, Dan, and stuff like that. I'm so indecisive, I wonder if maybe I'm going to become a psychologist simply to diagnose myself! Speaking of screwed up... Did you hear about that woman who, drugged up on something, drove a homeless guy's head through her windshield, then drove four miles home, parked in the garage, and while he was laying on/in her car, moaning, she apologized to him, went back in the house, did stuff(drugs, pills, sex) with her boyfriend, then they both went out and apoligzed? Jesus. There are some sick people in this world. But... there is one thing that could make this sooo horrible, you might even count it as pitch black comedy... She was a nurse!!!