"You love me but you don't know who I am." So... interesting, as a line. All on its own. It's part of a song that at the moment, I can't think of a name for. Anyway, I was humming and whistling it not moments before, so I figured it was at least worth mentioning. *shrugs* Why not, right?

So, it's quiet hours. In preparation for the exams I have already taken, this morning, or will be taking, next week. *gag* I Hate Exams. And I've already heard that my chem one is going to be a bastard. Especially considering that I'm HORRIBLE at chemistry. I jsut can't do it. Unless I understand every little step, it's like... Gibberish!!! How about this; I'll promise not to speak of Chemistry too much, and... Well, that'll be it. I'll jsut stop worrying about it, becuase I'm doomed to fail no matter what I do. Besides, I jsut emailed my professor with a very nice apology/pleading note, so... things should be okay.

Dear God I have been such a slacker today. I went to my History exam 15 minutes late because my alarm didn't go off and it's a really good thing I've got a somewhat decent internal alarm clock becuaes I only got up 10 minutes late. Goddamn! I got out in 2 hours, then went to the zoo instead of working at the horse show.. I was halfway there before I remembered. Welll, actually at Dunkin Donuts, but seriously, I was going to the ZOO!!!

And then... I'm so fucking ANNOYED with myself for being so DUMB!!!!!, I had my camera on macro for objects it definitely shouldn't have been on, so half of my what could have been AWESOME pictures, came out blurry and SHITTY!!! AND I'M SOOOOOOO PISSED!!! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT -DOES- THAT?!?!?!?! Oy. Oy vey.

*shake it off* I got two sketchy people IM me today... Crazy shit. Like whoa. hah... It was hilarious, I laughed the whole time. See, me and Kate decided to throw our pictures up on facethejury.com and see what happened. LMAO I can't beleive I did that. *shrugs* Whatever, it'll be fun when I get bored, jsut randomly say hi and whatnot. See how many people get frieked out. hah

The giraffe today, it looked at me. I really feel like it looked at me. I remembered what I was missing, why I love the barn so much. Not these stupid barns where the horses are so perfect and pretty and everyone loves them, but the barns where horses are sad, or scared, or... barns where you can make a difference. Those were the eyes that looked at me today. They were tired, bored, sad. I felt so bad for the giraffe, I wanted to hug it and make it free.

GTG... hah

How am I not harmless? LoL Don't you laugh at me, Naomi. I know this is rather funny, but just wait until I can't see you. hah. I mean, seriously. How am I not harmless?? I suppose anyone cen be harmful if put in the right situation, and I suppose my story of drinking 1/3 handle of vodka in 2 hours probably didn't help, but I don't drink anymore after that. Well, I haven't even gotten buzzed since. LoL

But Anyway... Now really. Linds came up with a good answer though, though I'm pretty sure one wouldn't really get it from the conversations we've had. I -do- track people down and have the ability to verbally and/or mentally beat them to a bloody pulp if they get me evil-pissed. I know I've spoken of evil-pissed before, and I'm talking the King of all anger, when I get white and calm instead of red and loud. The calm before the storm, angry. But, that happens once i na blue moon. Granted, I guess if Linds still remembers it from last year, it must;ve made an impression, so... *shrugs*

Anyway.. I will hav eto let my subconscious, which always has good answers, ponder on this question. Since I seem to have tons of time on my hand during quiet hours.

I wrote stuff in the notebook by my bed for today, about the revelation I had last night continuing on into this morning. I love it when my sunconscious works out a problem that's been bugging me. And I can't wait to tell the two people who were most involved about it!!! I've jsut told one, and it was like... Great! Hopefully I can carry it through and not forget... Which is why I write it in here or my notebook, because when I look back, I remember and hopefully it'll stay a bit long then, and longer then next time, until it jsut... stays!

Anyway... The revelation was: Let go of the ways that I always thought of as "right" for friendship, and allow others to set the guidelines of what they need in a friend. How's that for a revelation? There were specifics, but meh... I can keep those quiet. *grin* Yay! proud!

"Can you kill the nigger
in you
Can you kill your nigger mind
And free your Black hands to
strangle."
- Sonia Sanchez, Black Feeling, Black Talk (1967)

I was catching up on readings for my history class, and this caught my attention. It reminds me of a poem I once had to analyze for English class in the 10th grade; same feeling to it. Just wanted to make sure I would remember it when I look back.

"There appears to be a vast amount of confusion on this point, but I do not know many Negroes who are eager to be 'accepted' by white people, still less to be loved by them; they, the blacks, simply don't wish to be beaten over the head by the whites every instant of our brief passage on this planet."
- James Baldwin

Hott. Just hott. Decent common sense, and I realize why he was a very loved writer of this era. I should read some of his stuff.

Listen to John Coltrane - saxophone player, jazz.

I am so tired. That exhausted, I-can-barely-stand kind of tired. I sat here for a good five minutes just staring at the pencil sharpener on my desk. I think Lucifer isn't feeling well... He's being small again. And he's not eating his food. Poor Lucifer.

So... an update. Last night, I have pictures on the LS blogger!!, a few people from my dorm went out and celebrrated the end of classes by dressing up and going to Gregg's for dessert. It was devine, simply heavenly! I had chocolate layer cake, as did most everyone else. Oh man... My skirt was so short, but it was a skort, so I guess it's... understandable. *shrugs* good excuse? heh

It was so much fun, jsut getting dressed up, going out and coming back to get drunk off our asses with the Jello shots we made... Bwuhah. Granted, I never made it to that stage because I went partying with Laura instead, learned how to take tequila shots with the salt and lemon and stuff, and... Had a good time screwing with drunk's heads. heheh!! Soooo Much fun!!!

I got back at 2, and dropped like a rock into bed, then got up at 9 this morning, and from there it's been a whirlwind of never-ending activity! I did my comm project until we went to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, ate, thne walked back down the hill to get my notebook to walk back up the hill to my review class, then went across campus to get my comm grade and straighten out my missing exam grade (bah humbug!), then... palye volleyball for an hour or so, went to Stop and Shop, and JUSST GOT BACK!!!! Oh man. I htink this is the first time I've sat down in my room all day. Oh yes. While I was at the very top of the hill at comm, I found out that Laura's paper had to be in by 3, or she'd get late credit for it. SO... in 10 minutes or less, I ran across campus at a 3/4 run to my dorm, up three flihgts of stairs, called her to catch that hse was sick, ran all the way down the hill to hre dorm, up 4 flgihts of stairs, grabbed the paper, and ran -all- the way back up the hill back to Comm, where I droppped the paper on her desk 5 minutes before the deadline. Then I proceeded to drop to the floor and review for Comm exam. OY!!!! I have RUN EVERYWHERE TODAY!!!!

Lmao. I love life. heheh

So, I have a new bloggery deal going on. I've decided to have a picture blog, post all my favorite pictures with captions, and document some stuff that way. So... even if I don't write about something in particular, I almsot always have picture of stuff, so...

Anyway, the site is... Here. Boojyah! LoL

Mother's Day was nice- got together with the Mom-fam and had turkey (for mother's day?!). It was really good. I got to see my newest little cuz, Elizabeth something-or-other, when Gretchen stopped by to say hi. Nice surprise- they were in town, usually I only see them once or twice a year. I'm soblah these days.

College makes me horribly lazy. *sigh* Stupid little blah thing. I told Naomi last night that it seems like RP is pointless. Just... stupid pointless little people playing a stupid pointless little game. And she got mad at me. I think. I don't even know. I can't remember.

The cow picture kind of gave me a start, can i jsut tell you? I remember it so clearly, like it was yesterday and not 4 days short of a month ago. I was driving slow and careful on the highway, the speed limit down the backroads I usually tear down at 50 or so, risking everything on hairpin turns. I was so careful, because I was afraid if I let go for a minute, I'd never stop. I'd just go faster and faster until my tires left the ground and... Just as I was thinking about it, with this hairpin turn coming up- the worst on the road, I saw these cows. I screeched to a halt, pulled off the road, ripped out the camera I somehow remembered to bring, and crossed to street to lean over their fence to take pictures. It was so peaceful, so quiet and calm and beautiful, I couldn't help but sit there a few minutes and breathe it in- it was weird. There was no scent on the air except daffodils from the next farm over (also pictured), and it was getting twilight. It was Heaven to the Hell that was brewing in me. It was the peace I needed, the reminder to what could be, that allowed me to get home in one piece. *nod* That picture sure does say 1,000 words, though I doubt any of you can hear them.