I'm so close to crying, it's like... I jsut should be. Even my nose is stuffy.

Christine wrote such a true, awesome entry, and I know she said everything that I wish I could say, one of the things that has been clogging me up for I don't know how long.

Oh, now I am crying... brb.

What am I going to do without you guys? Seriously, I'm so afraid to go down there, and I'm not even going to NY, or Maine, or Ohio, but jsut staying in RI, and I'm so scared that I won't find friends to joke around with, talk all night, compare boy troubles, and discuss the latest fashion trends-- We did that!?

So, here's the first edition of my list of who you are and why I love you, and by golly, if you don't read this, I'll be so sad...

My four compadres:
To the four special ladies in my life- SB, you are wonderful, my rock in the storm, always the first I turn to whenever I have a crises, or jsut need to cry on... Katie, you are my inspiration to be a stronger person. You push me and pull me and threaten me until I do something new, and find out how much I love it for myself! (Track, etc.) Ala, you are just such a great person, so much life and fun, I won't ever be able to find someone to just be so silly with, and then crash on a couch and watch a movie, eating gobs of Kettle Corn, discussing boys and life... Christine, you are my wishing well - Everything I ever wanted to be, you are. You say what I can't find words to, you push me to try harder and be my best, you are a friend who I know I don't ahve to see everyday to know you're still there, still hanging with me through thick and thin. Good luck in Utica, I'm positive you will have the time of your life. No worries, hun.

The guys:
Jeremy- Hah... didn't think you'd be first, huh? Love/hate is the perfect relationship, becuase without both, you never get enough of each to understand the other so well. And you're the last person on Earth I would have thought I'd be friends with, back in 9th grade... Nick, you are a great guy, someone I never thought I'd grow to love, but there you are!! Just being with you has taught me so much, about life and love and guys, the reason to be yourself and be proud, where would I be without you? Joe, you're just crazy!!! I wish I could be as awesome as you- "Just go up to someone and talk to them!"- You are one of those people who I could sit and listen to all day long, jsut to hear what you have to say. I love it. Chris. You are the original best friend I always wished I had. I've always(since 8th grade) called you the guy I would love to live with, jsut so I wouldn't miss anything, someone who I love to talk to because you always ahve something to say. You're brilliant, opinionated, and you play a guitar! What's hotter than that!!?? No worries, Domini, I'm not after him... :) Matt, again, another I count as a great friend, though one I'm positive I don't get. I've never asked your advice or read your blogger, but jsut by being the mystery I've never been able to solve, never tried to solve, you give me reason to keep trucking. You are my inspiration, a shove to get on with life and be confident in my own abilities. If I hurt you before, I am forever sorry. *smile* Forgive?

The girls:
There are barely any girls who I get along with, who aren't compadres. Crystal, you are a very special person, one of those who I'm never sure whether to laugh at or flip off. talking to you about anything, is so much fun. You always seem to know exactly what to do, and your insights are supreme. Lindsey- Wow. I really wish I could know exactly what to say at the right time, how to be silly and talk really loud without sounding dumb, how to get you to hang with me before we get thrown apart. How's potato soup sound? Broccoli cheddar for me, thanks... Naomi... What can i say? I've never seen your face, but I still call you one of my oldest friends. Beneath sarcasm and biting wit, lies a heart of gold and a brain to express what you're feeling. Without your advice, I surely would have floundered and sunk long ago, and without your heartfelt stories, I would've been denied the pleasure of falling under a true artist's masterful retelling of real-life events. I hope you stay true to your heart, no matter what happens.

There are so many countless others, the Smithfield crew, The Lemmings, the Everday Crowd. To all of you, I'm with you and I miss you and I hope you know I'm always here for you, honest and simple.

So, I'm off to URI, and I hope these few sentences can show all of you the barest scratch of my feelings toward you.

I'm sorry I've been so confused in the past, for being a ditzy blonde when I needed to be strong, for forgetting to call when I said I would. I'm glad I could help you in your hour of need, I hope I wasn't too honest, and I hope that all of you, every single one of you, remembers how much fun it was to raise holy Hell, cause a shitload of mischief, drive fast on mountaindale, race boys in cars and win, eat tons of kettle corn, laugh until our ribs hurt, find an excuse for cinnamon crunch bagels, cruise around talking until 2 am, paint cars, freeze our asses off in a moving Ice Box, walk around town at midnight, drive around Pawtucket picking up random kids, dress up in holey dresses, spar until you're exhausted, and just have random fits of insanity.

God, I'm going to miss you all. I hope I never forget. Anything.

Insert loud, tired, aggravated, stressed, cranky, bitchy, pissed, and exasperated sigh, right here.

To tell you the truth, I feel like I'm writing fluff, like I can't say what's on my mind in here anymore, becuase I'm too busy, I've got too much going on at once, I'm too tired, I'm rushing, I'm worried about what someone may think, or some other bull.

And BTW... Just for the record, Closing Time is by Semi Sonic- thanks Naomi.

What Crystal said, it rings a bell of truth in my head, whether it's true or not, it's a definite possible scenario.

Jeremy, you are right, he is an ass. But, really, aren't you and I, also? When I say that you both remind me of the other, it's not becuase one of you possesses a quality the other doesn't- it's becuase you're the frieking SAME!!!! So, quit with the bullshit, hear what I'm saying, and just take it how you like! I'm so sick of people hearing me, and not -hearing- me. Just keep talking, over, under, all over, me. I'm not a rug, I don't ahve a kick me sign, FUCK OFF!!

Also, I defend him becuase he's my friend. Because I do care about him and I do care what you say about him. I defend him jsut the same way I defend you. I know your flaws, I accept them because, overall, you are a good person. And so is he. You're jsut going to have to accept my decision, and butt out.

And Nick, I understand your worry for your dad. I understand, and I respect it. But I'm going to ask about the war, because it's something that I need to know about. And I don't feel I should ahve to explain myself mroe than that, becuase well... I don't exactly know why. It's just something that I know. I left the message on the machine at least a couple weeks ago, and when I got no response, I wasn't really surprised, and was content to let it go. I didn't mention it to you, becuase I didn't really want you to know, until I'd gotten permission from your dad, to proceed. And now that I got it, I told you because I wanted your help in phrasing things so that they won't offend him, not your outright negativity to my objective. And if you won't help, then I'll be forced to stumble on my own, and just hope that I don't fall into a minefield.

Also, I don't know why I'm being so cranky these days, it's something I go through every once in a while, when I'm tired and stressed and have no place to turn to. I'd even lost my blogger for a while, because I was too afraid of what people would think, to write what I really thought.

I even hid the wink story- and the fact that I'm scared shitless to go to college, even though I'm sure everyone else is, too... I hide random things like how me and my mom went picture taking tonight, and I loved how she has such an eyes for scenes, patience to capture them, whereas I jump into things and leap jsut as quickly back. *smile* I love my mom, I hope she still knows it.

I swear, I had an enlightenment over the past few weeks. And this outdoor shower, that I've been raving to everyone about, is perfect for it. It gives me an excuse to run around in a towel, to flaunt the fact that yeah, I do have a will of my own, I'm not just a doll to be thrown around, I am in control of my life. After every shower, I feel so... rejuvenated- body and mind. I can't help but smile, because I feel so good.

So, why am I so depressed...

Maybe I just need better drugs. (just kidding...)

I went off on Cat last night. I swear to God, I'm getting worse and worse about stress. After what Jeremy said and I had to admit to, I'm so... wary. Because, really, it's true. When you go out with a guy, or you like him, you overlook shyt that after the glow has worn off, you find annoying, or even pisses you off to no end. And honestly, I was real honest and observant after I realize what a dick Joe was, so... I saw what I was getting into, and probably, against my better judgement, I still decided to jump in with both feet. And Jeremy, that was dick, making me confront what I knew to be true, and yet still aggravating me to the point where I couldn't stop thinking about it.

So, I said some rather nasty crap about Jen, and I feel like such a complete and total bitch, which I knew I would becuase I don't talk smack becuase I have an overactive conscience. Even if I'm thinking something, I don't say it aloud- becuase it will come back and bite you in the ass, but also becuase I disagree with the whole business. Anyway, what I said. I just told him that Crystal said she was yanking him back not necessarily becuase she liked him, but because he needed a jerk to keep him in check- if she couldn't have him, no one would. I have no idea whether it's true or not, but... I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

And now that he reads this, I have one other personality to edit stuff for. Woot. It's so much easier when no one reads this, or I don't know if anyone reads this and I don't have to worry about sensitive souls. eh, most of the time, I don't care. But hurtful stuff? Raging stuff? That needs to be edited- heat of the moment stuff doesn't really count.

Anyway... I'm thinking of taking up a separate job, involving Stan, one of the hroses at the barn. His owner is an absolute sadist, and a stupid bitch to boot. And if you think I'm kidding, you've got to meet this lady- Fucking Bitch. (hah... and I don't talk smack, right?) Anyway... Her horse's feet are shot, because she didn't take care of them, and becuase of the added strain of his hooves hurting him, he pulled his suspensory tendon, which puts him out of commission for riding, for a month. So, she's hiring someone to walk him for 20 minutes a day, because that's all he can do. And I think I'm going to take the job becuase this horse is awesome and I love him to pieces- but then again, I'm really really afraid I'm going to be crushed when she ruins him again... And I don't need that shyt before college. Help?

Ever been in a particular mood, sorta melancholy, sorta happy, jsut kind of mixed and matched everywhere, not really knowing what to do, or who you want to talk to? So, you throw on the music list and see what catches your eye, which songs would make you feel a bit more normal? Well, I am jsut writing to say that I've finally hit the perfect list for this particular moment, and honestly, if I wasn't writing this, I would jsut be lying on the couch listening to this particular mix, probably singing along, horribly off-key and not knowing half the words. What a great time I'm having!!!

Here's the list, if you ever get in this kind of a funk, and jsut need to chill out.

Sister hazel- Your Winter
Tracy Chapman- Fast Car
Avril lavigne- Anything but Ordinary
Incubus- Warning
Circ- Destroy She said
Dashboard Conressional- Hands Down
Cyndi Lauper- She Bop
Greenday(?)-Closing Time
Pardon Me- Incubus
LeeAnn Rymes- Right Kind of Wrong
Loreena McKennit- Mummer's Dance
Portis Head- Glorybox
Queen- The Show Must Go On
Pretenders- Stand by You
Sheryl Crow- Steve McQueen
Stroke 9- Little Black Backpack

A little old, a little new, something fast, something slow, soft and sinuous, loud and hard, one of the best lists I've found, yet. *jams out to Queen, again*

Sometimes, you can jsut feel what they're saying, you know exactly how they feel, why they sing what they sing. Music is a release, it tells the story you can't put words to, gives you a soaring voice to scream out your fury and ecstasy. Music gives you the key to limits you never knew were there, opening the door to whatever's outside the box. Fly, and never look back.

Hah... I brought Chris ice cream today, to make him feel better from his accident. I hope he likes it... LoL I kind of wanted the one he took, but whatever! My second good deed for the day, right? Right! Ooh.. I gtg pretty soon. I'm kinda tired.


Anyway... the trips were okay, but let me tell you, don't even tell me that fishing is a lazy event. Jesus... I was so tired by the end of yesterday, me and Dad both, we left the boat semi-clean, everything in the car, I didn't get to take a shower because it was broken, and went to bed dirty. Yum, right? Well... Let me jsut tell you. If you'd been as tired as I was, you wouldn't have any comments for me. Granted, I ripped out one of the rod holders while we were backing into the slip becuase I didn't know to take it in- Seriously, who uses the piers to maneuver the boat!? Evidently everyone, but that's beside the point.

I got good pictures, you could check them out if you really wanted to - http://www.seayacharters.com/past.html I never thought I would say a shark was cute, but that mako? OMG... He was so small, he was cute. In fact, he was so small, we cut him loose and sent him back to get bigger. LoL