My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I'm like one aching, quivering mass of hurt. No brain, no feelings except hurt. Everywhere.

What else can I say? I do it to myself.

I am unlovable. You may like me, you may think you love me, but once D-cubed hits, you'll know better.

Meh... I'm sick of writing. I'm sick of explaining, of trying to be good when my sunshine still won't peek its face through the fog. Close Encounters of the Third Kind is on... I never saw the original.

The end of ET always makes me cry. I love it. ET, not necessarily the crying part.

Have I ever told you? I hate crying. Hate it. With a passion. It's all hot and wet and sticky... It jsut gets everything around you wet and your eyes get all red and puffy- crying sucks, hardcore.

Heh.. So I remember:

I like kissing you too much to be friends, but if you need time to sort yourself out- what this was all about to begin with, I can wait. This attitude will not leave until a decision is made so that I can act either way, though.

I hate being like this. I hate being so... down. I hate that I feel like I"ve been abandoned, even though I know I haven't. It's like there's two sides to my brain (Which there are, I know... Metaphorically speaking, duh!), and one side is Jeckyl, the other Hyde.

One side knows how ridiculous I'm being, how I should just... go find something else to do, RP, do whatever! That side says... Chill, they'll be back, they haven't abandoned you, you're fine! Two nights by yourself will not kill you, you have no reason to be so angry about everything. Be nice, be calm, be civilized, and things will be back to normal before you know it.

The other side, on the -very- far end, says... GODDAMMIT IT!! WHY THE FUCK DID THEY LEAVE ME!? I HATE THEM!! I HATE KATE!!! I HATE MATT!!! I -HATE- THEM!!! John's okay... I WANT TO DO SOMETHING!!! I WANT TO GO HOME! I WANT TO SPIT AND YELL AN CRY IN FRUSTRATION!!! AHHHH!!!!

I can't be friends with a boy I like. It just leads to fighting and screaming and hurtness, because I like him and can't have him, and I know it. I've started already... haha When i say all or nothing, nothing means... Get the fuck away.

Sad, huh? I'm such a jealous creature, I can't even stand ex-boys around me because I'm possessive as all hell. Matt wonders why I pick fights with him over nothing? Lmao I'm going to Cedar Crest next year. Fuck this URI shit. You guys are... HISTORY! Muah!

Oh my f'ing God. I am being such a horror-show right now. And I don't mean to, I jsut can't help it. I'm blaming it on PMS. I'm bored, which we all know is very bad for my temper, I feel left out- worse than possibly anything for my temper, and I've got no one to talk to anymore. Because I MAKE THEM FEEL HORRIBLE!!!

So, I'm going to rant and rage on here, where no one can get hurt, and nothing will get broken, except possibly m computer keys ,then I'm going to go out running and drink myself silly shortly after that... WHich reminds me... *Runs to put the whiskey in hte freezer... for later* haha Matt told me we were fools to let our alcohol get warm. Coming from an alcoholic, I'll take his word on it. haha

I don't know why I'm being so fiendish, but only really... to Matt, John, and to Kate if I didn't cut myself off and make up some dumb excuse as to why I couldn't talk 30 seconds into the AIM convo.

Matt, because at the moment I hate him- I dont know why, he doesn't deserve it, but nevertheless, I do.Probably a mixture of left-over resentment, bitterness, and unextinguished hurt, with a good dose of jealousy and lust mixed in. Great, huh? I want him, but I want to hurt him too. Wonderful how f'ed up I can be. And now that he's wary of me, I'm even more cruel, because I think he hates me, so why shouldn't I be mean? Lmao See what I mean? Soundproof room where no one can hear me, and I can't see or talk to them.

John because I'm dead jealous. Dead jealous that all three of them are gong away and leaving me to rot in this prison I call Narragansett in the winter. This is tempered by the fact that I really harbor no ill-will toward him, because he's never anything but nice. Honestly, what a great guy, and it's probably a good thing I'm not going because I'd jsut make their lives miserable anyway... *Shakes head* Oy.

Kate because... WEll... It's the girl syndrome. Girl gets guys, girl dumps all other girlfriends for guy. *shrugs* I should be used to it, I used to be used to it when I had others to hang with, but right now, with nothing to do and no other entertainment, I am sooo easily sparked, I'm ready to kill her any time she talks to me. And the only reason I bother making excuses to leave, whereas I kinda just shut up to John and openly spit-fire Matt, is because I know I'll be sad if she were to hate me after I'm done with this mood.

Not that I'd be indifferent is John and matt did, but... It'd be different. I respect Kate, and I know she knows my buttons better than them, and I'm really afraid that should I start, she'd start, and then after all was said and done, we'd both end up dead on hte ground. *ponders* Not a terrific scenario, if yo uget my drift.

So now... I'm going to watch Smallville, make sure Kevin doesn't piss me off too much with a good couple drinks of Vodka, and if I start geting pissy, sequester myself to my room with my stereo, headphones, and a good dose of Drowning Pool. And my new book. I might jsut make it to morning with those tools... Hopefully. If not, I don't like roses, so please leave something bright and cheerful on my grave. lmao

My sweatshirt is wet. The collar is soaked in the front... I hate crying. I hate the idea of hopelessness. I think that's why zombies scare me and American History X made me cry. I think it's also the reason why the scene where Brooks is released in Shawshank Redemption, the scene I jsut bawled over, makes me sob all the way through his narration of how outside life is so scary.

It's hopelessness. There's nothing you can do, there's nothing that will change. And it scares and depresses the hell out of me. My head hurts from sobbing so violently... That scene makes me so incredibly sad, I never fail to cry during it. And by cry, I mean enough to make my sweatshirt collar soaked and my cheeks feel all tight after the tears dry.

I was explaining this to Matt last night night, because after we watched American History X I didn't know what bothered me so much about it, and I figured it out. You can't do anything, because it won't stop. Hopelessness. I don't think he quite understood what I meant. I'm not sure many people would. It's just the idea of not being able to do -anything- while watching your world fall apart that gets the best of me.

It's not the mzombie movies, per se, that scare me, it's the very idea of... illness or some weird reincarnation, that gets me so scared. Same idea with gangs, institutionalization, and there are probably so many others, but those are the three I can presently recognize. God, it's so overwhelming.

Okay, so... we're trying out the friends thing. It seems to be working reasonably well- as well as can be expected, I guess. For all of you who are ready to jump down my throat and throttle me for being dumb, there is only one thing I can say: I'm doing what I think is best for this situation, and if you don't respect my decisions, and by extension my judgement, that's just too darn bad. You may turn out to be right, you may turn out to be wrong, but I'm doing the best I know how to do.

Anyway... So, he came up Friday night and today, and we hung out- watching movies, football, all the fun and sometimes idiotic things that friends do. there can't help but be a little tension, but it keeps things interesting, I guess. If I didn't want to kiss him so badly, I would probably be very content to leave it at this stage, because he really is a good friend.

I never really understood how people became so comfortable in a relationship, any relationship, that they could say anything, do anything, and that other person would just... roll with the punches. It's amazing, to say the least. I always find it incredible that my friends and I are as flexible as we are- don't hear from each other except for the occasional "Hello!" over AIM for 6-9 months, and then for the next 3, see ntohing but each other.

And in this way, it simply had me stunned that even though I'd been so mad at him and he knew it, we could work it out this quickly. Or at least, come up with a plan to work it out this quickly, and then want to spend as much time together as we have. He's driven 4 hours in 3 days to come see me for a total of maybe 10 or so, hang out with my parents, mush up my dogs, and help do housework.

It's something completely new- being able to just talk to someone about anything and everything, work stuff out without killing each other or never talking again, and just learn all new sets of skills that require open lines of communication. I love it. I think I know part of why people who have been married for years of have been seeing someone for years, go berzerk when they break up- starting over, anew. Starting over with someone who doesn't know your quirks, who can't be your foil for jokes on a second's notice, who doesn't realize the sensitive spots where a good rub is appreciated. I mean... Geez... It's like starting over when you've graduated. How do you do that??

So, I guess I've just realized how cool it is and why people seem to -need- their significant others- it's just nice being able to have someone who you can hang with.

And this being friends thing? Goddamn he's a good boy. Even me being my temptress self can't break the steel will, though I will admit I stopped after a while because I felt bad. haha But he has been a very honorable and "friendly" boy, and for that I must say I respect him more. Though I think it will take more time than I've given him, to really forgive what he did. He hurt me, and though he was sorry, I need some time as jsut friends, to learn from it and use it.

Note why I was -not- my temptress self today, heh

Anyway... Just an update, I'm sure I'll talk to you all later. G'ngiht and sweet dreams..

BTW... Johnathan Robillard is back in town. He's so nice! And... OMG. Matt? Next time, I've going to drag you to the goddamn party, because AHHH!!! SKETCHY GUYS ARE EVERYWHERE!!! We're talking 28 that looks like an alcoholic 35, trying his best to rub my leg, and I'm like... Yeah, I gotta go. ADIOS! OMG... ewwww!!