My sweatshirt is wet. The collar is soaked in the front... I hate crying. I hate the idea of hopelessness. I think that's why zombies scare me and American History X made me cry. I think it's also the reason why the scene where Brooks is released in Shawshank Redemption, the scene I jsut bawled over, makes me sob all the way through his narration of how outside life is so scary.

It's hopelessness. There's nothing you can do, there's nothing that will change. And it scares and depresses the hell out of me. My head hurts from sobbing so violently... That scene makes me so incredibly sad, I never fail to cry during it. And by cry, I mean enough to make my sweatshirt collar soaked and my cheeks feel all tight after the tears dry.

I was explaining this to Matt last night night, because after we watched American History X I didn't know what bothered me so much about it, and I figured it out. You can't do anything, because it won't stop. Hopelessness. I don't think he quite understood what I meant. I'm not sure many people would. It's just the idea of not being able to do -anything- while watching your world fall apart that gets the best of me.

It's not the mzombie movies, per se, that scare me, it's the very idea of... illness or some weird reincarnation, that gets me so scared. Same idea with gangs, institutionalization, and there are probably so many others, but those are the three I can presently recognize. God, it's so overwhelming.