We heard some news of my brother last night.. Not much, jsut rumors. But in a town such as BVille, the rumors are usually remarkably true. I am constantly amazed, anyway.

Last night was wicked fun! I'm not sure the party would've been as good without Kate and Kat, but it was fun nonetheless. I played air hockey with Matt and got hit in the face when he sent it flying at me... Of course, I nutted him with it, so I guess we're even. Unfortunately, Kat got he backlash of our mutual rough-housing and got one in the nose... Ouch! So while Matt was tending to her, Kosta jumped in and we played! He was a bit rough for me, though... I mean, I'm rough. We need -one- person to be calm and sane... haha

Josh was hilarious- in his usual stumblingly drunken state. I think this girlfriend thing has gone to his head... LoL But I suppose all the power to him if he can move from one to the next without any time inbetween.

I forgot how much I enjoyed Matt's company. In the time of being hurt by the various things that have been going on, I never really got to remember why I ever liked him to begin with. hah Sitting at lunch with him and Josh yesterday, we got called a 'comedy act' by Josh. I thought that was hilarious. Because honestly, it just wouldn't be the same without him... He is the inspiration for my humor, anyway! haha

OMG... Classes are sucking. I have so much work this weekend, and I am so not doing it right now... I am procrastinating! But procrastination is like masturbation. It feels great while you're doing it, but after you're all done you realize you're jsut fucking yourself... hahahah Dave's words of the wise.. lmao

I have interviews for ZETA in like.. an hour and 20 minutes. Yippee cayay, motherflusher. I have to tell you, wen I first started this rush thing, I was just doing it because it sounded fun. You know... Something to do on a boring night. More people to hang out with, blah blah blah. But honestly... After this week of rushing, I've found a group of people who are so passionate about who they are, together and individually, and incredibly just... awesome. These are the people who I want to be. I want to be like them- in my own way. And I've never before seen anything that has truly impressed me as much as these women have. Erin's story last night nearly had me in tears, reminded of how I felt when graduatin from high school and knowing that I would probably never see a lot of the people I had always liked. I hugged her, because I felt her sorrow and at the same time, her immense pride to have taken part with these incredibe individuals. It was amazing.

I'm so passive-aggressive. I'm not sure why, it's just... I walk into this house and I don't feel like cooperating, I don't feel like being nice but I'm too lazy to be openly mean, and I jsut don't feel... right.

I'm not sure why. I think I'm pissed at myself for not having the balls to say what I need to say, but it could also have to do with the weird mood this thing with my brother has put me into. I think it's more of the former than the latter. I jsut... I'm not right these days. It's nothing bad, jsut not... right. LoL

Katrina asked me how life was going, and I honestly told her, "I don't know." I have no idea what to say. I'm not bad, I'm really doing okay, but there's this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I jsut can't seem to get rid of. I don't know... It's weird.

Meh... I'm gonna head to sleep. I'm tired... And I have a long day tomorrow, and then a weekend of work, with play sparsely interwoven. Icky.

Still no word.

I'm so... I don't even know. Resigned? Hurt? Hateful? Spiteful? Violent?

If I ran into him on the street, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd really like to start working with a punching bag in case that possibility should come up. Because honestly... I want to take out of his pretty face what he's taken out of my family. And he's taken a lot. I'd prolly have to take his jawbone and maybe an eye.. LoL Okay, so maybe one good solid punch would get my point across:

You asshole.

Jeremy asked me if I was more angry about him or my parents. Does it matter? It all comes back to him. It all goes back to him being the person I am most passionate about, in both rage and love. I hate him. I love him. I -hate- him. I don't know how to feel about this... I'm not sure if I let myself feel anything about this, if -everything- wouldn't come spilling out in one giant unctuous mess, leaving me sprawled on the floor laughing around my sobs.

But you know what? Right now I'm fine. I cut half of Orgo 2, watched some Gilmore Girls, and came home to 9 messages of people worried about me! That's frieking awesome! I never really knew that many people cared! I got to confuse the shit out of Matt... which is always a good way to end the day, and Naomi and I had a good laugh. Now we know it must be a good day.

I feel like talking about this is taboo. maybe it should stay that way... Night.

Yeah... I've discovered how people feel when they get stuck in an avalanche- hopeless, helpless, uncaring.

Uncaring... Doesn't seem to fit, does it? After so much goes down, you jsut can't. You reach a point where you look around and think to yourself, "Why bother? It's just going to get worse." I'm there.

My words in the last post were true- most of them. Kate, you have been my friend- a very good friend- since I met you last year. Through thick and thin, good and bad, we have always made it through. Which is why I just can't understand, not even in -my- moment of need but Katrina's, you bail?? What is that? I'm upset with you because you ditched, lied to, and picked sides against, me. I'm uber-upset with you for doing the same to Katrina.

And that thing last night? What was that?! Dude, it was less awkward between me and Matt than me and you! WTF MATE!? How does -that- work?!

I'm going to leave a note on your door. Just in case you've decided that reading this is a bit too... blunt for you. I'd like to talk to you, try to work this out. I'm really really afraid that there's a kink in an otherwise good friendship... I really hope there isn't. I wish you would have come to me about the problems you had that related to me and my friends. Or jsut come to me at all, instead of telling everyone else and lying through your teeth to me.

Meh... I suppose this is our opportunity to get it out, and either move on or fall apart. I want to be there for you now... I know you're going to need someone who you can lean on when you're not feeling so good. And I hope you can understand my concerns, as well as the genuine coloring of friendship (in the guise of DQ) behind them.

I'm angry. And hurt.

Not at the moment. At the moment, I'm watching the Steelers play the Superbowl, and the Seahawks just scored a touchdown. damn. LoL

I jsut want you to know, darling, that your actions in the past week, have been unacceptable. In fact, since about New Year's, your actions have been unacceptable. You whole attitude has been shitty as hell, and I resent it. Intensely. So much so, infact, that I'm quite sure I will not be living with you next year; that is how much you've shown me with your attitude and loyalty.

Friends come above anything else- especially best friends and sister-friends. Honestly... I thought higher of you. I never thought a guy would come between us to this extent. To be quite truthful, I'm disgusted with you, and if you think I will be your friend in your hour of need, we're going to have to have a little chat. Because you're being a shitty friend and have been so for a long time.

Undoubtedly I will acquiesce, because I hate to see my friends, people I care about, to be hurt, and I will be there for you. But by forcing me to hold it all inside and deal with everything going on without any support at all, you have proven your priorities in a way that is undeniably inexcusable.

I will re-write this tonight, when I'm tired and I can really tell you what's up.

Katrina and Abby lines of the night:
1) "Bring Ally!" - Guess who!
2) "My pinks are cheek!" - Moi!
3) Doncocks = mix between donkey and peacock. AKA Peadonk.
4) "My mouth is dry but my lips taste like your name." - Chuck
5) Herpes AKA VD - Katrina
6) "Hey, there's a mop in your closet." - Katrina
7) Barbie - Both
8) "We are Satan." - Both??

Events and Situations:
Electronic drums gone bad.
Tie-dye is for queens.
We love Walmart.
Creepy boys are hott.

I feel like I have been stabbed twice. Not once, but twice. I don't even know where to begin, except... paranoia.

I really just want to walk away. I wish my home was closer, so I could live there and commute. I wish... I'm not living here next semester. I know this now. I've been hearing it all year from Miss Connie and Miss jane and Miss Linda. I can't. It's not a good environment for me. And this altest bout of drama is just proving it. It's not a matter of me not liking someone, or putting up with people's quirks. It's me -really- disliking who reacts how, in what situation. And... I've decided that preferring to live with my friends over living in this house is... not a healthy relationship. I jsut don't know how I'm going to get out of here.