Well, I'm a little bit... no, let's reword that... a LOT bit depressed right now.

It's almost that time of the month so... that prolly has a lot to do with it, but I've been here for a couple weeks, so maybe not. I swear, I go to bed nasty and wake up crying. I can't seem to get anything to work out, no matter what I do and... it's affecting my outlook, nevermind my sense of humor. I'm so negative about everything, that when I get a moment of positive thinking, it's like a brainstorm! "OMG!!! That's EXCELLENT!!! Where did that go??"

And yes, I love my horse, Rich. I love her because when I'm riding, there is nothing else BUT her and me and our relationship. There are no bills to be paid, no job searches coming up empty, no parties to plan and no people to please. She is ALWAYS happy to see me and ALWAYS makes me happier, more clear in thought. You shoot, I ride. Together, we'd make one helluva cowboy.

Which comes down to the last thing. Friends are wonderful. They are... gifts from Heaven. And I think the more I have, the better. So... thanks again to everyone who has made me laugh or smile these past few weeks, who has forced me to have a good time against my will. I love to laugh, but sometimes it's just too hard on my own. So I need you guys to help me find my smile. And... you did a great job!

I woke up yesterday shaking, really upset over a set of 3 dreams I'd had. They followed the pattern of the last 3-dream series from high school, though it was Russian-Matt who died in one of them this time. They weren't half as... personal as last time, but just as intense and vivid. I woke up with the thought that I had to call Matt and make sure he was okay. I wrote him a letter on Facebook instead, as I don't have his number anymore. LoL

The whole day I was jumpy and stressed, and the straw that broke it was Rich's myspace. I... sorta lost it. I am so stressed about this school year and finances and Poe and how the hell I'm going to study enough and... so many things I can't control, that this dream and Myspace (God, of all things! haha) finally made me crack. Mom's reaction was hilarious- "Want some wine?? Here. Have some wine. Drink this," as she shoves a full glass of wine into my hand, along with one of Dad's anti-anxiety meds. Oh no, we're not Type-A personalities at all in this house. hahah

I just feel awful... Not sick, though if this keeps up I will definitely get there. I just sent Paul's letter telling him I can't work during the school year ebcause of a class conflict, Frank's in the hospital which means Poe's still up for grabs and with Sarah breathing down my neck I feel like I need to be down there every goddamn day to safeguard and fend off offers (Probably helps, I note with sick pleasure and evil amusement, that the last person who came to try her out got a taste of why she's named after a bipolar heroine addict from the 1800's. She reared up and fell over on them. *Smirks* Bad girl, Poe...), I am stuck in this house I really don't think I can afford, without a job offer in sight.

"Walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head, living out the same old moment, knowing you'd be better off instead if only you could say what you need to say.." And this song lately, is one of few that makes me calm down.

Saturday was excellent! I had an amazing lesson with Poe and Rebecca. We worked on collecting Poe at the trot and canter, and... she's so awesome. Head up like one of those magnificent war horse statues, as she trots in place- not only is that super hard, but its a relatively high-level dressage movement- even moreso with the canter, and she pulled that one off with a little more pissiness but fine overall. I heart Rebecca like whoa, still. Then I headed up to Ikea with Alex and we (I) picked out his furniture- he got red cushions!! heheh I think they'll look good on his couch. And the table's really cool! The leaves tuck under the main table part! Wicked cool. Thhheeennn... Looked at a house which is null and void... And then headed to Erin's to hang with her and Cara (Cah-rah), her new roomie for dinner and dressup to go to Newport and dance like maniacs with Jenny, Emily, Adam, Rob, Carla, and Lisa (from HS-black hair) and her boy... God, was I surprised to see her! LoL

Yesterday was the KofC family cookout, where I was so bored I felt like laying in the sun and passing out, but once I got into the relaxation part of it, found it wasn't so bad, actually.

Oooh... There're two hummingbirds out on the sunflower right now...

Alright, enough writing, I feel sufficiently clean (mental-wise) to do some stuff around the house and go out in public with big hair. haha