I need help. I've come to this conclusion. I've reached the point in my life where I'm so... paranoid about how people don't care, that I 1) realize I'm being paranoid 2) don't want to talk to anyone for fear of being right and 3) don't ever write in this with anything substantial because... see #2.

Pathetic.

Last night, I pulled the plug on a conversation quite suddenly, because I knew where it was going. And today, that person basically told me that they were done with 99% of any contact. Right then and there. And I'm worried. Horribly worried. I don't think they're getting better, I can't do anything to help them, and... I think they're putting themselves out of reach.

My brother is turning 18 and if he does anything else, he can't go back, because he'll be an adult. ACI, no longer Juvenile Delinquency... We're going to get tattoos together but I can't help but wonder if it's even worth it. If I won't look back and shakes my head at the little horse on my foot, wishing I had never gotten a permanent picture on my skin to remind me of the brother that did so much damage.

School is really not that bad this semester. Busy, but not outrageously so. I have a couple things to do tonight, but as far as i know, it's not piling up. LoL It's always the stuff you can't remember, or didn't remember to write down, that kills you.

Sometimes, I miss having a boy around. Not any boy, THE boy. Not Matt, nor anyone in particular, just that person whom you put trust in, who you know well enough to predict when they're going to smile or if they've been hurt. Get my drift?

I feel naked without my car. I don't even have to go anywhere, I just hate the fact that I CAN'T go anywhere even if I wanted to. That sucks.

I have laura's copy of Gray's Season 2 on my bed... She wrpped it in celophane(sp?) then put it in a giant Ziploc baggie. I love her to death for being just as silly as me on a good day.

I called the doctor the other day to get help and she yelled at me. It's got me running scared. But I remember Carolyn's comment, "You haven't been you for the past couple weeks," and I can't not go. I laugh and it feels good, I smile and it feels good, but when I sit and sit and sit, it feels normal. I want a smile to feel normal again... Hopefully it will happen again soon.

My beta's name is Arby, he's blue and gorgeous. Right now, his water is cold so he doesn't swim around much, but with the addition of a heating pad, perhaps iridescent fins will flash and water will be stirred with the sheer volume of pent-up passion. The goldfish are doing well... I should name them. One is primarily white with only a touch of gold on his head and near the base of his tail, another is just plain light gold, while the third is bigger than the other two, and is pretty evenly divided between gold and white. The tip of his tail is white, turning gold halfway down... maybe I'll call him Sharky. He's always searching for a free meal like a White Tip Reef shark... *Grins* I think he bullies the others, too...

I put up a picture of Sprite and Codie yesterday. They have a cardboard frame, but it's shaped like a rhomboid, all slanty on the sides and whatnot. Then I wrote my favorite dog sayings around it in different colored sharpie and... it's cute. Sprite's looking at the camera with giant yellow eyes and you can almost see her thinking, "Oh! You surprised me! What are you doing there?" Sneaky humans... heh Always slinking around with those crazy flashy things.