My brother is missing once again, and though I prefer to think of myself as cold to the situation, I know through action and blankness of thought, that I am not. I want nothing but sleep and mindless activity, nothing of friends nor relatives, folly nor laughter. Just... sleep.

I'm having a "Waht if the neigbors find out?" thought in my head. If I feel this blank and dead and useless, would suicide really be such a horrible option? To take the easy way out- would that be such a horrible way to work it out? Drugs? Alcohol? Medication? Are they not all the same? Short, quick, EASY answers (answers or cuts in the maze hedge?) to a riddle that really cannot be solved? I do believe so. They treat the symptoms and not the problem.

But, is there really any way to cure this problem? Except perhaps by... by what? Cutting oneself off? By pretending the world is great and good and wonderful? By drinking oneself into a stupor if only to numb an already thoughtless mind?

How to fix this problem? I really think I am jsut tired... No need for hysterics or melancholy. Just sleep will work.

I hope.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 70% Stability |||||||||||||||| 66% Orderliness |||||||||||| 46% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||| 43% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||| 30% Dependency || 10% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||||| 84% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||| 23% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 56% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

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Moving back to school in a week, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Excited.
Nervous.
Anxious.
Afraid.
Giddy.

It kind of runs the gambit (Matt? A little help here?). When I think about it, I tend to focus on 1) seeing Dave and Kevin and Kate again, and get extremely happy about it, or 2) seeing Kate and Dave and Kevin and 'The House' again, and get extremely agitated.

I'm really truly afraid that by being hesitant, I'm going to screw everything up all over again. But I'm jsut not confident enough to go stomping in there like I own the place, like I did last year. I'm finding out how timid I am when I tell Andrew I won't even ask Kate if she'd be okay with helping to throw her best friend a 21st bday party. Or Dave, for that matter.

Things were left on such shaky footing, that I'm sure I'm being dumb, but I jsut can't help it. Self-confidence issues? My middle name.


So live your life as if everydays' gon be your last
Once you move forward can't go back
Best prepare to remove your past

Ghetto- Akon