Actually, I think I lied again- I know what's wrong with me- I'm a pahtological liar. I jsut can't help it. Like, I'm not a huge liar, I jsut lie when... I'm nervous? Like, not about doing soemthing wrong, but when people get too close, I lie to make sure they don't get any closer- to shut them down. What a great defense mechanism, don't you think? Damn! I'm so impressed wiht myself!!

Okay, so I jsut had an amazing coincidence, that I really would like to explain away, but simply cannot. Hah. Some of you may think me the biggest fool ever, believe me, I can understand completely. But, nevertheless, it's interesting.

So, jsut watched this ridiculously funny movie, Runaway Bride, and wow... Didn't I realize that the bride is in a similar predicament to the one I am in. I have no mind of my own, so therefore cannot sustain a relationship because I don't know what I want, who I am, what is happening, and therefore, cannot help but adopt certain mannerisms of that other person and an attitude 1) that they will like and find attractive, with no regard to what I care about, or 2.) that I think the other person may drop me for, because I'm afraid that I might have to go through my whole OCD cycle afterwards.

Like I said, can we say screwed up?

I admit, I'm extremely hard-headed, which doesn't help, becuase I think I know what I want, so I bull ahead, but when I find out that it's completely opposite, I just... change tack and throw myself into that, just as quickly, with no thought as to why I can't jsut find a track and stick to it.

There is, quite possibly, only 3 people that I have ever confided in, in my life, and well, I need to make myself very clear on one thing. Only 2 of these people are my parents. The third is just going to have to figure out who I'm tlaking about.

But, before I do anyting drastic, I am planning on some serious self-awareness talks, to figure out what the hell I'm all about, and right now? A walk in the woods with my puppies seems the right way to go.

You know... I lie a lot, and I don't even mean to!! It's jsut that I don't even know what I mean, most of the time.

Like, I told Nick some shyt that definitely wasn't true, but in a way, it is. Like... I don't know, I'm the most confused person on earth, I think. I don't even know what I think, half the time. But anyway...

I really do write down most of the crap that's going through my head, but yeah, the SB is there for the shyt that's really bugging me that should never be put on here because it will hurt others really badly. And usually, when it's something that will hurt someone that much, I don't even mean it all that much, I'm jsut really really angry at that moment, and need to vent. So... I write it in my SB so no one ever sees it and is completely hurt, but I sitll get it out.

Anyway... Sunday, (OMG, it's Tuesday, and I've been at URI orientation for the alst 2 days!) Nick and I decided to call it quits, not that there was much to call quits, LoL

But anyway... Today at Orientation, we had this whole workshop where you stood up if the statements that the group leaders (My group leader was so FUCKING HOTT!!!) said were true to you in any way. Well, I stood up for most of them, and I stood up for the one that was about date rape, without even realizing who I was thinking about, jsut standing up, and felt really really dumb for doing it right after, because I hadn't realized who I knew that had been raped...

And when I actually realized, I just wanted to cry, then hug them, then cry some more for them and what they'd been through. I also wanted to apologize for having been so insensitive to it earlier and possibly smack myself for having been such an ass.

*shakes head* Then we had to sign this sheet with all the negative things that we were going to leave there, and I wrote down, "dumb blonde," "so scared to be myself," and "geek."

PS. I met a really cute guy who will talk silly about flying squirrels, and we had fun! WOOT! I can make friends!! I met a girl named Crystal- she's awesome!! heh