Bad day, week, month?

So, you must be thinking, "It's September 8th, Sunday, at 0730- really, how bad can it be? Drama Queen." But that whole "time is linear" thing is still in effect, at least in this little corner of Woodstock, so last week/month's issues and events are still in effect and weighing on me (us). Also- sidenote- I now refer to me as us sometimes. I think I read somewhere that that was the result of truly starting to believe you're in a real relationship. Crazy, huh? Took me a bit.

Anyway.. Logan's Gramps died early yesterday morning. Angie called us around 8- I ignored her call, and am likely very glad, in retrospect, that I did. Sounds awful, but in truth, answering it wouldn't have changed anything I did, just would have made me a stressball who didn't get ANY sleep before the shit hit the fan. But I called her back a bit later, and found out that Ron (I can't call him Gramps. I stopped calling them Grams and Gramps the instant I hit the hospital, because I couldn't say that "Gramps is dying" in my head. It just.. I am selfish with my grandfather, and I refuse to give any piece of him up before his time.) had had a massive heart attack, and was ambulanced to UMass, where he underwent a triple bypass, but was now stable. What I didn't know was common practice in this family, was lying. LYING. Not only did they not call Logan at all- Shawn, Tara, YVette- to let him know what was going on, they actively LIED to the rest of the family. I can totall understand that with Angie- she is a fucking drama queen with hystrionic disorder who just.. what a fucking mess. I wanted to throat punch her most of yesterday and ALL of the night because, let's face it, I've definitely been through this- way worse than this- and.. I like to think I handled myself a bit better. Anyway. So.. When the second call came in, just after I called out of work on Sat and Logan told me I was being silly, and Angie let me know he'd gone into cardiac arrest, I did the Dad act. Dropped the phone, leapt out of bed, yelling at Logan to "Get up, get dressed, we're leaving, RIGHT NOW!!!" Told Angie I would call her when I got to the hospital, and took off in my very fast BMW, which safely navigated us the 45 minutes to UMass in under 30.

WHen we got there, Ron has underwent 6- not 1, not 3, not 5, but MANY- periods of cardiac arrest, the surgeon was performing a bedside pericardial window because they thought maybe he was having cardiac tamponade. As I watched, he flatlined twice more but they got him back. They closed, surgeon came out, Yvette watched the whole thing- and the whole night, really- with stoicism and grace I only hope to someday learn, thanking the surgeon and the ICU attending for all they'd done throughout the day. They didn't expect him to make the night, and the next arrest would likely be his last. Can we make him DNR? Yes.

We sat vigil until 4:55. He dropped his blood pressure so low, he had no pulse and the nurse couldn't hear a heartbeat, told us he had died and shut off the vent, around 1:30. The ICU attending came in, made some very angry gestures, and the vent went back on, after which he explained the nurse was incorrect and he'd still been alive- with heartbeat. He had been breathing around the vent, he couldn't explain it. At 4:55, his blood pressure went from 45/42 to 0, and the heart monitor went flat, and.. after the ICU attending confirmed it this time, we went home.

Logan is destroyed. We both slept the day away- I kept waking up to check on house, pony, dogs, as if they might be gone if I slept during the day. He finally woke up around 3:30, we did was needed to be done, and.. went back to YVette's to see family.

I miss him already. I feel like after my dad died, Ron kind of.. he became a little more important to me. We started doing breakfasts and we talked about house projects, and he was always around if we needed him. I looked forward to seeing them just show up while I was home. And sitting vigil just made me relive doing it for Dad. It was like I was expecting to look over and see that fucking hand flap all over again. Although I would have paid good money to have my family sitting there- at least we know how to crack jokes and tell stories when we're stressed. Everyone kept asking me questions I didn't know the answers to.. And honestly, all I could think was how I wish we'd had a chance to do breakfast the week of Labor Day. It likely wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe... maybe it would have. And poor Logan.. He lost one of his best friends, his dad, his rock today. I know how he feels, but he's so stoic. I wish there was something I could do, but it's such a personal thing. So, I hold him, I give him some space, I'm here.

Less stress, more issues

So, this year, I have TWO horses (not one, but TWO- and neither is a 2 year old ASB) living in one stall, with my other stall as a hay stall. When your hay shed blows over in the winter, then you revert to plan A. I have no arena, no place to ride, two buddy sour horses who are nuts, and... I'm surprisingly less stressed than I was last year. If my Blog is anything to judge by. Don't get me wrong, there might be moments when I look like a stressball, but overall, I'm super excited about my arena coming in next month, and.. this little hiatus is just what I needed. Time off to remind myself WHY I like riding. And.. Sherwood is getting next winter off. It was so much easier this winter just.. not worrying about keeping her going every day.

Also, I found a trainer for the Andi-bug that we love, and.. I'm hedging my bets in case things go like they look like they might with Jess Halliday. It seems so awful to me to be looking for a trainer in case my "younger than me" trainer dies of cancer. I feel like a real asshole, but at least I'm a prepared real asshole, right? And besides, I just didn't want to bring him to Jess- since she was the one who effectively told Jenna about him. A degree of separation, yah? Did I mention I'm getting an arena next month?? Soooo excited!!

On the other hand, there are major improvements going on in the house this year! It's amazing what not taking weekly lessons, XC schooling, monthly board, riding daily, etc. can free you up to do! Financially AND time-wise. This new job is very very handy for getting stuff done. So.. bathroom upstairs is demo'd to the studs, the subfloor is getting replaced, I have the tile for the shower and floor picked out. I also have some gorgeous flowers planted- ALL of my flowers that I bought have been put into the ground! All my bulbs, and I even got some seeds started!! This year has been amazing- no watching sad wilty plants die just because I'm too tired to put them in the ground after work, projects actually getting done, it's awesome! Sadly, I think a lot of it is because my mom has been trading off days here and days at her house, so we get the big stuff done.. But she starts work in 2 weeks. So sad!!

Logan started his new job at Dudley Highway Dept and has been working there for about a month now, and.. It's better for him. He has health insurance and benefits- woot!- time off with pay and sick time! They don't kill him physically like Hilltop was, he's getting a solid 40 hours a week, and he hangs out with the guys from work... It really has been a good move for him. I'm so happy he's feeling better about his career, and he has been way more.. pleasant to be around lately.