Okay, i take some responsibility... Whatever. It's all my fault for what I care right about now. I've had a very good day, and I didn't hide under the covers all day. It was awesome. Anyway...

I love these fanfics by Catalina. Mainly, i've only read the ones about FF7,but damn. They are awesome. Sink To The Bottom with You is the link, go there. Wicked good! Anyway, so... Yeah. I'm tired. g'night.

Why, every time that life starts looking up, does something jsut kick me straight back down to where I belong? Why can't I jsut be let alone? You know... Live and let live? Why does the shit fairy ahve to come sit on my shoulder?

Well, the charter was fine, kinda boring as usual. Then i got home and went out with Linds and Jeremy. It was fun. We went to Panera then Kohl's, then to the park, where the cops caught me and Linds being swing monkes... LMAO. Go Monkeys!!

And then I got home and went online. And well... it jsut went straihgt downhill form there. Seriously, why do people have to stick their noses in where it definitely doens't belong? If two people are haveing a disagreement, let them have it. And let them get over it. Or let them not get over it. Whatever. But, don't stick your ownlong beak into it, because it will get pinched, it always does. Believe me, I've learned through many personal experiences.

Anyway... I quit. I'm hiding under the covers for the enxt three days, and no one will ever get me out, because the one thing that I love most on my life is being taken from me, by people whom I used to think were my friends. I think they still are, but honestly, I'm not sure. Would friends do that to you? Would friends make you want to hide from the world for three days in a ratty sleeping bag that once was airlifted by a giant galoot named BFF Samson? I just don't know. It;s these idisyncracies of the world that make me wonder if I'm the crazy one, or if it's just life and you learn to live it by surfing through it. Like... For the majority of the time, you jsut ride out the little, rinky-dink small-town carnival waves, but every once in a while you catch the perfect one, and you ride for a while, feeling the awesome power beneath you, within you, and as you streak across the clear, sea-green surface of the water, you run your fingers through the surf, feeling it in your hair, on your skin, and you wonder what could ever match this experience. You are a God, powerful and invincible. And then, jsut as the peak of your emotions, you hit a rock, the surfboard goes up, and you're fished out of the water with a broken leg, stuck on land for 6 months.

I think I jsut hit a reef. And the sharks are nibbling at my toes, checking to see whether they need a knife, or if they can manage it in one bite. I don't know. I don't want to cause trouble, but honestly, I don't know if I can get over what's bothering me. And it's the fact that I've finally, after years of not being able to really settle down and get interested and really work at something I used to love sooo much, found it again, and I'm going to have to quit because I'm stuck, it kills me. I was in tears, frustrating pouring out of my eyes and streaming hot and furious, down my cheeks.

I ask one favor... One little thing, because I need to think and I need to chill and I need to talk and I need, need to figure this out, and these friends, they won't even think of giving me my one request. It wasn't even hard. It was... jsut give me a week. Just give me till next weekend. Let me be by myself, be on my own, jsut let me FIGURE IT OUT, until next weekend. Just elave me be for my 2 hours of bliss. Just let me enjoy what I love doing... Don't bog me down with politics, which is all this is, and don't make me think of consequences, jsut for 2 hours. Just let me enjoy what I love to do before I quit. Because that's what it's going to come down to. It always does.

I think of quitting horseback riding, and I jsut can't even think of it. I've never been forced out of it... I've usually jsut wandered, mainly ebcause I've not had a choice. But usually, it's because I couldn't find a ride, or my instructor left, or... something equally depressing along those lines. Never ahve I been forced to quit by politics. And I find this sad. Maybe I will go to Ohio to college, see if I can make life easier out where no one knows me, and where no one, if no one knows me, no one can make me regret knowing them. And I find that sad. I regret knowing you. Both of you. Because I'm not sure if you're my friends, and you're killing me.

As a last note, this blogger, for anyone who doesn't understand, is -MY- blogger. It is not your blogger, or Georgie's blogger, or little boy blue's blogger. It is MINE. And in it, I write whatever I damned well please. And if you don't like what you read, whether it be about you or your mom, or your stepfather's dog's best friend's pet cricket, then here are two words of advice for you: Too bad. This is my place to write what I need to write, to show what I'm feeling. I thought I was doing some of my friends a convenience in making this, as I know I'm rather hard to understand sometimes. But, seriously, if you don't like what you read, about what I'm feeling, then don't read it. You don't have to , No one's holding you at gunpoint, making you read my blogger.

And as another side note. WARNING: As a warning to whomever should dare to call me a retard, stupid, or something otherwise degrading, I won't take it anymore. I've taken the blonde jokes, the rude remarks about my intelligence, the cracks about "How stupid are you, really?!" BS. Guys and girls, if you ahven't noticed, there is a brain beyond the locks of blonde hair, and though it appears to be in absence at times, it's not. Ever heard of defense mechanisms? No? Well, Mr, and Mrs. Intelligent, go look 'em up! This is a warning. Please don't do it. The comments are extremely hurtful, unappreciated, and completely uncalled for. You tease the animals at the zoo because you know the bars hold it back, right? Well... these bars are crumbling. Don't give a reason for them to completely disappear. Please. I like my friends, even the ones about whom I'm doubting at the moment. I like you, I respect you, and generally, I'm even nice to you. I don't want to blow up, ruin friendships. Don't do it anymore, please. Please.

That is all, goodnight folks. I hope this clears up some stuff that's going on in my head.

Okay... Well, I prolly shoulda read your blogger before I wrote in mine this morning. I didn't ahve a chance to look at it yesterday, but I made a mental note. Now... Darlin', I know I've done stupid shyt in the past, and then lied about it. Yeah, I admit it, and I understand why you don't believe me. But geezus christ, people!!! I DO NOT FUCKING TP HOUSES!!! Do i need goddamn testimonials from everyone who knwos me(A lot of people!) and has ever gone TP'ing with me (I've down it once!), and who has been TP'd and thought it was me (Chris, KERRI.)? First off, if you're goign to accuse me of soemthing, at least get your facts straight when backing up your argument. I did not TP CHRIS'S HOUSE. I do not TP houses, because it is disgusting. remember me? The girl who had TP all over her car for a week because it rained after her pals TP'd it? Oh yeah... learn lessons, don't make same mistakes.

And second off, you could bring it up to me, instead of being a pissy person, and acting wicked rude, until I finally leave with an away message, that jsut voices my confusion. I seriously thought it was Jeff or Kyle, though bhy Kyle would talk like that to me, I'm not sure, either. So, next time you suspect me of doing something that I did not do, or anything for that matter, please bring it up to me, instead of confusing my already confused self, and, as coming by the new rules of my pact (explained below), I will tell you the truth. Probably, I did do it, because I'm a really bad person for doing crimes... I always get caught! LoL But, if I didn't, then... well, I'll tell you and you can either beleive me or not. But this cloak and dagger shyt... It's despicable!

Anyway, more about the pact:

There are a few rules, it was actually my birthday pact. I made it with myself, for my own survival. A few thing sI've learned over the years come into play here, mainly rules on how to keep friends, and stay out of trouble with them.

1) No lying. Unless you're planning a surprise party or something good for the person... Then you're allowed a bit of leeway, in which case you have to verify with the person after the event, everything that you lied about. Note: No lying does not mean that omitting certain things is not allowed. I can omit facts from the story. I jsut can't out and out lie about them.
2) Stay out of the rumor and BS circle. Don't get involved in telling, sharing, spreading rumors, etc. Especially ones that will come back and bite you in the butt, or the person who they're about. Now, occasionally, I do get out of line and clearly step into the red with this rule, but i am trying.


As of now, those are the main rules. So... please, take them into consideration, I've thought quite a bit about them.

Anyway... I went out with Aims last night, it was wicked fun! We took the minivan and headed down to Brewed. They didn't have raspberry smoothies, oh dear God! So, she had a lemon one, and I had a weird coffee-ish one. She hated her, because it was so sour! Lol So, shethrew it away in Target, which is where we went guy scouting after Brewed. LoL Boob called, and askd us what she was doing, then founf out I was there, and told her that "the only guy you should be looking for, is me, both of you!" LMAO. Wicked funny! After that tidbit of advice, we headed up to target, and bothered Alicia, who really was happy to see us, then checked out Mickey Mouse TV's and beanbag chairs. (Whoo Beanbag chairs!) After that, with an hour and half, we went over to Brennan's. As I was turning around in the circle a tthe end of his road, I'm looking in my rearview, and thinking, "Who is this jerk on my tail!?" hah.Big red truck, Craig's silhouette in the light... Down go the brakes... Check out the brakes on that truck! lmao So, I parked in my usual spot, and headed up the hill with Ally and Craig, and Aims.

I learned a few things I didn't really need to know, thank you Craig..., and had fun time talking to Sara and Brennan. She is really pretty. Like... really pretty.

LMAO... Minivans are good for something. Being undercover. I saw Joe on my way to Aims, and this kid, wicked funny, I wave at him, and the last thing I see of him, h's waving, but his mouth is kinda open, and he's looking confused. So, I drive up into Aims' driveway, and hop out, and she's like... Whoo! Minivan!!! LoL

Okay, now for the serious part. Yeah .. right, this is me speaking. Seriously, who gets serious?!

But really... no. Can't do it. I told you, I jsut vcan't seem to get serious these days. Life is such a fucking joke, all the time. And i know it's not, but it sure seems like it. Like a play that someone else is directing, the symphony roaring on, the actors frozen in place, the curtains sweeping closed, the finale due to come at any moment, before the second half goes on. And life goes on, Life goes on.

And that folks, is the best I can come up with, for how and what the hell I'm doing. Nothing...Just palying my part. I do beleive Shakespeare was right when he compared the world to a stage and we are all the players. Ever wonder if there is fate or a God? where did time come from? Like, what makes us go forward in time? Or, what makes us different from one another? Yeah, some smartasses will answer with the answer of... "Genetics!" And I'll answer them with... Okay, do you die when your body goies into the earth, or does it wander, or does it simply get reincarnated, or is there nothing simple about it and you can do anything? How does genetics explain the memories someone had, of a completely different past than their family? Now... repressed memories, brought down through genes are entirely possible, especially considering that 90%of our brain isn't used- that's a lot of storage space. What's the toehr 90% for? Ever wondered that? there are a lot of theories, but hoenslt,y I think maybe humans, as a group, aren't ready to find out what's up with the other 90%. maybe it'd harm us as a species? Whatever is it, knowledge of the past, ancient past, powers of telepathy, ESP, other things. Maybe humans couldn't handle the responsibility of being the masters of that 90%. Hell, what would we use it for? To destroy each other more effectively? How wonderful. Just wonderful. Ever wonder if there was another, advanced society before the dinosaurs, one that destroyed themselves just as it seems we might? But, scientists say, "the earth is too young to have had a great civilization before us." Egotistical snobs. WHo knows, is really the answer.

Okay... so maybe a bit serious? But... overall, not too bad of a morning, LoL

Hmm... So, Linds got in a fight with Mr. Matt. Hmm... releived or kind of sorry? Eh, both, sort of. I wanted to meet these guys, ebcause they seemed really cool, even if Matt was a bit obsessive, but hey. Everyone's got their faults.

Giz left this morning... And I guess I'm not such a psycho that I can't even cry when my favorite leaves... As if she knew that I was sad, and dying inside, as soon as the little boy went to get her to put her in the car, Giz came racing over to me, and started whining, hanging around my legs, hiding from them. Wicked funny.

Gtg. Meagan's ehre top bring me to the park!