revenge only feels good while you're doing it. Soon as it's over, you feel like an ass, and want to take back everything said, done, thought, everything.
Honestly, though, it's been over a few seconds, and I'm still feeling pretty good. Maybe it'll kick in in a few.
"I want people who can see beyond their own noses. Who can spare five seconds to type or say, 'Gee Ab, Happy birthday,' or 'I'm so sorry your Memere died.' I want people who care." I am so sick of people who constantly tell me, when I'm with them, that they care, they really want to help, I should call when I feel bad, they love me, etc. etc. etc. FUCKING ETC.
You know why I don't call, SB? Because you -don't- CARE!!! I don't call you to tell you what's happening, ask if I can come over and talk, offer to go to Panera for breakfast to jsut hang out, because I'm so sick of your "caring". You don't give a shit about anything but yourself, and I'm disgusted with you. Silent Screaming? Do you know what that is? It's me. Late at night, when I bury my face in the pillows and scream for all the things I misjudged, all the people I thought were friends or family. Silent Screaming is when the tears stream down your face when no one's in the room, the door is shut, and the music is blaring so no one can hear the high keening of a soul in so much pain it can't stand it. Silent Screaming is what I do when no one's looking.
At least I always knew that Ala didn't really care. She cares, but not in a way that would allow me to call her when I was going crazy over something. Christine is so busy up in college, drinking, partying, sports, friends, I would never expect her to spare 5 seconds for an old friend. Way too below her current standards of jock-ness. Hell, she might have to pull out a photograph to remember my face, it's been so fucking long.
Cat? Oh yeah... Like he's ever been there when I needed. Only one night, and that was a loooong time ago. Before I was forgotten just like all the other temporary highs he's had. Great friends I have. Maybe I should just sneak into your houses one night and steal every single picture, erase every single aspect of me that has ever entered your life, so you at least have an excuse for whisking me away.
Why am I even bothering to write this? Because I am so angry, so pissed. First off, none of you. Repeat: NONE OF YOU said happy birthday to me, even though you probably were online and saw my away message, from 11 the ngiht before to 2 the morning after, about how I was a birthday Girl. And THEN!!! AND THEN!!! NONE of YOU bothered to call, bothered to IM, bothered to do SHIT!!! when my memere died. I'm shaking, crying, Silently SCREAMING that I ever called you friends, that I allowed you all to get close enough to hurt me this badly.
I know who my friends are, who my family is. Go on with your pathetic existences, but count me out. I'm done with all of you.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Just so no one thinks I'm being insane. This is not about Memere.
I am disgusted. Completely and totally.
My reflection just completely tweaked. And yet, I can't safely say that if I had been doing the same thing, I wouldn't have -done- the same thing. Eh... tough call.
I'm really sad... I feel like I lost my best friend, which, in a sense, I did. And now... Now I am really tired and want to go to bed, but I'll miss what I'm trying to say if I do. I feel like I can see my own downward spiral. It really scares me. Now, neither Matt or Naomi will play, and I'm forced to sit on the sidelines.
I wish I could apologize, but there's nothing to apologize for, because there is no choice between actions. And if there is, I try for the high ground, when in fact, most of the time, I feel like the low ground. does anyone know what I'm talking about? No? Good. I'm going to sleep.
Moving furniture tomorrow... Thank you Matt for the offer, but no thank you. I'm afraid of what might happen.
I am disgusted. Completely and totally.
My reflection just completely tweaked. And yet, I can't safely say that if I had been doing the same thing, I wouldn't have -done- the same thing. Eh... tough call.
I'm really sad... I feel like I lost my best friend, which, in a sense, I did. And now... Now I am really tired and want to go to bed, but I'll miss what I'm trying to say if I do. I feel like I can see my own downward spiral. It really scares me. Now, neither Matt or Naomi will play, and I'm forced to sit on the sidelines.
I wish I could apologize, but there's nothing to apologize for, because there is no choice between actions. And if there is, I try for the high ground, when in fact, most of the time, I feel like the low ground. does anyone know what I'm talking about? No? Good. I'm going to sleep.
Moving furniture tomorrow... Thank you Matt for the offer, but no thank you. I'm afraid of what might happen.
I guess it is affecting me. I can't seem to get the energy to do anything. Except listen to music, watch Mulan, and type random, useless things. I want to go home, but I know if I do, I'll just cry more about things not related to Memere. I still want to go, but I can't get up, dressed, packed, and walk up to the parking lot, never mind drive all the way to Burrillville.
I jsut sit here, listening to Loreena MCkennit, Dido, Nickel Creek, any any other songs I can play full volume without listening to, and... do nothing. I should go home. I should be with my family. I should be sleeping with my doggies in hte backyard, after having a good cry into yellow blankie, and missing all those who in times past, I could have run to and bawled, knowing they would sit there and listen and then give me something to do, to get my mind off it.
I thank everyone for the birthday wishes, all day long, it really made me happy to have so many friends who cared. And I thank those who have offered me support today. Such polar opposites in such a short time.
Lindsey, I don't know what I would do without you. You are always there, no matter what. You are a friend in the truest sense, and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have you around.
Beth, thank you for the kind words... I appreciated them more than I could possibly express.
I jsut sit here, listening to Loreena MCkennit, Dido, Nickel Creek, any any other songs I can play full volume without listening to, and... do nothing. I should go home. I should be with my family. I should be sleeping with my doggies in hte backyard, after having a good cry into yellow blankie, and missing all those who in times past, I could have run to and bawled, knowing they would sit there and listen and then give me something to do, to get my mind off it.
I thank everyone for the birthday wishes, all day long, it really made me happy to have so many friends who cared. And I thank those who have offered me support today. Such polar opposites in such a short time.
Lindsey, I don't know what I would do without you. You are always there, no matter what. You are a friend in the truest sense, and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have you around.
Beth, thank you for the kind words... I appreciated them more than I could possibly express.
I think if anyone were to ever design some.. gene, perhaps, that eliminated shock, I would be one of the first to beat that idea down, Quick.
I remember 9/11. I remember watching the TV, hearing about it through my teacher; I remember having the rest of the day off to watch it in the auditorium or the cafeteria. I remember walking around, trying to be as solemn and depressed as everyone else, it seemed, and just not being able to feel -anything- about it. It was sad, for sure. But it didn't sucker punch me or anything.
I'm having another moment like that, right now. Since the call came at 7:43... exactly 25 minutes from right now.
"Ab, are you sitting down? Bad news."
"How bad is it?"
"It's bad. It's Memere."
"How bad?"
"Ab, you know.. She passed away this morning. We were too late to say goodbye, by ten minutes."
Throaty (I'm sure he thought I was crying, but I had actually just woken up.) little, "Okay."
"Mom and Dad will be calling you later. I jsut wanted to give you the heads-up right now. Are you okay?"
"Yeah... Yeah, I'm okay."
I can cry about retarded little things, but this? this just bites the cake. I'm so glad I went to go see her last week... Surprised her. I can tell you how I'm going to go through my day. I'm going to tear up every now and then when I get an especially good image of her in my head, but for the most part, I'll be pretty normal, maybe a little quiet, just wishing people would shut up and quit trying to comfort me because I'm not Fucking UPSET! If I have a break-through, I may cry a lot. It's never happened before, but... I hope it will this time. No... I will go around, feeling guilty because I just can't seem to... care. Complete apathy, beyond the momentary spurt of sadness. Just complete.. blah.
Well... I suppose, as well as people stepping on your feet, not letting you cheat at pool, and overall just not being as nice to you, Memere's can die the day after your birthday.
God I'm selfish. I'm so ashamed to post this.
I remember 9/11. I remember watching the TV, hearing about it through my teacher; I remember having the rest of the day off to watch it in the auditorium or the cafeteria. I remember walking around, trying to be as solemn and depressed as everyone else, it seemed, and just not being able to feel -anything- about it. It was sad, for sure. But it didn't sucker punch me or anything.
I'm having another moment like that, right now. Since the call came at 7:43... exactly 25 minutes from right now.
"Ab, are you sitting down? Bad news."
"How bad is it?"
"It's bad. It's Memere."
"How bad?"
"Ab, you know.. She passed away this morning. We were too late to say goodbye, by ten minutes."
Throaty (I'm sure he thought I was crying, but I had actually just woken up.) little, "Okay."
"Mom and Dad will be calling you later. I jsut wanted to give you the heads-up right now. Are you okay?"
"Yeah... Yeah, I'm okay."
I can cry about retarded little things, but this? this just bites the cake. I'm so glad I went to go see her last week... Surprised her. I can tell you how I'm going to go through my day. I'm going to tear up every now and then when I get an especially good image of her in my head, but for the most part, I'll be pretty normal, maybe a little quiet, just wishing people would shut up and quit trying to comfort me because I'm not Fucking UPSET! If I have a break-through, I may cry a lot. It's never happened before, but... I hope it will this time. No... I will go around, feeling guilty because I just can't seem to... care. Complete apathy, beyond the momentary spurt of sadness. Just complete.. blah.
Well... I suppose, as well as people stepping on your feet, not letting you cheat at pool, and overall just not being as nice to you, Memere's can die the day after your birthday.
God I'm selfish. I'm so ashamed to post this.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
So... I was nervous, but now, now that i have some input and everyone seems to think the change was good, I'm much less nervous. I also checked out the links, they all work, and... I'm excited. This is awesome.
Anyway.. .The reason why Lindsey (heh!), the photography buff, is going to bend over backwards to kiss me, is because the image in the background is actually a picture I took of a surfer walking out to sea, after messing with it in paintshop and paint. Such a good deal. And... I'm just wicked excited. It is so cool looking! I have to fix the font thing.. .I forgot to specify Times New Roman. Dammit. LoL
Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday Dear MEEEEEEE!!!!! Happy Birthday to ME!!!!
Anyway.. .The reason why Lindsey (heh!), the photography buff, is going to bend over backwards to kiss me, is because the image in the background is actually a picture I took of a surfer walking out to sea, after messing with it in paintshop and paint. Such a good deal. And... I'm just wicked excited. It is so cool looking! I have to fix the font thing.. .I forgot to specify Times New Roman. Dammit. LoL
Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday Dear MEEEEEEE!!!!! Happy Birthday to ME!!!!
Adios patchwork, Aloha surfer-guy.
The whole time I was designing this new setup, I had a tight, hard little lump in my throat, especially when I published it to give the whole thing the "new look." Such apprehension, I wonder how long I will love this setup, I mean... I have the old one saved in a corner of my computer, all ready and waiting if I should get too scared, to back out quickly. My foot is tapping, a rather normal occurence, but this time it is of nervousness. What if people don't like it? What if... what if... Not so much worried about other people, just... anxious. The first thing I've ever attempted with CSS.
Gtg now... More later, for sure. Bye bye! Dinner time!
Ps. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
The whole time I was designing this new setup, I had a tight, hard little lump in my throat, especially when I published it to give the whole thing the "new look." Such apprehension, I wonder how long I will love this setup, I mean... I have the old one saved in a corner of my computer, all ready and waiting if I should get too scared, to back out quickly. My foot is tapping, a rather normal occurence, but this time it is of nervousness. What if people don't like it? What if... what if... Not so much worried about other people, just... anxious. The first thing I've ever attempted with CSS.
Gtg now... More later, for sure. Bye bye! Dinner time!
Ps. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Monday, April 11, 2005
I am really tired, yet staying up. Heh. Don't you love the sense that makes? I think iI may take a nap... at 9:49 pm.. *blink* it seems fuzzy logic, even to me.
But... I have rockets to blow off tonight. It's going to be GREAT! And I think we're heading to Heathman for some pool... maybe. I'm not sure about that... I kinda, at this point, jsut want to lay down and sleep.
Meh.. Whatever. Naptime, and then I'll go do my birthday stuff... heheheh
At this particular moment, I am very much satisfied with the world. I don't know why. I mena, I got a 67 on my chem exam and it hasn't been the most wonderful day, but... it was normal. Nothing weird, nothing crazy. I got some work done, and... I've got nothing pressing on me. What a great feeling.
But... I have rockets to blow off tonight. It's going to be GREAT! And I think we're heading to Heathman for some pool... maybe. I'm not sure about that... I kinda, at this point, jsut want to lay down and sleep.
Meh.. Whatever. Naptime, and then I'll go do my birthday stuff... heheheh
At this particular moment, I am very much satisfied with the world. I don't know why. I mena, I got a 67 on my chem exam and it hasn't been the most wonderful day, but... it was normal. Nothing weird, nothing crazy. I got some work done, and... I've got nothing pressing on me. What a great feeling.