revenge only feels good while you're doing it. Soon as it's over, you feel like an ass, and want to take back everything said, done, thought, everything.

Honestly, though, it's been over a few seconds, and I'm still feeling pretty good. Maybe it'll kick in in a few.

"I want people who can see beyond their own noses. Who can spare five seconds to type or say, 'Gee Ab, Happy birthday,' or 'I'm so sorry your Memere died.' I want people who care." I am so sick of people who constantly tell me, when I'm with them, that they care, they really want to help, I should call when I feel bad, they love me, etc. etc. etc. FUCKING ETC.

You know why I don't call, SB? Because you -don't- CARE!!! I don't call you to tell you what's happening, ask if I can come over and talk, offer to go to Panera for breakfast to jsut hang out, because I'm so sick of your "caring". You don't give a shit about anything but yourself, and I'm disgusted with you. Silent Screaming? Do you know what that is? It's me. Late at night, when I bury my face in the pillows and scream for all the things I misjudged, all the people I thought were friends or family. Silent Screaming is when the tears stream down your face when no one's in the room, the door is shut, and the music is blaring so no one can hear the high keening of a soul in so much pain it can't stand it. Silent Screaming is what I do when no one's looking.

At least I always knew that Ala didn't really care. She cares, but not in a way that would allow me to call her when I was going crazy over something. Christine is so busy up in college, drinking, partying, sports, friends, I would never expect her to spare 5 seconds for an old friend. Way too below her current standards of jock-ness. Hell, she might have to pull out a photograph to remember my face, it's been so fucking long.

Cat? Oh yeah... Like he's ever been there when I needed. Only one night, and that was a loooong time ago. Before I was forgotten just like all the other temporary highs he's had. Great friends I have. Maybe I should just sneak into your houses one night and steal every single picture, erase every single aspect of me that has ever entered your life, so you at least have an excuse for whisking me away.

Why am I even bothering to write this? Because I am so angry, so pissed. First off, none of you. Repeat: NONE OF YOU said happy birthday to me, even though you probably were online and saw my away message, from 11 the ngiht before to 2 the morning after, about how I was a birthday Girl. And THEN!!! AND THEN!!! NONE of YOU bothered to call, bothered to IM, bothered to do SHIT!!! when my memere died. I'm shaking, crying, Silently SCREAMING that I ever called you friends, that I allowed you all to get close enough to hurt me this badly.

I know who my friends are, who my family is. Go on with your pathetic existences, but count me out. I'm done with all of you.