First off, I am tired. Waaaaaay tired. I am going to bed in like... 2.3 minutes.

I'm pretty sure I frieked out Erin tonight. I don't usually let people see how intense I can get, especially when I'm driving a group of people. I know that when I'm in the car and the driver gets upset, I get really nervous about them driving, so I try not to do it to other people. But I'm sorry... She just pushed the wrong buttons.

I should have a giant sign: "Do NOT push the 'Poe' button. Danger to self and others." It's been almost a month and a half. I should call Wendy. I know that. I know that and I think about it every day, at -least- once a day. But the only reason I think about it is because people bug me about the fact that I don't want to think about it. I don't get it.

Don't you realize how... touchy that is? Don't you realize that I put so much of myself into her that when she left, I lost pieces, and still haven't quite gotten them back? And that hole is back. That deep, dark sinkhole in my heart that nothing fills quite like "my" horse.

Do you realize that I have taken one lesson since then because it. just. hurts. When they left me alone to groom my horse, I broke down crying into his neck because it hurt so much. I seriously though of just putting him back in his stall and walking away. At one point while I was riding I couldn't see because tears were streaming down my face? I blamed it on the cold.

AND THEN... people. well-meaning, good-natured people come. They see the situation. They know how much I could use that money. and they start poking... and prodding... and pushing.. and I take it, quietly at first, getting louder, getting more angry, getting more violent, until they hit the "poe" button and then LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! comes screaming out of my mouth as tears come in torrents from a face too red and blotchy, and fists balled up at my sides. Just. Leave. Me. Alone.

I am a perfectly responsible person. I always do what is expected and necessary. I rarely fall out of line. On anything. So maybe, when I look you straight in the eye and tell you I'm cool with it, you should just take it on my word that I am willing to let this one go. And by willing, I mean giving it a solid kick in the pants and not staying to watch the door score a hit on the way out.

In any case, I'm pretty sure I frieked Erin out tonight. She got a dose of intensity that no one should have to deal with sober. Sorry. You hit the "Poe" button. I'm sorry.