So... I'm so excited! I went riding this morning, and was so happy! This horse is so cute! His name is Rival, and he's a 15.3 track Thoroughbred. His nickname's Buddy, but screw that. No name for a Thoroughbred, especially a little punk-ass like him. I love brats... they make my job interesting... me and Dad headed to the barn this morning, and honestly, I was a little worried. My dad hates going to the barn, it's so boring for him. I can understand, he's dragged me to mroe than one baot show, Lol God, can we say die of boredom? Lol But, I think he was actually having fun when the little shyt started acting up on me... It's always fun to watch someone get their ass kicked by a horse... Granted they don't get too hurt. Well, I was getting my butt aimed at, when he started veering into the center of the arena, and my cues weren't being taken. So, when I asked her what she usually did, and she basically gave mer permission to use force if necessary, I gritted my teeth and did what had to be done. Meaning, I beat the crap out of his ribs with my feet... She never offered me a crop, though she told my dad that she always rode him with one... Another test. Tests within tests... Like those movies where people backstab another, then trick everyone else... A surprise. LoL

I think she was really quite pleased when, by the end of the "trial," I hadn't gotten my butt kicked, and beside the obvious, I didn't kick his butt.

Now, onto the better subject of tonight... I'mnot sure what I want t do. Like, I feel like I have to go to Carolyn's, and god knows, I used to have fun some of the time. I wish I had more time to play aroudn with. Then I could definitely go to two different parties... As it is, I'm screwed. I don't feel like answering the phone upstiars... Spose I have to. Too late. Didn't make it.

Heh... me and mom are heading to Smithfield, to go check out a bookstore there, so we can grab a coffee, sit down and read some books. I can't wait... I don't have to work until 6, so... I'll be home free until 5:30ish or so.

Yay! I'm in such a good mood! Woot! Granted, I can't pull my legs together to save my life (courtesy of riding, thank you!), but God... Who needs to do that!? LMAO

Wow... You can tell it's late and I'm tired. I'm actually thinking about some stuff. How weird, right? I'm thinking how pleased I am that I was invited to not one, but -two- New Years Eve parties this year, and also, how happy I am to be loved and to have friends this time of year.

I was invited to Katie's which was basically a given, since me and her are actually pretty decent friends- well, maybe a bit more than that, but why mess with somehting that works? I was actually pretty hurt when her mother insinuated I was a boozehound, but really, I swear that some people are hurtful jsut to be hurtful. And beyond that, I have something I need to bring up with katie herself... Why does she need to tell me these things her mother says? She knows they hurt me, even though I try to put off they don't. *sad little smile* Maybe she really doesn't realize?

Anyway... So, when Carly invited me tonight and asked me to go to hers, I was so shocked, I forgot that I was already going to one, and immediately said yes... So, I remembered, and told her I'd go for a little while, then head to Katie's... Good trick, considering I'm working until 10. I'll figure something out, I always do. But, thank you Carly, I mean it. I miss you guys sometimes... Beleive it or not, I really do.

Oh man... I jsut got a temper on Matt, and I really didn't eman to. But, without even a Hello, Just, "Do you know where katie is?" I kind of lost it for a minute... And by then, I was too far gone to back down. Stupid girl. I hope he reads this, it says what I cannot say, becuase it's not me.

On a more pleasant note: The Mystic was fun! I loved the Sea Lion show and the beluga whales and everything else, but I felt kind of bad for the two sharks they had all cooped up in a tank. They didn't even have any pretty coral or anyhting,jsut cold steel holding them in, with windows for people to poke at them through... *shrugs* It made me sad. But, the Rays, matas and stings, were awesome. I got addicted to the Ray petting pool, LoL Spent like, 1/2 an hour petting the rays, heh! I'm such a child.

Woot... Going to Mystic today... Yeah... Gonna be fun, even if I'm going with my dad, bro, my3 year old cousin and her parentals... Should be fun. *forced grin* Actually, I am kinda excited, but I think I would've been moreso if I had thought to invite a friend, LoL Oh well... Dah me? heh

LoLI make absolutely no sense... LoL

Am I really so blunt that one cannot even try to be sneaky around me? Or... not sneaky, as me and katie discovered, but instead, covert? I hope so. I really hate people who have to hide their intentions, whether they be good or bad. In fact, it jsut pisses me off. Granted, sometimes it's fun, but most of the time, jsut come out and say it, becuase hell... Who's going to know what your intentions are, because it seems that even you don't know! Like, flirting... Can't we all jsut get along and jsut be like... Yeah. I like ya. No. So, I understand the amount of courage it takes to come out and say that, though I'm not sure why it's such a scary thing... maybe like the taboo about losing your virginity? Eh? Whatcha say to that? is it jsut this mindsey that contemporary society has betrothed to us, whether we like it or not? Hmm.. I wonder.

My nails are so short... I bit one off so now when i touch stuff, like typing, it hurts... So, I'm not typing with my index fingers. it's sick. Hah... I can type 60 words per minute, without using that silly little "hands on these keys" deally. hah/. You suck! Anyway...

I have a thing to do with a horse this morning. Woot! So excited... And it's fairly close to home, and hmm... Just so excited! heh Tell you more about it later. Hasta luego!

Whoa... Ever had that feeling where the minutes are ticking by like hours, the seconds like minutes? Then, all of a sudden, something happens and the time is zipping by, until you don't know where it's all gone? Well... I think I'm having a week like that. Christmas was dragging through... Blah... Until Christmas Eve, and then it was like... Phew! Where'd the time go? And then, Christmas Day, I was jsut kind of blah-ing again, enjoying myself, but not really having a ton of fun... then Zooom! At the basiles... It's a weird world. I swear.

Anyway... I have this feeling like soemthing bad's going to happen. Maybe I'm just hungry. I don't think so. maybe. Eh... no. I dunno. Maybe I'm sick? Nahh.. nothing but my stomache's acting up. The hell... What's wrong with me? Oh wait... I know. I've come to the conclusiong that 7/8of the paycheck I made this week is going towards a membership to a YMCA... I'm not sure which one,though... *shrugs* whatever! LoL But, I need to get involved wiht something, whether it be swimming, running, aerobics, whatever! I jsut need to do something... I hate feeling like a slug... And besides, I don't fit into my nice jeans anymore... LoL Great holidays... hehe (Lying, I fit, but jsut barely. But I hate holding my breeath for long periods. Gives my face a bluish kind of tint. Ugh!) I'm going to a barn tomorrow to check out what may become my new project, which would save me from having to go to the Y... Riding in echange for stalls. Hell... I used to love doing stalls in the summer... I hate the cold, but hey... riding? Hmm... Free riding? LoL And I was in such good shape then... granted, clean ten stalls, ride 2 horses, then walk a mile to work my ass off some more? No shyt I was in good shape! Lol That was one thing Clarissa was good for... Keeping my butt in shape... hehe

LMAO... The good old days. I can't wait till track starts up. Then someone will make me work... I wonder why no one realizes this... I really do want to be muscular and all that jazz, I mean GOD!!! Why do you think that, with even a hint of authority in your voice, I'm up and running? Geez Louise!!!

Anyway... Enough of me whinign about how fat I am... LoL I'm gonna have fun tomorrow!! YEEEAH!

Whoa... weird dream. I was walking up and down 102, and I lost track of what street I wanted and ended up by Gator's, becuase I ccouldn't see, ebuase these big trucks were in my way. So, when I made it to Gator's I started abck, because it wouldn't be easier to walk from Gator's than, say, East Ave, to my house. So, I kept walking, and I finally saw the street I wanted, but when I took it, I ended up in this weird rendition of Villare Retirements COmmunities... More like Elmhurst than Waterman Lake... and whoa. It was scary. Nothing was done, so these people were filing in and nothing was put out, so while I was rushing aroudnf or plates, I was getting yelled at for not getting food, etc... It was jsut bad. And finally, it wasn't even my day to work!! I was supposed to work on Saturday! ACK! And then my alarm clock went off, and I woke up. Thank God.

So, yesterday turned out to be a wicked lot more fun than I thought it would. Yay for friends! heh Well, first off, I opened gifts... So much good stuff, but at the top of the priority list was the annual Carbon Abbanda picture, which will be coming out soon! hehe Oh man... If you only knew! So, I got a lot of cool stuff between my paretns and relatives, including neato socks, a kick-ass shirt "Save a horse, ride a cowboy." LMAO!!! from my ever-hilarious cousin Steph, and a really good pair of swimming goggles... I CAN SEE!~!!! maybe now I can learn how to breathe, yes? heh

After that, I went to Juice's to give him his gift... Now, don't ask me how it happened, but I spent 2 hours at his house, and let me tell you, I thought I 'd stayed there for maybe an hour...And i don't think he hates me as much now... He might even be able to stand me. How interesting, LoL!

After that, I went home and hung out for a bit until Christine called and asked me if I wanted to do soemthing. I immediately jumped at the idea, so she came over, gave me a haircut then straightened my hair, which, may I add, is still straight. Holy Crap! Then, we went over to TCapp's, where Domini was dying of boredom, and Chris, Juice, TCapp, and DCaff were all playing poker. So, me and Christine livened up the party a bit, then to get it going even more, we added Kim and Bucci into the mix. Now -that- was off the hook! lmao.. Not really, but still fun! hehe

So, then i went home and had a weird dream, and got up at 7:15 to get my bro to community service... Sucks to be a big sister... *fall over dead* Welcome to my world...

Okay... Highly insecure right now... ready to just... Crawl in a corner and blink at everyhting... I hate WINTER!!! And it only gets worse from here... Can't wait till track season. Better yet, can't wait until I can find a distraction... No.. actually, I really don't want a distraction... Just.. some fun. Yeah. Some fun... *insane ramblings of a crazed mind*

I'm really tired... Where's my big bro when I really need him? Oh wait... playing Madden Online! ACK!

1. Are you male or female?



2. Describe Yourself



3. How do you feel about others?



4. Describe your current/ideal boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse:



5. What would you rather be doing?



6. Describe where you live.



7. Describe how you love:



8. Share a few words of wisdom:

Okay... I have no idea what the deal is with Linds anymore... i think I screwed up big time yesterday... Oops? And it's not even what's down there... In fact, my stupidity amazes even me... Now what was going on in my head?! Oh wait... Nothing? yeah, that seems to be the norm nowadays! Dah! *shakes ehad* So, last night, I got the best christmas presents from the girls... They are all so cool! SB, thank you so much for that wicked cute purse!!! I am using it right now... well, now -right- now, but you get my drift! Chrisitne... Those gloves? hehe... So much mischief... Katie, Oh man... Panera!!! Panera!!! hehe Now, Ala, I know youtink I'm hot... But seriously! I thought that was our little secret!! God... Keep it in your pants, girl!!! *smirk* Luv ya!

Christmas, huh? I have so much to be thankful for, I don't know where to start. I know all my friends have a big part in making me as happy as I am today, the Original Crew as well as The Brewed Crew... Heh. I have the Smithfield peeps to thank, you guys were and are awesome people... I hope you know I luv you still! Hmm... Now, to find something to do today. heh. Yeah...

Oh man... I got Richie's CD, and it's wicked good. I had to drop by his house yesterday to grab one... me and katie, the dynamic duo, are back. Watch out, Burrillville! heh

Why is my dog spazzing out... again?

Linds is freaking out at me for this comment I made on Ben's blogger... lmao How dumb can life get? I mean, really... Hw much i it going to matter in a year? There is so much other shyt that someone could be frieking out about... Like, Saddam Hussein's capture... Televise it... I want to hear what he says. *growl* There is so much I could say and really get off my chest, but for respect and memories, I leave it. I think it's time that instead of trying to be friends like we used to be, we should jsut... chill. Because obviously, I'm sick of the drama, the pussy-footing, skirting around the truth, and the frustration. That's all there is. Love it, leave it. Maybe that'll be my life motto.

New Years... Maybe I do want to drink... Hell, shouldn't I at least be able to say that I drank once in my high-school life? ugh... I don't want to drink. I don't even like the smell of alcohol... and what the hell's the point? There would be none unless I got dead roaring drunk... and then who knows what I would do? Oooph... Not even worth thinking about... Bright Night, here I come! heh

So, I'm going to church. I haven't been to church in eons. Well, since first communion, so... I don't know, 10 years or so? LoL OMG... I can say that I haven't been to something in a decade... Holy shyt, I'm getting old. Granted, I could say stuff like that since I was ten, but god... I am serious right now. Oof. A kick in the gut. LoL

Heh... I wish I was cool. LoL

Lmao... If anyone ever read this, and didn't know how much of a spaz I -really- am, they would think I was merely really moody. LoL But anyway, I'm kinda uncertain right now. I feel like, after seeing all the people at the table today, and how they got along with everyone there, it seemed, but me, I was kinda depressed. It seems like I'm in a slump... I don't want to go back to the old group, because first off, I don't belng there, and second off, we don't like each other, as a rule. But, I can't get into the new group, because I'm a dork who doesn't think at all like them, and don't even know where to start. I think, if I stopped trying to be something they wanted, I would be fine. But it's so much easier said than done. *shakes head* I was I were stronger. LoL Have faith in thyself!!! Yeah, right. Well, I suppose that could be my new motto. Becaue, well, I'll try it on a small scale. Actually, I already have, and it's worked out. me and chris are decent friends... We get along and can talk about so many different things. It's awesome. So, yeah... I can get along with them, but I jsut ahve to relax, and don't be afraid of not being soemthing they want. If they don't like me, well... someone else will. Screw it.

LMAO... I've got to sound so insecure... LoL Well, here's a hint. I AM!!! hehe Well, anyway... I think I'm going to go sit, by myself, and watch TV, on a Friday night... *shakes head* How pathetic can you be? LoL

YEAH!!! I got accepted into my first choice college, with at least 11,000 in scholarships!!! HOLY CRAP!!! Unfortunately, it's about half a country away, but hey... I guess i won't have to deal with some of the stress around ehre, right? LoL It'll jsut be so much more stress about work... heh.

Anyway... It was so funny. My dad left this message on the answering machine, about how he had a huge surprise and I shouldn't leave, but I had to go to work, so when my mom called me at work to tlel me that I needed to pick up milk and had to come home before heading to my friend's house, I was slightly worried. I thought maybe my dad, who has serious problems understanding that his idea of a "great surprise" and my idea of it, are usually 180 out. So, I was rather worried, to say the least.

When i got home, I was really quite surprised that my mom wasn't mad at me for forgetting to get milk, as well as the fact that all three of them were perched on the edge of their chairs, ansd when I walked up the stairs, they started jumping around, and telling me all about the big surprise. *grin* I was so relieved... I thought it had something to do with perhaps, we had the first charter of the season, or something, already lined up... LoL

So, after that, like the true ditz I am, I had to go to CVS for stuff, and knew chris was working, so i found him out back, and in the pouring rain, ahd to tell hi mthe whole story, give him a hug, then fly into my little buggy off to juice's house. I knocked on the door, and his sister opened it, and I jumped around, then we jumped around in the ddoorway when i told ehr the good news, and then i went racing up the stairs to Juice's room... LoL

He was so not excited, it kinda brought my back to earth, but when I went back downstairs, his sister and me jumped around a bit more, then i left, jsut as happy as before.

Distinct, Provocative, Strong, Beautiful.

All words I want to get used to,
Words of power and words of health.

All of this I want.
A wealth, a plethora, a treasure,
Enough to see me through the good, the bad, the ugly.

Of wanting, of waiting, there shan't be any more.
I'm done with dreaming and wishing,
Of begging myself to listen.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am provocative,
I am woman, I am me.


Wow... A sudden new appreication, I think I need to buy that book... It started out as me thinking it was a comedy, but when you read through it, and finally reach the end, you gain a greater udnerstanding for the true reason why feminism started, the true reasons for women sticking up for themselves, and the few good men that will accompany them, allying with them for a purpose of common good.

And I feel so strong right now, becuase I have a new knowledge under my belt and a new strength in my heart. Thank God for good books.

You provide strength during the good times and the bad, for yourself. But, soemtiems, others and things are needed to bolster that, and whew... I found a source of strength, beyond the daily doses of Christine, Mosherishness, Jeremy, Ala, SB, Chris, and the other people in my life who can cheer me up on a daily basis, giving me the willpower to live through the bad, and float through the good. Amen to that, Sister!

PS. A future goal- to figure out what a "good male" is, what my guidelines for life are, and copy down the Commandments for being a Free Woman. And also, quit regretting the past, the bad decisions made, and the seemingly never-ending guilt for cheating myself and others out of an experience worth having.

I hat eyou,
WHy do I try to be human,
In a world that doesn't care?

I hate you becuase you don't ahte me, you jsut don't care.

I hate me that I can't hate you, just can't hate.

I want friends, need them, but can't ahve them..

Why does anyone like me? I'm a horrible person.

I lie, cheat, steal, hate, love, cry, sob.

Don't touch me, I'm tainted.

I'm evil, and all i want is golden hair and white wings, and a halo.

I dont hate you, I hate me.

Hate, hate, hate, it doesn't even look like a word.

Hooker hurts, wanton cruelties.

Someone hug me, tell me it's alright, tell me I'lll be okay.

But there's no one, because I'm ugly and mean, and cruel and stupid.

And at the moment, I believe it.

Wow.. Talk about pulling the rug out form under me. I was really kind of excited to go to Charlene's party today, you know, get dressed up and dance and have some fun with peopleI haven't hung out wiht in so long. It was going to be great fun, right? I mean, so what if I could only go for the last hour- at least I got to go at all!

Yeah. Right. I remember why I don't hang out wiht them any longer. And I hate the fact that I let them get me down like this.. I really was excited to wear that skirt... it was short, yeah, but it wasn't -that- short, and it looked nice with the shirt and jackety-type thing that SB fixed me up with... I want to cry... I was crying.

I came home saying how much I hated them all, and all I want right now, is for someone to cry to. For someone to tell me that it was them who were wrong, and I really did look nice, not like "Hey Hooker" material... But I don't ahve anyone because all my friends went out together without me and I went out with some people I thought were my friends... What the hell is wrong with me?

I remember why I don't go to Papa Gino's, or birthday parties, or anything. I jsut don't belong, and it's so hard to go back to being odd man out. I haven't been in so long, and going back, it's like when I had no friends at all, jsut people who I hung out with. Like i was saying to mom the ohte rday.. I'm a jock, or a punk, or a rock band groupie, or soemthing... But I'm not one of them. And it's so hard... Why can I jsut be liked for who I am?

Went to New York today!!! Woot! First time ever! yeah, bought a pomegranate!!! LoL I boght one from a side-street vendor, who I haggled with for the price. Wicked funny. We finally agree on $1.50, the original price on the sign... Funny how that works out, right? heh I'm such a shitty haggler. LoL

Wow... if you heard me talking to Jeremy the other day, you would think I was the most self-conscious, had the lowest self-esteem, and the least amount of self-confidence ever!!! I was bashing on myself all the time, being such a dork... LoL And if you acutally counted up how many times Ii bash myself in this thing, you'd be like... Whoa, this girl sucks at life! LoL I need a new sense of humor!! *laugh*

Anyway... We went to a Christmas carol The Musical, at Madison Square Garden... There were about a million other schools there... I was in like... second to last seats at the top, and whoa... I could jsut see htat the girl's dress was red... Or is it ORange?!?! Better yet, is that a girl!?

But, I was really impressed and would definitely buy tickets to go see that exact same show jsut for two scenes that I fell in love wiht. The scene where Marley's ghost was proving he was real, was simply amazing. The blacklights and the paint on the people's clothes? The effect was AMAZING!!! And the ballet of the Ghost of Chirstmas yet to be, the simple yet extremely effective beat as they sang and danced was... well, to be quite honest, AMAZING!!!! LoL Am I being repetitive? heh

The we were let loose, Me, Missa, corey, Dan, Andrea, and St. Louie, with Ms. Blissmer- we went o nthe subway to Ground Zero- how depressing. That's all I hav eto say... I really felt crushed there... Like, I ddin't feel any sadder than I did the day it happened, but I guess that I could just... see the destruction and it crushed me. So, when we went by St. Paul's Cathedral, I reuqested we stop in, and while everoyne else was busy, I sat in a pew and prayed, something I haven't done in hte longest time- Mainly becuase I don't beleive in God. But, I guess that you hav eot beleive in something at moment like that, becuase afte rI was done, something made me feel better. I don't attribute it to God, but jsutto the fact that I let some stuff off my chest that has been sititng on my for a while.

The... We went through chinatown, and I bought a pomegranate, and checked out all the hacks on Canal St. I almost bought this awesome scarf, but eh... my mommy's making me one for Christmas and I have on in hte back of my car. Lol

So, then, with an hour and a half left, the gorup decided to get lunch... So, we went to little Italy, and were standing in front of a little group of restaurants, and checking out the specials at this one, when we decided to go to the next one down. At the exact moment, a guy came out of the one we were standing in front of, and basically hauled us inside by the arm... Wicked funny watching Ms. Blissmer being yanked around by a guy smaller than me... LoL

So, we had lunch... chicken parmigiana with penne pasta for me... which included bread, soda, more bread, balsamic vinegar and oil, (OMG DAN!! I love you for showing me that bread thing... So good...) and the main course. All of which was, as I told the man to bouts of laughter fro mthe cooks, Primo Delische--- How do you spell that? LoL i figured it was okay, because we was calling either me or Ms. Blsismer, Bella, all through the meal. what a funny guy.

On the way home I slept for the alst hour or so, but man... corey's feet STINK!!! And Andrea, please do not ever take off your shoes again... Lol Wicked fun day, lots of great food, entertainment, friends, etc. I love New York! LoL

So... Has anyone ever had something creep up on them because of a scent, or sight, or something that reminds you of it? Well, Buns did it to me. Lmao Yes... Bread rolls.

I remembered theses particular rolls from an old job, and from there it went on to Mrs Glick, Molly, and madeline... And wow. I miss them so much... But I don't think I can ever go back, simply ebcause I'm afraid of what I'll encounter... I know Molly was diabetic, and after last time, I don't think I could handle it if anyhting ahd happened to either her or Madeline... Oh man. Madeline. What a great old girl. I loved her; she was someone you could talk to, and joke around with, and I don't know... The fact that I knew she liked me back, even though she pretended to hate me, was great. Anyway, I remembered that all because of those rolls... And I was in a bit of pain from what happened alst time. I'd have to say that that time with Mrs. Glick had traumatized me... Who knew she had Alzheimer's?

And... I remember today speaking about, to Jeremy and SB, how people, if you look at them in a different mindset, can be beautiful no matter what they really look like. And it seemed to utterly cool that I could turn somebody who would hold no appeal over me, into someone beautiful, just wiht a different mindset... But i guess the mindset is the hard part... Well, maybe I'm jsut really tired... But I hav eot get up at 5 tomorrow, so... I'll ttyl!

Oh man... I feel like I'm going to die, but I'm so happy right now. Like, I have the worst ramp in the world from swallowing so much chlroine... Ugh, But, I am so excite dthat I made it through a swim practice deally... Well, mostly. WHat do you expect, I havne't done anyhting even remotely resembling a workout since May, June? LoL Go me! heh

It's not even funny how much, even though I really am in decent shape, and even got through tonight with what seems like won't be too bad tomorrow (I definitely coulda done more), I really love to work out... I am so proud of myself afterward... I don't even know why. I know I'm in decent shape, but jsut proving to myself that I can run 4 miles if i wanted to, or I can swim with the team if I really wanted to, it's just... Whoa... You can do that if you really want to.

I dunno. I think that's why track was such a big deal to me last year, even though I guess I didn't show it very well because my boyfriend at the time didn't even show up at any of my meets, (yes, that is one of the biggest sore points of that whole deally.). It was simply because, and I don't think anyone really understood this but maybe my mom, I've never ever ever in my life been able to run a mile. Like, my best times in middle school were nothing better than 12:30. And I used to try my ass off. So when, believe it ore not, by the end of track, I could run 5 miles in 35-45 minutes, I was so proud of myself. It was sick. Anyway... I'm jsut really proud oy myself, and really happy. YAY!

Thank you christine for dragging me along, I would enver do it on my own!!! heh.

LoL, So yeah... Juice was sick for the alst few days, and I was kinda worried yesterday when he still wasn't school, so when me and mom went grocery shopping, we decided to grab him some chicken soup... Then that turned into a chicken soup and a card, in a bag, brought to his house. LoL So, I brought it over, and wasn't surprised when he looked like death warmed over, but I bravely gave him his care package, and put on a brave smile in the face of death... heh. (Juice, if you read this, you really did look bad. But no worries, man, so long as I don't get sick, I still luv ya!) So... yeah. My big adventure for yesterday... *snickers* Actually, the adventure was catching up to the kid. me and mom went to his house, he wasn't there. So, we went to his work, thinking he was much better, nad he wasn't there. So, we went to go back ot his house, and i saw him pull out of IGA parking lot. So... I grabbed the apckage and hauled ass down the street, to see him zoom off. Went back to the car, and saw Chris go zooming by, so I guess they were going someplace, compeltely forgetting that Chris was working, and was so headed there. So... we went about the 500 again... For the thrid? fourth time? LoL We went back up to his house and finally were very surprised to find his car there... What a goose chase! LoL

Footsteps on the stairs,
Dog barking below.

Knees quaking,
threaten to buckle,
Why do I do this?

"I wont' be your winter...
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry."

Presents cast aside,
Feelings thrown in the gutter,
A Jew's treatment in 1939.

Maybe she should jsut turn
and Run.

So afraid,
So quiet,
So not Me.

To Ala: Just keep walking, just keep walking, Just keep- RUN!!!!!! Oh man, we could stalk those guys... WHat cool bumperstickers!!!! girly, if I didn't ahve you, soemtiems I swear I'd go nuts... Seriously, who talks about milk and couches? lmao... YeahWhatever-his-name-was!! Go you! heh

A tear falls from marble cheeks
Day by day, week by week.
And every day, with moments gone, passed away,
The memory of he who sleeps forevermore, lives.
On shoulders, a weight no scale can weigh.

This, this poem is to Rohan, whom I didn't know, nor even met. I think, if I actually came out and said that I was really sad about him dying, the people that really knew him would get in my face and start screaming about how I didn't even know him. At least, they'd resent that fact that I thought I was sad, while compared to them, I couldn't possibly even be on the same scale.

But, honestly, I think my sadness isn't really for him, but for the people who knew him, who are sad. I can feel it, like a shroud, just suffocating some. And for that, I'm really, very sad. I jsut can't help it.

Ever had that feeling where you know if you stop and think about something, you'll get so caught up you'll never want to move again, so you jsut keep yourself going, by any means possible? It was a day like that. I knew if I stopped and actually thought about anything, I would be sad and melancholy until I got going again... So I didn't. I'm very good at hiding, even from myself... Years of practice. So, I drank a bottle of Mountain Dew, and couldn't form a single coherent thought for the rest of the night... Yowsah. Way to be hyper, blonde, thoughtless.

Okay... Faber won last night. Yay! I was so excited for them, if I hadn't been so tired, I'm pretty sure I woulda jumped up and down and been all happy-like, like I'd been for Richie. But, as it was 12:30, and I was completely ready for bed, I managed a few hugs and a few bleary-eyed congrats goodbyes before dirivng home and zonking out on my pillow. Dreamland was pleasant, thanks for asking!

Honestly, I think that A Blind Prophecy did really well, which was also reflected by the difference of what... 2, 3 points? between winner and runner-up. So, I was all excited when Mr. Siner showed up. That guys is so funny, I luv him! hehe (*nods along to Your Winter by Sister Hazel* Why do you choose your pain if you only knew how much I love you?! Love you!? I won't be your winter, I won't be anyone's excuse to cry... We can't be forgiven. And I will be here...) I love this band... They're so good.

I really need to be working on my english essay, but I forget what it's supposed to be about. Oops? *grin* And I have a calculus quiz on Monday... *pout* Poop. I think the campout scheduled for tonight is... messed up. Maybe not. Okies... gtg upload some piccies, Adios!

I saw this on Jeremy's blogger the other day, and figured... hell, why not check it out? So... here goes nothing.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

~ Paranoid and Schizoid... Only about wolves in the hottub. Then I get a little paranoid. But generally, there aren't any little green men waiting to abduct me and do "experiments" on me. heh.
~ Schizotypal and Antisocial- Hmm... Lemme look at these definitions. Definitely schizotypal... Didn't I tell you I was psychic? Oh wait... Your shoes are green! Antisocial... "A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others." Yowsah... Guys, watch out, I have no conscience!!! So, what esxactly is it, that makes me unable to lie to most people? *blink* Maybe it's my innate sense of righteousness.. If I think different, then it msut be so, and so everyone should know exactly what I think! There we go... That's it!
~ Borderline... Um... Hmm... YOU FRIEKING PSYCHO BIT- Can I offer you a cup of tea?
~ Histrionic... Okay, so who hasn't faked sick to stay out of school? Really... LoL nahh...I am a bit of a histrionic, I admit it. I live for mischief, heh. *evil grin*
~ Narcissistic and Avoidant... Well, duh? No one's good enough for me, and I don't like people to begin with. Kind of limiting my options for a future, huh? LoL Oops... Gotta quit that!
~ Dependent... Oh man. No more to be said about that.
~ OC... heh?

I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I just want to be...numb.
I've honestly this this has been the worst week of my entire life. I've had to make so many hard decisions and hear so many things that I just don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be Kerri, the 17 year old girl, who let allowed her life to blow up infront of her face. Its so much more then I can handle, and I'm on the verge of breaking down. All I want is one person to tell me they've actually gone through the same thing I did, just so I know what I have to do. But theres never a person in the same exact situation as me, and I'm just alone. Always alone but never willing to let it show.
I have no clue whats going on with my relationship of almost 2 years now. Its seemed that in the past week, its been torn to shreds. All I wanted to do is be with him and I can't. So I put off the pissed off aggrivated Kerri and just seem to make things worse for me. I just want someone to love me. Is that so much to ask from one person? I desperatly want things to go back to when we were both happy. But it seems not that that's impossible. Theres no way to turn back now, and it seems theres no reason to go on anymore. It seems to me that everything we had is now gone. And what do you do now? You think that you should try and move on and not call him every 5 minutes to try and find out whats going on with us, but I just can't. I don't want to let everything we had go, but its already slipped away and I don't want to admit it. I try and hang out with my friends, but I just cant. They've all got someone their still happy with after this long, and it just makes me even more depressed. I'm depressed that I'm lonely and everyone else has something I would die to have back. I'm alone. Plain and simple, and I think that destiny has already paved that path for me.

I'm so stressed out that I may say things one way but mean nothing by it. And I know I have a very sarcastic sense of humor, but I can't help it. That's the one thing I can call my own right now.
So, now that everythings off my chest, I'm going to feel this way for the next few hours, days, weeks, maybe even month. I can't take what I've let happen to me, and I just need some time to get past all of this, or even some answers to all this confusion. You don't know what its like to be truly depressed until you actually are.


Hi... I edited part of this. for privzacy and what-not. Not really sure how reads this, but kerri... trust me, babe, I know how you're feeling. Whereas you had a boyfriend for 2 years, I have been on and off with several boys, none of whom have amounted to a long-time boyfriend, for different reasons. But anyway... That's not what I'm trying to get to.

Ever had that feeling where all of a sudden, when you wanted to say something really heart-felt and meaningful, you suddenly jsut don't want to, and you curl up back in your shell? yeah. Well, I jsut curled up. Nevermind. I don't feel like talking about it. *nods* Yup.

Let's jsut leave it at this: it's been rough lately, I know what you were feeling like, though whether my pickle helped or you're still feeling like this now, I'm not sure. So, I luv ya darling, and I'm sorry we can't talk more.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

I miss it now
I miss being able to say the way that I felt
I don't miss us so much as
I miss being something to you

-LGLF (The good ole days.)

I found this the other day... LoL Hope it doesn't raise any eyebrows, but I know it probably will. People talk. *shrugs* Eh, whatcha gonna do? Anyway... I jsut liked the quote, because honestly, I remember when I was so restless, but could never put words to what I was so restless about. And so... Here ya go. My reason.

Anyway... I'mgonna try to get to the football game today, if i can find someone to go with... If not, well, I guess the Broncos will do without me again! I think Queen Latifah is really pretty. Just watched a commercial that she was on... Very pretty. Anyway... LoL I can't wait till tomorrow and Saturday nights!! Tomorrow, ABP and Faber gonna kick ass, then Saturday, me and everyone gonna have great fun!

OMG... I think the meds that that crackk-doctor put me on is making me more sensitive to allergies, istead of helping me. I have never felt so awful in my life.. Well, maybe. But anyway... I'm going back to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. *grin* Yay!

So yeah... Who's gonna fail that math qiz tomorrow? Oh wait. That'd be seconrd row, to the left... ABBY!

Nahh... Not gonna bother. I don't wanna make a website. Screw it. I'm lazy! LoL But, I did jsut run a half-mile... I need to get back in shape... lmao.


Your element is Air. You are an artistic person
with a unique sense of style. You are
intelligent; although prone to wonder in
thought which, prevents you from paying full
attention to most things, constantly active and
most likely like to sing. Constantly moving the
air is a force of nature. One moment you can be
a breeze the next a tornado.


What's your element

You can always tell how bored I am, by how many websites I have on probation. Well, lately, I haven't done a website since my dads. But I'm thinking I may have to try and make another. *nods* Hmm... How to go about it, though, without stepping on any toes? Jsut do it and be like... Ta DA!!!!! ? Hmm... Interesting.

So anyway... I think today I'm going to paly around with all my old pals... frames,tables, maps, etc, and see which one I like the ebst for this particular site... I want it to be good, though I don't really see a point in making one at all, because honestly, I'm not sure whether my heart's in it. Gottta go talk to someone, see what they think. *shrugs* Who knows? It may not be worth my time...

Okay, first off, since I know you will be checking this, I was pissed off at you, and you know why. Or, you should. You were acting like all that that I'd tried to get away from, and honestly, I know you must've been over-tired or something had crawled up your butt, but either way... *shakes head* I hope there is no next time. And PS. I was not pissed entirely about the comments you made. That was jsut the final straw. And now you've seen me mad. Don't ever do it again.

I'm not angry anymore... It's too much work to stay angry. And that act in the car? it really was an act. I was feelng a little angry still, which made it really easy to seem more angry than I was. But hoenstly, you need to understand. I am bitch-o-phobic. I do not do well with bithcing... Evey once in a while is okay... everybody has their bad days. But after 2 hours of it, I can only put up with so much. So... bear with me. Anyway, I'm not angry anymore, but still aggravated. Please don't IM me tonight. And just so you know, I ran out of your hosue because I was afraid I was going to tackle you. *nods* It was time for me to leave. G'night ma'am. If you want to go to Panera tomorrow morning, IM or call me. I'll be completely fine by then.

And yes, I still luv ya. No worries.

So... I went to the concert Projekt kaos at the Insane Gallery last night... Now tell me, doesn't that sound like a reallly really scary concert to you? Well, Iwas a bit nervous, LoL And I heard it was in the butthole of providence, so... I was also not enthused. having lsot my car once in prov and by sheer luck being able to find it again, I did not want to go through that again. So... Yeah.

Anyway, we got there, and this place is AWESOME!!! The art gallery downstairs? I got some awesome ideas for what I want for Christmas, one of which is this little abstract dragon called Le Dragon, and it is fantastic!!! The same artist did a lot of perspective and other types of abstract art, I'm not a critic, dopn't ask me what they were called, perspective is jsut a guess, but this little picture simply caught me. It was beautiful! And there was this other print, by some guy who's obsessed with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I think it was about being two-faced. That's wht I got out of it anyway... It was a lot of money, like several hundreds, or i would ask for that and only that for Christmas... But even if I only got that print, it would still be too much. So... *shrugs* The luck of the draw, I guess. maybe if I save enough, I can buy it for myself! Anyway... The picture was of a guy rawing himself, with two side to his face, an artful, wicked side, and a normal, every-day guy side. And around his ehad, in the dark, were characters from movies and stuff that had all played people with two very different sides to them. The ones I recognized were The Crow, jack Nicholson, and Bruce Lee. That charcoal print really caught my attention...

So, IO put on a great show, but they didn't win, which kinda sucked, but i got a T-Shirt and a glownecklace from Brian D., who I swear must think I love him. He gave me the necklace on laon for the night, then came and sat down and gave me the T-shirt, later on. Then, as I was going to leave, they were staying till later, I offered the necklace back (I do NOT steal things!!!!) and he didn't want it... So, I took it with me! I voted 10's across the baord for IO, because I thought they did a really great job, but eh.. There were a lot of really good artists there.

PS. More later. Ambience, Joel's bro?, pictures, and Hot drummer boy.

So yeah... Wednesday, A Blind Prophecy won the Battle of the Bands and Faber came in second! (Faber with a greek A) It was so great... And our school defintiely sucks at putting up with music and bands... LoL

So, I got great pictures, nad maybe I htink I'm going to take up photography as a hobby.

PS... I'm going insane. It seems like whatever I try to get going, always fails... lmao... This campfire thingy could be very very interesting, or very disastrous.

Pirates of the Caribbean!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla



You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Orange.
You are outgoing and optomistic. You always try to
find the bright spot in everything. You are
energetic and people are naturally attracted to
you. However, you are not always sure of what
your purpose or goals are.
Most Compatible With: Fresh Mint


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Fresh Mint. You are caring and friendly. You have a nurturing personality and always help out a friend in need. You are fairly outgoing, and always show a friendly face. You truly care for other people, and you show it. However, you may neglect your own responsibilites or become over involved in your friends' personal affairs. Most Compatible With: Orange

That's who I'm compatible with? hah... LoL

Disclaimer: This is a sensitive topic, for all those who care. If you don't care, read on. If there's anything in here you find untrue or obnoxious, write me a comment and bear in mind that this is my take on things. This is my writing place and well, I'll write about whatever I want, however I want.

Okay... I went to the doctor's today for my physical for the track team. And we had an interesting conversation which he told me to think about, write down, and tell him back about it. The main gist was why people, or people I'd seriously talked to, didn't seem to want to get into a relationship with anyone... I hav a lot of thoughts on this topic, so I'm pretty sure I'll be adding to it later, but... here goes for now. Added to that, the part he actually wanted me to write down, was all about boyfriends, from a girlfriends perspective. What he(as in general bfs..., you know, like I'm real experienced with this...) was like before, what happened, what he's like now, and why. Did I change him or did I jsut gloss over his BS before? *shrugs*

So... First topic. Why don't poeple want to get into serious relationships with people, or relationships at all.

Well, my take on this, and the reason why, as Linds puts it so aptly, I'm, "not willing to put the effort into 'getting' a guy," is because, in most cases, it takes a while for people to get over and be even on speaking terms with the people they went out with... of course, this all depends on how deeply you felt for this person. If you didn't care at all, well, duh, you'll be over them in no time. If, you actually felt anyhting for them, then you must understand that it may take a while for you to get over them in the romantic sense. So... Why you wouldn't want ot get involved with someone you cared for, if because after you broke up, and you definitely would, whether it was 6 months before you go to college or when you go to college, it takes a while to get over them and actually become even speaking civilly (spelling?) to each other. Now, I know that one of my main reasons for not really looking for a relationship besides friends, is because, well, If I liekd them enough as a person, to go out with them, and even think they were worht my time and effort, then why would i want to go to college not speaking to this person, not knowing when I'd see them next? *shakes head* No way in hell could you make me do that. And hoenstly, on this topic, I'd like to hear more from anyone out there who actually reads this and wants to fill me in on their reasons. Email me at Sneakers012@hotmail.com or comment, or get me on AIM. The same for anyone who wants to comment on anyhting below.

On the second topic, Before, during and after relationships. Dont' ask me how/why we got into this convo, I'm really not sure.

I do think that people gloss over their chosen bf/gf's character flaws/BS before they go out wiht them, and even during, and are all-too-aware of them afterward, when the flaw/BS, which had never been directed before at them, was suddenly given full-blast. Again, I think this treatment is only when they both care about the other. Think about it, whether you hate or love someone, you still care for them in some way, whether it be negative or positive. The only way you ignore someone and occasionally give them a comment, is if you don't care. if you care at all, you have a reaction. (PS... This leaves out the completely annoying person who aggravates the other person to no end, thereby causing a reaction.)

So anyway... that's my take on things. Luv ya, leave it.

Oh man... First day of running. 1 full mile- and whoa. I'm dead. LoL I need to get out and run more... I'm thinking a 1/2 mile warm-up tomorrow, with pleios, and 1/2 mile run-walk sequence, with a 1/4-1/2 mile cooldown, depending on what i'm feeling like. *sigh* It could be none of the above... LoL

PS... That nice old scrape on my car? heh. That's from me hitting things (mainly other cars) with my car. *smirk* Oops?

((*thinks to Dido-White Flag, desperately -needs- that CD*))

That poem... It's not about what it seems to be about. At first, I even thought it was, and it was jsust frustration about that, but when I actually thought about it, and talked about it last night with Crystal, I realized that it wasn't about anything in particular, just life. The fact that I need to hide at someone else's house, that I have something wrong with me that no one can figure out (maybe it's nothing, but who knows until someone tells me, DAMMIT!), and the other numerous shyt (including the events of last night... *shakes head*) that is just screwing me up at every turn.

That poem is about life. It's about how, whenever you manage to get up, life will tramp you down. But, it's also about getting up again, fighting free of everything that's holding you down, and trying to live again. And for all those who want to put stuff in that may or may not be there, well... Have a field day.
So, anyway... Crystal, thank you for giving me a place to outburst... I hope I provided that same listening ear for you. Between hitting cars and talking wth Grandma Johnson. *grin* We have to hang out more, because you are awesome.

I feel like a top... Always spinning spinning, and sometimes the pattern wavers, and you don't know what exactly you're doing, but then it all comes craching down- gravity, the weight of your own top-heavy self, and you fall over, bruised and still. But, before long, you're up again, and spinning that graceful dance again, maintaining a pose of unearthly beauty. *sigh* I'm so depressing. Why do people read this? Lol I used ot be so upbeat, and it seems like I still am, until I start to think about why I'm not, really...

As Crystal put it, I always used to blame it on one thing, because I couldn't think about what was really bothering me, because it was just... Life. *shrugs* So, I guess we get up and learn to deal, and spin some more. Hide some more, spin some more, what's the big difference?

I'm hiding.
Leave my rock alone.
Talk to you? Why?
So you can crush me down,
Step on my fingers,
Let me fall?

Screw you.
I don't need your pity,
Your condescending tone,
Your sneering hello.
I don't need your words,
Your kisses,
Your touch.

But don't let me fall...
Don't make me cry over you,
Your sneer,
Your harsh, cold words,
Your uncaring shoulder.

So now I'll hide, in the dark,
Pull deeper into my shell,
Pull farther into myself.
Keep everything in here,
Haunting me from the corners,
Surrounding me
Suffocating me.

I'll sing out,
One day,
And I'll break away the dark hold,
And you'll be gone from my mind,
Forever.

But not today, maybe tomorrow.


Revised while I was broed in English one day... Which way is better? Give me some ideas, people... Speak to me!

Ever had that feeling where all you wanted to do was write, but really, couldn't get anything to come out the way you wanted? I really need to write about something, but I have no place to do it.

There's so much crap happening in my life... And I live on the surface. So, I don't tell anyone the shyt that's happening, and I just run and hide, and I joke about it if it actually happens. Honestly, I wonder if the Bertrands treated me to dinner because they knew I didn't want to go back home? Because if so, I owe them a huge hug, jsut for being so nice to me. That house really is my second home, and even if Linds hadn't been there, I think I might've stayed there for a while. Her parents are awesome, and they're not always fighting like it seems mine are. Mine don't fight all the time, but it's been more often lately, and usually it's about my bro.

He's so sweet... He threatened to beat up Jeremy because he made me cry on Friday. I managed to make him not do it, but the thought was sweet... I almost laughed when I asked him why he'd done it, and he replied, "Well, it's not every day that you come and run to me and cry, so I figured he must've been an uber ass to you." *shakes head* Thanks bro. Jeremy, we're cool, no worries.

I'm hiding. Leave my rock alone. Talk to you? Why? So you can crush me down, step on my fingers, and let me fall? Screw you. I don't need your pity, your condescending tone, or your sneering hello. I don't need your words, your kisses, your touch. But don't let me fall... Don't make me cry over you, your sneer, your harsh, cold words, your uncaring shoulder.

So now I'll hide, in the dark, and pull deeper into my shell, pull farther into myself, and keep everything in here, haunting me from the corners, surrounding me and suffocating me. And I'll sing out, one day, and I'll break away the dark hold, and you'll be gone from my mind, forever. But not today, maybe tomorrow.

I knew a girl
With stormy eyes and a head of curls,
Someone who could rock and funk and dip and swing,
And hid herself from the rest of the world.

And then this girl
One day,
Decided to come out and say
"Hey DUDE! what's over that hill?
What sunrises have I missed,
to find the beginning of a brand new day?"

So, I wish I could write poetry. I wrote this one in like 2 minutes, though, so I guess if I really wanted to, I could take another five and play wiht it a bit... *shrugs* In any case, I had this sudden urge to just write a poem about soemthing, so... I wrote about what it feels like finding a new day, a new outlook, in life.

I have new friends, a new "group" to hang out with, and I'm having a ton of fun.

*blink* I think I'm gonna go write in the Sb now... Because actually, that's not what that poem is about at all, but really, I don't feel like anyoene reading what it's about... Because not everyone who reads this, knows me well enough to understand... And besides that, I'm kinda feeling thoughtful, and not everything that comes out in one of these moods is upbeat and chipper.

So, I luv you all, have a good night, T3 is awesome. SB, Linds, thanks you for the awesome afternoon. Leaves,thanks for the awesome workout. And Juice and Arnold, thank you for the awesome morning.

So, had an interesting conversation this morning, mainly about the impact this blogger has on people... LoL Certain people who it mentions... lmao.

Just got through raking leaves at my g-rents house in Milford, and wow... I never knew there were that many leaves! And now... Now I think I may be leaving for a band practice. Interesting, huh? Oh so yeah... if I''d known that I'd have had that much fun last night, I would've gone to Christine's. Not that it wasn't fun, but it wasn't as much fun as I could've been having. *shrugs* Live and learn, I suppose.

I need to see Matrix 3. Juice, Jeremy, and kerri told me to watch it. So... if there's anyone who wants to go see Matrix 3 with me, Yay! Just ring me up, and I'll be there like whoa!

PS. I made HIgh Honors this quarter... 85 in MATH! HOLY CRAP! LoL And a 90 in English. Another Whoa... LoL So... gtg. Band practice is awaiting. Maybe we'll hear some more Greenday. YAY!

hah. I was right. And Christine admitted it. Juice likes her. hah. *grin* I'm so good at this game!

*blink* So... updates. They thought i was diabetic so I had more blood tests than I care to remember in the alst week and a half. I went for a CT scan and had to drink tons of icky orange crap.

I don't have diabetes, my blood was fine in the second one, etc. *shrugs* I was jsut wicked screwed up for a while there.

SO... My plans for Maine? I'm awaiting a verdict. God... For stupid shyt like this, I hate people. And I would tell the whole story on here, but hoenstly, it's not even worth telling. Pre-conceived notions and prejudices (notice the pre in front of each? Means you made a judgement before actually knowing the story.) are both horrible horrible things. And granted, I've been guilty of forming them a few times, but to actually keep them up when the person who they're about has practically lived with your family, is sick.

How do preconceived notiosn and prejudices come into play wiht MMA? Well, howdy doo.... A person with a lot of clout managed to kick down hte plans, stomp them into hte ground, and is now holding one person in her own family like a rag doll, using her. *shakes head* It's sick. I was really frustrated and angry last night, but now, I'm jsut disgusted. Brb... hair cut time!

I have a cowlick... Never realized it before now, but I was playing with my hair and realized that yes... I really do have a cowlick, LoL

Okay... What makes a person dumb? For some reason, this has been on my mind for a while now, and I just decided, recently, to check it out and see if someone really knew. Well, I had a few thoughts on this subject, but most of which I doubt are true.

Like... say... Okay. What makes people really smart? A lot of people think that being in smart classes is what differentiates. But yes... we may be smart, but what makes people -really- smart, like Jeremy and Joe? What makes them so damned smart? Is it something genetic? Well... Maybe. I know that Joe's family are all rpetty smart, and I know nothing about Jeremy's, but I wonder. Is it outside, environmental influences, like friends? Chris is wicked smart, and so are Aelig and Handrigan, though both of them are in very different ways.

Is it the amount of effort you put in something that makes you smart? Or... is it simply if you inherently understand concepts? Or maybe it's jsut something in your head that allows you to understand things much better/faster/easier.
That's the age old question: is it nature (what you are born with), or it it nurture (the way you are brought up). Use a real close up example; Me and Seth; same parents, same upbringing. what's the Difference? WHy did he turn out such a cool, defintiely popular in his own circles, kid, though a definite screwup, while I'm the goody-goody, smat, etc, not too popular, but certainly enough so, girl? Why is he such a "bad boy"? Ugh... i wuit. Too much thought for one day.

Okay... so i had a neato thought. If you tape someone like... 3 minutes after they're born, then send that tape to say, your sister, who watches it a week later, can she say that she saw the kid when they were 3 minutes old? Well, to make sure I was correct in my conclusions, I asked my mom and dad, who said that yes, technically, it was true. So... Aren't videos somewhat of a time warp?

Also... If I chicken had lips, why wouldn't it be able to whistle?

And again... Do i have no sense of personal belonging? I didn't even realize this was bugging me until today when it came out without me even thinking about it. Dumbass boys. I hate them alll!!! I'm turning LESBIAN!!! (I'm jsut kidding... Really. Really.) No, I jsut love/hate one kid, whom we all know.

CONGRATULATIONS RICH (Not Ritchie...) POLSENO!!!!! I don't even think you understand how excited I am for you!!! Like... last night, I just wanted to call everyone I knew, and yell into their ears that you won, and I didn't care if they knew who you were, or what the hell I was tlaking about. I'm in love. Rich Polseno, I love you. (Yes, love. There's a difference between luv and love, and I've got it right.) Anyway... I'm done now. No one read this, kk? LoL

(Hah... On looking back, I want to be a lesbian than say how I'm on love witha guy... *shakes head* Just shows how screwed up I am. LoL)

Oh man... I'm so nervous, and I don't know why. I htink that's the funniest part. My stomache is in knots and I can't seem to calm down, but I have no idea why. Well, I'm lying. I have a very good idea why. I'm going to go to URI to hang out with a bunch of people who I never really got along with, with a girl who I don't know, to see bands I've never heard of. Nothing wrong with that, right? And besides that, I'm just... me. Duh I'm gonna be nervous. But eh, whatever. I'll be fine.

Last night, me and Linds went down to Pawtucket to hang with the guys... They ditched us, so we shrugged and found something else to do. We went to see Kinder's (little Mexican!! hehe) dad, and hung out with Malibu, who's moved back to RI. Malibu is much nicer now... I don't know why. But I had a great lot of fun until we went to the party and really decided that it wasn't that much fun anymore. So, we left and went home.

I need to get gas before I go anywhere... Yuck.

Okay... The quote was from Juice's profile... For some reason I'd C&P'd it into wordpad, without putting who it was from. *shakes head*Yeah, yeah... My blonde is showing. I get you.

Oh man... i forgot to write about my screwy adventures with Shamus yesterday! It was insane! During Auto, Durrigan told me and Shamus to go slip the wires on this car, strip them, then put these clips on them. Then he sent Shamus off to get his car, and started loading me up wiht tools, then told me to go tothe parking lot, take a right, and before the curve, there'd be a marron Chrysler with a black truck in front of it. So, I hoist up my battery pack and head out to the parking lot. Little did I know that he meant, go -out- of the parking lot, and it'd be on the street. So... Me and hsamus looked ofr the car i the aprking lot, and when we couldn't find it, we went back inside, and Durrigan yelled at us, then gave us more instructions. So we figured out what he meant, and went to the car.

So, we're at the car, right? I strip the wirse, and we're looking at the clips, and all of a sudden, it dawns on us. Oops... We were suppsoed to bring that battery that was on the charger, to the car, huh? LoL Oops... So Shamus went back, because he was less afraid of getting yelled at again then me, and got the abttery. By the time he;d gotten back, I had gotten most of the stripping done and etc. So, we hooked up the battery, and all that. Then Shamus tells me that we have to bring it back to hte school. So... We jump the battery from his car, and with me driving his car and him driving the POS, we head back to school. By now, it's taken us about an hour to get everything done. So... We're already late for class. We get the thing abck to the schooll and he leaps out, yelling about, "Oh my GOD!! That thing has no brakes!!! I was usig the ebrake the whole way here!!!" And I was laughing about how "I couldn't see anyhting!! That "thing" was putting out clouds of black shyt so bad!!" So, we go to get back into the garae, and it's locked. We head in through the childcare room isntead, and Ms. Sandstrom is looking at us like we ahve three heads. No worries. We head abck to the garage and tell Durrigan his car is here, and he jsut looks at us again, like we ahve three heads... "You brought that car back ehre?" "Uh... yeah." "You drive that car over here?" "Yeah." "I don't know whether you guys are jsut plain stupid, or... I jsut don't know!" And he starts laughing, obviously so thrilled with us. So, we laugh a bit, and start telling him what had happened on the way over, and he's cracking up!


So, after that, I guess the GGT'ing in Smithfield jsut wasn't as much fun as it used to be. I need to go hang out with them. But, I have no riding for the next few weeks, and I have no gas, so... it's not looking good for hanging out. LoL Gtg Work time!

"I awoke form my slumber with an urge to move on with my life. So I walked. After I while I found I'd ended up where I began."

Well, I stole this from someone's profile. I not quite sure who's but... eh, whatever! I really liked this quote; it seems to sum up exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. People go through life and one day wake up to realize that they came full circle to the beginning. It's not a bad thing, but I think that if you're to realize this early on in life, then maybe you can enjoy yourself more all the way through life. And maybe I'm full of shyt. Guess we'll never know, but I find that my life (if not someone else's) is like one of my stories. As I write, the story unfolds, and if it goes someplace I don't want it to, I can't stop it. It jsut keeps going in the direction it wants, until it gets so complicated, I jsut ahve to stop and take a break. I can't handle it anymore. So, I end up at the beginning, start writing again, and once again fall to pieces. *smiles* But each time you begin, it's like a brand new day. Awesome!

Anyway... I really want to do well in the glorified frisby and running in track this year. So... the links below are to pages that I need to read and work on, so I can improve my technique as well as other things. I'm going to work on my knee in the gym this year, becuase it's getting wobbly again, and I don';t want to hit full speed then come crashing face down into the cement track... Not my idea of a good time, if you get my drift. LoL So, I'm going with Michael Poisson to the gym in school affter school with Mrs. Demasco. Get in shape for captains' practices. Woot. Anyway... Night!

http://www.canthrow.com/articles/speed-training.shtml

http://www.hotcirclecoaching.com/articlejprightleg.html

Well... welcome back! I'm writing once again! I jsut wanted to write down that I watched a movie yesterday while I was feeling not so well, and well, it really struck home. It was about a girl who was raped by a guy in her school, hwo was the football star, etc. And then, after she told what had happened, his friends and basically the whole school, moved against her. It reminded me of the incident that ahppened in this school. I don't ahve a clue who was to blame for it, whether Sullie led him on, or whether FS (Football Star) did what the newspapers said.

And now that I've watched what happened, it's sparked in my head the quetion of whoa... The things that happened in that movie were remarkably similar to what happened in this school. So like, in fact, that I'm more inclined to beleive the latter scenario. What a scary thought. Perhaps, jsut as that girl said i nthe movie, "Maybe we thought that if what you said was true, then we would ahve had to face up to the fact that we were sluts, too..." Perhaps instead, it was, in this school, "If what she says is true, than crime, serious crime, really can happen her, too." We're such a small town. We've always thought that Burrillville was the safest place to live. If rape can happen in this town, then what else can happen?

And I was reading something the other day in a magazine for girls; it struck in me what I've alays wodnered. Guys and girls were asked if they would do certain things in certain places, and the results came back that guys simply didn't ahve to worry about the same things that girls did. Whereas a guy wouldn't worry about going off alone in a city and jsut walking on the street, a girl would worry about rape, molestation, mugging, etc. How sad is that? I htink thatI'm going to start karate lessons as soon as I get money. Just so, if I should ever need to, I can defend myself. Or at least give myself a chance to get away should anything happen.

Back to the rape thing. I had a dream once, in hte ngiht of three dreams, and in it I was raped. I looked it up in a dream book and it said that I had a subconscious need for violence, for rough sex. I think that's bullshyt. That was a night of death. I was scared out of my mind. I think it was a conscious fear of being forced to do things I didn't want to do.

I can't even imagine what Sullie went through. And I feel really guilty about what I said to her at Lil General. Even as I was saying it, I was thinking, "Oh shyt... this isn't coming out right... Oh shyt." I hink I'm going to send her a card, mayhbe through the mail. Send it to her house. Because I wouldn't blame her if she never came back... *sigh* ALl I can say is that I'm really glad that she seems to have a nice boyfriend now, and she's looking okay. I was actually really happy to see her that night, and when I heard what was coming out of my mouth, I wanted to smack myself. Ugh... Duh Abby-ness.

I lied. Talent Night was really good, but I think that Seniors definitely shoulda had something better up their sleeve. OUr acts mostly sucked, wiht the exception of chris, who was really good, but I htink should've engaged the audience more by actually using melody in his playing.

I've decided that I'm not really going to post in here for a while. I jsut don't have time to write what I'd like to write, nor even what I need to write. So... This Bloggery Blogspot is on a break. Hah.

Now, I was lying on the floor with my dog the other day, jsut relaxing with my head on her shoulder, her passed out, when I thought of this particular elusive thought: Are choices merely your subconscious forcing your conscious mind to work in a particular way?

Now really... If you're at ease with a situation, you reflect it in the way you move, speak, listen, and even sit- you jsut act at-ease. But, when you're unsure of yourself, even if you hide it real well, you still don't know how to act and whatnot.

Anyway... If you think something isn't going to work out, or even if you have the littlest of doubts about something, now you're looking for the crack, for the glitch in the system, and by looking, you're almost guaranteed to find something. So, if choices are made, maybe luck is subconscious, too... Like, good luck means that you're subconscious is looking for the good in things, whereas bad luck is when you're looking for the worst thing to happen, so of course, you're going to find it if you're looking for it. Both ways.

YAY! FIREWORKS! GOOD LUCK TO ME!!!!!

Two random thoughts to talk about tomorrow morning:

Chance in life

Choices- Are they random, or do you decide by your subconscious decisions?

*yawn* I'm so tired... I did okay in the horse show today... After all, it was raining all day, my horse was disgusted ebcause he had to stand around in the rain 90% of the time, and I was pissy becuase I had to stand around in the rain 95% of the time. Shoot me. But, we did okay, overall. As Cynthia put it... "I think you really kick butt because, after all, you're riding the horse no one wants to ride." "Why?" "Because he's work." *smirk* Maybe so... He is a pain in the butt. But I sitll like him a lot.

Anyway... The pirate costume worked out jsut fine, we ended up making a hat, and me and Kim came in for third. Honestly, I htink we had the ebst costume, but the little kids that won first and second were pretty darned cute, even if they didn't have a real point to their costumes... Maybe they didn't ahve to, LoL half the fun was the effort put into this silly show. Egg and Spoon - Ghost and Spoon - Was funny. I came in second ebcause something happened when we went to extend the trot... I dunno. I think he tripped... LoL Dumbutt.

So... I have cross country tomorrow, but no one bothers to tell the abby when or where to meet for the bus. This job sucks. I've decided that I hate cross-country, and almsot everyone that associates with it.

So, Taking the SATs on 6 hours of sleep. That was interesting... LoL Like, OMG... Just kill me now. And then going home to find my car not only painted, but the tire completely trashed. So, we went to JOhnston and got a new tire, -then- I went to the barn, and worked my ass off braiding, cleaning, and wahtever, till 7. Woot! But, It was still okay, because I was in the barn! LoL

And Zox still rock. Nothing can take that away from them. PS... I can finally type my own way and not look at the keyboard. Hahah... Screw you Mr. Berthelette. HAHHAHAH!!!

Whoa... I was really quite disgusted, and sorta depressed yesterday after readin that blog. I went through stages- Really hurt, really REALLY pissed, then kinda sad... Like, Whoa- I'm a pain in the ass? Always? Jsut sometimes? Why couldn't you jsut tell me?

But, we talked, and I mean, had a one-liner conversation, and honestly, it didn't clear up anything, and I'm still rather disgruntled, but I got him back. And let me tell you- no matter what this person said, two wrongs may not make a right, but they sure make you feel better!

I went to P.G.'s last night, and I had the usual reaction- I wondered jsut why I was there. And there was no reason for it. I'm jsut not comfortable around any of them anymore. What's wrong with me!?!? I'd have to say the whole high point of the ngiht was when me and Linds were talking to those guys in the parking lot. *grin* They were funny, and that guy could seriously throw. Like... Wow, Accuracy.


ZOX ROCKS!!!!!!!


I need to get a pirate hat. Corey, Chris, Joe, and TCapp are next on my list of people to ask if they have one. Mike, too... Jeremy doesn't, LoL DAMN! Ben does not have one.

Well... Just read Jeremy's blog. He told me it got a lot of people mad, and I can see why. The comments he made about pretty little girls with no thoughts in their heads is rather scary. I wonder if he told me to go read it because he wanted to prove that he is jsut like everyone else, or because he jsut wanted to get the anger from everyone, all over with, all at once (probably). It makes me kind of sad that so many people form such thoughts about me. I really am the most selfish and the most blonde-acting person I know, besides a few very special individuals, but I do think. Not often, thankfully, becuase usually when I htink, I get depressed, but I do think. One of the msot annoying things I've ever encountered in my life is the ability of people to form immediate judgements about others, and decide that no matter what that person does, the judgement always stands.

I remember almost everything, over the years that has raised my ire, one of the first being called "wild", the most recent being told that this person didn't believe that I was a complete and total straight-edge. Where do these people get these ideas? Do I do things to deserve this? The "wild" part, maybe, but the straight edge thing? Completely off the charts for stupidity. Do I put off the aura of being crazy, wild, stupid, and otherwise not me? Hah. Complete and total stupidity on all parts. I don't drink because I know what my family gets like when they drink; I don't do drugs because I just don't need them, I'm blonde enough as it is; I don't do crazy shyt (well... msot of the time) because when I do, I get waaaaay too much into it and it's really hard for me to stop. *grin*

But anyway... Jeremy, if you ever read this, jsut know that I'm not sure what exactly you think of me, whether I have a thought in my pretty little head or not, and honestly, I don't really care. (Okay, I lie. I do.) But really, Whatever. It's your opinion, jsut like life is designed around your idea of a personal aesthetic. Whatever suits your damned fancy.

PS. I'm not angry, jsut a bit sad, because I always thought that Jeremy, of all people, was smart enough to see past my defense mechanism "dumbness". I mean, seriously, we had this talk, about how I hide so well, maybe too well. But if he can't see past my masks, then maybe I really am dumb... Oh God, the drama.

I'm going to talk to him after class, see what he says. *shrug* I'm hiding once again.

I'm sick. Not tooo bad, but definitely one of those ugs that you're jsut waiting for it to get worse. I can feel it... It's coming. So, I've been sitting home all day, helping out while I can, staying away from my g-rents while they visit, not really letting anyone know I'm sick. And I get this message while I'm wathcing a movie... and all i want to do is scream. Shriek and yell and pound my hands and feet. I want to be so selfish, because surely, isn't that my modus operandi? I don't care about what anyone else wants, I don't care what anyone else needs. It's me first, me first. But honestly, I've been getting better. I've been trying and trying, and I've finally managed to be able to be a more generous person. And you know what? I still want to yell and scream nad kick my hands and feet, and be selfish.

Get the point?

That was a really weird dream. I didnt' figure how much of an effect it'd had on me until I was crying as I told my mom about it. She jsut looked sad, because I think she knew what I was saying even as I skirted around the issue. But... enough about the damned dream.

Sorry Linds for not being on last night. Me and Seth had a screaming contest and he won, by volition of the parents. He probably would've won anyway, if they hadn't gotten involved, but there would have been a lot more fist-throwing and shit-talking. I would've been a bloody pulp; that kid is huge. Maybe I should've slept over your house... *shrugs* Too late now!

I have a bruise on my leg from when Matthew kicked me... That kid is frieking insane! I kinda jsut hurt all over, but I think that may be because I was in a desperate fight-for-my-life tickle fight yesterday. The craziness of it all! Hah. Guys who are ticklish are jsut waaay too much fun. *grin*
I had a really good day yesterday, hanging out with Linds most of it, keeping busy all of it. The guys in Pawtucket are getting cooler, though I'm still not sure how to take Erik.. he seems like he could be funny but all I've seen so far is an intensity that makes me nervous. Tom is a complete and total sweetheart, Chris is as well, and I could stand to hang out with either or both of them again in the future. Serg is kind of weird... He holds himself back, but I think it's only because he doesn't know how to take me and Linds yet. He knows her better, but he's still stand-offish.

Back to reality. Tapioca pudding rocks!!! My mommy made some and it's so good, I think i may have to go get another bowl of it! YEAH!. I need to go riding today... Cynthia called Friday and told me either day this weekend would be fine, so I sat out yesterday and I'm heading up today. I think. Maybe tomorrow. We'll have to call and see, I guess.

I still haven't seen the end of Willard. We stopped when Willard was trying to kill all the rats. I jst know that it's going to come back to bite him in the ass.

OMG... I did have a dream last night. It was about Mosher. We were on the way to her room after school and she was laughing about soemthing. So I asked her what she was laughng about, nad she told me that she was laugh at how many people were going to drop out after the last test... "At least half the class!" And she was cackling... Yes, cackling. Wicked Mosher. I just remembered about it. And I remember that I was like... Oh shyt... I'm so dead. I probably am, in real life, but god... do I need to dream about this stuff all of a sudden? What happened to bambi and dancing flower dreams?! Why all these bad dreams?!?!?!?!?!

Hmm... I don't really go by what dreams tell us, because I figure it really is our subconscious just making imaginary scenarios out f conscious events. But even so, any time I remember a dream, I write it down, as well as the events that are happening, so maybe I can make sense of it all. Well, as for all the stress that is in my life at the moment, jsut waiting for me to let a crack happen in my wall so it can all flood out, I think my sunconscious was brining up the latest stress, (the biggest), and blowing it up out of proportion so that I can see that yes... I really am woprried about this.

Well, anyway... The basic gist of the dream was that I couldn't go home, and I really jsut didn't want to be there anymore. (Granted, the dream was really weird and out-of-proportion because it entailed my mom dying in a fire, my dad wanting to kill me, and me hiding out in Joe's house ebcause it was the only place of my friends that my dad didn't know where they lived. I was on foot, and it was either his place or Aim's being the only place i could go before he found me...And he knows where Aims lives.)

I figure that, with all the screaming, yelling, stress-related bad behavior that's been happening around here, I really jsut don't want to come home most of the time. The reason why I stay out so much is ebcause I really jsut don't want to be around. And I suppose that Joe's house was in there because well... *shrugs* I dunno. I always felt safe around Joe, and his house always felt like an extension of my house. Walk in, talk to the rents, fight with the sister, eat dinner, play pool, whatever... *shrugs* He wasn't there ebcause well... Lately there's been a lot of tension between us, and he's not exactly high on my list of reassuring people. But... his house, well... I've always felt safe and welcome there. Anyway... Enough.

I went out with Linds last night (Sorry Sb that you had to go home... Next time for sure!) to watch Sergio, Tom, Chris, and Erik play roller hockey. We got lsot a few times because we're both dumbasses. LoL But, we found the place before the game began, and they lost, 6-5, poor guys. Anyway, then they were all screaming at each other, but After the guys we didn't know left, we went back and talked to hte guys... Tom is slow in changing, so me and Linds had to turn around a few times, but even so we got a bit of an eyeful one time, LoL. No biggie. Sergio and Tom are wicked good players, and most of the time, I was watching Serg slam some guy or another intp the boards, then scuffle and get thrown in hte penalty box. *grin* Good boy. Poor chris didn't get to play much, but when he did, I could tell that he was decent. Not as good as some of the others, but defintiely better than me! LoL Not very hard, but... He was decent. Erik seemed to be a good palyer, but as we didn't figre out which one he was until the last 5 minutes, i don't ahve much to say. Sorry!

The bonfire idea was nice, but because some people don't bother calling others back (*cough* Joe and Jessie *cough*) we couldn't go. Let me tell you, I woulda preferred sitting around a nice hot bonfire than makng toe popsicles in Linds's little icebox. But, I had fun, and flirting with new guys is always fun, whereas I woulda jsut been flriting with untouchable guys at the bonfire... Still a fun thing. *grin* hehe Anyway... 'Nuff said. I'm off. Wllard is a good, an awesome movie... Now lemme go WATCH THE END!!!!!

Yo, so... Having help writing in my blogger this morning. We're planning on heading out and drawing on people while they sleep, because after the party last night, who knows what state tehy'll all be in? hehe And we're gonna take advantage of it... *evil snicker* Anyway...

Chris, Tom, Sergio, Erik, and Matthew. Five very hott, very sweet guys who need to show us around pawtucket sometime. *grin* We had an awesome time with them last nihgt... watching everyone beat each other up, nevermind the pilates/yoga training with Tom and Matt. We being Linds (guess who's friends they first were... Oh, you got it! Sarah's!!! LoL j/k), SB, and I (thank you Ms. Drouin.) We "saw" not "seen" them, Sergio!

So...mischief time. Cya all on the flip-side... SHIMMY!!!!!!!

Relationships are seen everywhere, everyday, between everything and everyone; between humans and nature, man and animal, woman and child, humans with themselves. Although in the same hand, one must consider the absence of relationship, utter loneliness. The effects of each kind of relationship, or lack thereof, is to be poked and prodded, pulled at and pushed, to see the underlying effects it might have on the individuals.

Wow... A decent start to a rapidly downhill essay. Can we say horrible? I hate essays. I'll draw you a story of my imagination, loving it the whole time. Ask me to write an essay, or ask me to write, period, and I'll fight you fang, tooth, and claw the whole way. Now you kow why me and English have enver really gotten along. I write decently, but really... I've never put an ounce of effort into anyhting, and well, Im sure that if I did, I would get a helluva lot ebtter grades. Whereas Jeremy doesn't have to put any effort and can write flawlessly, making english teachers think he puts effort into their work, I need to put effort and don't, thereby giving jsut enough of a scent to entice an overbearing teacher, making them yearn to see me write at my full potential. *rolls eyes* I really should jsut try to write and see what happens. Who knows? It may someday be worth seomthing? LoL

Thank you for the comment Littler Bitter Man, and let me say, I lvoe your blogger. I make it a point to check out one random blogger a day, and usually, they turn out to be utter crap, boring whinings of an overimaginative soul without an outlet. With that said, I found your warning to be enticing... can't wait to read more. I'm very sorry I had to make you look in at my life this time of strife, but hopefully, you will not think it is as such perpetually, usually the days are more exciting, including me falling off my horse, getting laughed at in public squares, or generally making a fool of myself and writing all about it so if one such as yourself should be having not such a great day and just happens upon it, well... I've made it better! At my own expense, maybe, but still made it better!

Anyway... I went riding today, had my foot crunched by the stubborn ass (horse actually!) named Major, whom I'm suppsoed to be riding and exercising adn training for the show coming up in a few weeks... I used to like riding that horse? Was I crazy? Maybe it was me... Probably. God knows soemtimes I amaze myself with the sheer stupidityof my actions... And why the hell am I writing like a Victorian-era novel? All elaborate with big goofy words that no one who reads this will ever udnerstand!?! Nevermind me... On a good day, I can barely udnerstnad. Now if I should go back and read this entry on a bad day... What the hell would I think? Hello? duh? What was I writing about? Oh yeah... something about that Horse... And uh... what was that word, "enticing", again? LoL Just kidding.

Anyway... I stayed after for Math, ended up getting my homework done before Mosher came in, joking around with come really cute freshman kid without a brain in his head, (I got to play off my blonde act!! YEAH!) and scare the hell out of christine by jumping out at her when hse came around the corner. Now seriously, how much fun can you have in one afternoon!?

Okies... Gtg. I'm dead tired.

But first, the idiot episode of the day: Got so frustrated in math, I ended up cryin my eyes out for about five minutes- jsut enogh time to have everyone in math ask me what was wrong, me reply that nothing was wrong, while it was very clear that somethign was wrong, walk down the hallway getting weird look and Christine and Seth watcing my abck the whole way, and head into BioTech and have Chris ask me what was wrong, bringing attention to me from the school nurse who proceeded to ask me whether I wanted to lay down or jsut go home... if I was smart, I would've said yes to either, but I was stupid, perusual, and decided to tuff it out. *finger fun to head* Bang. Duh? LoL

Hi, back again. Just putting on the record that I feel much better, and while my English still isn't getting done, nor are my applications, at least I now ahve reddish hair, and am in much better spirits. I'm going to talk to Drouin tomorrow about her teaching style, see if I can't maybe get a copy of lecture notes before she actually lectures, so I can follow along.

I'm going riding tomorrow, and right now, I'm calling Marty to tell him i can't run. Cya!

While I should be reading English, or working on college applications, instead I'm on here, writing about things that I'm not sure anyone who reads this, can possibly understand. I don't even understand, so how can they? It's happening to me, and I don't understand. Maybe I'm jsut dumb. Or maybe, maybe I haven't pulled enough at the strings holding up this veil in front of my eyes. I can almsot see the solution, and I reach out, only to be blocked again; maybe I'm not supposed to know right now. Or again, maybe I am stupid.

There's so many things in my ehad right now, all whilring and screeching and screaming to get out, to jsut... flood out and overwhelm me. They're nothing particularly bad, some are very easily guessed, others not so easy. So, here goes. The first of things that are making me doubt myself and everything I hold dear.

School:
Now, I know that I'm considered a "smart person" by the average standards. But as of last week, Friday, mainly, I feel so dumb, it's like rocks have taken the place of my brains. First off, I'm the only one to fail my math quiz. I think Mosher knew jsut how upset I was when I told her that she couldn't make me quit, no matter how hard it was, I'd fail before I quit. And it's true. I would quit trying and fail before I ever dropped that class. In all my days of failing quizzes in precal, I never even talked about quitting, I jsut took it as a kick in the guts, pulled together, and went on.
Ms. Drouin, I love you, but I can't pay attention, understand, and write all at the same time. Your teachign style doesn't work for me, and I'm falling behind so that I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, half the time. I have to copy Jeremy's work the other half, and gain some semblance of an idea. By the end of Friday, I was so frustrated with school, all i wante to do was cry and hide. I was talkign to my dad in the car ride over to the boat, and by the time I got to this class, I was in teears... and here they are again, hot, burning, and so humilitating coursing down my skin.
As an afterthought, I put in this topic. College. Does it matter that I have no idea what I want to do? I want to work with horses. I know that. And I know that I really want to make them better, but how best to do that? I've seen so many horses taken in, only to be treated well physically, without any thought of their psychological state, beyond the 15 minutes of time that their "newer, better owner" can give them. Bullshit. I want to really -help- these animals. But, where does that tie into college? I figure pre-vet, because then, when I get them, I can help them better, fulfill the dreams I've had since I was little, and maybe jsut maybe, earn enough to support myself and my "habit." (Horseback riding, in case any of you were getting concerned.)

Friends:
I'm really not sure what to do. I've decided that there will be no boyfriends for this year, because I can't handle the thought of first off, when I break up wih this kid because everything good ends, not having enough time to at least make sure we're tlaking by the end of the year, before I head to college; second, because with all this other shyt over my head, I can't possibly deal with a reltionship. College, School, Sports, Friends, Family, Life, Sanity. They all take a giant part of my brain, and I'm sorry, but do you see any spaces for Romance? No? Didn't think so. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. Maybe I'll find someone to sweep me off my feet. But do I really want that?
As for all my friends out there this year, I think maybe I'll clue them into what's happening to me, sort the waters, and see if they still want to deal with life and all it's little problems. I'm having a great year, as far as this subject's going, but there's an undercurrent of heaviness, that I know will come out by third quarter, ending with everyone hating everyone by fourth. And then I don't see anyone over the summer, and guess who's screwed when they head to college?

Family:
I'm really not sure what I want to put up here with family. We're split. And only mom and seth know the truth about me, so dad thinks I'm little miss perfect compared to my screw up brother. I suppose that is jsut one more topic that'll be brought up in the car on the way to the boat, whenever. I drove around a lot last night, most of the time, simply in autopilot, trying to jsut get out of the house and away from the screaming, name calling, and blame dealing. I'm worried about my brother. And my mom was right; I am duplicitous. I worry for Joe being stupid, yet I hand my brother his pot. *shakes head* I don't even know what to say about that.

Really great friends:
You know who you are out there, the ones I talk to about the perfect guy, what is love, how come some people don't understand math and others do, why things happen the way they happen; the ones who let me swing on their ropeswing when it's the only simple pleasure left in the world to me, the ones who I can live with should I ever need to, and those who I can be stupid with, get caught by the police, and never stop laughing about the event: To all you, thank you. You my never be there at the exact moment whenI need you, but because I can think of you, and remember all the good times, put myself in a place with you and talk to you, think about what you would say, I can get back to reality from the plane of horror I descended to. Thank you for that.

Sports:
I'm quitting. I can't deal with Cross-Country right now. I don't want to run, and I sure as hell don't want to give up horseback riding for running. I'm so sorry to all you out there who were depending on me. I'm letting you down yet again. Get used to it, it's pretty commonplace in my world.
Horseback riding. What can I say. Soon as I step into the barn, smell the hay, hear Major nickering for me all the way at the end of the barn, I know I'm home. And though bad shyt happens there, making me want to curl up in a ball and hide under the stairs, eventually, I always can just... get back up and ride to safety. Horses ground me, and at this point, I need to be grounded. Often. So... With this offer from Ralph, I'm going up more than once a week, to work on my form, play with my new horse, and ground myself.

Miscellaneous things:
Dan, I miss you, my ultimate ground. I'm going to try to get over there today, see if I can say hi, all that good stuff. You know, get yelled at by Clarissa, watch your skinny form get roughed around, know that I'll never ride you ever again, and remember all the good times we had. Yeah... That's about it. I'm so sorry for leaving you...