While I should be reading English, or working on college applications, instead I'm on here, writing about things that I'm not sure anyone who reads this, can possibly understand. I don't even understand, so how can they? It's happening to me, and I don't understand. Maybe I'm jsut dumb. Or maybe, maybe I haven't pulled enough at the strings holding up this veil in front of my eyes. I can almsot see the solution, and I reach out, only to be blocked again; maybe I'm not supposed to know right now. Or again, maybe I am stupid.

There's so many things in my ehad right now, all whilring and screeching and screaming to get out, to jsut... flood out and overwhelm me. They're nothing particularly bad, some are very easily guessed, others not so easy. So, here goes. The first of things that are making me doubt myself and everything I hold dear.

School:
Now, I know that I'm considered a "smart person" by the average standards. But as of last week, Friday, mainly, I feel so dumb, it's like rocks have taken the place of my brains. First off, I'm the only one to fail my math quiz. I think Mosher knew jsut how upset I was when I told her that she couldn't make me quit, no matter how hard it was, I'd fail before I quit. And it's true. I would quit trying and fail before I ever dropped that class. In all my days of failing quizzes in precal, I never even talked about quitting, I jsut took it as a kick in the guts, pulled together, and went on.
Ms. Drouin, I love you, but I can't pay attention, understand, and write all at the same time. Your teachign style doesn't work for me, and I'm falling behind so that I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, half the time. I have to copy Jeremy's work the other half, and gain some semblance of an idea. By the end of Friday, I was so frustrated with school, all i wante to do was cry and hide. I was talkign to my dad in the car ride over to the boat, and by the time I got to this class, I was in teears... and here they are again, hot, burning, and so humilitating coursing down my skin.
As an afterthought, I put in this topic. College. Does it matter that I have no idea what I want to do? I want to work with horses. I know that. And I know that I really want to make them better, but how best to do that? I've seen so many horses taken in, only to be treated well physically, without any thought of their psychological state, beyond the 15 minutes of time that their "newer, better owner" can give them. Bullshit. I want to really -help- these animals. But, where does that tie into college? I figure pre-vet, because then, when I get them, I can help them better, fulfill the dreams I've had since I was little, and maybe jsut maybe, earn enough to support myself and my "habit." (Horseback riding, in case any of you were getting concerned.)

Friends:
I'm really not sure what to do. I've decided that there will be no boyfriends for this year, because I can't handle the thought of first off, when I break up wih this kid because everything good ends, not having enough time to at least make sure we're tlaking by the end of the year, before I head to college; second, because with all this other shyt over my head, I can't possibly deal with a reltionship. College, School, Sports, Friends, Family, Life, Sanity. They all take a giant part of my brain, and I'm sorry, but do you see any spaces for Romance? No? Didn't think so. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. Maybe I'll find someone to sweep me off my feet. But do I really want that?
As for all my friends out there this year, I think maybe I'll clue them into what's happening to me, sort the waters, and see if they still want to deal with life and all it's little problems. I'm having a great year, as far as this subject's going, but there's an undercurrent of heaviness, that I know will come out by third quarter, ending with everyone hating everyone by fourth. And then I don't see anyone over the summer, and guess who's screwed when they head to college?

Family:
I'm really not sure what I want to put up here with family. We're split. And only mom and seth know the truth about me, so dad thinks I'm little miss perfect compared to my screw up brother. I suppose that is jsut one more topic that'll be brought up in the car on the way to the boat, whenever. I drove around a lot last night, most of the time, simply in autopilot, trying to jsut get out of the house and away from the screaming, name calling, and blame dealing. I'm worried about my brother. And my mom was right; I am duplicitous. I worry for Joe being stupid, yet I hand my brother his pot. *shakes head* I don't even know what to say about that.

Really great friends:
You know who you are out there, the ones I talk to about the perfect guy, what is love, how come some people don't understand math and others do, why things happen the way they happen; the ones who let me swing on their ropeswing when it's the only simple pleasure left in the world to me, the ones who I can live with should I ever need to, and those who I can be stupid with, get caught by the police, and never stop laughing about the event: To all you, thank you. You my never be there at the exact moment whenI need you, but because I can think of you, and remember all the good times, put myself in a place with you and talk to you, think about what you would say, I can get back to reality from the plane of horror I descended to. Thank you for that.

Sports:
I'm quitting. I can't deal with Cross-Country right now. I don't want to run, and I sure as hell don't want to give up horseback riding for running. I'm so sorry to all you out there who were depending on me. I'm letting you down yet again. Get used to it, it's pretty commonplace in my world.
Horseback riding. What can I say. Soon as I step into the barn, smell the hay, hear Major nickering for me all the way at the end of the barn, I know I'm home. And though bad shyt happens there, making me want to curl up in a ball and hide under the stairs, eventually, I always can just... get back up and ride to safety. Horses ground me, and at this point, I need to be grounded. Often. So... With this offer from Ralph, I'm going up more than once a week, to work on my form, play with my new horse, and ground myself.

Miscellaneous things:
Dan, I miss you, my ultimate ground. I'm going to try to get over there today, see if I can say hi, all that good stuff. You know, get yelled at by Clarissa, watch your skinny form get roughed around, know that I'll never ride you ever again, and remember all the good times we had. Yeah... That's about it. I'm so sorry for leaving you...