It's New Year's Eve, and me, Kate, and Emily are going shopping so we can look cute! I'm excited! It's going to be great! haha Carolyn is coming over early, as is Katie... I think we're gonna head to Josh's before anything really gets started over here, say hi and all that jazz so he knows we love him, then head back and party the night away.

I -love- my new little Zen-pod. That's what I'm calling it, hehe It is so cute! Little and sleek, it makes me want to just run my fingertips up and down it, just so I can feel how smooth and silky feeling it is. Then turn it over quick-as-a-rabbit, and turn up the music so I can't hear the world outside anymore! How awesome is that? Or... just look at the crazy pictures I have of all the things I've done, enjoyed, and laughed about. Maybe I'm a bit obsessed. haha

Naomi, I think you're right. About the situation we talked about briefly. He needs to speak up so I can stop speaking out. *grimace* I did it again. I'm coming to a crossroads where I'm not sure whether I'm glad everyone knows that when I say such hateful things to take them with a grain of salt, or really quite sad that this is becoming the case. I mean, what kind of person must I be, to have to practically train my friends to disregard what I say!? Jesu-crow! Though, I will admit, beyond this one person, I have not done it to anyone else for a -long- time. And I've been very good about it with them, it's just... sometimes I have a bit too much to drink and well, it's just not good for my mean streak. Gives it a bit too much free rein.

Oy. Oy vey.

Alright, now... Here's the question of the night. Who has more faith: Kamikaze pilots or someone dying of cancer who, bcause of their faith, cannot receive chemotherapy or western medicine?

I would like to lay down my thoughts, but I can't, as I have to clean and get ready for shopping... Yeah.

Hahah. Dude, can I jsut say you crack me up with, "I can see how that would go down... Baseball bat in one hand, grenade in the other." ?? I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. Isn't it unfortunate when you run into people who make you feel so helpless that the only way you can think of dealing with it is by... well, I'm sure you get the idea.

Thanks for the support, man. I really need some helping hands when I'm so tied up I can barely see which way is forward.

Speaking of forward- do I even know? No. You need to choose, boob. I know it's hard and I know that if I push, you will go away. But if I don't push, you'll go away, anyway. So... it's a question of, How hard? I've never been good at judging things between "Full Speed Ahead," and "Reverse," so work with me.

And how do you revamp a character modelled on yourself? Because honestly... I don't think I can. If placed in the same situation, how would I act? Probably the same way. Which is why I get the hell out of dodge when placed in that situation, because I know -nothing- good can come of it. Geez... It leaves me two choices really. Make a new character and hate her with every fibre of my being because honestly, friends who's RP style I can deal with, are scarce in the MT, or.... revamp Miss Rain. But I don't know how. This, my dears, is the problem. How do you revamp someone who is acting the -exact- way you would act in a given situation? I suppose react the way you do. Find different friends and give the ones who you're reacting out against, time and space. Unfortunately, this falls into the old... People who's RP style I can stand being scarce, routine. It's a catch-22, and I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe I'll jsut give the MT some time and space. Yeah right. It's vacation and I am going to be bored. Not going to happen. Booo Hiss. This sucks.

I think I'm going to go write Christmas Thank You notes to get them out of the way, and... take the doggies for a walk, see if the trails are open for running (Yeah Right), and... think about the various problems I have encountered and slept on and now can think sorta clearly about.

I think i need to have a chat with Shaina. *narrows eyes* I can see how that idea is going to go down... Like a lead balloon. You know what? -That's- a catch-22, also. I can't fight it because then he'll hate me. I can't weedle it because it won't work. I can't let it lie because then -I'll- hate me. God... I don't think I can win this one. It's another Catfish waiting to happen. OMG... It -is- another Catfish waiting to happen. Fuck. He's got 2 weeks. Make some changes or I'm gone, dude. I will -not- be hurt again.

(Lmao... How many time do I say this, mean it, and revoke it? Oy...)

Oh man! What a great day today! Auntie Heather and Uncle Chris and the kids were over- One of those things you don't realize you missed it until you see them. It always surprises me how things that you take for granted surprise you and make you realize just how fragile they are. Okay.. Time for the SB. hah More later on today.

They're all sitting upstairs eating lobsters. I don't know what my problem is. It's like I can't get out of my own cynical view. I just can't stop weighing things that I took for granted, before. I cna't stop taking even the simplest actions and weighing them against what I know, what I do, what I see with everyone else. And if makes me so unhappy- like I can't just... be here. I have to judge and weigh and just... be so goddamn cynical! I hate it!

On a lighter note, Christmas is fantastic- I owuldn't give up this holiday for anything, even Easter. I just... It's me this time. There's just so much tension. I don't even know if they can feel it. Maybe it's just me and tension I have. But there is tension somewhere... It feels like something is strung too tight and about to snap. I can't really put my finger on it. I want to go back to Narragansett. I would rather be in a house by myself, with nothing to do, than be with my family in a warm house where the people love me, I know they do, and Ive got friends 10 minutes down the road. What is wrong with me?

Oy. Some lighter note, huh? LoL

The party at Auntie Lou's last night was funny as all hell. I drank margaritas with Steph and Chris- it seems like once Steph asked me if I wanted a margarita and I accepted, Chris accepted me. Like... Once i'd proven I was old enough, he could relax around me. Steph, too... Well, more than she'd been, but then again, she was quite buzzed. heh Silly Stephie! Goats in Galoshes, that's all I have to say about that. hahah

Santa, and helpers in the form of relatives, were very nice to me this year, dropping off suck goodies at Zen Microphoto somehting-or-others (Like an IPod, only better!!), awesome tassle-hats, a hair straightener I can be proud of, a magnet sculpture kit, and an awesome camo shirt reading, "Ha! I can see you... But you cna't see me!" among others...

Sitting around the tree this morning with my family was great- I had the dogs all curled up on hte couch with me, like I always somehow manage, and my mom and dad on the loveseat, with my brother in the big comfy chair. It was a great scene. I love watching people open gifts you packed with them in mind- it's the best feeling you can have.

Christmas truly is the best holiday- even if your family is crazy, they can still come together for some things- We went to church! hehe I actually kind of enjoyed it. I'm not sure I want to go every week, but it was nice to just sit down and remember all those little prayers I learned so long ago. I was surprised that I was the only one of the family who didn't have to open the book to remember the Nicene Creed and whatnot. It was kind of exciting. hehe

Anyway, I'm going back to the family scene- the lobster was getting to me, so I had to leave. LoL Yeah... I'm -still- allergic, dammit!

Matt and I were talking about war this morning, and he was telling me about how WW1 and WW2 were necessary and how the current War on Terrorism was not. I said I just didn't understand the idea of war- I mean, I understand it in theory, I jsut don't get why it has to happen. I guess I jsut don't understand human nature. I live it, I just don't understand it.

So, I found it rather interesting when, while I was bored and just happened to find Cold Mountain to read, I found this little passage: "The wounded Federals moaned and keened and hummed between gritted teeth on the frozen field and some called out the names of loved ones.... The Federals were thick on the ground, lying all about in bloody heaps, bodies disassembled in every style the mind could imagine. A man walking next to Inman looked out upon the scene and said, If I had my way everything north of the Potomac would resemble that right down to the last particular. Inman's only thought looking on the enemy was, Go home."

I understand Inman completely in that one moment. I just don't understand the basics os human nature, and so I don't understand war. I listened to the Presidential Address the other night and it made me proud to have a President who would admit his mistakes, and who confronted thm head-on. I know some (Okay, so like... All of you minus Beth -at least we're together, right Bethy?) who read this will condemn me, but I really believe that he's doing the best he can. Just like everyone else.

I'm kind of like the month of March, except it's more like, "Up like a lion, down like a lamb." As in, I get up swinging, ready for a fight, and I head to sleep nice and easy, docile, even.

I went to sleep itchy and woke up snapping. I don't know what the certain change of heart was, but I'm sure the talk with Sarah had a bit to do with it- she gave me concrete evidence to back up suspicions I'd been having. Poor girl, she is so incredibly sweet and kind and just so worried about him, she thought I was going to listen and make things better.

So what do I do??

I bolt, without socks or a shirt (A sweatshirt, though), throwing alcohol money at him as I go, out the door. I shoulda-woulda-coulda-think all the way to the Wildlife Refuge, then whip a U-turn in a side street and head back. I'm picking a fight, Goddammit.

I've heard so much shit, so much crap, and he himself is so... untouchable, I decided it was time for a little confrontation. Probably the worst time in hte world, becuase neither of us is going to see hte other over break, and well... Meh. I basically gave him reasons as to why I feel so insecure, and how that one fact is the reason for so many "little" scuffs that I have attempted to argue about. Ileft it off as, when he figured out what he wanted, he knew how to reach me.

I'm figuring I'm about as well as broken up. He is so stubborn and insecure, he probably won't call me, because he thinks I'm angry or something foolish along those lines. It's rather sad. Sarah and I came to a mutual conclusion- he was getting better, much better, in hte past couple weeks. I almost thought, for the briefest of windows, that maybe it would work... Maybe. *shakes head* Oy. Maybe I should get my head checked.

It's sad. I'm sad. I'm not sure whether I'm more disgusted at myself for getting into another stupid situation that I definitely should have kicked before I actually got emotionally attached, or if I'm just... sad. The disgust probably would be more of a factor if I wasn't so attached. But I am dumb, we know it. And so I'm just sad.

heh... At least I managed to show Kate a really nice guy through it, right? And me and Sarah are getting along better- I really like her, she's so cute. haha

LMAO!!
Last night was hilarious when it wasn't aggravating. We had an orgy on Matt's bed. Orgy as in... Me, Matt, Kate, and John- it was... FANTASTIC. And until I had to get up and pee, it was rapidly turning into one. Except that I kept looking over at John and Kate and laughing, and Matt would smack me and be like... "Over here! Quit that!" It was rather hilarious, I'm sure you can see the humor in it. (OH wait, lemme clarify- we weren't having sex, jsut making out and... other stuff... heh) Oh yeah... Kate's quote, "I die every time I think about it." Yes, she is sitting right here beside me, reading as I type. hahah I love my roomie... ROOMIE LOVIN'!!!!! Bwuahaha!!

I am a primo, one-of-a-kind matchmaker. John and Kate have hit it off, after that one disastrous night where Matt and John sequestered themselves in Matt's room to play video games and left us out on the couches with Sarah and Katie. They went out on A DATE!! -I- haven't even gotten a date! WTF, MAT(E<->T)?!?!? He is so sweet to her. I kinda watch them out of the corner of my eye sometimes and it amkes me smile!! They're so cute together!! Kte's blushing as I type... Or she would be if she was readinf it. Oh oh! there is it! haha

Anyway.. .Enough emo-ness (Now I'm doing it- wtf if wrong with being emo?? And why does emo necessarily mean bad? I mena... You can be emo-good,right?! Geeeeeez.))

Oy.

I am fucked up. No question about it.

I think Kevin underestimates Matt. I think I underestimate him. I think he underestimates himself. I think it needs to stop.

"Abby's Existing Situation
Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give her recognition and approval.


Abby's Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.


Abby's Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved as she feels rater isolated and alone. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, though she tries to avoid open conflict.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.




Abby's Desired Objective
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.


Abby's Actual Problem
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.


Abby's Actual Problem #2
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity."

If you have thoughts, send me one! Linds, I know you do... And so what if I don't like cats? I'll have -stuffed- cats instead! And by stuffed cats, I mean cute purple ones bought at Toys 'R Us.


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Mmm... Sounds about right.... Whatcha think, maties?!

Wednesday was a thoroughly exciting day for me. I washed my car at a car wash with Laura, and took pictures of it, then... me and Kate put up christmas lights and lights on the tree and whatnot, then Matt came over, and OMG... I was so excited, I stayted up till 1 AM bouncing of fhte walls! Matt told me that if I hadn't tried walking sideways up walls, I could start and probably succeed. I nearly died laughing, and looking back, it's not really funny. At all.

OMG... I'm so jealous of KATE!!! AHHH!!! LoL She went on a date with John tonight- How come I never get to go out on Dates?! Geeeezzz... Can't a girl have some fun every once in a while?? I'm so happy for her, he's sooo sweet! hehe And cute! hehe Kay... enough of this, Matt will think I'm thought-cheating, Lmao

What else, what else?? I'm DONE WITH EXAMS!!! I completely bombed Latin, but Micro was a breeze. I mean ,I only studied for maybe a couple hours total, and dude, I think I did AWESOME!!!

Oh, excitement!! I got Matt's present, and it is... Hilarious. No other word for it, except maybe... And I enjoyed this word very much when someone used it to describe the present- Scandalous. Oooh.. .What a good word, huh? Who would ever think I would do anything "Scandalous"?! I'm so excited! haha hehehe... I'm sooooo excited about his present... I wanna tell everyone, because I think it is soooooo awesome. Crazy! Insane! Fantastic! HILARIOUS!!! How else can I say that I think he is going to love it, and possibly want to kill me at the same time?!

I -love- sappy movies, they make me feel so... eeeeee... that is an exclamation of that hot, tight, incredibly sweet feeling you get in the center of your chest when you see something that is just so... nice. heh The whole point of sappy movies, I suppose. I need to take a shower and get my arse over to Emily's, so i can leave and go to James's... haha

So much fun! YAY!

I am sick again... It kinda sucks, hardcore. I can't stop coughing, I can barely breathe, and it onset in about... 2 hours. Stupid F'ing cold. I hate having weak lungs. I swear, it's the only part of me susceptible to infection. Which would suck if I had the bird flue- I mean, it affects your lungs, I would DIE!!!

I'm feeling small and... I don't know what word I want. It was there ,then it left. Susceptible? No. Infectious? Yes, but no. Unloved? Not at all... Vulnerable. There it is. Vulnerable. I feel small and vulnerable. I think it's because I'm sick- my head doesn't work and I feel like I just got run over by a bus. All I want is to curl up and have someone watch over me, take care of me like my mommy used to. I was thinking of that today. I fell asleep on the couch just before we had to go to a party, and I thought, "If this were a family party, my mommy wouldn't make me go, because she would know that I wasn't feeling good- just because I fell asleep when i should be getting ready." And it made me sad because I knew that Kate would make me go, and my mommy wouldn't be there to make her go away.

Sure enough, 5 minutes later, Kate the Harpie was standing over me, tugging on my arm, demanding I get up, because I had to go, etc .etc. Pooh on her. Emily gave me a Dessert Fondue thingy- looks like a Hershey's kiss and promises to be just as fun as kissing... haha My tasteless gift certificate to Panera went over well, because danielle, my victim of tasteless gifts mentioned above, is a Panera Virgin (OMG!!! Another corrupted soul!!) and so Emily and I are going to make her a Panera Whore. hahah Cinnamon Crunch bagels... OMG... Sinful... hhahah

Then we went over to Luis's and brought him his birthday cake Kate and I made earlier, complete with "Feliz Cumpleanos Luis" in blue lettering on chocolate frosting- looked surprisingly good, I have to give it to Kate- and we ate it. It was delicious. I was not hungry, but it was delicious.

I still don't feel good, so I'm going to bed. Hah... If my boy wants to see me, he can drive here, because I am going to bed... heh I'll think of games later, h'otay?! H'otay. Night y'all! Sweet dreams!!!

OMG... I was so cute this morning. Even I will admit to being cute sometimes... I had on my bro's old snowhat that doens't fit him anymore. It pulled down ot my eyebrows and past my ears, so my hair was puffy underneath. Then, on top of that, I had on the giant green sweatshirt I so favor, and a pair of jeans that have major holes in the arse, with a pair of black spandex underneath. So hott! haha

then, I had my puppy- YES, SPRITE!!! On a leash and I was popping around in sneakers and it was so cute! I worked with Dad from 10-3, then we put up the Christmas tree in my living room, and now I'm going bed... I cleaned my room, made food, put food away, and a few other things in between, but I am going to bed. I'm tired. And I hav eto be DD tonight... Icky.

I hope tonight is warmer than today was... Brrr... Oh yeah, and I walked the 6 blocks to the library and the bank, because I can't afford gas. haha Yay me!

Mmm... My bed...

I had to shovel the driveway today. the guys drove up and were like... Oh! We would've done it! I really don't think they realize that shoveling 15*7 square feet of blacktop is really the least of my worries. I can do it boys, no worries. hehe

That driveway is going to be a BITCH this winter. Especially is the plow boys are as efficient as they were today. I mean, if you can't drive in the streets, where are you going to get the momentum to drive up this shitty little driveway?

Thank you, m'dear for fixing my car. I greatly appreciate it. hehe Now I don't have tp pull over and spray my windshield with a spray bottle... haha Appreciado mucho. Un juego? Si, mi chico, si. Juegos estan muy divertido. (My Spanish sucks. I'm amazed I can remember stuff from 4 years ago, personally.) BTW... Splash Canvas is... not as good as I thought they would be. I'm going to go listen to them after I'm done writing, but as I half- listen to them now, I'm not really feeling it.

Laura! Where are you!? I never see you anymore?! Are you going to the partay tomorrow? OF COURSE YOU ARE!!! You're going to be my navigator. Because I love you sitting shotgun. And because I'm going to make you find me parking in Providence. LoL


What else, what else?! I've got nothing. the post below was edited, I did feel horrible after writing it. Whatcha gonna do? I'm a horrible person, LoL

I swear there is something wrong with me. I mean, the littlest thing can throw me into a RAGE!! A full-blown, screaming-meemie, fist-throwing, rage. And I jsut had one., I'm in the midst of the tail end of it right now. And I know, I just know I'm going to regret everything I wrote in about... 20 minutes. When I read it back and take it down nice and quietly because I wrote things hurtful and cruel and completely true at that moment. Like this- I wrote this away message in the crest of my rage blackout, and it was only the edited versio nthat appeared, because evidently, AIM has a limit on the number of characters that can be shown. Here, my friends, is the full original version, because I am stillin my rage-stage and... honestly, I want to remind everone just how fucking horrible I can be when you get me evil-pissed. I want to key your car, rip your banner, and stick gum in your computer fan vent. Fortunately, I am a functioning memeber of society, so I wil ltake it out quietly on myself. I will get ulcers and be very very angry for a very short time, while I write horrible things that everyone can read while I've forgotten it';s there, and... well... Whatever!

Oh yes... Quite angry. Calming down more by the second, but still quite angry. Do you think it's your job to make me hate you? I mena, I jsut don't udnerstand. You are certianly on the right track. With every one of these rages you send me into, it's that much easier hte next time. And you wonder why I cringe and never know when to run and hide. Because everything goes so well, and then it's like... *SMACK*

God... This is so ridiculous. LoL Yes, I actually did crack a smirk on that. At myself. Because... Do you know how fcked up this is? Kevin and Matt were joking around about taking my Transiberian Orchestra tickets that I managed to snag for my parents, and I knew they were kidding, but I got to ANGRY because seriously... When it comes to my parents, just... unless you want to die, you better not say anything even remotely bad.

I never know when you're serious! You do things sometimes, that I could've sworn you wouldn't do, so I never know when you're being serious. Never. The lily thing today? I'm absolutly positive it will never come to fruition- especially after tonight. Darn, and I was so excited about that. Fuck. Way to go, Abs. But these tickets... yOU got that serious tone and look, and it was all over. The reason why I got up and left so quickly? Tears of frustration. There was no way in hell you were seeing me cry over something I knew was retarded- so I left, and cried, and got pisse dbecause I cried because you were being an ass and carrying it too far, and... I exploded.

These tickets... I swear, I try to buy my way into favor, and these tickets are like gold. Not only that... My parents- they've been through so much with my brother, that I will do -anything- to make them smile even for a moment. ANYTHING. Look, I'm crying again. Stupid Abby cries over anything. And you, even though I was nearly positive you were kidding, that 1% of doubt threw me over the edge.

And the whole thing about me "sobbing"... Waaaay too far. In fact, let's take it back a step and say that if you ever threaten me again, you are not to come into this house or near me ever again. I would give up Josh and Beth and Ray and Dave and everyone who I've come to really like and enjoy their company, just to avoid you. Completely uncalled for and... don't do it. I know you never would, but putting up that "tough guy" image and refusing to back down, just doesn't work. You don't have to be whatever it is you're trying to be, all the time.

I would like to think I know you well enough to say you'd never do it, but refusing to let it go when there's no one around scares me. It's like my mom telling me I'm second best even when he's not around- just... what is the point? Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?

Oy. I'm rational now and already cursing myself for writing half this shit, but this is my journal. Some of it should probably be in the SB, and when my headache goes away enough for me to read it over, I will C&P those parts away. For now, whoever reads this, take the above with a grain of salt and don't worry- I got it. I can handle it. I dont need help taking care of myself, and if I do, I'll ask.

Argh. I jsut called Sherri and she doesn't want a rider until spring. Bah. Poop. And all that crap. Darn... I was kinda excited about that... Damn.

Meh, not toooo much going on, had a great time at lunch with Kevin and Josh the other day- hilarious. I love Josh's accent. It cracks me up- even more when I try to imitate it for stories, haha He has this theory i want to hear, LoL I'm going to get it out of him one of these days, LoL

Had a good time with Matt the past couple days- I'm just never sure what to think, LoL But, taking it a day at a time, it's been cool the past couple days. After making sure he knew I was not happy and then explaining most of it out, it's better. I understand what Josh was saying, and it's alright. Deal one day at a time, right? Right.

OMG... Dave jsut showed my this AWESOME video from college humor. Duuuude... Slip 'n Slide! Go play, it's hilarious! heheh I'm watching it again....

Okay, I'm done. Gotta go do my copious amounts of work. Copious, from the latin root, copia, copiae, f. meaning plenty. Or, copiae copiarum, f. troops, supplies.

Maybe not> Meh... That's why I'm going to fail my Latin exam in a week. AHHH!!!

I laugh, and it turns caustic; bitter even when I had meant it to be light. I wonder if Dave shakes his head when I come back from these visits. I inevitably come back more tightly wound than when I left. I wonder if he ever regrets living with me and my insanity. Probably. I would if I were them.

I sometimes wonder whether I'll ever find someone who I can get along with for more than 2 weeks. I'm beginning to think not. You'd have to be psychic, along with sweet and good-looking (C'mon now, a girl can wish, right??). Psychic... Oy. Or just be willing to communicate at all. *shakes head* Yeah... I don't think so. I'm going to be a cat-lady. You know, the old woman who lives in the shack with her 80 or so cats?? Yeah, now you got it.

It's the end of the semester, thank God. I am so ready to just throw my hands up and give up, I always know when the semester is coming to an end. I get so careless. I jsut can't be bothered to CARE anymore. I'm so tired of everything!

I always want to go home, because home is where things are supposed to be good, right? where the bad shit is supposed to go away. So, how come when I walk up the front stairs, I wish I could turn around and run back home. Yes, home. As in Narragansett, with boys who torture me and make me cry, homework that confuses and annoys me, and no mommy to go running to when I have a bad day. What happened to my home!? Where has it gone?! At this rate, the snowbank is looking like an adequate place to rest my head- at least I would ahve bigger worries than this headache that is threatening to rip my skull in two. At least dad is driving me home... I hope nothing bad happens between now and then.

Cnai just say it is 11:03 and I -just- woke up from a 5 hour nap on Kevin's bed? Oh yes, there was talking and sprawling and curling and mumbling and all the good stuff that comes with me sleeping, involved. How fucking -awesome- is that?! Now I can stay up for another 6 hours and DIE!!! LoL That's okay. I'm going to bed anyway. Whatever! I obviously needed the extra sleep, and I only woke up because my stomach was eating itself. I wonder what's wrong with me. I have African Sleeping Sickness again... The Tse Tse fly bit me... Shit. Those goddamn Tse Tse flies.

But now I'm recharged, a nd... readyto rool! Wheeeee!!! Partay! Partay!!
OMG... My foot is twitching so badly, my desk is VISIBLY shaking. And my foot is onthe floor. You know, where feet belong. Isn't that FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC?!

Meh, gotta look up churches, brb

I tried on boots with Linnae today. It was so much fun! I love boots, though I'm not sure why. I must have 5 pairs of gorgeous boots- all sizes, cuts, and colors- that I never wear. I think it must be that I absolutely love wearing them and the way they look and all that, but after 1/2 an hour, 15 minutes even, my feet, legs, back, are KILLING me. Argh. Why are boots such an oxymoron?! Wonderful and yet horrible!! ARgh!! It hurts my head.

I am so looking forward to this party tomorrow night. It's going to be a hella bash! Whee!! And I am going to have so much fun, I don't even care what happens. haha

BTW>.. If you read this, park at the church lot, 2 streets down and take a left.

Okay.. .latin time. Then... whatever else I cna get this frazzled mind of mine t odo. Icky. Like whoa. argh...

Mmm... My broccoli and chicken dinner is amazing! I need to learn how to cook more often! hehe

I am pretty sure Kyle hates me. The look on his face the other day, even Dan commented. It was almost amusing in its look of utter repulsion. I am actually very amused at the effect I have on that boy.

Oooh!! I have another card to post up on my window!! I' mso excited!! hehe YAY!

I refuse to be in a bad mood. I said it earlier today, and I know, I just know... It was due to bad timing that I was placed in a fit of annoyed hatefulness. Just once, I would love to say the evil, nasty, hateful things that I know I am quite capable of coming out with, when I want to. I had a good one today, and I bit it back, like I so often do, because it was -really- good. And that means that after I shut up the whole room and made the person who it was directed towards, wince, i would feel horrible for a LONG time. But sometimes, sometimes I wish I could jsut be so incredibly cruel that I could say something and walk out, not caring how they felt. But that's just not me. I would feel incredibly bad after one of my rare vicious comments. Meh... I guess it's for the better. Granted, they would have shut up and I would have been quite happy about that, but the after effects are worse than a bad hangover! So... Meh.

BUt I am in an awesome mood! Kevin's accusing me of smoking crack and I'm floating around like I'm in a dream! It's great! I love this particular mood! It's CRAZY!! I never know what I'm going to do next!! hehe

Mmm... This broccoli is GREAT!! I mena, truly fnatastic. Possibly the best steamed broccoli I've ever made! It's simply breath-taking.
I need to go to the gym. I pay for this membership, and I doubt I've used it 25 times. Lmao Sick, huh?

Meh... I'm done. I've go plenty of chicken to munch on for the rest of the ngiht and possibly tomorrow, heh Good deal! Wheee!!

Now, don't everyone get their panties in a twist. Aight? We all know this is my rant page. When I'm pissed, I write on here so I don't take out a wall or my favorite stuffed animal. Granted, last night was rough, mainly due to the influence of parents that love to play mindgames without you even realizing you're the pawn- I guess that is the ultimate of strategy, eh? Maybe not even parents, just parent. Meh. Family issues that are as old as the hills shouldn't bother anyone- they may have fucked you up, but don't let them bring you down, right? Right.

John, Matt and Naomi, in order of whn I spoke to you, or vice-versa, thank you. *shakes head* I sometimes think that people come out of the woodwork to show support for strangers, and it makes me relieved that not everyone is as selfish and cruel as I have come to believe. John, just talking to you last night, joking around and being goofy, you creepy old man!!, thanks. I needed it.

Matt, what can I say? You crack me up. That comment about fighting had me staring, then cracking a smile, then laughing like crazy! You boosted my confidence and helped me laugh at the same time. Thanks. It makes a difference when someone you know and care about reminds you that you're -worth- caring about. heh PS. Are you feeling Italian or Chinese tonight? (Panera! Panera!!)heheh

Naomi, you are always there. I can treat you like shit, or treat you not at all, and you are always there. Girl, you should be awarded some kind of sainthood or something. How do I nominate someone for that?? I'm so sorry, hun. I am a horribl person sometimes, we both know this. And when I get stressed, I break down even more. One of these days, I'm going to get enough money and time, and head down there so I can see your crazy hair. hehe Thanks for caring, woman.

Trips down memory lane. Gotta love them. Or better yet, avoid them altogether and save yourself the rage blackout. OMG... I cannot believe I just did that. To kate, kevin... I can't believe I sucked them into my own private hell. I thought it was buried, like so much else. Evidently not. It's jsut carefully hidden under glass floors and behind glass doors. Waiting for boxes to be moved aside and locks pried open before they can be seen and heard from again.

Kate asked me how my weekend was and I told her it had been great. And I honestly thought it had been. Until I started telling her about it. About how I was so annoyed and uptight that Matt smoked himself retarded then drove home and expected me to be alright with it; about how I'm still the "good" kid, but Seth is now the "perfect" child. I think I want couseling again. Want to know how to fuck up a kid? Make them second best. Make it blatantly obvious who the favorite is, has been and always will be- in front of them. Oh, there are much faster, quicker, easier ways of doing it- Get drunk and throw your kid through some cabinets, or get high and molest them... I'm sure there are easier ways to do it. But a really good lasting way to really fuck with your kid is by making them believe they can never be good enough. Never. No matter how hard they try, or how much they do, you will never be as proud of them as their sibling.

And by sibling, I mean the kid who fucked up everyone's lives by being a drug addict. (Oh man, i can't even imagine how jealous I sound right now. And the sad thing about it is: I -am- jealous. More horribly jealous than I ever have been in my life. Probably the only thing I have ever been truly jealous of in my life, is my brother. Fucked up, innit?)

Just imagine this scenario. My bro is my mom's favorite. I am my dad's. It's always been that way, always will be. My dad was never around when I was a kid, so you can imagine how sides went. Mom always tried to be fair, but somehow you always know who the favorite is, there's no simple way about it. So I was always second-best. I was the one who had the expensive habits, was not very social, never really fit in, over-weight, and spent more time reading then anyhting else. So I gave up on trying- whenever anyone was looking, that is.

Then Seth's "problem" came into play. And you can imagine how mom felt, now that her golden boy is no longer golden, and I am. Still Dad's gone with his new job, but now I've got a car, friends, job, and refuse to be part of this household where the only thing that goes on is comparing Seth to me- but only in the areas where I fail horribly and he succeeds. Imagine the shit that rains down.

And now... Now he's the perfect child. No longer on drugs, getting good grades, doing housechores, Whoop de frieking do! Guess what the standing is once again: Seth- Golden Boy, Abby- Good Child.

I quit. I retire, I give up. I love Mom dearly, but her crowing about "Perfect" Seth would have caused one Good Child to leave and not look back on Thanksgiving Day.

An example, jsut so I can look back and remember why I should -never- think that I am best in anything: Seth got his permit a week ago. "Oh, Seth ,you're doing so much better on the first day then Abby ever did with her permit! You're doing so well!!"
My thoughts on the matter?: Yeah... Of course he's doing better than me. He STOLE your cars and drove them around town enough. He had best be better than I was when I first started!!

Meh... What're you going to do?

Maybe that's why I was so annoyed with Matt Saturday and today. Maybe it's residual annoyance from my family. Maybe, just maybe, if had bothered to start speaking, I never would have stopped until I was dropped off at this house Saturday night and told to never come back. All I know is that if I'd had my car this morning, I never would have stayed until 12. I would have left and gone before he'd even gotten his ass out of bed. the walk on the beach cleared my head, made things clear to me that were previously hazy. And though I'm sure some of it was unnecessary, communcation breakdown is very bad when it comes to me. If you don't talk, don't talk to me.

When you see my foot twitching and hear the words, "Fine," and, "Nothing," come out of me in response to questions, they're a good indication that something is indeed wrong. He asked, but I didn't know.

Talking to Mom, I never realized that she dislikes Dad as much as she does. I never realized how "they" came about. I never realized there were so many things wrong with whatever it is I'm doing with Matt. The lack of communication, the P-word hurts (P-word, my new term for pinching, poking, prodding and anything along those lines that hurts like hell and shouldn't.), his refusal to do anything that would make me happy, the constant "You're wrong and so is anything you do," messages, and, because of all these and so much more, my abject refusal to get any pleasure out of anyhting we do, anymore. It's not fun anymore, it's work. And I shouldn't have to work at something that's supposed to be fun.

Communication can't change that. People don't change. He's not going to change. I could badger him about it up, down, and sideways. It probably won't change, and even if it did, it would only be temporary. I think I jsut talked myself into a dissolvation of whatever this ridiculous relationship is.

And then... the next time he's ridiculously sweet- meeting me at the door with a fleece blanket and tucking me into bed so I'll be nice and warm, I'll forgive him. Because I'm a sucker. Argh.

Meh... I know what to do. I jsut have to suck it up and do it. Fuck this shit, why waste your time on someone who doesn't care enough to worry about it?

Oh, I'm saaaaaad. SB and Ala invited me to go out last night, and if I hadn't had to work, or had my car, i definitely woulda. So it just went up my butt even more today when I found out that Christine had gone, too... Awww... I wanted to hang out with the girlies!!!

Pooh on snow and no car. Pooh, I say. Pooh. And Pooh on sleeping through pie! Seriously, who falls asleep for 4 hours and cannot be woken up? ME!!!
I SLEPT THROUGH PIE!!!! Thank god they saved me a piece, or I would been P-I-S-S-E-D, Pissed!!

As it is, I'm helping Steph move on Sunday... haha Yay me! I tried to recruit help, but no go. No one wants to help a girl in need anymore. What has the world come to!?

I think I'm going to Costa's tonight... Not so sure, though.
I may jsut stay home and be a fatty. haha Sound like fun? I thought so... hehe I dun know... I don't wanna hang around if it's a bunch of guys sitting around palying Goldeneye- a gam I have come t oloathe because I cannot play it!!!

I have nothing to do. Except study for latin. Whee!! So, I'm reading my book and chilling out and typing in my blogger and... relaxing. Talking to Andrew, who I'm not sure doesn't want more than jsut friendship. In fact, I'm reasonably sure he wants more. Interesting. Very much so. heh. I dunno. LoL

Boys are so "Meh," right now. I'm just not really all that sure about what I want or where I'm willing to go right now. I'll figure it out, I jsut feel bad because I'm stalling... Blowing him off time and again, and surely confusing the shit out of him by doing so. Oops? I can't help it, I don't even know what I want.

thanksgiving is coming up! I'm sooooo excited! hehe It is, quite possibly, the -best- holiday out there. hanging with the Family, eating delicious food (OMG... Memere won't be there... No meat stuffing... No Memere... OMG, that hurts the team.), watching football and rooting for the best team, joking and laughing and telling stories. Being bored in that content, lazy, fat-bellied way that Thanksgiving gives you. Mmm... Best holiday ever, I think.

Christmas is another holiday I love- giving gifts for people you love, knowing that when htye open them, they'll look at you wide-eyed and happily surprised, excited that you found something they'd never before realized they wanted. hehe So much fun! Chilling in sweatpants by the woodstove, watching movies or reading books, just... being a kid again. How much fun can you have?!

Mmm... Yeah...

I am branded. Amusing, but highly annoying. How am I supposed to go out in public without being stared at? Seriously now... Who -does- that?? *shakes head* Oy. Oy vey. I want to go to a basketball game tonight, but I'm just not sure how that's going to go. Meh... What do I care, anyway? I'll just white up my face, paint up my lips, and pretend I'm Queen Amidala. haha

I had a tuna fish sandwich today! I swaer, I haven't had such a good tuna fish snadwich in a Loooooong time. LoL It was soooo good. Funny how something that you never particularly like can taste incredible if you haven't had it in a long time.

I'm sick. It made Micro lab a bitch, today.
Considering it was the most complicated lab to date, and I was sick, I had a rather rough time of it. I think Jenny wanted to kill me. I would've wanted to kill me. I couldn't remember anything, I was all over the place, I had no idea what I was doing, and even though I was trying to do stuff right, I was fucking up more than I was succeeding.

I don't think drinking last night, helped. In fact, I'm sure of it. Alcohol and colds simply don't mix well. It's like milk and alcohol.. Just don't do it. I thought I was hungover this morning, and that was why I felt so badly, but... 12 hours later and 2 bottles of gatorade, 2 full meals and what feels like a bottle of tylenol, and I feel no better, I am forced to conclude that I am sick. Shit. I don't hav etime for this BS. This Latin book staring me in hte face is killing me. I don't wanna think, I jsut want to... sleep.

At least there's only 14 sentences... I can bang them out in... 2 hours. Maybe an hour and a half if I'm lucky. LoL

I feel bad. I hurt Matt's feelings, and though he's done it to me more than I can count, I don't like the idea of revenge or retaliation. Today I pushed the envelope too far, and now I feel horrible. Argh... I hate it when I screw up and end up hurting someone's feelings. *shakes head* Sometimes, I wonder why I continue to speak. Maybe I will become a mime. Though, on second hand, I never could find a door out of those crazy boxes. Next time, I'll have to bring in some food and water. MIME FOOD AND WATER, of course. LoL

I played Beirut/Beer Pong last night! It was... amusing. Costa drank for me because I -hate- beer, and while he carried the team through hte first game, I -definitely- carried the team through the last. Once I worked my way through the rum I'd had earlier, I was, as Costa so aptly spoke, "En FUEGO!!!!" hahaha Which got turned into our team chant... "Estamos EN FUEGO!!!" Or... If you caught him at some points, the Portuguese Fight song. I have no idea what it was actually, but he told me he was yelling, "Champions! Champions! We are the champions!" *shrugs* But who can tell, really?

*shakes head* Argh.. I am feeling so horrible right now. Physically and mentally. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And I have to be kate's bitch tonight... I hope she knows I will drive, but not my car. 1/4 tank of gas? Not good, will freeze, tear up my lines and shit if it gets much lower... Geeezzzz.... Maybe I'll do homework with Luis, while we supervise her getting silly. Or maybe I'll jsut supervise everyone and be awesome like that. haha

A dinner at this plac etomorrow night?! Sweet! Josh, Meg, Costa (possibly), and whoever else wants to come.. .A PARTY!!! haha Yeah, right. I am kicking everoyne out after dinner and going o sleep. lmao What an awesome college student I make, right?

What to do, what to say? I don't know... I want kisses. Lots and lots, then just to be all curled up and held tight, so I can fall asleep without a care in the world, except whatever mischievous whim I may feel like acting upon. heh I suppose Latin it is, and then maybe tomorrow I can be bac kto normal, eh?

Argh... Being sick sucks. It makes me all twitchy and annoyed and defensive and... Icky. Boooooo!!

I don't want a dad... You don't have to keep things from me to... protect me? Protect her? I am a big girl, now... If you don't want me around, give me a reason, don't just... "ouch!" me. Sends the wrong message, if you get my drift.

Hah... I doubt you even read this, but if you did... There would be plenty to keep you occupied...

Had a -great- time last night. If there is something I love more than hanging with a bunch of guys and eating pizza, it is a good local bands show. And trust me, I ran into an AWESOME local bands show. I liked the crazy energy of Moz? Moss? LoL And I -loved- the ska-ish tunes provided by Senor Andrew and his motley crue. Broguht me back to when I used t ogo to concerts with Joe and them... Waaaaaay back when!! LoL

And then Jenny and I had a GREAT time looking up our diseases in the library. I don't think she ever fully understood the implications of what I meant when I said thta I -love- diseases. haha She has Ebola, which as we all don't know, I LOVE. it's the microbe that made me want to get into Microbiology i nthe first place. Wheee!! That and the bubonic plague, Anthrax, smallpox, basically anything that can kill ya with one whiff. haha

Gtg! School time! Wheee!!! *blink* I mean... Noooo....

Silvertide- Blue Jeans

I need this song. For sure. It's so awesome... Leetsy, how did you ever come by such awesome songs?!

Anyway... "What's witch the change?" "*with" ... Mmm... Just as a reminder to mull it over and possibly go into a bit of self-analyzation later. haha Narcissism Central, please wait until the train has come to a complete stop. Thank you.

Jeremy, I missed you!!! LoL

Mmmm... Last night was fun! Even without a sleepover party after! Dad took me out to dinner, as payback for waking me up and making me bring him my Windows CD... The Mews was awesome, as we all know it is. I love that place.It reminds me of how Gus's Red Tavern used to be, before it went down hte drain... Or Western. Though I must admit, those damned singing buzzards crack me up. They're ridiculous!! haha I really like the whole atmosphere of the place- laid back, but still really awesome food and people. Good deal, huh?

Then I came back to the house, slept until 11, when Kate woke me up with, "Abby, when are you getting over here?!" And so I got dressed, agreed on Kevin's cover story as to why he -wasn't- going, and headed out the door to Meg, Josh's gf's house. Unfortunately, we only stayed like... 20 minutes. Or, that's how long I stayed, anyway. I guess Linnae and Kate were there longer. Who knows? Anyway... Josh is hilarious, I love the kid. I need to start making friends at these parties, instead of being the wallflower- I mean, since when am I the wallflower?! Geez.

So, then they dragged me to the IEP party, where Linnae had a gorgeous boy with a Sexy Spanish Accent (From SPAIN!!) coveting her body, and... It was fun! It was more fun after I had Jeremy, my buffer, to hang out with. I love the kid. I really don't know why we fight so much, maybe because we're EXACTLY ALIKE... Maybe. Just maybe I'm hitting on something there. LoL I don't know. I missed him though. He's a good boy. He wished me sweet dreams last night! I was like... Awww!!! I miss you Jeremy!!! :) <--- Smiley face for you, boy! hah

I love sleeping on couches. I love sleeping on couches more when I have enough blankets to stay warm all night, instead of reverting to covering up with a blanket and pillows... haha Dude, I'm like cold-blooded, waht were you thinking only giving me one blanket?!

And... hahah... I am such a slut. A lovin' whore, is the term that I affectionately call myself deep inside my own headd- and now here! *shakes head* I need to make up my mind about what I want, because I am pinging around like a bouncy ball, and not only is it confusing and aggravating the shit out of me, I'm pretty sure everyone aound me is feeling the effects, too. Sorry guys... One of these days I will not be quite so volatile as I am... *hangs head* Meow....
I love you? Please deal with me? I don't know... Go hang me in the closet by my toes. That could hasten the process... or, every time I change my mind, use a stun gun on me. That might work, too. *nod nod* Maybe. Okies... Shower time! Adios!

OMG... Last night was... bad. Hilarious, but bad. Mainly the aftermath of stupid things I did. LoL The worst part of these bad things being that I don't remember WHAT THEY WERE!!!! Eesh.

And before I got trashed? That was possibly worse than after. Oh man... The things I said. I don't remember any specifics, all I get is a feeling of utter shittiness. Fantastic. Absolfuckinglutely fantastic.

I'm having problems... I don't really miss him, I mean... A month? Who misses someone after a month? But every once in a while, I get these urges to just... go see him, talk to him, bug him, whatever. And when I try to resist, it gets nasty- I have no willpower. At all.

But most of the time, like now, it's like something that I can jsut float on by and be like... Meh. I'm going out to dinner with my dad, Yay! No pissiness for the next hour, at least! LoL

Kate, you missed out... We're going to the Mews/Muse/howeveryouspellit... hahah MUAH!

I was doing my hair this morning (by "doing", we all know I mean doing as little as possible to make it even somewhat managed looking) and noticed that in the front, there are these little waves that you would never see because there's a layer of hair on top that just blots them out and covers them up. Then, I liftd this little curtain of hair and saw, lo and behold!, a whole head of glorious curls, hidden under a blanket of limp and blah-ish hair. How wonderful. I always knew that it was there, but I never thought of ever thinking about it, before. I wish I had.

It's like the underneath beneath hte underneath. haha So just stole that line from Kakashi, from Naruto. LoL What a frieking hoot. But really... It's like a metaphor for people. I wonder if people's hair all over resembles the underneath the underneath of them? What an interesting question. Kind of like if your name reflecs who you are, simply because it's a name and therefore it has an impact? Interesting little thought, huh?

I suppose it could, because both name and hair are part of you, your environment, the subtle things that you live with constantly, can't really get away from. A name you hate could make you choose to be called by another name, and nicknames probably arry more weight than that other name, but who knows? Dude... Now I wanna look it up and see!! Let's go check it out.

Okay, here goes:
From Zodiacal Zephy

Abby:
You are adventurous with a tendency to be foolhardy. You are aggressive and definitely have leadership abilities. You are a constructive thinker. You have a need for monetary security. There is a need to learn flexibility; a need to find your own identity. Your independence and freedom are important to you.


Michele:
You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

Guy:
You strive for perfection and worry when things don't turn out just so. You enjoy doing a job well. You tend to procrastinate. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. You must learn to give the same freedom to others that they want for themselves.

Now the real name...

Abigail:
You are adventurous with a tendency to be foolhardy. You are aggressive and definitely have leadership abilities. You are a constructive thinker. You have a need for monetary security. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job. You have a need to be up front. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you.


Michele:
You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.


Guy:
You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. Your independence and freedom are important to you.


Hmm... they say the same things for different names, though some of it

Okay... New info on the scene. That last post will stay because... well, I write what I want, when I feel it, and I can rescind it, or emphasize it at any point. Don't like it? Well... Meh, then. As in... Don't read it. Contents can be explicit in any way I please. Got it? good.

Besides that, it's good. I like it. It's a good piece of writing.

I rescind some of last night's things, most maybe not all, but most. Evidently I sound like a chipmunk when I eat popcorn with my mouth open. haha

I hate the way you play with me,
The way you pretend to care.
Or even like me.
I hate the way you seem so sweet,
You kiss me goodbye
You leave me for a
Stupid game.
I hate the way I'm nothing,
Nothing at all to you.
I hate the way you still love
her, and nothing
Can change it.
Can you tell how much I hate it?
Can you see?
I hate the way you see through me
See to the love and lust and
Sheer energy that is
Me.
I love the way you play,
Rough and sweet,
Sooo sweet.
Don't paly me with me.
Yes, do it. NO!
YES GODDAMMIT YES!!

Demanding?
No.
Quiet?
No.
Sweet?
Hell no.
Cheap?
No.
Caring?
No.
Do you care?
No.
Why should you?
Can i answer a question with a question?
Yes.
Piss off, but never leave... I hate my own indecision.. .I hope you read this, read the absolute want, the -need- for you and your kindnesses, the absolute hate, for you and how you make me feel so... disposable. Does it hurt? Does it fucking sting and burn and make you want to wince? Good. I hope it does, so you know how I feel every time you speak to me..

Does it make you hot and bothered, ready to jump on and make my eyes roll back, the unutterable sounds break free into the cool night air? Good. Know me. Know my mind, my soul, my body. Know me.

I hate you, I need you, I want to jump out an open window and fly...

Speak to me, boy. Speak to me, tell me what you want, tell me how to be. Just SPEAK TO ME. Or not. Goodnight.

I have discovered, with the intense pursuit of thought only encouraged by those first adventurers to the North Pole, or perhaps the brilliant wayfarers that discovered North America, that Burrillville runs at a slower pace than here. A step down in excitement, I admit, but still a discovery nonetheless.

Now, why, you ask, should I be concerned with that? And how in the -heck- did I first come up with this ridiculous theory?

Weeelll... I was thinking about this awesome weekend, and how it's going to be so awesome because of all the people in it who absolutely adore and who must absolutely adore me back, because they wwant me to be a part of their weekend! Yay for SB, and Ala!!! Yay for my bro and parentals! Yay for g-rents and whatnot!!! hehehehehe

I was thinking how I was possibly going to wake up on Sunday for like.. .waht... 5:30, to drop my g-rents off at the airport, when I was hanging with SB and Ala the niht before, and it came to my attention, that... I wasn't worried. Wouldn't be, because somehow or other, I would get enough sleep. WEird, huh? Now, why, I asked my tired brain, is this conclusion so positively anchored in my head?

It is because, said my brain, Burrillville runs at a slower pace than you currently do. You never used to wrry about sleep, because Burrillville shuts down at 10 at night, with the exception of Dunkin Donuts, which is open until 11. And then the town is closed... Until 6 am the next morning. Cute, huh?

I miss Burrillville... I miss being a bad kid and driving around Pascoag after all the stores are dim, I miss Crystal and Cat and late nights with my hooligan friends, and most of all, I miss the quiet. I miss the quiet that you could find, as long as you walked far enough in one direction, you would find it. Guaranteed. Could take you a bit- Less than an hour, guaranteed, but you would find quiet. Around here, it's harder to come by. Maybe I jsut don't know the spots. Or maybe I don't have the time to look. Either way, I miss the quiet.

Meh, I'm romanticizing it, I know. But, it's at points like these, when you're going home and you aren't sure that there aren't parties you're going to be missing, or things to do and people to see, that it's good to sit down, muse a bit, romanticize the place, and remember what things you used to enjoy about it, that are totally and completely possible, right now.

I can't wait to go home.

I am so excited Seth is coming home this weekend. Like... Jump up and down and scream, excited. CRAZY excited. haha I'm -not- excited about the fact that I have to be in Warwick for 8:30 tomorrow morning, but... whatever, right?

Things are good, W.P. Abby hasn't shown her ugly face, so we're doing pretty well... I'm praying she stays away until I can find some other distraction, at least.

Hockey tonight!! Whee!!! I'm excited! I love hockey! It's going to be great. Me and Kate, as far as I know, go to a hockey game! I should bring my camera... I used to take tons of pictures at hockey games... They never came out good, but I loved to take them, haha

I'm really tired. I think I may take a nap before going to the game with Ms. Kate. Maybe I'll eat something, too... Eating food generally helps. I haven't eaten anything more then 2 granola bars, a handful of pumpkin seeds, and a bite of Josh's Subway sandwich. Darn... I'm not hungry, either... I htink there's something wrong with me, LoL

I really need to stop with the ...'s. My new goal. STOP THE ...'S!!! hehehe Good luck with that one. YAY MY BROTHER'S COMING HOME!!! WHEEEEEE!!!!!

Well... I guess it's a good thing my mind was made up for me, huh? LoL Probably for the best, anyway... *shrugs* A bit sad, but at least truthful, right? Right?? I suppose now I can finally get myself one of those long-haired emo kids that I so looooove! haha Maybe he'll wear crazy clothes and have lots of band stickers... Maybe not. I know nothing about lots of bands... He might be like Joe-- completely likeable, yet completely untouchable until they run over a dog and cry. Poor Joe. I remember how bad that was... I think the start of Operation Shutdown Abby...

Anyway... Way to ramble, huh? Yeah. So... Yup. It's been over for at least a week. We just made it official last night. Whatever "it" was, since it never really got a name, anyway. Meh.. Good deal.

Oy. I don't even know what my thoughts are on the matter. And I'm not allowed to provoke him, says Kevin... Which we all know I love to do. heh I need to be nice, because Kevin will kill me. Oy. Stupid Kevin.

I don't know... I jsut don't know... *pout, whine, pine* Is it me, or is it real?? Am i being told it's okay, or is it me just wwanting it to be okay? Goddamn... You can't deny the hell I went though over the weekend and last week. But... My mom did laugh at that stuff, and... well... My mom is usually right. *le sigh* Meh... I suppose I'll take it a day at a time and feel it out.

Besides, my dream told me to. LMAO

Yeha, my dream, cutting to the chase: I was joking around with Finn, teasing him a bit, and being the very unhumorous, literal kid that he is, he took it seriously, and went running to his mom, screaming about, "Mom!! Abby's making fun of me again!! make her stop!" or something to that effect. And I protested, "Finn... I was just teasing you! It's a sign of affection! I only do it to people I -like-, who I think can handle it and know I'm kidding!" Aunt Heather looked me directly in the eye, "Some people think that teasing is a defense mechanism to hide what they're really thinking." I brushed it off with, "Well, that -could- be it, but Pssshhhh..."

I remember waking up thinking, -Affection-. Like... it was the answer. The rest of the dream was not as important as what I said, and what Aunt Heather said. Meh. I suppose we'll see.

Carolyn thinks I'm psychotic. And I'm pretty sure everyone else will too. But seriously, guys... You know I'm the most indecisive person ever, and well... I'm kinda psychotic myself. LoL

Who knows, maybe I'll just... choke on some mac n cheese and not worry about it?? LoL

First off...



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!



Linds, can I just reiterate how much you have my support and love all the time, but especially now, when I know you need it? If you need anything, anytime, call me and I will jump to! You are amazing, and I know you did what was necessary.

On that note: This is an exercise in futility. I'm sure you've already recognized it, and I'm sorry that it has taken me this long. You need time and space, and a fuck-buddy. I'm sorry... I don't provide any of the above. I really liked you, I still do. But I won't do this to myself. You hurt me one too many times, in too short a period. I guess it just wasn't meant to work. "Cut the ties, girl." Goodbye, Matt.

As for Halloween, because I hate ending on a depressed note, I made a very cute Naughty Schoolgirl, pictures in the photoblog. Leave me comments, tell me how cute I am! haha If you want to pledge your undying love, that'd be great, too! haha I sure would appreciate a vote of confidence right now! I love halloween... I love the origins of the holiday, I love the atmosphere, I only wish that the attitude we had as kids- anticipation mixed with a certain delicious fear- could stay even when we get older. Approaching houses all lit up, never quite certain what's going to happen- a plain old house, or are ghouls behind the trees?! How much fun can you have?? And after, getting to eat a bag full of candy, bringing it to schoo lto share with friends, eating yourself into a tizzy ball of energy and Mom yelling at me to go outside if I was going to tear the house apart! I miss being a little kid on Holidays... hehe But I get to give out treats this year... Could be, fun, too! haha

Blah. I am confusion incarnate, I swear. Just call me Queen Confusion. I would like everyone to bow to my ultimate ridiculousness.

So, for the past day or so, I have been saying how much I need a new boy, and I don't know why. Well, there's a few reasons, but honestly, I think I'm simply PMS'ing and everyone's pissing me off, but he's just a good target. *snarl* I'm so annoyed right now, I could pace and scratch and growl... I got shot in the hip and it didn't improve my temper one bit. I do weird things when I get frustrated, or pissy, and I cleaned the whole bathroom, washed dishes, and now I'm just being normal-pissy. I'm playing Audioslave, debating about whether I want to put on headphones and really blow out my eardrums or just leave it on the speakers and let everyon else enjoy the pleasing hard rock sound... The screaming of a rock group... You can't not love it. Rage Against? It's just fucking annoying. Noise. This is... soothing. The sound of aggression. It's... it makes my muscles unclench, my teeth stop grinding, my headache quiet down.


Ooooh... Favorite song...


"On a cobweb afternoon in a room full of emptiness..."

Meh... I'm better now. I honestly couldn't tell you what's going on; calling me a lusting doesn't help. That's for sure. I am so uber-sensitive... Another PMS system. Fucking stupid thing. I hate it.

Argh. My rant for the day.

On the other hand, today wasn't a bad day... I only had two classes, both of which are not hard, they're both even mildly interesting. Then I got ditched for lunch and ate with Ms. Jenny instead- fun fun! Met some people who know her through her sorority, it was all cool. Probably more fun than eating with a bunch of engineers, anyway... Bah!

The nI went to work, had errands to run, all good and whatnot, then... Went ARMY PANTS SHOPPING!!! OMG, so much fun! I tlaked to hte guy behind the counter who told me I should go to a party in Eastward Look on Saturday night with my Army skirt... haha He'd been to South Africa! Wicked awesome, his dad lives there, he said. He surfs!! I told him that I wanted to learn but had no balance at all, and would probably kill myself, haha He laughed and told me I should give it a try anyway. Who knew? Maybe I'd surprise myself! LoL

Then I came home, watched naruto, the end of a good day, perfectly boring. Whatever. I'll go to the gym and Walmart tomorrow. Screw sticking home and being bored. F that Shit. LoL

Whatever... I'll work on my chem lab now, do the finishing touches.

"Where soul meets body..." Death Cab. I seriously need to download that song. But right now, Bon Jovi is on the stereo, on a CD called, "Christine's CD For ME!!!!!" Or something along those lines. Maybe there were 4 exclamation points. What a good CD, it's got the right power songs and sappy songs; I miss that girl and her awesome mixes. It makes me sad that I don't ever talk to her... Or anyone else, for that matter.

I skipped out on 6 Flags today. I would've gotten up at 8:40, after finally going to sleep somewhere around 6. Ouch. That wouldve sucked. Hardcore. Sorry girlies, I know you were excited- I was too! But... Meh. I would have been no fun after that little sleep. We all know a tired Abby is a grouchy Abby and a grouchy Abby is not fun. In fact, she's a bitch... Horrifying, isn;t it?

Anyway... it's probably better, anyway. I get to catch up on homework, sleep or lay around all day, play Super Marioland on SNES (Super Nintendo... the wicked old one, you know!!), and just... relax. Something I don't get to do very often. Hooooow nice.

Hahha... I found out that iridescent pink cowgirl hats make boys flock to you like CRAZY!!!! Whoever wore the pink hat last night was like... honey, in a bee hive. Irresistible. haha It was great.

Anyway... I gotta get to work now... Adios.

Okay, so... I have three HUGE thank you's to send out to Laura, Naomi, and Linchay. You three are amazing, and I don't know what I would have done without you this weekend.

Laura, I appreciate the fact that you are readyto drive off to Cape Cod with me for a weekend on 42 minutes notice, without a second glance. Driving to "Maine" was awesome fun, and I can't wait to go to 6 Flags and Cape Cod, for real this time, with you! You're so awesome!!

Linds... You are my best pal, always have been, always will be. Through good and bad, you are the person who always manages to make me smile, who constantly surprises me with how much they care and love me back. Girly, I owe you the world and for you I would... jump in the ocean naked!! haha I can't wait to hang out with you and catch up on the stupid things that have been happening.

Naomi, I don't know how to thank you. I know, as you said, we're not "peachy keen," and for you to put out the effort to save something that would have otherwise gone to waste, I honestly and truly do not know how to thank you. I suppose I will just tell you that all is well and I believe that I owe it to your simultaneous kick in the ass and soothing pet-pet. You saved something that I wanted so desperately to work, while everyone was telling me to let it go. I needed your vote of confidence, I needed it more than anything. Thank you so much. Thank you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The shit that hit the fan has settled for the moment. I owe it to the three ladies above, namely that Goddess known to Man as Naomi.

Today was awesome. I think I got all of 4 hours of sleep last night, so I'm dying right now, but the day itself was fantastic. I woke up to a pair of brown eyes queitly watching over me as I slept- a fantastic feeling, let me tell you. Then some fun and breakfast while watching Forces of Nature, then...a fieldtrip to Beavertail! A couple hours spent out in a place I rate on my top 3, I got pictures galore. A beautiful day, wind-whipped and spray-salted, but gorgeous nevertheless. I will post some in the photoblog, which can be found -here-.

Then I came back and here I am, several hours later, just ready to take a nap then get down to some heavy-duty homework. hah

Bri and Rain need to start speaking once more. Maybe Cal can get in on some action, but Bri and Rain are the first priority. I miss you.

Mmm... So, what can I say? I do dumb things. I'm not really worried, though. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm jsut trying to survive to the best of my abilities, without falling off the cliff that has been looming ever closer and steeper since I started this crazy roller coaster ride. The loops and dips have been great fun, but that final drop is scary and I'm not sure if the tracks will hold.

Tonight I ditched him, in all honesty, because I knew that after everyone went to bed and it was our time, things would have to be said. I don't know what to say, yet. I'm still running away, giving myself time to think and figure out how to deal with the swirling cloud of grey in my head. The fact that it's completely awkward between us is only making it that much easier for me to run than to stay, but if I had a choice, I would love to patch it up, kiss him easy and tell him, "I'm sorry, I won't ever do it again, please forgive me for telling the truth." I would love to. But I can't. I can't. I won't go back to that place I so recently managed to escape, because it would be the death of me and everything that I have gained since coming to college. I don't have Linds and Crystal and Cat, I don't have any of them to run to when I need whatever it is they give me. I have others, but those 3 are my hiding places, my coping mechanisms, my saviors. And they're not here to pick me up after I get knocked on my ass. So... I can't get knocked down, because who knows if I can get back up?

Dave told me I'm a strong person, and I know the truth in what he says. Regardless, everyone has their limit, and I would have to say that watching those who I care about fall into a well of misery, without anything I can do to help, kills me. It's not my brother who I was so depressed about, it was my parents. Watching them and their relationship sag and tear under the strain of my brother's behavior, made me want to kill him, made me want to hurt anyone that would hurt them.

I thought I'd buried it so well, the pain, the anger, the absolute misery and self-hatred that I felt, bringing it up and re-hashing it these past couple of days has been like escaping hell then going back to check out the old playground. Torture.

I really like him. I really like everything about him, but I've seen this pattern, I know where it leads. And he has to get worse before it gets better. I know this, too. That psychologist lady was an idiot, I wanted to scream at her and walk out. Instead, I listened and got some ideas that I didn't think of before, said thank you, and walked out with a vow that Fernando would be hearing from me. She asked if I was emotionally invested, if I felt like I was "in love". You know, I feel like I've learned a lot in the past year or two. I feel like I've grown into the adult that everyone wanted me to become. I still laugh and play and act like an idiot. But I don't trust, and no matter how much I tell you, the more I tell you, the more the walls go up. I feel like I'm barricaded in with no gates or ladders, only hot tar and a moat, with the neat little plaque stating, "Go away, guards dragons inside."

Cute, huh?

Maybe it's just me. I don't actually know what goes on in my own head most of the time. Why did I invite him over and go running out the door 1/2 an hour later? Isaiah upset me with one look, I cried to Laura, and then we left. I tried to explain, but he wasn't ahaving any of it. I want to kill Kevin- note to self:

Take Kevin down a peg. Pronto.

Anyway... I really do like him. His teasing is funny and not hurtful, his hands are soft and his eyes caring. But he's hurt... So hurt. He carries it with him like a shield- "I'm hurt, don't touch me!" I should be writing this in the SB. Whatever. No one reads this anyway. But I can sense the hurt, and I knew what it meant. I don't think I'm emotionally invested, really... When he leaves, and we all know he will because I do stupid things when I'm running scared, we'll find out.

I wish I could tell him that I do stupid things, that I'm going to try to make him leave because I'm shutting down right now, that he scared me with his trust, and the fact that I can't give it back right now. That everything is melding together and I don't know if I'm making it up or telling the truth, dramatizing it or just over-tired?? I don't know. I should stop writing. I'm over-tired, and we all know I say and do dumb things, because everything seems so much worse. I'll delete this in hte morning, because it won't be true then.

Just leave it at this: I do like him. I am pushing him away. I wish I could tell him so at least he would understand that this is one of my issues and not his. I hope he does what he has to. I hope I am not being an asshole.

I'm put in a tight spot. I don't know what to do. So.. I'm seeking help. I went to the Counseling Center and made an appointment, went to Health Services for the lump in my throat that isn't getting better, only worse, and... called off everything I had to do for this weekend.

Maybe I'm going to run away. I don't wanna go home, I don't wanna drive around, I wanna bring lots of blankets, a few movies, and not deal with anything.

I'll do my chem lab tonight and run away right after. I'm not telling where, I'll be back on Sunday.

Mmm... A bad karma day, for sure. LoL Meh. It wasn't so bad, really... Just depends on the way you look at things. For sure. G'luck MP!!!! You're gonna kick that test's ass!! Whooo Whooo!!

Matt got his lip pierced. At first, I was like... OMG... OMG... take it out. Please. Please!!! And then it went to "Hmm... Maybe it's not -that- bad..." to "Meh. I suppose I can deal with it," to "Okay, okay, it looks okay. And maybe it'll be fun, too. Maybe." LoL I am sooo easily swayed. But he's so cute, I can't resist.

*blink* Unfortunately, I still have -that- to do. Yes, that. Sucks to be me!!!

Yay! I uber like Matt! Wheee!!! I guess after the week I had, the weekend was a suitable make-up for it. I had a great time. I got 2 lessons, learned how to kiss, ate homemade chicken pot pie, -and- saw Lindsey! OMG!!! How much better could it get?! Not much, let me tell you. Not too damned much. haha

My throat hurts, but eve nthat couldn'tbring me down. I have to do chem lab right now... I'm so screwed if I don't, lmao.

I jsut got back from the barn, where I worked, incredibly hard at, from 9 this morning to 1:30 this afternoon, got dressed, and then rode from 2-3:30ish. I finally got to leave at 3:45, and I am sooo tired at 5. Luckily for me, Kate and her sister and friends went out to a movie, giving me time to do my chem lab, which I definitely won't have time to do, later. Geeeezzzz... PS. I love Cynthia and Ghibson. Soooo cute! hehe I have another lesson on Monday at whatever time Cynthia shows up, and I have a meeting at 1:30 tomorrow to figure out who's working on the 3 weeks Jess leaves for wahtever.

Last ngiht was fun... Me and Kate watched Dodgeball, which lost my interest like... 40 seconds into it, but I was determined to watch it all out, because everyone else likes it, so I probably should at least watch it and know what they're talking about. I think I'd rather watch March of the Penguins 3 times in a row without popcorn next time. Oy.

Then we each had a shot of vodka in a huge cup of Crystal Light mixture, and... went for a walk around the block! haha We talk about such strange things... So like... OMG@!! Abby, they're SPIKY!!! haha I love you Kate!!

Then she left me up to my own devices, so I tried to watch the boring boys play Risk, quickly lost interest, grabbed lani Garver and passed out before I even opened it, on the couch. 2 hours later, I was woken up and spent the next hour (hour??) distracting the Boy from his goal of going home... heh I'm so glad he has better willpower than I, because we both would have been crying if he'd slept over... I'm going to sleep in a bit... I jsut want to get some work done first...

Work time... Then naptime, then... party time!!!

Okay okay, updates, I know!! I'm currently sitting in front of my computer soaking wet, draped only in a towel... Oooh la la!! Current enough for you? Oh. Too current? Fiiiiiineeee!! Welll.... Thing are better on the homefront. My brother is now successfully in rehab, and he's doing okay, says Mom and Dad, who saw him last night, at their first parents meeting. They both liked the meeting, thought it was a great idea, gave them some new ideas on how to handle the events of his coming home, as well as provide a bit of counseling, now that he's out of the house and they have all this time to think about what went wrong, etc. I hope it works... I hope it works so much, I'd do anything to see my brother get clean, for good. Anything.

I found this awesome nut on the sidewalk while I was running, so bent down and scooped it up. I need to look it up and see what it is. Hmm..

He's happier when he's clean. It's just... I know what he's going through. I do it all the time- addictions aren't just about drugs and alcohol. You can get addicted to Naruto, roleplaying, books, people, music, -anything-. I jsut happened to stay away from the really bad stuff, because I'm afraid of EVERYTHING!!! haha Anyway...


I know, I know, get to the interesting stuff, right Linds? I know!! So... Zoox is loving his new home. He ate 4 crickets the other day while we watched- such a nasty little frog. Oh! Not that stuff? Oh... -That- interesting stuff!!! Gotcha. haha OMG... I'm talking to myself through my blogger... Well, I can just see Linds or Carolyn or Laura yelling at me when I do shit like this... It's easy enough, they all say the same thing... ahha

As far as Matt goes, we're okay, as far as I know... *shrugs* This week was really hard, what with Seth and all the shit I had to come to terms with over school and work, etc. As well as the little time of the month that makes -everything- exponentially worse. Goddamned stupid... Nevermind. But yeah, we're doing okay. Went bowling last night with Kate, Matt, Matt's roomie Sarah and her bf, Mike, for Sarah's bithday! It was fun!! They're trippy. haha I like them! No, Mike, I did not get a 19 this time... I actually made it into the... high... 10's? Like... 80,90? Somewhere around there? Maybe 70's? Oh, I don't know. I bowled three strikes!! haha YAY!

Okay... That's enough. Time to get to Physics work, then Physics class, then work, then... PLAYTIME!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

I am procrastinating... Though it has been a very productive night, I must say. I figure it's okay for a break after writing all the painful letters and getting Latin done... And sending in my faulty Chem lab... LoL
Next will either be Webass or the Pre-Lab due today that I simply could not understand. Icky.

I'm sooo... icky. I jsut don't feel right. I'm disgusted with myself that I'm currently failing Latin and Physics, that I can't seem to get ahead of my work, and Chemistry makes me fail at life. Maybe I should stop procrastinating and get back to work, huh? Way to make your own problems, Abbs... Way to go.

I'm really upset in that listless, quietly unsmiling kind of way that I get whenever something's really bothering me and I jsut.. hate it. I know it's good for him to leave, no questions. I think it's more my mom's message that got me so down, and not so much my brother leaving, though that's got me in a hole, too.. I'm gonna miss the brat.

"Oh, I figured you'd want to know... They called today and your brother's going in tomorrow, but don't bother coming home for dinner, it's no big deal. Nana and Grampa will be over, but you shouldn't rush home or anything. I just thought you'd want to know. If you want to say goodbye, leave him a message or something... " - WTF? thanks for making me feel like I don't matter, Mom... Do you think I don't care? Do you think that I'm going to relinquish my brother for 6 months without saying goodbye face to face? Obviously you have no idea what's going on in my head. Just the fact that you ever thought it, nevermind left me a message stating it, makes me cry. WTF were you thinking? Oh, right... Grief that your son is leaving. Yeah. Thanks. I'm absolutely cold about it, no feelings at all. Right. Whatever.

Okay now that I'm back in a horrible mood without any latin at all to soothe me, I'm going back to work. A perfect mood for Chem and Physics.

I lied. Carolyn, fix me. NOW, dammit! *rolls over in anguish* It hurts. My stomach hurts, and it won't get better... Helpp!!!

God, I'm such an ass. And I need to fix it, quick. No fucking up, jsut fix the goddamned problem. What's the problem, you ask? Gooood question.

Linds, I miss you... Come back. Don't be mad anymore. *tear* I'm going to take a nap now. I did not get enough sleep last night. Stupid 4 am phone calls. Stupid drunken people. LoL I'm tired... And not making much ssense.

Mmm... On second thought, I've decided I like kisses. Give me mooooore! ")>

I have a physics exam today... I skippedmy morning classes to study... haha So what am I doing? Yup, that's right. Writing in my blogger. Not for long, though, I've still got some studying to do.

It's not going tooo badly, I'm practicing and it's getting easier. It's just that they didn't give me a lot of the formulas, so I was getting really confused, and frustrated... And we all know what happens when I get frustrated.

But it's going okay this morning. I'm poking along in my slow way, jsut figuring stuff out, doing problems, reading how they got to the formulas they got... I can't believe that some people can jsut like... take this shit, memorize it, and use it like no problem. I wish I was smart like that. It takes me sooo long to get any of this stuff. Argh.

Anyway, thanks Matt for being such a sweetie, I want to hear about what happened later, I hope you understand that I'm jsut a bit overwhelmed at the moment... :) No worries, it'll get better soon as tonight's exam is over. And then -you- can be the cranky one! hehe MUAH!!!

Physics is kickin' my ass. Hardcore. And I lost a contact. Unfortunately, I'm not sure whether I lost it -in- or -out- of my eye. Sometimes, I hate contacts. Glasses are just so much easier!!!

Sometimes, I wonder why the past haunts us. I hear tales of it all the time- "what's wrong?" "Oh, a ghost from my past just scared me." Or... "Sometimes I jsut need to sit and think about past mistakes" or some other line along the same idea. My dad is always warning me about making the same mistakes he did, ending up like he has. Now seriously, what is so bad about being my dad? Granted, we don't have much money (who does, these days?), and maybe life isn't quite as peachy keen as in the movies. But seriously? He has a family that loves him to death, a wife that still -tries- to make him happy, overt signs of affection, he's got two kids that are fantastic, no matter what society says, and okay, so maybe going from a cushy high-tech job to parts manager in a marina isn't the step up he was expecting, but so the fuck what?! If the rest of your life is going strong, chill out and enjoy what you -do- have instead of worrying about what you coulda shoulda woulda been doing. *Shrugs* Maybe I'm oversimplifying things, maybe I'm jsut not getting the "big picture". All I know is that past mistakes are to -learn- from, not agonize over. And hindsight is 20/20; there's no one doubting -that-, so why do you doubt your actions? You didn't know what would happen... Unless you're Iago, then you're the total antagonist and rightful heir to all the hell that befalls you. hahaha Funny... I love Iago. He makes me laugh at his awesome mischief.

Okay, so... rant over, almost. Stupid effing riding team! I tell them, time and time again- I AM RIDING THIS YEAR. I can't make meetings because I have class, but I would like to know what's going on- WTF, MATE?! Yeah. The captain jsut yelled at me for missing the first group lesson, when in fact, no one even told me I was even on the schedule, or whatever else is going on. I -know- I have a show this weekend, fom way back when Alicia from the RIC team told me... Do i have a lesson in? Do I even hear from my teammates to know what time to get up and get to wherever the meeting place is? NO!!!

I quit. I hate the BS, politics, and overall -crap- that happens at this stupid effing horse team. Argh... I'm annoyed.

But... I really like showing. -Really- like proving I'm best at whatever I do, or just damned good. It's like one of those things where... If you're only good at one or two things, you like to prove it to make up for all those things you're only so-so, or plain shitty, at. Mmm, I am kinda vicious... I -like- to whip the pants off everyone in the ring, in whatever class I'm in, because it proves I'm good at -something-, even if it's not something everyone else can understand. And besides that, the ribbons make my room pretty!!!! hehehe

Anyway... Cal-Matt made me really quite happy the other night; we just talked like we used to- absolute nonsense that no one but us, and possibly even us, would understand. I missed him. I'll admit it. Charter-Matt hasn't spoken to me since I told him about Russian-Matt... Oops? And Russian-Matt is adorable as usual. After spending an hour with me in my physics recitation after doing the problems in his chem class, I was ready to do almost anything for him... hehe

The hoickey game was great last night!! Even if the Bruins got their asses handed to them. haha The Wolfpack was pretty good, and overall, it was a good night- I wasn't doing physics, so it must've been oaky, huh? LoL (PS. I actually kinda like physics, it's just... I'm not quite up to speed with the basic concepts of it, yet.)

PS. Linds... If you still read this, Matt resembling Cat got soooo much weirder... I miss Cat. Not his BS or the ridiculousness that went along with him, but I do miss him... I hope he's doing alright.

I'm sooo tired. I jsut finished my chem lab after making dinner after school and work. I will be in bed by 11 tonight if it kills me.

And then I will be up early again tomorrow to do more work. I'm soooo tired.

The non-date went well last night, Kate got along really well with Jay and Kyle and Linds were being cutesy. The movie was hilarious, though I was sorely distracted by the hand on my leg that jsut happened to be attached to the boy next to me... Mmmm... Still funny though.

The ride up was hilarious... There was an accident on 95, so instead of the usual 1/2 hour oget there, it took us 1 and 1/2-2 hours.. geeez... matt and kate were frieking out, i was trying so hard not to let myself go ADD with them.

On the way home, Matt slept in the backseat, Kate and I up front, trying desperate;y to stay awake.. not a good scene.

We picked up Matt's clothes at his house then drove back to ours- not trusting him, who was passed out in my backseat, to drive back to his place- where he stayed for the night.

The end of our adventures... But a very good night overall.

PS. It wasn't poison ivy. Thank God. Just some itchyness caused by icky makeup. ICKY!!

PPS. I wanna write more, but I'm tired... Sleepy now.

This jsut isn't a good year for me. Actually, this just isn't a good... 2 years for me.

I was thinking about last year, and how traumatized each and every one of us BVille kids was, just by association to all the deaths that occurred for so many varied reasons. Suicide, accident, leukemia, it didn't really matter if we knew them or not, it was just thinking about kids within 2 years of our age dying. It brings to mind a true appreciation for every day that you live, every moment you have, every second you recognize as one to enjoy or waste. Personally, I think I am forever sorry for, and indebted to, those who died this past year, for the things they made me realize, as well as countless others: Mortality is reality. We are not immortal, no matter how much we like to think we are- lucky, maybe, but luck only goes so far. You shouldn't be afraid of dying, you should be afraid of the unlived life. - That's a mangled quote from Tuck Everlasting. It's so true. I hope I never forget it.


Now, on a more present-day, and disgusted note, I have poison ivy on my face. Not just around my jaw or chin, but around my EYES! That's right, you fucking got it, MY EYES!!! Now, for all those who don't realize how allergic I am to poison ivy, I remember how once I had a moonface for WEEKS because of that stupid plant, and NOW, because of my utter STUPIDITY and LAZINESS, I have it again- but AROUND MY EYES!!! I will be Blind FOREVER!!! Fuck! I'm so FUCKED!!! *snarl, pace, growl* I'm typing while I can still see the fucking keyboard, venting my rage into the only thing that will care half as muh as I. My fucking diary. I'm soooo MAD AT MYSELF! Those goddamned hedges are going DOWN! As soon as I can see once again. They're Dead! OMg... I'm going to miss so much school. OMG... THey're going to leak and blister and I'm gong to have scars again... *huge sigh, thinking about crying, nope, nope, there's the tears... running through the poison ivy on my cheekbones* I was jsut starting to get the hang of being pretty, too...

On a more upbeat note: I should tell Matt that this would be the time to get that lipring he's been telling me about- no one's going to be near my face for a few weeks... *shudder as remembering the case of ivy on her fingers* OMG... Ughhhhh... And this is the primary source... OMg... So disgusting. *gag* AROUND MY EYES!!!!

I hate giving bad news. Can i jsut say that right now? I will avoid myou until death to avoid giving you bad news. Whether I like you or not, it doesn't matter. *shakes head* I'm doing it right now, and I know that the longer I wait, the worse it'll be. Goddammit. WHy am I so dumb?

I want to sleep right now. I'm soooo tired. There are so many things rushing through my head right now- Physics, and how I need to get it done; Biotech, and how I need toget that done; Latin, and how I desperately need to study if I want to pass this quiz tomrrow; other stufff..... *wink, nudge*

Oh ho ho, Kyle, I hope you are ready for a shocker... Bastard. For putting me in the position you have, I call you a bastard.

My eye hrts... I don't know why. It's like... I feel like I put something on it it didn't like. All puffy and irritated. Icky.

gtg... girlies are here

These are just a few optical illusions that I liked from this site- you should check it out, there're some pretty awesome ones!Cool OneCool TwoCool ThreeCool Four

Hmm... New development... Maybe. Hopefully. Shit shit, I'm so deficit on my blogger entries. You have no idea what's going on anymore. Since... a long time ago! Weeeeelllll. You see. haha I moved into my ne house for school- it's... well, it''s good. I like living here, it's just... Meh. It seems like since I've moved in, so much has happened, and the first week sucked- so much for first impressions, huh? Probably the reason I am not totally psyched about this whole house thing. The first week, you ask? Mmm... Everything technological I own, exploded. To be quite simple. My phone, the same one as Kate's, didn't have service when hers did, and if it did, when you called someone you could expect to get no ring tone, nor did you ever ehar them, but they could hear every word you said. So weird, but that's quit now, so we're good. My speakers- my awesome, to-die-for speakers, my -love-of-my-life speakers... crackled. For the first week or so, they wouldn't play without crackling- WTF, MATE!!? I was so ready to ship them home and buy another pair of computer speakers, and splice them to the ones I have. I was frieking out about how this place was killing my beautful components system. Oy. That's quit now, though, too. My camera started doing that stupid lens thing it used to do, too... the lens wouldn't come out, so you'd have to shut it off a few times and restart? Yeah... that thing it hasn't done since... who knows when?! I was like... AHHHH!!! But that's all good now. My computer, you know, the one I didn't use all summer? Yeah, that computer suddenly starts giving me the blue screen of death 3-4 times A DAY!!! and well... when we tried to wipe he harddrive and start over, using the boot disk... Hhahah that bitch wouldn't even wipe the DRIVE!!! I laugh my ass off at how shitty my "wonder-fucking-ful" laptop is, after burning off a harddrive and count it- not one, but TWO wireless cards. PIECE OF SHIT!!! BTW. That's not working, still. I waged war on Toshiba though, and they agreed to fix it free of charge- I'm going to kill if it still doesn't work after I get it back. Right now, I'm working with Kevin' laptop, beautiful machine that it is... Meeeeow! haha

Anyway... Enough about how everything I have was fucked up here. Matchbox 20 makes me happy... I think my life comes in threes. Well, my lovelife anyway... Remember last year, when I commented on how I loved Cat, Cheetah and felix? haha I still laugh at that horrifying lineup. Well, now I have three Matts. *shakes head* Sooo silly. We all know or should guess that I'm desperately in love with Cal-Matt, with his dark and chaotic personality, the fact that I have no idea who he is after o long of talking to him, that he seems to be one of the few -really- intelligent people out there, even if he is seems to hate talking about himself like most smart people love to do. I could go on for hours, that's how much I like this kid- a killer that I've never met him, huh? Mmm...

Well then, there's always Charter-Matt, who I met on the boat and who is so tall I could wear any shoes I ever wanted, if I ever thought that I could deal with someone who didn't speak. A really nice guy, I think... I wasn't sure- he said hi and goodbye directly to my face. Nothing else was said...

So now onto the third Matt, Russian-Matt. *grin* I can't stop smiling or laughing or... feeling like something's going to claw its way out of my belly whenever I think about this kid. It's like a physical.... insanity. I can't figure out what to do. I met him last year when he was doing homework in Kevin's room, and I remember looking in, saying hi like I always did when their door was open, and my inner monolgue going something along these lines- imagine inner Sakura: *jaw drop, double take* HeeEEeeello! How -you- doing? haha We always got along and I tried not to flirt too much more than normal- my one rule, no tempting taken boys. Not a good scene.- but kind of easy because he was always picking up every stupid thing I ever do- which seems to be every 3 seconds around him becaue I can't seem to speak, walk, hell, THINK! when I'm around him. I've heard about this crap, but ggeezzzzz... What is going on!?, is what I'm thinking.

Anyway... So when he broke up with his gf, I remember jumping up and down and spinning, squeaking excitedly at the top of my lungs as soon as out of earshot or sight, to Kate. Who promptly joined me, LoL But that was with a week left to school and over the summer, I kind of forgot, actually... So much other things to do, people to hang with, horses to play with.

But now... OMG. It was horrible; every second I was sputtering or just couldn't seem to make my mouth WORK!! And of course he'd pick up on it and concentrate on how fucked up I was acting, and tease me mercilessly about it. Then one day, he told me I flirt like a fourth grader, and it was like... Well, there's a weight off my shoulders. So, my mouth started working, I stopped walking into walls and my brain started processing and putting together comebacks within the day. I sitll haven't been able to process and use a comeback, but I'm working on it. haha

Anyway... If you couldn't tell, I'm sooo screwed up over this boy. It's sick.

Thursday was the first day he came over and I wasn't retarded. So I made dinner, he'd been invited since Tuesday, and Kate, Kevin, Matt and I all ate fajitas. They were really good! So he stayed until one or so, not an unusual thing in all honesty, and we flirted the whole time... So nice. I think I might've graduated to 8th grade flirting. Even if he fell back to 3rd grade flirting. He went through a coat hanger. I have pictures. hah Silly boy. *shakes head, grinning* I'm sooo stupid today. (No Matt, I'm not drunk... but yes, there is definitely something wrong with me.) But who wouldn't be? I went partying last night and without thinking, called Kevin to remind him that Emily's party was going one- was he going to be home in case I came home? Well, Kevin said he wasn't sure if he was going because Matt wasn't invited. So... Matt ended up coming, and Eep? I personally would never speak to me again, but Kate and Dave and Kevin told me I wasn't annoying, just... drunk. But I think back and want to kick myself. Well, I suppose we'll see the consensus when next him and Kevin play A&A. Mmm...

So, yeeah... I drank a cup of pink lemonade-vodka crap, throwing it down because it takes a large amount to get me tipsy, and was like... stumbling dunk within minutes. I didn't even think that all I'd eaten all day was two pieces of toast and two muffins that Dave made. Way to be an idiot, huh? So I'm like... falling-down drunk by the time I drink the second one, and signed up for a beer pong match. hahaha. So I get a chair from the corner and get up for something. Matt sits down and after a bit of arguing that's not really arguing, I sit on his lap, with him basically holding me up... *shakes head* Sweet, but maybe smacking my head on some cement would teach me, eh? Geez. But he was so sweet all night long.

1) If he wasn't next to me, or letting me lean on him, he would glance up every once in a while to see where I was and what was going on. *smile*

2.) He didn't try to kiss me or anything- he didn't drink, so I mean... I'm jsut so used to guys trying to get whatever they want, thank you assholes!, when I'm drunk, that it seems normal. When he was just... there, without trying to go anywhere, I was so shocked I wanted to babble about it to Kate all day today. haha

3.) He has really nice abs- A definite plus. Arms are a definite, and he has those(great, huh? haha), but abs are a HUGE plus. Mmm... *Grin* Oy. I'm so shallow.

*shakes head* I'm scared I fucked it up, and I'm scared that I'm an alcoholic, and I'm sooo scared that I'm going to fuck up. I just decided to change to BioMedical Engineering and I'm so scared of fucking up. I don't know if I can do it. I know if I have to, I can do anything, but I'm not quite determined enough to do this. It would be so easy to go the lazy way and jsut be a science geek, get the grades in classes that are so easy, get a boring lab job, live out my life in silent boredom, raging at everything elsse becaue I hated it 24-7. But I don't know if I can cut it. I hope so, but I jsut don't know. I'm not smart like Jeremy or Dave, Kevin or Emily. I'm just... I'm so fucked. I couldn't even get through MTH 243... What am I doing here? I'm so scared, I cry every time I think about it. And that pleasant feeling I get whenever I think about Matt turns into this leaden ball inthe pit of my stomach, threatening to drag me down into darkness until I can't get out, no matter how I claw or scratch. Can someone tell me what I want to do? Please? Can someone please just tell me what I want to do when I get out of college? I'm so scared.