Falling, Falling,
Dying inside.

Does anyone see the blue?
Wave shimmer and turn,
cresting,
white, blue green
The black waits underneath,
the rock.

Crashing down,
Darker, darker, darker,
Black.

Silver globes rise above all,
Rising, Rising.
Falling with a crash,
Black.

Washes out on the golden sand
and falls to the ground,
rises again, daring any to dare.

Yeah... Saw Erik today, and he avoided me the whole time we went out with friends. *grin* I guess I have that effect on guys. Anyway, I came to a conclusion, after a lot of thinking on my own, asking Brennan a few things, and having Meagan provide some insgiht, which led to even deeper thoughts.

It's gonna take courage, a bit of just sheer determination, and a bit of just fucked up old Abby-ness. But mostly courage. Because for me to do this, I'll need my own brand of courage, and no one can give that to me, but myself.

I'm going to write a letter, to explain a few things about stuff, and just... be myself. Utterly sappy, corny and stupid, but what's been on my mind, and what I determiend tonight. Then, I'm going to use that letter to explain in words what I need to say, and hope that it comes out right. So, yeah... Tacos tomorrow night!! YEAH!!!!

Ya know... Tonight was like that night a long time ago when I dreamed all night, and woke up knowing exactly what I had to do. At first i thought up these real weird, stupid ideas, but I think I know what I actually need to do, and... well, I'm jsut gonna go do it now. Night.

I made the first real decision in my life, and one of the hardest that I have ever faced, just perhaps beyond the decision not to lease Saylor. I emailed the lady from NY, and told her, decisively, that I would not be able to take up her job this summer, and I was very sorry to have to have wasted her time.

I jsut couldn't do it. Not with katie and matt and others going on to college, nad me not knowing if I will ever see them again. Not only that, my dad needs me, nad though I hate boats, water, fishing, people, etc., I have an obligation to our family. OMG... Just shoot me, I cannot believe I'm saying this. So, yeah.

If I'm a bit mopey and dreary for the enxt few days, its because I jsut gave up the chance that I have been waiting for, for over 6 years. yeah.

Anyway, so yeah... I was dumped. Flat on my ass. Like, knees pulled out from under me, and the rug thrown over my head. *grin* Well, maybe not that bad... "I'm too selfish to have a good relationship." Well, that might be true. But even if I am, *shrug* I can still try.

Anyway... Went over to Joe's tonight to see what exactly had happened, since I didn't dare ask over the phone... I wanted to see him, anyway. So, nearly killing myself with the jitters in my belly, (I swear to God I thought they were going to jump out and all over my car!) I went over and talked to him. It turned out to be a lot more reliving than I thought it would be. Like, I got answers I can understand, and I know where he's coming from. From personal experience, no worries. As my mum put it, "I'm his Erik." How... paradox-ish.

I got my Drowning Pool CD back. YAY!!!!! I can sleep now!! yay!

Enough on that. I've been really thinking about that job in NY ove rhte summer and though I think I would enjoy it and love to do it, I really am not sure whether I should go or not. It is really far away, it isn't for any money, and though I would be able to play with horses a lot, I really do need to work over the summer, for money. And do I really want to leave when a few of my very good frineds are leaving for college? Or, at jsut the point in my life where summer could be really, very fun? *le sigh* I suppose I am not going... i've already made up my mind, and I feel guilty about it.

It's spring... I can always tell when spring is really here, because I go horse crazy. Completely horse-crazy. Just, everywhere I go, eveything I get, everyone I see, they always remind me of something that happened, something that occurred. Anyway, Yup. Please don't get angry with me, it's jsut something in my blood. It refuses to stay silent for long...

I called that lady from NY this morning, to get the gist of what she ahd to say about the month I'm going to be spending in NY this summer, working for my horse-craziness. After I got off the phone, I got the third-degree from my mom and dad, especially the latter, about it. My dad is hurt, furious about me going away, raging because I'd rather go work my ass off in a sweaty horse barn for no pay, jsut lessons and board, then stay home and work in the easy coolness of a charter boat-mate job. I jsut sat there for a while, trying to figure out, why exactly, I was so intent upon going away. I wanted to go away for the whole summer, leave everything behind. I would have done anything to do it. Work for nothing, get no riding, leave all my friends behind, and screw myself over for a job when i come back. Why? Why would I do somehting so stupid? Yes, even I know it's so stupid. After about 2 minutes, I realized it.

I was running. I was so anxious about not doing that job, about being a mate, I was ready to screw myself over and run. So, crying my eyes out and trying my hardest not to scream in frustration, Itold my mum why I was leaving, and she finally, finally, realized why I was so bent on leaving. She called my dad back, who had left, as usual, to go do whatever he wanted, and when he came back, she told him the deal. It ended up being a huge argument between the two, with my mom leaving, saying, "You make your own problems. Now we're all running from you. Get your own mate." My dad jsut stood there and was quiet, and I was quiet for a long time.. .Finally, he poured himself a coffee, as I'm sitting o nthe couch, jsut watching the back door, listening to him, and he said, "Have fun at your horses, Abby." And left. And then I withered inside, and crawled under a rock.

It was horrible.
But I'm still running.