Hmm... I don't really go by what dreams tell us, because I figure it really is our subconscious just making imaginary scenarios out f conscious events. But even so, any time I remember a dream, I write it down, as well as the events that are happening, so maybe I can make sense of it all. Well, as for all the stress that is in my life at the moment, jsut waiting for me to let a crack happen in my wall so it can all flood out, I think my sunconscious was brining up the latest stress, (the biggest), and blowing it up out of proportion so that I can see that yes... I really am woprried about this.

Well, anyway... The basic gist of the dream was that I couldn't go home, and I really jsut didn't want to be there anymore. (Granted, the dream was really weird and out-of-proportion because it entailed my mom dying in a fire, my dad wanting to kill me, and me hiding out in Joe's house ebcause it was the only place of my friends that my dad didn't know where they lived. I was on foot, and it was either his place or Aim's being the only place i could go before he found me...And he knows where Aims lives.)

I figure that, with all the screaming, yelling, stress-related bad behavior that's been happening around here, I really jsut don't want to come home most of the time. The reason why I stay out so much is ebcause I really jsut don't want to be around. And I suppose that Joe's house was in there because well... *shrugs* I dunno. I always felt safe around Joe, and his house always felt like an extension of my house. Walk in, talk to the rents, fight with the sister, eat dinner, play pool, whatever... *shrugs* He wasn't there ebcause well... Lately there's been a lot of tension between us, and he's not exactly high on my list of reassuring people. But... his house, well... I've always felt safe and welcome there. Anyway... Enough.

I went out with Linds last night (Sorry Sb that you had to go home... Next time for sure!) to watch Sergio, Tom, Chris, and Erik play roller hockey. We got lsot a few times because we're both dumbasses. LoL But, we found the place before the game began, and they lost, 6-5, poor guys. Anyway, then they were all screaming at each other, but After the guys we didn't know left, we went back and talked to hte guys... Tom is slow in changing, so me and Linds had to turn around a few times, but even so we got a bit of an eyeful one time, LoL. No biggie. Sergio and Tom are wicked good players, and most of the time, I was watching Serg slam some guy or another intp the boards, then scuffle and get thrown in hte penalty box. *grin* Good boy. Poor chris didn't get to play much, but when he did, I could tell that he was decent. Not as good as some of the others, but defintiely better than me! LoL Not very hard, but... He was decent. Erik seemed to be a good palyer, but as we didn't figre out which one he was until the last 5 minutes, i don't ahve much to say. Sorry!

The bonfire idea was nice, but because some people don't bother calling others back (*cough* Joe and Jessie *cough*) we couldn't go. Let me tell you, I woulda preferred sitting around a nice hot bonfire than makng toe popsicles in Linds's little icebox. But, I had fun, and flirting with new guys is always fun, whereas I woulda jsut been flriting with untouchable guys at the bonfire... Still a fun thing. *grin* hehe Anyway... 'Nuff said. I'm off. Wllard is a good, an awesome movie... Now lemme go WATCH THE END!!!!!

Yo, so... Having help writing in my blogger this morning. We're planning on heading out and drawing on people while they sleep, because after the party last night, who knows what state tehy'll all be in? hehe And we're gonna take advantage of it... *evil snicker* Anyway...

Chris, Tom, Sergio, Erik, and Matthew. Five very hott, very sweet guys who need to show us around pawtucket sometime. *grin* We had an awesome time with them last nihgt... watching everyone beat each other up, nevermind the pilates/yoga training with Tom and Matt. We being Linds (guess who's friends they first were... Oh, you got it! Sarah's!!! LoL j/k), SB, and I (thank you Ms. Drouin.) We "saw" not "seen" them, Sergio!

So...mischief time. Cya all on the flip-side... SHIMMY!!!!!!!

Relationships are seen everywhere, everyday, between everything and everyone; between humans and nature, man and animal, woman and child, humans with themselves. Although in the same hand, one must consider the absence of relationship, utter loneliness. The effects of each kind of relationship, or lack thereof, is to be poked and prodded, pulled at and pushed, to see the underlying effects it might have on the individuals.

Wow... A decent start to a rapidly downhill essay. Can we say horrible? I hate essays. I'll draw you a story of my imagination, loving it the whole time. Ask me to write an essay, or ask me to write, period, and I'll fight you fang, tooth, and claw the whole way. Now you kow why me and English have enver really gotten along. I write decently, but really... I've never put an ounce of effort into anyhting, and well, Im sure that if I did, I would get a helluva lot ebtter grades. Whereas Jeremy doesn't have to put any effort and can write flawlessly, making english teachers think he puts effort into their work, I need to put effort and don't, thereby giving jsut enough of a scent to entice an overbearing teacher, making them yearn to see me write at my full potential. *rolls eyes* I really should jsut try to write and see what happens. Who knows? It may someday be worth seomthing? LoL

Thank you for the comment Littler Bitter Man, and let me say, I lvoe your blogger. I make it a point to check out one random blogger a day, and usually, they turn out to be utter crap, boring whinings of an overimaginative soul without an outlet. With that said, I found your warning to be enticing... can't wait to read more. I'm very sorry I had to make you look in at my life this time of strife, but hopefully, you will not think it is as such perpetually, usually the days are more exciting, including me falling off my horse, getting laughed at in public squares, or generally making a fool of myself and writing all about it so if one such as yourself should be having not such a great day and just happens upon it, well... I've made it better! At my own expense, maybe, but still made it better!

Anyway... I went riding today, had my foot crunched by the stubborn ass (horse actually!) named Major, whom I'm suppsoed to be riding and exercising adn training for the show coming up in a few weeks... I used to like riding that horse? Was I crazy? Maybe it was me... Probably. God knows soemtimes I amaze myself with the sheer stupidityof my actions... And why the hell am I writing like a Victorian-era novel? All elaborate with big goofy words that no one who reads this will ever udnerstand!?! Nevermind me... On a good day, I can barely udnerstnad. Now if I should go back and read this entry on a bad day... What the hell would I think? Hello? duh? What was I writing about? Oh yeah... something about that Horse... And uh... what was that word, "enticing", again? LoL Just kidding.

Anyway... I stayed after for Math, ended up getting my homework done before Mosher came in, joking around with come really cute freshman kid without a brain in his head, (I got to play off my blonde act!! YEAH!) and scare the hell out of christine by jumping out at her when hse came around the corner. Now seriously, how much fun can you have in one afternoon!?

Okies... Gtg. I'm dead tired.

But first, the idiot episode of the day: Got so frustrated in math, I ended up cryin my eyes out for about five minutes- jsut enogh time to have everyone in math ask me what was wrong, me reply that nothing was wrong, while it was very clear that somethign was wrong, walk down the hallway getting weird look and Christine and Seth watcing my abck the whole way, and head into BioTech and have Chris ask me what was wrong, bringing attention to me from the school nurse who proceeded to ask me whether I wanted to lay down or jsut go home... if I was smart, I would've said yes to either, but I was stupid, perusual, and decided to tuff it out. *finger fun to head* Bang. Duh? LoL

Hi, back again. Just putting on the record that I feel much better, and while my English still isn't getting done, nor are my applications, at least I now ahve reddish hair, and am in much better spirits. I'm going to talk to Drouin tomorrow about her teaching style, see if I can't maybe get a copy of lecture notes before she actually lectures, so I can follow along.

I'm going riding tomorrow, and right now, I'm calling Marty to tell him i can't run. Cya!

While I should be reading English, or working on college applications, instead I'm on here, writing about things that I'm not sure anyone who reads this, can possibly understand. I don't even understand, so how can they? It's happening to me, and I don't understand. Maybe I'm jsut dumb. Or maybe, maybe I haven't pulled enough at the strings holding up this veil in front of my eyes. I can almsot see the solution, and I reach out, only to be blocked again; maybe I'm not supposed to know right now. Or again, maybe I am stupid.

There's so many things in my ehad right now, all whilring and screeching and screaming to get out, to jsut... flood out and overwhelm me. They're nothing particularly bad, some are very easily guessed, others not so easy. So, here goes. The first of things that are making me doubt myself and everything I hold dear.

School:
Now, I know that I'm considered a "smart person" by the average standards. But as of last week, Friday, mainly, I feel so dumb, it's like rocks have taken the place of my brains. First off, I'm the only one to fail my math quiz. I think Mosher knew jsut how upset I was when I told her that she couldn't make me quit, no matter how hard it was, I'd fail before I quit. And it's true. I would quit trying and fail before I ever dropped that class. In all my days of failing quizzes in precal, I never even talked about quitting, I jsut took it as a kick in the guts, pulled together, and went on.
Ms. Drouin, I love you, but I can't pay attention, understand, and write all at the same time. Your teachign style doesn't work for me, and I'm falling behind so that I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, half the time. I have to copy Jeremy's work the other half, and gain some semblance of an idea. By the end of Friday, I was so frustrated with school, all i wante to do was cry and hide. I was talkign to my dad in the car ride over to the boat, and by the time I got to this class, I was in teears... and here they are again, hot, burning, and so humilitating coursing down my skin.
As an afterthought, I put in this topic. College. Does it matter that I have no idea what I want to do? I want to work with horses. I know that. And I know that I really want to make them better, but how best to do that? I've seen so many horses taken in, only to be treated well physically, without any thought of their psychological state, beyond the 15 minutes of time that their "newer, better owner" can give them. Bullshit. I want to really -help- these animals. But, where does that tie into college? I figure pre-vet, because then, when I get them, I can help them better, fulfill the dreams I've had since I was little, and maybe jsut maybe, earn enough to support myself and my "habit." (Horseback riding, in case any of you were getting concerned.)

Friends:
I'm really not sure what to do. I've decided that there will be no boyfriends for this year, because I can't handle the thought of first off, when I break up wih this kid because everything good ends, not having enough time to at least make sure we're tlaking by the end of the year, before I head to college; second, because with all this other shyt over my head, I can't possibly deal with a reltionship. College, School, Sports, Friends, Family, Life, Sanity. They all take a giant part of my brain, and I'm sorry, but do you see any spaces for Romance? No? Didn't think so. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. Maybe I'll find someone to sweep me off my feet. But do I really want that?
As for all my friends out there this year, I think maybe I'll clue them into what's happening to me, sort the waters, and see if they still want to deal with life and all it's little problems. I'm having a great year, as far as this subject's going, but there's an undercurrent of heaviness, that I know will come out by third quarter, ending with everyone hating everyone by fourth. And then I don't see anyone over the summer, and guess who's screwed when they head to college?

Family:
I'm really not sure what I want to put up here with family. We're split. And only mom and seth know the truth about me, so dad thinks I'm little miss perfect compared to my screw up brother. I suppose that is jsut one more topic that'll be brought up in the car on the way to the boat, whenever. I drove around a lot last night, most of the time, simply in autopilot, trying to jsut get out of the house and away from the screaming, name calling, and blame dealing. I'm worried about my brother. And my mom was right; I am duplicitous. I worry for Joe being stupid, yet I hand my brother his pot. *shakes head* I don't even know what to say about that.

Really great friends:
You know who you are out there, the ones I talk to about the perfect guy, what is love, how come some people don't understand math and others do, why things happen the way they happen; the ones who let me swing on their ropeswing when it's the only simple pleasure left in the world to me, the ones who I can live with should I ever need to, and those who I can be stupid with, get caught by the police, and never stop laughing about the event: To all you, thank you. You my never be there at the exact moment whenI need you, but because I can think of you, and remember all the good times, put myself in a place with you and talk to you, think about what you would say, I can get back to reality from the plane of horror I descended to. Thank you for that.

Sports:
I'm quitting. I can't deal with Cross-Country right now. I don't want to run, and I sure as hell don't want to give up horseback riding for running. I'm so sorry to all you out there who were depending on me. I'm letting you down yet again. Get used to it, it's pretty commonplace in my world.
Horseback riding. What can I say. Soon as I step into the barn, smell the hay, hear Major nickering for me all the way at the end of the barn, I know I'm home. And though bad shyt happens there, making me want to curl up in a ball and hide under the stairs, eventually, I always can just... get back up and ride to safety. Horses ground me, and at this point, I need to be grounded. Often. So... With this offer from Ralph, I'm going up more than once a week, to work on my form, play with my new horse, and ground myself.

Miscellaneous things:
Dan, I miss you, my ultimate ground. I'm going to try to get over there today, see if I can say hi, all that good stuff. You know, get yelled at by Clarissa, watch your skinny form get roughed around, know that I'll never ride you ever again, and remember all the good times we had. Yeah... That's about it. I'm so sorry for leaving you...