Okay... a bit of melodrama, huh? LoL Well, yeah. It was stupid; I give up. I wondered, though, and you're going to laugh at how retarded I am, but I wondered today why people's hands are all so different. For some reason, it came up to me in my infinte amounts of time to devote to wondering stupid little nit-picky things, that everyone's hands are different... Now, there are only four base codes for DNA... So wouldn't it make you think that there would only be 16 different types of hands? But no... then they go into infinite amounts of little differnt ways of coding, and it's amazing how many different hands you can get!
For instance, This one lady who I was wathcing, her hands were larger... thicker fingers and when she moved her thumb, the tendons didn't show... Mine do. Every time I move my hands, you can see exactly why they're moving. And honestly, it's kinda of weird. Very skinny hands.
Anyway, that's what entered into ym ehad today. How interesting, huh? LoL
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Okay... Just for documentation, not for any purpose, because I simply don't want to have to relive what happened. Now, as you may or may not know, there's been a lot of little stuff happening to me... And while usually I can jsut... ignore the little stuff and get on with life, today I could not. It all came to a head after I'd hung out with Lindsey and Katie, who were inthe car, and I'm glad, because I'm really not sure whether I would have been able to stop myself if they hadn't been. No word of a lie, nor exaggeration. I had a violent, frightening urge to just ram my car into their dumptruck, and jsut... do that.
I was so scared, half of me desperately wanting to just drive straight into his stuff, perhaps try to blow it up, uncaring of what consequences there were, or what happened to anyone in the car. The other half of me, screamed, nay, shrieked and clawed at me to no... Just go up the driveway... Just go up the driveway... I think I'm losing it.
So, I went in the house, after slamming every door I could, and restraining myself from kicking anything tooo hard. I threw myself on my bed, and jsut cried... I couldn't stand it any more. The little stuff just washed over me, and i couldn't stand it anymore... I curled up in a little ball, while Lindsey and katie each went out to the back yard and played with the puppies, and cried. My bro came in and tried to make me feel better, but I was jsut sooo.... sad. I felt at the moment, that I could have stayed in bed for three days and just... shrieveled up, and died. Am I suicidal?
I htink I was jsut really really tired... So I went to Linds house and slept for an hour and a hlf on her couch, then felt much better. But... now I wonder. What if I can't contain myself next time? Will I hurt someone? Am I suicidal? Do i deserve to work for Al-Qaeda? (A touch of dark humor, for anyone who didn't understand.) I was so close. I'm really rather frightened of myself at the moment. I think I really would have done something if I hadn't had two people in the car. I was frozen for a moment, undecided, even wiht them in the car... And they knew it. The white knuckles, the grimace o nthe face, and the snarl emitted from my throat might ahve been clues, but oh god... I was dangerous. I need help, I think... Or less little stuff. And I need THIS ASSHOLE TO QUIT CHOPPING UP WHERE I GREW UP!!!!!!! Now I'm done... I'm going to go hide in my bed for three days and cry. G'night.
I was so scared, half of me desperately wanting to just drive straight into his stuff, perhaps try to blow it up, uncaring of what consequences there were, or what happened to anyone in the car. The other half of me, screamed, nay, shrieked and clawed at me to no... Just go up the driveway... Just go up the driveway... I think I'm losing it.
So, I went in the house, after slamming every door I could, and restraining myself from kicking anything tooo hard. I threw myself on my bed, and jsut cried... I couldn't stand it any more. The little stuff just washed over me, and i couldn't stand it anymore... I curled up in a little ball, while Lindsey and katie each went out to the back yard and played with the puppies, and cried. My bro came in and tried to make me feel better, but I was jsut sooo.... sad. I felt at the moment, that I could have stayed in bed for three days and just... shrieveled up, and died. Am I suicidal?
I htink I was jsut really really tired... So I went to Linds house and slept for an hour and a hlf on her couch, then felt much better. But... now I wonder. What if I can't contain myself next time? Will I hurt someone? Am I suicidal? Do i deserve to work for Al-Qaeda? (A touch of dark humor, for anyone who didn't understand.) I was so close. I'm really rather frightened of myself at the moment. I think I really would have done something if I hadn't had two people in the car. I was frozen for a moment, undecided, even wiht them in the car... And they knew it. The white knuckles, the grimace o nthe face, and the snarl emitted from my throat might ahve been clues, but oh god... I was dangerous. I need help, I think... Or less little stuff. And I need THIS ASSHOLE TO QUIT CHOPPING UP WHERE I GREW UP!!!!!!! Now I'm done... I'm going to go hide in my bed for three days and cry. G'night.
Is it really hard, virtually impossible, to have a serious conversation with me? I would like to ask Juice this, jsut to see whether it's true or not. I'm pretty sure it is, simply because of the way that Lindsey describes me. But no one else knows me as well as Linds, Katie, and them... I came to the conclusion last night that my "friends" are not really people I want to hang out with anymore. I've changed and they haven't. I never really fit in with them, and I suppose that the reason why I went out and changed who Iwas, joining a sport, hanging with different people, dating a person from a completely differerent social clique, all tha, is because I knew I didn't belong, and I needed to find other people who would like me for who I am, not for who they want me to be.
I felt like crying when I reached this conclusion, as I've always thought of that crowd as my friends, as my real friends, but to be sure, they aren't. They used to be friends, but you could never say that we were all hunky-dory. Dan belongs, Missy belongs, Corey belongs. I don't. So, what to do about it? Get over them. Luv them as I always have, but recognize the fact that they no longer want me around, and honestly, I don't really want to be around. I thought I did, but that's because they were the only ones I knew. Now that I can chill with Christine and Sarah and Katie and Ala and them... I found that I really do not need to depend so heavily on the old group.
I'm not saying that I never want to hang out withthem again, I'm simply saying that I don't want to hang out with them all the time. I don't need to. I can find other people to hang with. In fact, I already have. Missy used to scorn them, saying that they had only themselves... Well, Miss, here'snews for you. You're one of them now. No need to be jealous, no need to scorn them because you couldn't be one of them. You -are- one of them. With all the pros and cons that go with it. Congratulations... You made it where I never could.
Now... Why do people, or me, feel a need to try harder to get things that have, or will reject you? I get rejected, in anything, and I try harder to get it back, or get it in the first place. Because I never got along with this crowd, I always thought it was something wrong with me. But there's not anyhting wrong with anyone. it's just differences that can't, or won't, be resolved. But seriously, when I'm rejected, I may act fine, I may look dandy, but darlin', it's hurting. It hurts more than you can possibly imagine, and I jsut hide well. I hide behind a mask of ditzy giggling blondness, or maybe a mask of shallow sorrow that can only convey the smallest piece of what I'm feeling.
*sigh* Well... I'm so sorry... Please forgive me? I refused to let you in, and I refused to let me out. I refused to let go of that horrible self-control I have, put there by insecurity. I miss you so much, I miss you're caring touch... I miss the good times and the bad, I wish you'd let me back in. I wish I could talk to you, and make you understand. But I can't. I wish.... I just wish, that I hadn't screwed it up, and made you so sad; I miss you and all your games; I'm sorry for not being more sympathetic about your hand; I miss Snatch, though I never did get it; I loved the football games, no matter how I complained; I loved your curly hair and the way your eyes lit up at a good joke; I miss your best friend and all the good times we had... And yet, I can't. Because it's over, and I know this. And no matter how I wish it wasn't, it is. So, please excuse me saying, but... Thank you.
Thinking of how I hate you,
And love you.
Thinking of how I want you,
And want to hit you.
Thinking of the good times,
And the bad.
But mainly...Just
Thinking,
Thinking of You.
I felt like crying when I reached this conclusion, as I've always thought of that crowd as my friends, as my real friends, but to be sure, they aren't. They used to be friends, but you could never say that we were all hunky-dory. Dan belongs, Missy belongs, Corey belongs. I don't. So, what to do about it? Get over them. Luv them as I always have, but recognize the fact that they no longer want me around, and honestly, I don't really want to be around. I thought I did, but that's because they were the only ones I knew. Now that I can chill with Christine and Sarah and Katie and Ala and them... I found that I really do not need to depend so heavily on the old group.
I'm not saying that I never want to hang out withthem again, I'm simply saying that I don't want to hang out with them all the time. I don't need to. I can find other people to hang with. In fact, I already have. Missy used to scorn them, saying that they had only themselves... Well, Miss, here'snews for you. You're one of them now. No need to be jealous, no need to scorn them because you couldn't be one of them. You -are- one of them. With all the pros and cons that go with it. Congratulations... You made it where I never could.
Now... Why do people, or me, feel a need to try harder to get things that have, or will reject you? I get rejected, in anything, and I try harder to get it back, or get it in the first place. Because I never got along with this crowd, I always thought it was something wrong with me. But there's not anyhting wrong with anyone. it's just differences that can't, or won't, be resolved. But seriously, when I'm rejected, I may act fine, I may look dandy, but darlin', it's hurting. It hurts more than you can possibly imagine, and I jsut hide well. I hide behind a mask of ditzy giggling blondness, or maybe a mask of shallow sorrow that can only convey the smallest piece of what I'm feeling.
*sigh* Well... I'm so sorry... Please forgive me? I refused to let you in, and I refused to let me out. I refused to let go of that horrible self-control I have, put there by insecurity. I miss you so much, I miss you're caring touch... I miss the good times and the bad, I wish you'd let me back in. I wish I could talk to you, and make you understand. But I can't. I wish.... I just wish, that I hadn't screwed it up, and made you so sad; I miss you and all your games; I'm sorry for not being more sympathetic about your hand; I miss Snatch, though I never did get it; I loved the football games, no matter how I complained; I loved your curly hair and the way your eyes lit up at a good joke; I miss your best friend and all the good times we had... And yet, I can't. Because it's over, and I know this. And no matter how I wish it wasn't, it is. So, please excuse me saying, but... Thank you.
Thinking of how I hate you,
And love you.
Thinking of how I want you,
And want to hit you.
Thinking of the good times,
And the bad.
But mainly...Just
Thinking,
Thinking of You.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, recap of the lost post. Gizmo's sold. I didn't cry for more than 2 minutes. I can't do relaitonships because I'm a loser. Something about public humiliation and falling on a sword instead of getting eaten by the dragon. (That was rather funny, but in order to get it all, I'd have to write it all back out, and well... that's jsut not happening!) Anyway... Yup. Bye bye bye!!!
Monday, July 21, 2003
I didn't want to admit it, but I've done it again. I've fallen in love with another frieking animal that cannot possibly be mine. Gizmo is killing me. I hope, hope to God and beyond, that she isn't chosen tonight, but there's no chance on her not being picked. Do you know, I offered my mom the whole price for he, in cash, 5 minutes ago? And I wasn't kidding. I would buy that puppy right of the bat. And I think Mom knows I was serious, she jsut didn't want me to do anything stupid.
This is one of those situations I told you about before... Perhaps not as bad, but... still there. I was thinking about my "Widdle Giz" (Stupid name, but sooo funny to see her waddling across the lawn when I call her.) being sold, and I teared up right there... So, when this lady comes, I'm going to hide in the basement, and wait for her to leave before I plague my mom for the results. Or rather... I'll be able to tell who it is stragiht by the look on Mom's face when her eyes meet mine. It'll either be a sympathetic "I told you so" look, or a thumbs up, mischief grin.
I'm having an anxiety attack right here, sitll in my grubby work clothes, waiting for the fucking lady, who was suppsoed to be here a half hour ago, to get her ASS over here, waiting for her tardy self! *shudder* And me, going to the mall tongiht with Meagan and Lindsey... *roar*AHHH!!!! MOVE IT!!!!!!
Ya know that feeling, when, before a first date, your stomach is in knots and your breathing is shallow, and you feel like your head is going to explode because you're so keyed up? Well... that feeling is fine... because its a good thing you're doing. Sending your favorite puppy to someone else's home, while waiting for them to get to your house to pick her out, is NOT a good feeling. Similar, but worse.
They're here. And, as promised, I'm hiding down here. Fuck it. I don't ahve to be polite. They're taking all the puppies. I can be downright rude, but Mom would kill me after, so... I deign to be anything, and leave. I'm so stupid... crying about a puppy that's not even mine, that's not ever going to be mine, and who needs a good home. And you now what? All I can think of is that I want to leave. I want to fly away, i want to run and hide, I want to escape. I can't wait to get out of here... Someone come rescue me. Please?
This is one of those situations I told you about before... Perhaps not as bad, but... still there. I was thinking about my "Widdle Giz" (Stupid name, but sooo funny to see her waddling across the lawn when I call her.) being sold, and I teared up right there... So, when this lady comes, I'm going to hide in the basement, and wait for her to leave before I plague my mom for the results. Or rather... I'll be able to tell who it is stragiht by the look on Mom's face when her eyes meet mine. It'll either be a sympathetic "I told you so" look, or a thumbs up, mischief grin.
I'm having an anxiety attack right here, sitll in my grubby work clothes, waiting for the fucking lady, who was suppsoed to be here a half hour ago, to get her ASS over here, waiting for her tardy self! *shudder* And me, going to the mall tongiht with Meagan and Lindsey... *roar*AHHH!!!! MOVE IT!!!!!!
Ya know that feeling, when, before a first date, your stomach is in knots and your breathing is shallow, and you feel like your head is going to explode because you're so keyed up? Well... that feeling is fine... because its a good thing you're doing. Sending your favorite puppy to someone else's home, while waiting for them to get to your house to pick her out, is NOT a good feeling. Similar, but worse.
They're here. And, as promised, I'm hiding down here. Fuck it. I don't ahve to be polite. They're taking all the puppies. I can be downright rude, but Mom would kill me after, so... I deign to be anything, and leave. I'm so stupid... crying about a puppy that's not even mine, that's not ever going to be mine, and who needs a good home. And you now what? All I can think of is that I want to leave. I want to fly away, i want to run and hide, I want to escape. I can't wait to get out of here... Someone come rescue me. Please?
Yay!! I found this blogger this morning... It's hilarious! There are so many links to funny stuff, games, etc. I spent like... 4 hours playing with all the stuff o nthe first page. And I'm gonna go back nad do it again tomorrow! So there! Tayster's Blospot
So... I'm chewing on a shard of those huge giant jawbreakers, nad I don't know about you, but I feel like I've already chipped about 6 of my molars, and will certainly need dental surgery. Lmao.
So... I went to soccer practice this morning with the BHS girl's soccer team, and well, it was fun. I'm all excited. Like, I can't kick a ball in a straight line, I always use my hands, and in other words, I break every rule in the book and still suck, but hey! I found out I'm a left footy. LoL
So, today... the game plan. hanging out with Linds. Gonna get lunch, prolly pick up Erik at one point or another, bring Seth, and then go to Kohls for shorts and socks. Maybe I'll hang out with the boy after I shop... Who knows? LoL Do I ever have a definitive game plan? Nahh... Where's the fun in that?
I RP'd last night, with Laura Naomi and Mic again... Ya know? I really missed playing around in the old chat rooms again, pretending I'm some zsuper angel girl. I now, I know... I'm a super geek. frell off. LoL It's fun. And besides that, you can really learn a lot about writing... New vocab, new styles, new ways to think of things. I miss RP'ing with my old pals... I feel like I know them, and I 've never even spoke to them on the phone. But, you can see how each of us has changed i nthe time that we haven't RP'd together... C's (characters) change as their "writer" changes. I noticed that my C, Aerienne, is more wary and cynical these days, where she used to be all peaches and cream, "Let's get together and play with the daisies." Bri was wary, and now longer the fun, though practical best friend of Rain... Mic was Mic. His C's, though close to Rain, never really knew Bri, so... I never know how they'll react. I wish he'd brought in the Sarcastic SOB. That C was always fun. rain and him used to get in such temper battles, Lol
So... I'm chewing on a shard of those huge giant jawbreakers, nad I don't know about you, but I feel like I've already chipped about 6 of my molars, and will certainly need dental surgery. Lmao.
So... I went to soccer practice this morning with the BHS girl's soccer team, and well, it was fun. I'm all excited. Like, I can't kick a ball in a straight line, I always use my hands, and in other words, I break every rule in the book and still suck, but hey! I found out I'm a left footy. LoL
So, today... the game plan. hanging out with Linds. Gonna get lunch, prolly pick up Erik at one point or another, bring Seth, and then go to Kohls for shorts and socks. Maybe I'll hang out with the boy after I shop... Who knows? LoL Do I ever have a definitive game plan? Nahh... Where's the fun in that?
I RP'd last night, with Laura Naomi and Mic again... Ya know? I really missed playing around in the old chat rooms again, pretending I'm some zsuper angel girl. I now, I know... I'm a super geek. frell off. LoL It's fun. And besides that, you can really learn a lot about writing... New vocab, new styles, new ways to think of things. I miss RP'ing with my old pals... I feel like I know them, and I 've never even spoke to them on the phone. But, you can see how each of us has changed i nthe time that we haven't RP'd together... C's (characters) change as their "writer" changes. I noticed that my C, Aerienne, is more wary and cynical these days, where she used to be all peaches and cream, "Let's get together and play with the daisies." Bri was wary, and now longer the fun, though practical best friend of Rain... Mic was Mic. His C's, though close to Rain, never really knew Bri, so... I never know how they'll react. I wish he'd brought in the Sarcastic SOB. That C was always fun. rain and him used to get in such temper battles, Lol
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Okay... I've been reading bloggers all morning, and I have a few comments. Actually... I jjust wonder. I really don't feel like writing now, thee's too much stuff in my ehad, I can't sort it out. But. G'luck Missa, Naomi, I hope you have success in your quest, and jenn, don't worry. Everyone has a soulmate. You'll meet the perfect person sometime...
About soulamtes... Does anyone really beleive in them, or is it simply something people say when they don't have a bf or a gf, and need something to keep their spirits up?
About soulamtes... Does anyone really beleive in them, or is it simply something people say when they don't have a bf or a gf, and need something to keep their spirits up?