Okay... Just for documentation, not for any purpose, because I simply don't want to have to relive what happened. Now, as you may or may not know, there's been a lot of little stuff happening to me... And while usually I can jsut... ignore the little stuff and get on with life, today I could not. It all came to a head after I'd hung out with Lindsey and Katie, who were inthe car, and I'm glad, because I'm really not sure whether I would have been able to stop myself if they hadn't been. No word of a lie, nor exaggeration. I had a violent, frightening urge to just ram my car into their dumptruck, and jsut... do that.

I was so scared, half of me desperately wanting to just drive straight into his stuff, perhaps try to blow it up, uncaring of what consequences there were, or what happened to anyone in the car. The other half of me, screamed, nay, shrieked and clawed at me to no... Just go up the driveway... Just go up the driveway... I think I'm losing it.

So, I went in the house, after slamming every door I could, and restraining myself from kicking anything tooo hard. I threw myself on my bed, and jsut cried... I couldn't stand it any more. The little stuff just washed over me, and i couldn't stand it anymore... I curled up in a little ball, while Lindsey and katie each went out to the back yard and played with the puppies, and cried. My bro came in and tried to make me feel better, but I was jsut sooo.... sad. I felt at the moment, that I could have stayed in bed for three days and just... shrieveled up, and died. Am I suicidal?

I htink I was jsut really really tired... So I went to Linds house and slept for an hour and a hlf on her couch, then felt much better. But... now I wonder. What if I can't contain myself next time? Will I hurt someone? Am I suicidal? Do i deserve to work for Al-Qaeda? (A touch of dark humor, for anyone who didn't understand.) I was so close. I'm really rather frightened of myself at the moment. I think I really would have done something if I hadn't had two people in the car. I was frozen for a moment, undecided, even wiht them in the car... And they knew it. The white knuckles, the grimace o nthe face, and the snarl emitted from my throat might ahve been clues, but oh god... I was dangerous. I need help, I think... Or less little stuff. And I need THIS ASSHOLE TO QUIT CHOPPING UP WHERE I GREW UP!!!!!!! Now I'm done... I'm going to go hide in my bed for three days and cry. G'night.