Is it really hard, virtually impossible, to have a serious conversation with me? I would like to ask Juice this, jsut to see whether it's true or not. I'm pretty sure it is, simply because of the way that Lindsey describes me. But no one else knows me as well as Linds, Katie, and them... I came to the conclusion last night that my "friends" are not really people I want to hang out with anymore. I've changed and they haven't. I never really fit in with them, and I suppose that the reason why I went out and changed who Iwas, joining a sport, hanging with different people, dating a person from a completely differerent social clique, all tha, is because I knew I didn't belong, and I needed to find other people who would like me for who I am, not for who they want me to be.

I felt like crying when I reached this conclusion, as I've always thought of that crowd as my friends, as my real friends, but to be sure, they aren't. They used to be friends, but you could never say that we were all hunky-dory. Dan belongs, Missy belongs, Corey belongs. I don't. So, what to do about it? Get over them. Luv them as I always have, but recognize the fact that they no longer want me around, and honestly, I don't really want to be around. I thought I did, but that's because they were the only ones I knew. Now that I can chill with Christine and Sarah and Katie and Ala and them... I found that I really do not need to depend so heavily on the old group.

I'm not saying that I never want to hang out withthem again, I'm simply saying that I don't want to hang out with them all the time. I don't need to. I can find other people to hang with. In fact, I already have. Missy used to scorn them, saying that they had only themselves... Well, Miss, here'snews for you. You're one of them now. No need to be jealous, no need to scorn them because you couldn't be one of them. You -are- one of them. With all the pros and cons that go with it. Congratulations... You made it where I never could.

Now... Why do people, or me, feel a need to try harder to get things that have, or will reject you? I get rejected, in anything, and I try harder to get it back, or get it in the first place. Because I never got along with this crowd, I always thought it was something wrong with me. But there's not anyhting wrong with anyone. it's just differences that can't, or won't, be resolved. But seriously, when I'm rejected, I may act fine, I may look dandy, but darlin', it's hurting. It hurts more than you can possibly imagine, and I jsut hide well. I hide behind a mask of ditzy giggling blondness, or maybe a mask of shallow sorrow that can only convey the smallest piece of what I'm feeling.

*sigh* Well... I'm so sorry... Please forgive me? I refused to let you in, and I refused to let me out. I refused to let go of that horrible self-control I have, put there by insecurity. I miss you so much, I miss you're caring touch... I miss the good times and the bad, I wish you'd let me back in. I wish I could talk to you, and make you understand. But I can't. I wish.... I just wish, that I hadn't screwed it up, and made you so sad; I miss you and all your games; I'm sorry for not being more sympathetic about your hand; I miss Snatch, though I never did get it; I loved the football games, no matter how I complained; I loved your curly hair and the way your eyes lit up at a good joke; I miss your best friend and all the good times we had... And yet, I can't. Because it's over, and I know this. And no matter how I wish it wasn't, it is. So, please excuse me saying, but... Thank you.

Thinking of how I hate you,
And love you.
Thinking of how I want you,
And want to hit you.
Thinking of the good times,
And the bad.

But mainly...Just
Thinking,
Thinking of You.