So, yesterday was a good day, and so was today!!

I saw an otter cross the road, then alled Naomi and was like, "Naomi!! I just saw an otter cross the road!" She sounds a lot different than I thought she would... Not bad, jsut very, critically, extremely different. Like... image-altering different. It was funny. I was answering on autopilot when she called me back, for a seond, it took me that loong to digest it. It was prolly funny to see my face. A mix of confusion, disbelief, and blooming amazement.

I mucked paddocks... an altogether shitty job, but bearable and almsot enjoyable in the warm afternoon sun. Especially when someone's helping you and you can laugh about stuff together. And then I blanketed ponies, which is a thoroughly enjoyable job, so close to these big, sun-baked creatures who look at you with such open, beautiful eyes. Then I went home with Dad, who oerced me into going home with the promise of seeing Memere. Who was very pleasantly surprised, and excited.

Then I went home ,surprised my mom and puppies!! And they were so happy to see me!! hehe I love dogs... Even if you're gone only 5 minutes, when you walk i nhte door, it's the same greeting as if you'd been gone for 2 weeks.

Anyway... I was so pissed last night, for a really, really dumb reason. But, like Scott once told me, in a completely straightforward, truth sort of way, "When you like someone, you act crazy." And it's so true. I tweak over things that if anyone else did it to me, I'd agonize for 2 minutes, then get over it and forget about it. But no... With Matt, I just... tweak, and it takes something completely absorbing, like sleep, to get me out of sync.

Meh... I -am- the Drama Queen Misys always wanted to be.

Like I said, insane. I'm fine. truly. It's just that sometimes, it seems like the whole world catches up to me, and I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't -be-. And then, as soon as I get busy again, as soon as I can't thin about it because I always have something to do, I'm fine.

*hollow laugh* I told dad that I wanted to be a wrangler when I grow up, becuase I don't want any time to think about anything beyond what the weather will be, what cows/horses are where, having what problems, how the terrain is, etc. I want to think of nothing beyond technical, mechanical stuff, because that -other- stuff hurts.

You know what hurts even more? *snort* The fact that I am actively looking for someplace to lay my ti'ed wittle head dis summa. I told dad I was going to run away, because I didn't want to go home. I said so many things that were so true, and that I would probably never do... Because it wouldn't help. It would just hurt those that are already hurt so much. Have I ever said I've turned into a crybaby? Yeah... WEll, just so when I make my book, here's the documentation... The tears are flowing again, at even the thought of hurting mom and dad more than they already are. Ugh...

Well... I said I was fine until I started thinking. Maybe that's why I lose myself in Kenshin, work, sleep, anything. I'm sorry I am such a downer. I swear, I laugh more than I cry!! I laugh all day long! I laugh at everything! When I walk to class, I see th squirrels tumble hrough the trees and I laugh; the crazy people around make me laugh; my friends are hilarious.

I think the reason why I didn't want to go to Luis's last night is because I didn't want to drink. Because drinking hurts me.. But I can see why people do it...

Anyway... I'm not angry. I'm not sad, really. I'm jsut me, a little too silly, a little too forced, a little too soft, and a lot like everyone else.

Wow... I am such a wuss. Waaaah. Life hurts. There are those out there who have it much worse, suck it up, Abbs! Will someone just give me a kick in the ass and be like.. .What's the the crying, you bitch? Suck it up and get on with it.

*snort* Or, this is how I would like to be... I think I'm just a big softie, like mom says.

I think I am going insane. My head hurts constantly, and I am so close to tears all the time. I think I'm going absolutely, positively, insane. My dad asked me if I was suicidal. My mom asked me if I was suicidal.

It hurt. A lot.

I cried all the way from my house, where I started crying after my bro did something with the wire they were handling and my mom's face got cut, and she started yelling at him. I just... started crying. I turned, walked up the hill in the backyard, sat on Tara's rock, and cried facing the woods. Mom came up and sat down. We talked for a bit.

I got in the car, after hugging Seth goodbye with what I wish was a real hug, but was really no more than an acceptance to my parents' request that I say goodbye to him. And all the way back to school, I cried. My dad talked to me the whole way down, and I responded, but there were tears running down my face, and my sleeve was soaked by the time I got there. I walked in, put my stuff down, and walked him back out. On the way back in, I made it to the second floor before I just... couldn't stand it anymore. It felt like I was dying, like I was going to collapse in a pile of clothes, shrivel up and just... disappear.

It's not one thing in particular, it's everything. It's just that life is life, for good or for bad, and I have no release to anything, anymore.

I miss Dan. I miss my brother. I miss math. I miss my family. I miss the days when things made a modicum of sense, when -I- made sense.

I'm not suicidal. (Now, if I put "Yet." here, would anyone scream and pass out? Prolly... So i'll leave the melodrama at the door.)