Tonight was interesting. Actually, this whole weekend was kind of interesting, so let me catch you up. Friday night, steph asked me to go skiiing and unfortunately, I had to turn her down beuase I had a horse show the next morning. (I'm hooked on Naruto, by the way. It's Japanese anime for all you unenlightened people. *snort* I'm so... I'm not sure how I feel about this fact.) But, at the horse show, I got a blue, in front of all these people I knew, including beth from Pilot Point, and Alicia. Made the victory so much sweeter, even if I am in the shittiest division ever.

Can I got off on a tangent for a moment? I am almost ashamed when I say I'm in the W/T division, but really, I don't know why. They needed a point rider, and though I'm overqualified experience-wise, my riding style is shit, and I have no official show experience. So... They threw me in the lowest division they could, to get the points. But God... I hate it even when I win. It's like stealing candy from a baby. I'm so overqualified for this division. If You win top 3 every time you're in the ring, you know you should be in a higher class. But whatever... I'm still getting the blues and helping the team out. So... W/T baby classes, I go!

Anyway... it was a long day, and by the time I got back, all I wanted to do was sit down and watch not one, not two, but 5 hours of Naruto (I actually made it to 1 in the morning- how sick is that?!)!! So I did. heh

Sunday, I was planning on going home, so I got my chem lab done, then went and pakced for my riding lesson and going home till today. Unfortunately, I locked my keys in my car, so... I cancelled my riding lesson and called my parentals to get me the spare key. As I stormed out of the dorm, I realized I had left my card isnide, but on the way back from my car (to check if my keys were actually in there- they were), guess who I found!? Oh, that's rihgt. Scott, that magnificent boy who constantly is letting me in the dorm when I forget my card. Amazing, and getting kind of creepy. I wonder if he is in fact stalking me, but... whatever!) Anyway...

So, I went home and everything was fine until tonight, when me and dad got a call that memere was not doing well, and we should probably get over there to get her in a rescue. Goddamit! So, we rushed over there, slowing down after seeing the 5 cars on the side of the road, one flipped completely on its roof. It was amazing. On the way back, we saw at least 3 more accident sites on the same stretch of road. Scary. I'm really glad we weren't 5 minutes earlier going to Memere, or that statey wouldn't ahve warned us to slow down. Geez, that woulda been horrible.

Anyway... At Memere's, I was watching as the nurse woke her up, and as dad talked to her. I was watching, and for some reason, tears jsut started falling. She was so fragile and I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would be okay, but... she doesn't want to be hugged, she's ready to go. She's said that. And, I'm really sorry thatI didn't know her better before this year. She really is a hot shit, and I can see where Auntie Mitch and Lou and Dad got their feistiness from. I never knew Curly, so... all I can guess, is from her. But, if someone that feisty and go-getterish, can get so weak and give up, what's going to happen to the rest of us? I jsut wish she would get better- really better, not just halfway there.

Anyway... I guess I jsut don't want to get old, and I really saw what it was like tonight? Nana and Grampa have always hidden it from me, but for the first time ever, I saw jsut what happens when people get old. And it made me sad. It made me feel like I jsut wanted to curl up next to her and cry for her, for all the things she's been through, for everything she's tried so hard to accomplish, for everything she's been and seen and done, and how she's never going to be able to do any more. It makes me sad to see someone who, through the stupidity of someone else, can barely walk down the street. It makes me want to be sick. And I can't help her at all. No matter how much I laugh for her, and smile at her, it won't make her well. There's nothing any of us can do. And so... I cry. Like the weakling I am, I cry for her. I feel the hopelessness and pain and sadness, and I cry. So, I emailed my professor and told her I wouldn't make the class/exam tomorrow becuase I was going to visit my memere, because I think my dad is right. I don't think she's going to live very long after this, and I do love her, and I do want to see her. And it's horrible that I never really understood this until tonight.