I was listening to the radio in my car today, and kept picking out lyrics that I wanted to put in here, to fuel my penitent attitude, but I started trying to remember so many songs and groups, it finally came to me: People screw up. That's all there is to it. You feel bad after, you want to do anything to make it right, but it's unavoidable- you're going to fuck shit up.

Hah... I'm dumb for not coming to this conclusion so much earlier. I mean, seriously, my life would be so much less... penitent. I could stop saying sorry and stop worrying about how people were affected, because they would be over it as soon as they screw something up. It would be a wonderful cycle.

But I never would. "You're the only one who apologizes. And means it. That's one of the things I love you for." *shakes head* Yes, a glutton for punishment, I know. But a penitent one, at least.

Anyway... I jsut kind of sat back and stopped watching the road- geez, it was for all of 1/2 a second!- to ponder the course of this thought. And I came to a satisfying conclusion. People will always screw things up for one reason or another, it's the person who can move on and grow from it that is the stronger, bigger person. No one's perfect, give up the search right now- you'll never find them.

And if you did, you would hate them- they'd make you look bad all the time. haha

Laura, my Long Island Love Muffin... Has a certain ring to it, eh? *Grins* I -like!!-

I heard you talked to the other half of the Incredible Laura Duo lately... And it was good! See? I have eyes and ears everywhere... haha I can't wait until next year when all I ahve to do is head to you place and either get wrapped up in studying with Laura or partying with you both or fooling around with you... hahah It's gonna be fantastic! WOOT WOOT!!!

LMAO... So, At the campfire with Linds and Kyle, Linds wanted to call Cat. I didn't really care, so I played along with the first few, and gradually lost count of how many different messages we gave him- All of them hilarious in one way or another, of course. I think I like the story-time about the cat who went to the gynecologist because "he" had fishbones "stuck in his ass." *shakes head* It was hilarious. Or... Perhaps the three different voices that Linds did- Bitches, WHAT?!?! They were awesome!! What do you charge for parties, girly?!

I jsut want to say that my friend Corey, I jsut found his LJ and though some people may say that he's fallen off the deep end, I think he's doing okay. Perhaps not on the par of normal, but what is "normal" anyway? Really now... Horribly over-rated.

Corey is one of those people who tries to be the best that he can, whether in the Wiccan/religious, Brotherhood, or Friendship arenas. School? Meh... It's important, but I think there are better things he could be doing, honestly. I'm not saying drop out, goof, but I think you won't really have any particular use of what you're learning wherever you're going. I think you're meant for something that none of us can really even... imagine.

I was thinking about some of my friends the other day- the very different groups I hang out with, and the fact that though they may say hi to each other on the street, not many would dream of hanging out with the others. It's refreshing- I go for opinions or ideas, and all of them have something completely different to say. College has changed each and every one of us, for better or worse, who can say? We all ahve our opinions, but they stay tucked down into the quiet zone, unspoken, unannounced.

"If I could be like that, what would I do? What would I do?"
- 3 doors Down, If I can Be Like That

I realize that I rarely ahve a point. *Smirks* I jsut speak, and though it makes sense in my head, I realized that only on rare occasions do I actually say anything.

So why do I speak?

I have to admit... I -love- ICP. Some of the songs, anyway. I am gradually getting a collection enough for a CD. Seth refuses to make me one because "You'll get killed! You wear PacSun hoodies and you have blonde hair!! You don't smoke or do anything! People get offensive at shit like that... Besides, I can't ruin my rep- what would they think if I let you listen to that shit!?"

Hah... It's so true... People would definitely stare if I went through the center of town blasting ICP, Dark Lotus, Twizted, etc. Hilarious. But I like it... So what if I'm not a total creep? Does that mean I can't like it? God. haha

Meh... Everything is good as long as I'm moving. It's just when I stop and sit and start thinking that everything goes upside down, inside-out.

I need to go running... *pout* I swear, by the time I get home these days, it's too dark to go play on the trails, and I'm afraid of the track at night. It's just creepy in the dark, with only those two lights on at opposite sides and dark along the straightaways. Beside, I love to run and I can't without light. Yuck.

I need to look up the proper use for grammatical punctuation. Shit.

Some days I beat myself senseless with regret and remorse and self-hatred, while others I simply shrug it off and keep going. More and more often, I find these days merging into weekends, even weeks. Just... alternating between the two polar opposites of caring and not caring. Of caring so much it hurts, and of glancing at everything with a cold, crystal eye.

Today, I am crystal, yesterday I cared. What changed?

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again

- Dido, "Honestly OK"

Even on a day like this when you're crawling on the floor
Reaching for the phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something

Staring at the same four walls, have you tried to help yourself
The rings around your eyes they don't hide, that you need to get some rest

It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breathe and choose your moment

Don't slide

Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far
Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all

It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breathe and choose your moment

Don't slide

You brought this on yourself
and it's high time you left it there
Lie here and rest your head
and dream of something else instead

Don't slide

- Dido, "Slide"

Hmm... Can we tell what I was listneing to this morning, and obsessing over? *Smirk* Mmm... I'm sure -some- of us can.

To Tricksy:
Have you ever felt the weight of something that is so hopeless you would rather break it, stomp it, shatter it to a thousand pieces than live another day without being able to do something? I've offered so many explanations and asked for your understanding, but this one reason I remembered from so long ago- the first time I hurt you, the first time I wondered why I ever did it.

I no longer ask for forgiveness; in fact, at the same time that I only want to jump and dance and hug you and tell you what I got on my latest chem exam or tease you about being a music snob, I hope you never forgive me, never speak to me again, because I -will- hurt you again. And that certain fate is unbearable.

Selfish, I realize. Too late, I understand. But there it is. I simply began to enjoy talking to you too much, started wondering what you looked like, what you were like on the the street, and found myself hopelessly frustrated because there was nothing I could do about it. I'm so sorry I hurt you... I'm incredibly sorry I'm so dumb that I can't even understand myself enough to have warned you.

Why am I writing this? I don't even know if you read this thing or not, but you did a long time ago, so maybe you still do. You said you read some, but wouldn't say who's... So, I write this in order for you to understand that no matter how horrible you feel you are, you can't be that bad. You had someone fall in love with the face underneath. Even through the KO boxing matches and silent treatments and multiple absences, screw-ups and swearing, I have loved you from day one.

Don't hate yourself, please... You don't deserve it.

I'm so sorry. Hate me, instead.

~Silly~

PS. Remember the memo I sent through Link? An invite to a campfire... *Smirk* See how goofy I am? Oy. Take care, boyo.

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Hah... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! That's waht I say to this!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!

Hmm... Dramatics. I think Jeremy may have been right when he said that I was the drama queen Missy always wanted to be. haha

Nahh... I went clubbing last night, and it was fun. Probably more fun than any other night of clubbing I've ever done. *Blink* Which, if you look at the situation, may seem a bit... classic. :) MP, I love you to death, don't ever forget it. Last night was awesome! We should do it again sometime... But with more guys, less lesbians. hahah And no worries, that wicked hottie will definitely be after your nuts! heheh Like a squirrel! Oh man... I am getting waaay too much sleep these days. haha

And now, because I feel much better about everything, I am definitely going to go listen to some Poison, eat some Honey Bunches of Oats, and... go fishing!!! Doesn't that sound like fun? I should be studying... *Growl*