HAHAHA!

"And then, there are some wounds, some betrayals that are so deep, so profound, that there's no way to repair what was lost. And when that happens, there's nothing left to do but wait." -Grey's Anatomy

As much as people think that show is stupid and pointless, and I agree- don't get me wrong, I totally think it's the OC in a hospital setting-, they have some pretty decent quotes. And this one just sums up nicely what I did last night. Sometimes, you jsut can't do anymore, and that's all there is to it. You have to call it quits to give it a chance to heal. Don't be mad, just remember that selfishness is a defense mechanism that sometimes needs to be used... *Blink*

And now my back is killing me so... I'm going to go lie down and... do nothing. Like my mommy told me to.

I have this song, this... acoustic guitar, orchestra, gorgeous song in my head. It rises and falls, opens once more, powerful and charismatic, full-strength in my ears and I want it louder, to get all the small undertones that escape unless the music is so loud it drowns everything else in its wake... What is this magical song, you ask?

The opening theme to Brokeback Mountain, which is... interesting.

I have only -paused- at several films in my life- first was Dances with Wolves. I can't remember why, but every time I watch it now, I turn it off before the whites come to take the land from the indians (PC, I know, but it's my journal, so...). And I need to watch it again, feel that amazing feeling of... When you take a deep breath and exhale and jsut sit there and your mind resonates with, "Oh." Nothing else, just... that one syllable, that one sound that sums it all up in a way that words cannot.

The next was The Last Samurai. Same feeling, same lack of expression, same... pit in my stomache and no way to allieve it except write and write and write meaningless words, words that cannot express the feeling but try to do so anyway.

Requiem of a Dream- The last 20 minutes are... so powerful, so incredibly -painful-, it hurts to watch. It hurts to contemplate, anything but push it down and let my subconscious manifest it through dreams is life-threatening.

Brokeback Mountain is... less painful, but equally thought-provoking. It makes me want to ... be a better person. It makes me want to open my damned eyes and just... leave them open. No more squinting, no more turning away. Face the world with wide-open eyes, let the critics be damned.

God, I'm so sorry... I never meant to scare you. Please know that. I hope you know that. I hope that... you realize I will scare you in the future, but never about who you are... Because I love you jsut for that- for being you. And everything that encompasses. God, now I'm crying... Jesus..

"I do believe I have been changed for the better.... And because I knew you... I have been changed for good." -Guess.

I have kitty stickers! haha I'm such a lunatic. But I still need a scalpel. To cut these fuckers out.

I have kitty stickers! haha I'm such a lunatic. But I still need a scalpel. To cut these fuckers out.

I need help. I've come to this conclusion. I've reached the point in my life where I'm so... paranoid about how people don't care, that I 1) realize I'm being paranoid 2) don't want to talk to anyone for fear of being right and 3) don't ever write in this with anything substantial because... see #2.

Pathetic.

Last night, I pulled the plug on a conversation quite suddenly, because I knew where it was going. And today, that person basically told me that they were done with 99% of any contact. Right then and there. And I'm worried. Horribly worried. I don't think they're getting better, I can't do anything to help them, and... I think they're putting themselves out of reach.

My brother is turning 18 and if he does anything else, he can't go back, because he'll be an adult. ACI, no longer Juvenile Delinquency... We're going to get tattoos together but I can't help but wonder if it's even worth it. If I won't look back and shakes my head at the little horse on my foot, wishing I had never gotten a permanent picture on my skin to remind me of the brother that did so much damage.

School is really not that bad this semester. Busy, but not outrageously so. I have a couple things to do tonight, but as far as i know, it's not piling up. LoL It's always the stuff you can't remember, or didn't remember to write down, that kills you.

Sometimes, I miss having a boy around. Not any boy, THE boy. Not Matt, nor anyone in particular, just that person whom you put trust in, who you know well enough to predict when they're going to smile or if they've been hurt. Get my drift?

I feel naked without my car. I don't even have to go anywhere, I just hate the fact that I CAN'T go anywhere even if I wanted to. That sucks.

I have laura's copy of Gray's Season 2 on my bed... She wrpped it in celophane(sp?) then put it in a giant Ziploc baggie. I love her to death for being just as silly as me on a good day.

I called the doctor the other day to get help and she yelled at me. It's got me running scared. But I remember Carolyn's comment, "You haven't been you for the past couple weeks," and I can't not go. I laugh and it feels good, I smile and it feels good, but when I sit and sit and sit, it feels normal. I want a smile to feel normal again... Hopefully it will happen again soon.

My beta's name is Arby, he's blue and gorgeous. Right now, his water is cold so he doesn't swim around much, but with the addition of a heating pad, perhaps iridescent fins will flash and water will be stirred with the sheer volume of pent-up passion. The goldfish are doing well... I should name them. One is primarily white with only a touch of gold on his head and near the base of his tail, another is just plain light gold, while the third is bigger than the other two, and is pretty evenly divided between gold and white. The tip of his tail is white, turning gold halfway down... maybe I'll call him Sharky. He's always searching for a free meal like a White Tip Reef shark... *Grins* I think he bullies the others, too...

I put up a picture of Sprite and Codie yesterday. They have a cardboard frame, but it's shaped like a rhomboid, all slanty on the sides and whatnot. Then I wrote my favorite dog sayings around it in different colored sharpie and... it's cute. Sprite's looking at the camera with giant yellow eyes and you can almost see her thinking, "Oh! You surprised me! What are you doing there?" Sneaky humans... heh Always slinking around with those crazy flashy things.

5 Signs of a good conversation:
1) Started with a mention of fishing.
2) Includes mention of the Dahli Llama- spelled wrong, of course.
3) Has at least one comment about how India is overrun with cows
4) A cooking show is the main backdrop for the storyline.
5) Ends with strawberry icecream "that even Ben and Jerry would bow down to"

Okay, so now that I have proven I can have logical, even rational conversations with people about becoming pirates in red trucks, and the aforementioned 5 topics, (Add in pineapple milk to the above convo.) I think it may be time for bed. Absolutely.

It makes me sad that you are so resigned. I wish you understood that there are so many behind you in spirit, even if we can't in body.

Pathetic, lame, retarded, and cruel. But all of that, behind you? How can you go wrong? *Grins* Take care, Tricks.

One look puts the rhythm in my head.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around.
I see what's going down.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror,
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again.
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect;
Every action in this world will bear a consequence.
If you wade around forever you will surely drown.
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say your right again
heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough.
It's coming round again.(2)

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has

Face down in the dirt she says "this doesn't hurt"

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Facedown

I can't not like this song. I don't know why, it makes me scream out loud and jump around and just... be my little punky self. If I could pull off punk, that is. haha

Personally, I think more of myself as a Travis, Poe, Concrete Blonde, etc., fan. But when a song just hits you, then... go with it. And this one frieking walloped me good. Like Blue October does. Like Gasolina does. haha I love that song, weird as it sounds.

Matt and I are cool, we chit-chatted yesterday, he fixed my screwdriver. Which I didn't actually break, just didn't know how to use, evidently.

Tim is... well, I'm leaving that for the SB and future review.

tongiht is dinner in the Middle of Nowhere ... diner. hahahah I love that place! And I miss my handwriting option on MSN Messenger. Boooo Macs for their stupidity. LoL I love my Mac, don't ever get me wrong, but sometimes I wish the software was jsut the SAME!!!! LoL Meh, I supposed I'll jsut use the Bitch if I get that feisty about it. haha

I have some ideas about my Honors project: This girl in my class mentioned investigating the rumor that URI throws away their recycling instead of spending the time and money to recycle.

Investigation, huh? Sounds like right up my alley. I'll have to brainstorm a bit more when I have some time on what kinds of topics I'd like to check out.

PS. I have a dragon on my ankle... I cannot wait til 10/1. Then it'll be a horse on mah foot! SWeeeeeeet. Not to mention Kev's birthday... heheh I think I may leave that up to Kate, though, for reasons that... I don't really feel like explaining. haha That's a first, huh?

No, it's not bad, perhaps even good in a way. We'll see how it pans out.

There's really not tooooo much going on down here. School is school, though I must say I'm doing better at it than I thought I would, mainly because there's not much else to do.

Okay, I lie.

I have been partying my ass off all week long, somehow managing to get homework done on time, but still partying my ass off. I am utterly disgusted with the Boys' Club, their infantile stupidity is wearing on me. Grating on me. Making me want to kick them all and be done with it.

Unfortunately, I live with one and so it is not to be had. Hopefully, I can jsut stay out of it and live to next year, when I won't have to look at any of them, with the exception of James and Boner. hahah I love that name... Sooooo bad.

I am currently doing my lab report right now, and it's going well. I think the 3 hour nap this afternoon is allowing me to stay up and fxn this late. Lol OMG... fxn=function. I think I'm turning into a science geek.

Just so I remember what actually happened to my head:

Steph whacked me so hard with hers that I flew sideways across the boat (Helped by a huge wave), into the person opposite, who later asked, "How's your head? With the 'crack!' I heard, it's gotta be hurting!" hahah Greeeaaaatttt..

We burst through waves, instead of over them because we had the two heaviest guys in the raft in front.

Big Mama was frieking HUGE!!!

Maytag was incredible- see account above.

Oooooh man. Was this trip ever awesome.

My brother is missing once again, and though I prefer to think of myself as cold to the situation, I know through action and blankness of thought, that I am not. I want nothing but sleep and mindless activity, nothing of friends nor relatives, folly nor laughter. Just... sleep.

I'm having a "Waht if the neigbors find out?" thought in my head. If I feel this blank and dead and useless, would suicide really be such a horrible option? To take the easy way out- would that be such a horrible way to work it out? Drugs? Alcohol? Medication? Are they not all the same? Short, quick, EASY answers (answers or cuts in the maze hedge?) to a riddle that really cannot be solved? I do believe so. They treat the symptoms and not the problem.

But, is there really any way to cure this problem? Except perhaps by... by what? Cutting oneself off? By pretending the world is great and good and wonderful? By drinking oneself into a stupor if only to numb an already thoughtless mind?

How to fix this problem? I really think I am jsut tired... No need for hysterics or melancholy. Just sleep will work.

I hope.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 70% Stability |||||||||||||||| 66% Orderliness |||||||||||| 46% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||| 43% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||| 30% Dependency || 10% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||||| 84% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||| 23% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 56% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

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Moving back to school in a week, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Excited.
Nervous.
Anxious.
Afraid.
Giddy.

It kind of runs the gambit (Matt? A little help here?). When I think about it, I tend to focus on 1) seeing Dave and Kevin and Kate again, and get extremely happy about it, or 2) seeing Kate and Dave and Kevin and 'The House' again, and get extremely agitated.

I'm really truly afraid that by being hesitant, I'm going to screw everything up all over again. But I'm jsut not confident enough to go stomping in there like I own the place, like I did last year. I'm finding out how timid I am when I tell Andrew I won't even ask Kate if she'd be okay with helping to throw her best friend a 21st bday party. Or Dave, for that matter.

Things were left on such shaky footing, that I'm sure I'm being dumb, but I jsut can't help it. Self-confidence issues? My middle name.


So live your life as if everydays' gon be your last
Once you move forward can't go back
Best prepare to remove your past

Ghetto- Akon

Okay, so this week has been pretty decent! I got my hours upped at the oyster job and... I got BACK into the chem lab I'd accidentally checked myself out of- thank GOD!!! and... I got a pair of ARIATS!!! YAYAYAY!!!

And in case anyone is wondeirng what the HELL I'm talking about, Ariats are... boots. Riding boots. they're simply wonderful. LIKE... the Boots to have. I'm soexcited. I'vee been dreaming of them for years!!! hahah

Oh, and I know where Hull is now!!! thank you, GPS! I need one,... they really are incredible stalker tools, I would think. haha

hahah So Boston was just one craaaaaaazy day.

First off, Andrew drove from Portsmouth to here to Boston. Nuff saif. Lol crazy right there.

So, we decide that since he'd driven this far we might as well catch a commuter rail in and save the rest of the way. Yeah. Great plan. except that ALL of the commuter rail parking lots along 95 are full. So, after parking at the end of the 2nd one we tried, walking 15 minutes to where the train is and finding out that Oh! The commuter rail stopped going at 10, and it's 11, we walked back. Got into an argument and check out how long this one HUGE car was. It was pretty long. I admit it.

So, we got to the last T stop in Quincy Center, after checking uot Quincy Adams, and it was full (Duh!) so we parked on the street.

No prob,. 15 minute walk, we're awesome. Until he looks down and smirks, "Hey abby... I don't have my cell phone." hahah Yeah me and Andrew adventures.


It was jsut a whole day of ridiculousness- including lots of hiking up and down Boston, getting off on the wrong subway stop, getting back on the subway, finding her apartment, finding HER, meeting friends, drinking cocktails underage, and... getting free food, Apple store, CVS, Bath and Body Works, all the good stuff..

Andrew, I love you, boyo. heheh We have such good adventures together. Let's do it again soon!

I am in such a good mood. First off, I had such a great time in Boston the other day- getting lost, found and everything in between with Andrew. haha What an awesome guy.

I'll write in more detail about that lata.

Today, Cinnamon Crunch bagel with Hazelnut cream Cheese?? Ohhh yeah! then I found a leaning bookshelf that is going to take the place of a certain ugly Baker's rack, and I bought a computer desk that will not kill my poor room, and... I have a new bureau to put in my closet so I can fit all my underwear!

I'm getting drunk-texted again, so I guess we're good... Or, as good as it gets? I ordered 250 pictures from CVS to fill in my new GORGEOUS photo album, all of which from last year and practically stinking of awesomeness. I got all my Toshiba letters done and now all that's left is URI. Woot!!!

Kk, Now I'm off to find directions to build my bookshelf and then to work! MUAH!

And Kevin, this is for you. I -will- control the world before yoU!!! MWuahahaha!!! And then you and Chris will be my dancing monkeys... hehehe

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 60%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Greed: 20%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 23%

You will die, after conquering the world as an evil dictator.

How Sinful Are You?

Dave, this is for you:

Your Pirate Name Is...

Pegleg Busty Bertha

What's Your Pirate Name?

I just found this crazy quiz on James's site and was like... Hmm... that pretty much fits him... I wanna take it! And dude... *Blink* Well, see for yourself, darling!

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

I'm thinking of taking up sailing. haha Yes, as a sport, this semester. I'm going to want stuff to get me out of the house, and... the equestrian team is not only expensive as hell, but also not enough. I want something that will take up time. haha I'm such a brat.

First off, my teeth are killing me. Slowly, painfully, and completely. If this pain does not subside in the next few days, I am demanding a check-up, because... I cannot chew. I have subsisted on Carnation Instant Breakfast and... milk and not much else for the last couple of days.

And. the housing situation has had me worried since... well, since there was a housing situation. And... I'm slowly but surely coming to the conclusion that no one wants to live in the Gansett house. No one. I have emailed like... 8 people, everyone who could possibly live in that house, and... NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE THERE!!! God, I hate that fucking house. Hate it. LoL I have never had such a chemistry problem with anything like I have with that house. A structure of wood, steel, and cement, and I hate it like I have never hated anything or anyone. With one possible exception. And I'm not going into that. LoL

But really... I was thinking about it and there are such pros and cons to both housing places, I'm coming to the conclusion that it all weighs out in the end and fate is going to roll this die. I mean, the guys are graduating and no matter how much I may dislike the outside influences present in our house, I absolutely love Dave and Kate and Kevin. So... I figure that I have put in the best effort I possibly could, and I have asked every single person I can find on that damned website, and if I can't find someone, then... everything happens for a reason. Maybe I am jsut supposed to learn how to live and deal? Forgive and forget? Stand up for myself in a forthright manner? Who knows? There are so many things I could learn, we ALL could learn.

But... The real reason for starting this writing session is actually none of the above. Has to do with all, but is not exactly what's above.

I'm getting resigned to the idea that I may have to live in this house. So... If I actually HAVE to do this, I want an interview. Just like any other roomie, I want an interview.

But not really an interview- let's call it a house meeting over the summer, not in the house. Yes? And we'll have it out. I know kevin's pissed, wouldn't even speak to me on the way to the lease signing, Dave's Dave, Kate's... Well, who knows what's going on with kate? I just don't place any bets in her corner.

God, the whole thing makes me want to cry. Face up to the people who I have problems with?! Who does that?? NOT ME!!! Run run run!!! Maybe that's what this is all about. Face your fears, woman. Maybe this is the kick in the ass that Fate sees necessary for my education. *Shakes head*

You are a cruel bitch, Fate.

I'm restless. I want to write. I want to talk to Matt, good Matt. I want to send ridiculous pictures to people I used to love hanging with. I want my friends back, I want to live with my family again, I don't want to have to meet and live with and learn to deal with new people. I want my room back and all my stupid plants and my stupid lights and ridiculous drawer of naughty things. Well... only one naughty thing, and not even that naughty.

I just... I want there to be what will never be again, and I know just as well as anyone else that it never will be, but it doesn't matter because I still want it.

I want to read, but I'm just... I can't sit still. I want to talk to James, but there's just nothing. NOTHING.

I looked through my pictures for house pictures and had to relive every good time that was had with my school family and... it made me incredibly wistful because I'm jsut so sure that I'm never going to be close to Kate again, and I'll never sit with Kev and watch Smallville again and me and Dave? Well... who knows.

I wanna joke around with Matt about the RIDICULOUS pictures I have from jamestown- Tippy the Dog, monkeys and lion-hiding. I want to give Josh a copy of the chinese hat picture, and I want to watch Kate-closet movies with the two monkeys... Crack up laughing and never stop.

God, I jsut want what I once had, what I once thought was heaven on Earth, though I know it certainly wasnt. I want the past.

Meh.

I guess I just want the impossible.

Boo Hiss for me being stupid. I guess I'm jsut being dumb because I now am definitely not moving back in and... well, to be strictly truthful, I'm frieking hurt as hell.

No one cares. Dave cares, but that's it. Kate told me to do what I had to do, kev wouldn't even respond to my IM. I swear to God, I wish I could

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

I NEED to see the ending. NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!

But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long

I ain't gonna sleep
I ain't gonna dream
About the things that I used to need
I ain't gonna cry
Or go on living lies
I'm just gonna drive

The Wreckers - Cigarettes

Mmm... This is waht I feel like I'm doing. Don't whine, no more crying, jsut get up and walk away. Some things are lost and can't be found. Some things don't go back to normal. And this, my friends, is one of them.

I love you guys... Please don't ever doubt it. But I left a piece of myself there and never got it back. Events conspired against me/us/whatever, and shit happens. Have fun with your new (I hope!) girl, she's probably better than me anyway- less moody bitch, more fun and games!

Please don't ever look back... I -chose- this. No matter how scary and unknown, no matter how my mind balks at the idea of wrapping around not moving back in, no matter how I think... wouldn't it be easier jsut to take the year off and not worry about this BS?

Do waht you need to do, girl. New year's Resolution. Do waht feels right, do what you want, do what you gotta do. And do it right. No half-steps.

Shit, I'm scared.

Oooh, I'm sporting a new look! All my hairs are chopped off, and it is so frieking cute!! But grown-up, too! It's amazing, I love it. Granted, after I take a shower and jsut leave it to do whatever it wants, it may not look so cute, but... right now, it's frieking adorable! haha

Even my dad said so. Which is... frankly, a miracle. He was my strongest advocate when I told him I was going to get it cut, and when he walked in, he gaped and sputtered,"OMG!.. Oh... Hmm... I like it!" YAYA!!

And now... onto the worst part of the day... Wisdom teeth extraction... BOOO HISS!!!

I have come to the conclusion, with the help of a few good friends who have been there throughout, that boys are crazy.

There really is nothing else to say.

Except, I really hope that you, and you know who you are, aren't doing this because of something else.

I hate the idea that I jsut lost, through actions that I absolutely don't recall doing, one of the last people I called a good friend. *Blink* This whole year has been a haze of confusion and chaos and... drama. Coming home was finally the end of that. thank God. But wow... the effect that one person can have on your life is.. well, it's unfair.

I blame you, Yeti-Boy. I'm sure that I and others had a hand in it, but I blame the starting, majority, and ending on you. But no worries... I'm smart, tough, and slightly psychotic (I guess). So I will make it.

On the other hand, I need to start reading the newspaper again. I find myself missing that I don't know the current events. Weird, huh? I was all excited to find that H5N1 is now person-person. Well, not excited, just... kind of surprised.

Maybe I'll go read some news now. I find it funny how I'd much rather read the news than watch it on the TV. I think it's because I get to pick and choose over which articles I want to peruse when I read, whereas I jsut ahve to watch whatever they think is most important- something gory and utterly depressing- on TV.

PS. DL The Bangers (Michelle Branch band- country-ish)

I love summer. Love it. Love the heat, the sun, swimming, riding, running, just love the whole concept. Unfortunately, there is one aspect I do NOT love. God, do I get bored!!! LoL

I'm so jealous of guys. They all jsut get together and shoot guns or do stupid things and it's great! Girls? Generally, not like that. I have a few who are awesome, but for the most part, extension of my perpetual boredom.

Meh, I suppose it could be worse. I could be you. Reading this because you have nothing better to do. *Grins* Lee, of course that comment is not directed toward you. I know you read this as a labor of love. haha

I'm having a good time, though. hehe I went swimming yesterday, I went to see X-Men 3 (AMAZING!!!) today and I'm going to the beach tomorrow! YAYAY!!! This weekend, I'm making money and... I love money during the summer. hehhee

Yeah, this is a pointless, bland, ridiculous piece of shit entry that has nothing to do with how I feel, what's going on, or anything important. But sometimes, it's good to just prattle on and chatter and be silly and spend some time not worrying about all the shit that is soon enough going to make your life miserable without you able to do SHIT against it. Oops, there goes that streak of depression that keeps creeping up.

But seriously, it's been a good time. I need to go running or I'm going to be fat like whoa, but... I feel good. I can't wait to swim again... I love swimming.

Ever have someone say something to you and it just completely -floor- you? Out of the blue and you ahve no idea how it happened?

I found myself in tears because of something said to me, something so simply and stupid and true, and I was relieved. I was relieved to hear what they said. Because after these past few months, I'm not sure anyone would say the same thing. And I jsut needed to be reassured, again, that it was true.

Thank you again... And if you -still- are offering to lay him out for me, I'll take you up on it.

I'm sick of school. I'm sick of studying my ass off and getting it handed to me in grades. I didn't do horribly. Not at all. I jsut didn't do as well as I'd wanted.

And I'm pissed.

If you must know, I'm mostly pissed because I am NEVER as good as her. *snarl* I feel like no matter how ahrd I try, I will never be as awesome as her. Oy. I should jsut quit trying. You know, I did once and it worked. I did better. LoL But now it's like chasing my own tail.

But enough. It's officially summer, I'm officially and junior in college, and... I've officially doomed any chance I may have had with med school. Oy.

I jsut watched a TV version of Wild Things. So, I was sitting there at the end, thinking to myself, Holy Shit. That's frieking AWESOME. I wanna watch it again jsut so I can see all the subtleties, get the picture with ever more depth. Heh

But I told Dave that I thought that movie was good and now he's convinced I'm a lesbian. So I thought about it and I jsut want to put out there: NO. I'm the girl that all guys want, whether they know it or not. I'm sexy, cute in a skirt, and can kiss like hell. *Smirks* Take that, self-confidence. Need a boost? You jsut got it. haha Yay me!

haha Yeah... I'm going to pat myself on the back just this once, because I feel today has been a day of neglect and couch queenliness. And then I'll go crow in hte SB, where no one has to see hte full measure of my momentary ego.

Linds, I think your bro should be slapped. Along with his wife. Because they are whore-tastic for being such assholes to your mom. I will be over tomorrow to do my share to my "mom". Though I think we should make a trip to my house because... you have a second "Mom" too. heh

IT's sad... All the cool, personality-derived fun things that were on my walls are down now. Booo!! It's boring to be in my room now!

Alright, well... It is getting to be that time of year again. Time to pack up and get going, move out and head home.

I can't wait. I'm so excited, I'm packing right now.

This year, in review, has been one large complex event. All roads lead to nowhere and everywhere at once. Each place where things could be different, you realize that it wouldn't be anything but what it is, no matter where it went.

I'm jsut hoping that summer corrects those things that need to be corrected, heals those wounds that are in desperate need of a soft touch, and allows for forgiveness to be given to those that need it.

I also hope that anger is replaced with humor, selfishness gives way to warmth, and spite is cleaved from the spirit.

I was just reminiscing with Miss Katrina about the differences between 1st semester and this one, and... they're amazing. For the first 4 months, this house was one community, all doors open to all, video games were played and laughed about, TV shows were shared, food was an excuse for community gatherings, and the kitchen a place of warmth and laughter. These are things sorely missed, and I'm not sure how they went missing, what sucked the life from this dismal existence.

I've changed. I know this. My heart is now more tempered, my romantic edge dulled and my defenses honed to a keen edge. Paranoia is my new friend, though I'm inclined to wonder- if they're really against you, are you truly being paranoid? Maybe realism is my new bed-buddy. Many of the people I called friends are now kept at an arm's length, watched and scrutinized for cracks in the remaining facade of friendship, while others have been brought closer by mutual loss.

Granted, there are many wonderful things come out of this year- I have friends I wouldn't exchange for the world, old friends become new, and memories with no equal. More trouble, more fun, more emotion and thought have been mine this year, how can you regret any of it? Even when things were horrible, D-Cubed ruled my days and regret my nights, there are memories and people I will never forget. Laugh and cry about, but never forget, and never regret.

Thank you all for such a crazy, silly, exhausting, wonderful, heart-breaking year full of learning experiences, passion, stupidity, and most of all, life at its purest.

Naomi, this is for us and the good life. YAY!!!!!!

"Stuff it, half pint."

hahah That's RIIIIIIGHT up there with, "Keep your dog on a leash." *Cracks up* I love just thinking about it.... hhahahaahahahaha

You're no fun.
Loosen up.
Just kiss me.
Why're you always so tight?
There, that felt better.
Didn't that feel better?
What happened?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you mean that?
You are cruel.
Stop that!

65.
B-.
How can you sit there and not worry?
How are you so cool?
Things jsut don't bother you.
Smile, will ya?
There we go.
Sing.
You're really not worried.
Don't even tell me about tired.
You're so smart.
Let's go.


I don't know what that was all about. I jsut started writing excerpts of conversation. I've been talked at, down to, and through all week. I feel like I've been the victim of... people.

I think my greatest joy after finals is going to be... 1) drinking until I can't hear them talk anymore, and 2) after moving out, hiding for a month or so and doing nothing in which I have to face anyone. I'm going to go riding, heang with people that know me enough to know when to shut up, and... run. That's it. Work when I have to, and... we're going to do nothing. It's gonna be frieking fantastic.

Alright. I think I've said enough... LoL

It's time to go to bed, because this girl is getting cranky-tired. Not GOOD.

Okay, so you know those things that are just so incredibly horrible and yet awesome? This is one of them.

Free Candy!

I think I made a mistake, but I'm hoping it'll work out. I guess we'll find out, huh? And if not, then we know better for the future. But seriously, I'm sure it'll be juuuuust fine.

On that note, I really need to work on the whole self-confidence issue. As in, I have none. NONE!! LoL It was so bad in the pizza place tonight that I had high-schoolers picking on me!! I jsut collapsed because this guy was being an ass to me. Collapsed. Even Dave saw my face and how utterly panicked and ashamed I was, that he laid off and just tried to make me laugh on the way home. Thinking back, I want to cry. Why'd I let it happen? Why'd I just... lose it? It's been happening lately. I get into any new situation and lose any and all self-confidence. It's ridiculous! And then after, I think back and wonder, "How the HELL did that get away from me so quickly?" I should've turned to that girl and eyed her up and down in that cold, "I'm better than you'll ever be, bitch," way I can pretend and been like, "Did I ask for your input? No? Thought so. Stuff it, half-pint."
Much more nicely, of course. because I could never be mean like that. Hell, I might actually have to be witty, and we all know that doesn't happen. Jesus.

Or maybe, I shouldn't have wilted so visibly, giving them such an excuse to beat on me.

Oy. Just oy.

After reading that special book, I've decided that I don't want to be that person. You know, that person who gets beat up in whatever way, then defends the person because they're too afraid they can't do it on their own.

I've decided that I'm going to try something new. It's gonna be my goal- Do it because -I- want to do it, not because someone else wants me to.

Also- don't crumple. Don't wilt. Stand up and face it. I -can- do it, I -can-. I jsut have to believe it and not give up because... "Oh no. What if I can't?"

Alright, I'm done. By the way. I have decided that my camera shall be carried on me at all time, because cool shit happens all the time and I never have a chance to photograph it. Because I never have my camera!

Dude, exams suck. This is final. It is approximately 2 am and I am sitting up, watching Aliens 3, exhausted but refusing to sleep.

I jsut came back from the beach, the Rocks, and The Witch's Altar. hahah Cool places, all of them.

I think i may conk out on the couch... As in... g'night! hehe

Alright, just another rant and example of how PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID!!!!
Moussaoui fucking got put into a damned prison. Life without parole. What stupid idiots.

Minutes later, however, after the judge and jury had left, Mr. Moussaoui thrust his fists in the air and shouted: "America, you lost, you lost! Novak, I won!"

You fucking retards. Fucking idiots. He helped kill thousands. You believe he had a part in it, yet you let him live. You know why Hamurabi's town had so little crime? Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Life for a life.

God, this makes me want to go live under a rock, because seriously... If the world, exampled by a jury of 12 people, allows this man to live after he killed thousands of their fellow citizens... What the hell is wrong with this picture?

I have to wonder why, and one thing comes to mind: They've forgotten. They've forgotten the shock in watching the twin towers fall, in hearing the utter amazement and disbelief in reporters voices.

The same jury ruled unanimously last month in the first phase of the trial that Mr. Moussaoui bore responsibility for the consequences of the Sept. 11 attacks, in essence saying his silence made him guilty.

What the HELL!?!

Oooh... I love horseback riding. It is my favorite thing ever- and I love bareback riding, too. LoL

I figured it out. I figured it out earlier this year, but I've figured it out again, and so here it goes: Don't ask me to do things. And this can be anything from kissing to dishwasher-emptying. If I do it on my own, then that's fine, but don't frieking ask me. I can do it well enough by myself, no questions asked- I don't need you to remind, I'll get to it.

And the rest goes in the SB for saf(er) keeping.

I don't think I have ever properly expressed my absolutely adoration and LOVE for chicken pie. It is not normal. I would MARRY chicken pie if I could. Less disease, always filling? hahahahah Sooo wrong, right there!!

Silent Screaming. Have you ever thought about it? I mean, do you know what it is? I' sure you do. It encompasses everything, everyone. On a personal level, it's when things go wrong and we stew, or brush it off, or quietly head to our rooms and cry so that no one can hear or see. There are many different levels, but because I'm feeling narcissistic, I'm sticking with that one. Get me on the global someday, will ya? (PS. Can we say dyslexic? Blogal. That was #2, I got it right on #3).

It's been a day that went from bad to worse. I woke up at 11:43 and realized that I was supposed to meet my mom in Warwick at 9:30 - ya know, 2 hours earlier. So then I drove home, which was precisely what I'd been avoiding and made the 9:30 arrangement for, and did what I had to do.

In short, it's jsut gone from bad to worse. And it's nothing real huge. Well.. .there's 2 HUGE things, but what can you do about real huge things except deal with them? It's always the smaller, just plain annoying little things that -really- tick you off when you're stressed about the HUGE things. Like the garbage overflowing when all I want to do is stick two jelly sandwiches in. Then getting my hands all full of spaghetti sauce (and we all should know how fussy I am about my hands... Icky-sticky-picky?? BAD!!!)that's prolly at least a couple days old when I try to push down hte garbage to close the bag. Or.... I oculd go on, but you get the gist.

Boys still suck, meaning that why are you all such tools? What do you CARE?! WHY do you care? If I'm a psycho, then so be it. But if I'm not, then why are you listening to idiots and assholes who say I am?? And if I've been a psycho, it's only because I've been reacting to psychotic/hateful behavior inflicted upon me. I really just don't get it. I guess maybe because I've always tried to form my own opinion- I ask for advice, I listen, I ponder, but I generally try to do it how I think is best. But if I experience one thing and hear another, I'm going to go with experience, because... maybe who I'm hearing it from is biased, or on that particular day the person was in a bad mood, or.. Whatever. Just make up your own mind, will ya? I think this is going to go down as a criteria for "stupidity" in my opinion.

In short,

I blame it on the rain.

I have decided that... I should just... stop trying to find things to do, because then I overbook. hahah

Oy. Just oy. hahah

I am sick. Or, more likely, I should be sick. Sick of life. Sick of school. Sick of being a psycho. Sick of boys. Sick of girls. Sick of studying. Hah. What studying?? I haven't studied in weeks, because I cannot seem to sit down and just do it. Sorry, Matt. I'm going to fail because quite simply, I am not as motivated as you, and yes, perhaps I should drop out of college because I am NOT one of the few who puts their all into it. Fuck you, I can do this, I have done it, I just need to get this shit done for 2 more weeks, then I'm free.

Back to the topic on hand. Sick of work. Sick of cells. Sick of carbon, oxygen, and sugars. I am DEATHLY sick of teachers who don't speak English or trick you on exams. I am sick of dying aloe plants. I am sick of being shut down at every turn, no matter how menial the question is. I'm sick of worrying about my GPA. I'm sick of praying that I get a good grade in all my classes. I'm sick of Josh. I'm definitely sick of drama- so sick, I may BE sick.

On the other hand, my rooms smells quite nice whenever I walk in, due to the Easter Lily in the corner. I love my mommy. I do NOT love my mommy when she tells me everyone is more intelligent than me, including my drug-addict brother, my good friend, and the world at large. Definitely not. I love Easter dinner, I hate leaving the table t ogo cry inhte bathroom DURING Easter dinner. I loooooove picking up my g-rents at the airport. I love hanging out with people who make me laugh. I LOVE that my spider plant is doing so well and these crazy-colored flowers on my desk are still crazy-colored. I love the people who love me for all my ups AND downs, who know when to just... smack me back and tell me I'm being a bitch instead of holding it down and erupting. I just wish I had more softball games- it was so much fun! I forgot how much I love running as hard and fast as I can. Running bases is fucking awesome! And I'm damned fast! haha

I'm really tired... And the two main things on my mind, in general, are: School and Boys. I'm just going to have to ignore one to focus on the other, but... I'm really worried that by doing so, I'm going to lose people who I really really liked to hang with at one point, because I can be a HUGE jerk. Maybe this should go under the statement aforementioned about those who love me for my ups and downs. Mebbe?

I do NOT want to do Organic Chem, and I'm pretty sure that no matter how incredible Joia Mukherjee was tonight, not much of it sank in because I am so utterly stressed, exhausted, and ready to cry at any point due to the above two topics lodged firmly in the front of my every waking (and dreaming) thought.

I thought, at one point, that perhaps Anti-retrovirals should not be given, because it prolongs the life of an HIV carrier, which would then mean that they can spread it to uninfected people. But after seeing the film tonight, the difference that it makes, turning scarecrows into someone you would see as normal, has vastly altered my perspectiv, forcing me to rethink my position on this matter. A picture says a thousand words, and in this case, I believe that is true. See the number of HIV-born children versus Non-HIV-born children, was... Holy Shit incredible. The number of children born WITH HIV greatly, by about 3x, outnumbers the children born without, in many parts of Africa and the Middle East. If they'd had retrovirals, it would not be the case. There is so much life lost...

"The poor are invisible, just like the children." Kids being taken out of their schools by other armed children, forced to join a war in which they have no part, other than to terrorize and force adults to choose between shooting or not shooting a child? Possibly their own or one they knew in a past life?? How are we not incensed by this? How are we not driven to action by the sheer numbers of people with HIV, who could lead healthier, productive lives with the use of a drug that would cost $150 dollars per year. How many poeple in the US could donate $150 per year? How many?! Geezus fucking christ, what is wrong with us??

Lee, you are insane, I've come to this conclusion. LoL But only in the best possible way. heheh

My birthday was good. I mean, I got a 90 on my Orgo exam, what could make it better, right? UnFORTUNATELY, I absolutely have to study this weekend, like... Hardcore. LoL

I missed Beer-B-Que but honestly... I'm not sure I'm sad. Seriously, I have had enough of boys and people I am not sure I like, to last me a while. I've still got the sick aftertaste whenever anyone mentions the party. Not a good scene, don't wanna talk about it, got the picture?

My Easter Lily is blooming, I'm still tripping over my spider plant because certain people refuse to let me borrow their drill or come drill, get this, 1 hole in my ceiling. A single, stupid, damned hole, through plaster and possibly sheetrock. Seriously now... I don't get it, will someone explain to me the difficulty of this task? Whatever!!

Campfire, in the Bvillain hometown, 9ish tomorrow night. No booze. Smores, only, and lots of laughs. hehe See ya there!

I got my car back today... I absolutely love the pasta, it's wonderful. But I'm just not sure that it's worth the feeling of being able to see over everyone's head in traffic, or the kick-ass sound system even when I play my Zen. Just not sure about that.

My mom bought me this gorgeous easter lily, which, though I love it, unfortunately takes up a LOT of room in my room. And now I have no room for anything else, because my spider plant is using it. So... I moved my little plant holder bookcase but now my spider is in hte middle of the floor because it doesn't fit in it's spot, because the bookcase is there.

And now, because I somehow ended up in some kind of "Fuck off!" fight with Josh, I feel like asking someone to borrow a drill for literally, a 30-second job, is utterly too much to ask. *Blink*

On the upside, Andrew gave me my first birthday gift today! It's a t-shirt from one of his friend's bands, that I really really liked. So I'm all excited! Thank you darling!! You are the absolute best! When is your birthday, because I will definitely be like... WHOA! on it! heheh

hehe This week is going to be good. Damned good, I hope. I have Coffee and Gossip tomorrow, then Catch. And my BIRTHDAY!!! (I even have the birthday crown... *le gasp!*)To say the absolute LEAST! YAYA!!

Then on Thursday, I'm playing in my first intramural league softball game (OMG.. .I'm going to suck like whoa!) and I think me and Carly and Beth are going dancing that night! Sweeeeeeet! Then Friday I head home to kick back, relax, watch the Scream Family scream and... make a campfire and play video games with my best bro, best friend, and favorite brat. hehe It's gonna be great.

I'm tired. This is making me less happy than usual. I hate being tired. Lol I think tomorrow might be skirt weather... How exciting!! hehe Except for the fact that I'm playing catch... That calls for jeans.
Hmm...

I'm really proud of Botswana and their AIDS program. The fact that the government stepped in and mandated AIDS testing to reduce the stigma and make sure the individuals got treatment is astounding, not to mention incredibly awesome. It's really hard to think of the potential implications of a country that literally gets thrown off the map because a disease wipes out 40+% of their population. It is mind-boggling to think of the people out there who spend their lives battling and combating these diseases just because they want to help people. Not for money, fame, or power, but just because they empahtize with, and care about, the affected people. Amazing. I think that every one of them should get some kind of honorary Mother Theresa award, because they are the minority and maybe the greatest example of human selflessness out there at the moment- though I'm sure that there could be greater, I am simply ignorant of their existence. I just... wanted to get that out there.

Wouldn't it be incredible to go someplace that desperately needs you, put your life on the line, and save lives? I guess that's the textbook definition of a soldier, really... though they have to take lives, they are taking them to save others. I wish we could skip step one and go straight to two.

Medicine and war. So different and yet... so much alike. Yin and Yang?

Ever thought of how interesting it would be if someone followed you around for a day, without you knowing it, just with one huge videotape of a day in your life? I think it would be... interesting. Maybe not every second, maybe not watching you fall asleep in Physics, or watch TV or read your book, but during the moments of the day that -made- your day, to watch the expression on yours and the other person's face, hear what made you both laugh or smile or cry, and just... be able to look back and think, "Damn, that was me. That was us. And I used to love/hate/hide this or that." Wouldn't that be fascinating? Look back a few years later and just watch yourself and all the interactions you had in a day? I guess this is Truman Show to the extreme I'm talking about. But how just... utterly normally interesting.

It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.


More Blue October lyrics. I really really like their music, though some of the lyrics are very disturbing. Not violent, really, just very emotionally stirring and the imagery is amazing.

I'm tired. LoL I'm gonna go to sleep. I'm just so drained right now... Like all the instability I've been has wracked my brain, body, soul to the point of exhaustion, 24-7.

Thank you for not yelling at me. Thank you.

I look back at Friday and just... shake my head and wonder, "What the hell happened?" I was just... miserable. Ridiculously, hopelessly, miserable. And that's all there is to say. Absolutely miserable. LoL

Andrew, you are... amazing. There is just no other word for it. You're like... -too- good. Like Panda. I'm almost suspicious about what's hiding behind door number 2, because door number 1 is just.too.good.

It was so nice to go home and just... be miserable, if I wanted to be. My mom looked at me and told me to quit being such a baby- Go take a damned nap, will ya?! So I did, woke up, and hung with the fam, and it was nice to see my little bro. Who, let me tell you, is not so little anymore! He's got to be at least 6', 6'1", and when his friends caught up to him and mom and I in CVS, I felt like a munchkin Dorothy dragged back to Kansas. Just waaaaayy too small for present company. LoL Shortest one there! And that's saying something at 5'7". LoL

I took an hour and a half to get back to the house yesterday, then spent another hour and a half at URI studying with Carolyn. Got back to the house, went into apologize to Kate for not helping to clean up, and... 30 seconds later, stomped out, both of us screaming, doors slamming, and Matt and Kevin looking at each other like... Yep, Abby's home. Yippee cayay Motherflusher.

But we're good now, and trying to work out some communication. I didn't get yelled at like I thought I was going to, from the other person I -really- was quite mean to, but there's some conversations that are going to have to be acted upon. And by that, I mean... I'm going to have to grow some willpower, because by damned, I will not be a ragdoll.

I didn't realize it until a few hours after I got here yesterday. I am miserable. Not just unhappy, but frieking MISERABLE! I'm laughing because right now, right at this moment, I am good. I am fine, just chilling in my house, hanging with my family and just.. being free to be however I want to be, without worrying about putting on a show, and when I will be unable to put it on any longer.

I'm pushy. Very pushy. But only when I'm not getting my way... At least I recognize and understand this... I remember someone laughed at me, maybe it was me!, when I said that. It doesnt matter if you recognize or understand something if you don't take action about it after that. haha

And I don't understand boy stupidity, so therefore I cannot use it to my advantage. lmao This is the definition of boy-stupid, I've decided. And that, my frineds, is exactly what I am. Boy-stupid.

Actually... I really don't wanna be a manipulative girl. I just wanna... get my way. Sometimes. Shut me down all the time, and pretty soon I'm going to get pushy about everything. *narrows eyes* Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I know I am. but he doesn't get it if you play it cold! WTF! I can't WIN!

Yeah yeah, it's not about winning. Fuck that shit. everything's about winning. Whether you're triyng for good grades, scaring girls away, running a track meet, or trying to get your way, it's all about fucking winning. That's what life is. Fuck love, who needs it? It's jsut lust in disguise.

Man... I've become the cold, cynical bitch, haven't I? Am i proud? Mmm.. .All I see is this massive vicious circle that comes back to bite me in the ass. Inevitably. But I think that's the nature of life itself. Damned life. Lol

Isn't this tone so different from the optimistic little vixen who started this ridiculous thing what? 4 years ago? OMG... 4 years this September. Weird. Very weird. But then again, I hadn't quite been as world-worn as I am now, as non-trusting and yet trusting too easily, yet. What a naive little sucker I am, was, always will be.

I'm not doing homework. I -really- should be. And I know it. I just... don't want to. I'd rather play with bleach in toilet bowls than do homework. Sick, huh?

I'm not really this cynical. I just... I hate it when people point out my faults to me, and I know they're telling the truth. It really bugs me. I think it would bug anyone, but it -really- bugs me. It's not like I think I don't have faults, it's just... I really hate it when people shove them in my face- it's like shoving my face in the mess I made.

And ultimatums- what is that?? Fuck you! I think I know where this is going. Nowhere good. And you know what? Damn. LoL

I'll keep calling to see.
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming?
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?

I only want you to see,
my favorite part of me.
And not my ugly side.
Not my ugly side.

Blue October.

I think this may be my new band. I wish you were around so I could show you my find. *Grins* But I think you're done. Once and for all? Forever? I hope not. I check in every once in a while, hoping to find you there under some name I don't recognize, that you'll IM me and shush me, laugh as I say and do ridiculous things. I kinda miss ya, not going to lie.

My brother has been gone for more than 6 weeks. I haven't seen one of my pals for 6 WEEKS. How does that happen? I miss him. I think my parents are simultaneously glad and really really unhappy that he's been gone this long. Glad because they know he's learning how to deal with things when they don't go exactly the way he wants, but really unhappy because he hasn't been home. That song, Hate Me, by Blue October, is... I really like it. I didn't really understand why, until I heard the very beginning of it- the part that the radio cuts off, and I realized that it's about an addict's mom. And I realized that this is the attitude we all carry around. Every one of us.

I jsut keep downloading songs by them, realizing that I haven't hit one yet that I didn't love. Maybe Closer whatever, but... 1 out of 5? Not bad. LoL Considering that I've never heard of this band.

I get the idea that he was trying to impress me. Or just... get a reaction from me. And this occured to me when he said he did it because he was bored. And I think that's pathetic. I was concerned at first, but then I realized that... it's dumb. It's retarded. Alright, you have a problem, but what are you doing to solve it? You are an ass. A sorry ass. Though I have to admit, joking around was kind of nice the other day. A glad change of pace from the quiet hostility and tension.

April Fool's Was good. I haven't updated in a while, so here goes: I put crickets in cookies- they turned out horrible. I have never hated baking so much as I hated that, because the cookies ven -smelled- bad. But I think that's because I went overboard with the crickets. 5 or 6 prolly woulda been better. haha Instead of... 50. 49 withthe one that turned up in my rice crispy treat... lmao

But I did paint Josh's car- WITH HIM SUPERVISING!!! I think that was an April Fools' joke on me, hahah And Matt. Lmao "You're still alive??" "Yeah, he helped!" "*Gape, swivels from josh to me* And she's still ALIVE??" lmao hilarious, haha

Party this Friday!! Then only 5 more days until I'm 20! Eep! I'm not old enough to be 20! In time, maybe, but mind? Oh no... Oh no. Oy... I should go study for Orgo. But I'm prolly not going to. LoL Fuck it. I enjoy writing, and I haven't in a while.

My car is dying again. And I don't have time to put it in the garage before Thrusday, when, AMAZINGLY!!, it is going in the shop. But in between, I have to drive to Prov, then up to BVille, Oy. I hope I'm not stranded on the highway at 10 Pm, Lmao That would suck. haha

Andrew slept over last night because he was threatening toget drunk at 3 pm, and I decided to curtail that idea with brownie sundaes and good company. haha Though the night ended up pretty lame, with me studying and then us watching TV, haha

I have to fart. There we go... LoL

I need to get a cooler for Friday. So we can put all the stuff in it. Hmm... I need to remember that on Thursday- NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! But we'll try like hell.

Things are better now. My grades are picking up. Depression really plays a huge part in how well I do in school. Because it really plays a huge part in how much energy i have, and therfore how much I study. Matt's ideas on keeping up with readings helped, too. Though I'm falling behind again, thank you Orgo. This weekend will be a study weekend, LoL Yay BioChem. Haha... Not...

Boys make me sick. Physically ill. LoL I don't know why I let shit get to me the way that it does. It's RIDICULOUS! LoL

I looked like such a health freak walking through the supermarket today. I had 4 items: Granola, cottage cheese, broccoli, and low-fat milk. haha And the weird thing is? I'm not. I just absolutely LOVE granola in cottage cheese, can't live without milk, and I won't have time to get broccoli for dinner tomorrow. But these two cute guys went by, checked out my armload, and smirked to each other. I pulled my shoulders back, smiled sweetly, and kept walking. I'll bet you didn't know I made brownie sundaes last ngiht and enjoyed every bite of it. haha I love being multi-dimensional. I love tricking people, I love making up conversations in my head and being silly like that.

I got a 96 in BUGS! Sweeeet! hehe

My aloe plant is looking well, as is my varigated (sp?) spider plant... Besides the fact that I have to take off one more leaf so it will look better. I love my plants. And music. Music, plants, and brainfood. I love them all. Oh, and regular food. I htink those 4 things, plus horses. Those 5 things could give me a good life. haha

Note to self:
http://musclemustangfastfords.com/hotnews/mmfp_0603_massachusetts_exhaust_bill/

check out.

When you get told that someone is putting their foot down because their friends tell them they have to, On you, it's kinda annoying.

I think this whole week has been on the scale of annoying to... downright depressing.

I never back down. I NEVER run from a fight. I hate hate hate hate hate letting others get the best of me.

So why am I starting now? Because I am the only one who can possibly get hurt from this. Even if I win, I lose. So... why -would- I start? Mmm.. Because I want to hang with people I like? Because it's a person's I like's birthday?? Because I was invited and would like to go??

I'm just... i don't know. Disgusted with myself for letting people get the best of me, disgusted with people for hating without any reason, pissed because I gave someone a reason, and angry because there's nothing I can do.

I have decided that that is the most random post in a while. Jenny, thanks for your comments this afternoon, they were most humorous and... appreciated. *Grins* I love you, girly, don't ever doubt it. haha

I can't wait til summer. I just can't. For multiple reasons, but one being... heat. I am so sick of the cold. I don't want like... 90 and humid, but 80 wth a breeze would be good... even 70 with a little breeze would be great. I jsut want to walk around without a wool coat or down vest on. Though I must admit, I am in serious LUST with my down vest. NEED it. haha

I have been reading textbooks for a soild 3 hours.
I figure I'll start again after I'm done writing this, procrastinating, you know, the usual. I'll stop when i get tired, head to sleep, and be up early to study with Jennay tomorrow! Wheee for waffles!!! haha

I hate nighttime. It's like... depression city.

It's times like this when I kinda miss having a boy. For some reason they can always make you feel better. Mmm... Funny how that works.
But don't get me wrong, it is nice being single.

I don't know why you're annoyed with me. I don't know why you're so distant. I mena, what could I have done? I'm sorry he's gone. I really am. I'm sorry I can't hang out with you two, make the perfect double-date. Whatever. But can you please stop being so oppositional to me and everyhting I am? It hurts, hun. And I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me, but it is. Everyhting is finally coming back together and you're just... not. What is wrong? What can i do? Anything?

God, I swaer I almost fell into D-cubed tonight.

Everything's good, really. I have nothing to complain about. Well, maybe a little, but not really worth even typing out. LoL

There's 6 dollars on my desk. I think I may pick it up and use it for coffee tomorrow morning. Sound good? How can you never eat leftovers? I don't understand.

Rules. There are no rules. Only guidelines. Don't ever expect me to play by the rules... -Hope- I play by the rules. Though I tend to get predictable so that you think you know what I'll say and do. Blah. I'm tired.

I made faces out of Kate's number and symbol cutouts, and taped them to my walls. They're REALLY silly. haha I love them.

PS. Where are you both? Come back!!! LoL

Habits are hard to break. I've come to this conclusion. they jsut are. I feel so... shallow. It appears that I have nothing good to say until something drastic happens, in which case I get all mopey and blah and haqve PLENTY to say... All about the same thing. Me.

Narcissism at extremes, right? LoL

I've decided that I want a phone number. You can't run around doing stupid things if I can't even have a phone number. I mean, waht happens if you DIE, for crying out loud? How would I ever know? No one would know to come on and TELL me! So... this is my decision. Give me a number, or I refuse to... yeah, that's a line of crap if I've ever smelled it. I won't NOT ever speak to you again. I mean, I've been cool with you since I was what, 14? 15? LoL Dude, that's probably one of my longest running friendships so far. Seriously. How can I jsut throw that away, even if you are one of the most... I don't know. Ridiculously amusing people I've ever met. And honestly, I care for you, man. I refuse to get all weepy on here, but if something happened to you and WE (you know who the other is) were left in the dark for days, months, years on end, I might be inclined to beat the SHIT out of you when we finally met up in heaven. Got it? Good.

And trust me, we are going to Heaven. I have not paid all those bribes to slide my way straight to Hell, anyway! LoL

Oooh la la! Miss Breeze is not quite the pretty pretty pony she appears to be. I had a couple tricks pulled on me today- nothing to the extent that the Psycho Queen (A nickname I made up, may I jsut remind you, you delusional idiot.) would try... As in, there was nooooo galloping straight towards and tree and stopping dead, trying to propel said rider (ME!) headfirst into said tree. No stomping, whirluing, bucking, rearing fits because I wouldn't let her run full gallop down a road known for its DUMPTRUCKS and HOLES!!! LoL And no leaping, all four feet in the air, sideways down the side of an enclosed area.

I'm jsut having waaay too much fun reliving my glory days. I',m sorry... I'll quit reminiscing and stay on track. Breeze was... interesting. Obedient to the point where you want to puke, but then... there's a trick! And it's like, Hmm... I suppose I could pay attention to you for a couple more minute because... you're kinda interesting again... haha

It was not worth coming down tonight, for reasons said and unsaid, though those unsaid need not be spoken, and therefore shall lay hidden in the journal that remains unseen. Mwuahah ... have I got you confused yet? LoL

Beyond that... I am not done with homework. Not even close, actually... I kinda... forgot. LoL Oops? hehe

Awww... Pat the Black Arab is... wonderful! LoL I think he's going to be my new boy, haha He's soooo good. I don't know why they called him a brat- he's so frieking SMART! Very sure-footed, picks his own way down the trail, never misses a beat- occasionally breaks into a trot when you least expect it (AKA, going downhill amidst slippery shale, through a foot-deep puddle so you're SPRAYED, etc. etc.), but what do you expect- perfect??

Had a rgeat time, spent a few hours getting hit in the face by trees, but overall a pleasant time.

Makes me miss Dan, but... What kind of person actually LIKES to ride a holy terror?? Lmao *jumps up and down, waving hand* ME!!1 Me!!! ME!!!

Awww... Pat the Black Arab is... wonderful! LoL I think he's going to be my new boy, haha He's soooo good. I don't know why they called him a brat- he's so frieking SMART! Very sure-footed, picks his own way down the trail, never misses a beat- occasionally breaks into a trot when you least expect it (AKA, going downhill amidst slippery shale, through a foot-deep puddle so you're SPRAYED, etc. etc.), but what do you expect- perfect??

Had a rgeat time, spent a few hours getting hit in the face by trees, but overall a pleasant time.

Makes me miss Dan, but... What kind of person actually LIKES to ride a holy terror?? Lmao *jumps up and down, waving hand* ME!!1 Me!!! ME!!!

Sometimes, I wonder if you're delusional. Or maybe just... I don't know, an asshole. But I've come to the conclusion that you're uninformed and careless.

So, here's all I'm going to say. I'm over it. You're happy, I'm happy, we're both happy with our situations. Just quit -causing- drama, in making OUR friends decide between us, and everything will be cool. I promise I won't bite, claw, maim, or in other words be the cause of harm to Miss Alli(sp?), unless provoked- by either of you.

I went RIDING!!! it was sooooo much fun! I got to ride this rpetty little mare named Breeze, who just... bobbled along the trails happy as a clam, and I can't wait to explore. haha Today I'm heading down in about... 20 minutes to hop on Pat, the black devil. I'm sure we're going to have LOTS of fun.

the best news, though totally irrelevant, is that he's building extra stalls and... *Blink, sideways look, Blink* Maybe I can bring a pony. Now, Crystal, if you're reading this, are you thinking what I'm thinking? After the terror subsides, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about... Mwuahaha!!

Andrew!! I'm so excited about your new guitar!! I can't wait to hear it, I hope you're bringing it back down to the dorms, and if not, then I may have to find my way back through Portsmouth to hear you play it! haha Wouldn't that be hilarious? Lol I'm sure I could make it, though... Just may take me a qhile

Last night was... interesting. Me and Linds got blown off by a couple of idiots, sorry Linds... And ended up down in Narragansett, stopping first at my place to chill with Dave, Kev, another Dave, Kris P, Em, and Kate. It was funny just chilling with them as they played Monopoly. I think kate's still wary around me, but I honestly can't blame her. She's seen my temper and knows my fickle moods better than most anyone. I jsut don't think she realizes I've hit my plateau. I'm good. truly. The dave kid was cuteish, I wish I could've seen how tall he was- I'm figuring not tall enough, but.. Meh, it could happen, right?

Then we headed to Josh's, where I found myself called, "Budnick! Get up here!!" and gaped at and laughed about in surprise when I showed up instead, haha There, we hung with Josh, James, Beth, and Biggs, who were all jsut chilling out watching TV, waiting for Matt to show up to escort them to a party. haha Which, by the way, I was not allowed to go to. Permission DENIED. LoL though I will note for posterity that it was fine by me. I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't been prepared to hear a negative answer. (Expecting it, more likely. haha)

I wish Linds had had more fun, but she was just not feeling right, so... who really wants to be fun and cool when you're jsut not feeling like yourself? I know I would rather just... stay home and sleep, probably. LoL

You guys are so cute, I don't know how to thank you enough. Beth, it was so good to see you- lunch date, you, me, food! YEAH!!! James, you are the Bomb! LoL And Biggs, waht more can I say? You ARE the big spoon. hahah

Dude, just don't ask them to choose. I'm cool. And if there comes a time when I'm not, I know where the door is. But asking our friends to choose between us? Definitely not cool. Chill out, will ya?

Alright, I'm off to the BARRRRRRRN! Gonna get my ass kicked by a pretty-prancing ponnnnnyyy!! SWEET! haha MUAH to you all. haha

Okay, I'll admit it. I am the biggest wuss ever. Not only am I petrified of doctors, dentists, psychiatrists, couselors, and acupuncturists, I fear sad endings.

Earlier today, I was heading to a new dentist (after making my mom take the day off so she could come with me), and though the conversation started jokingly, I sooon found myself bawling through forced laughter at the thought of having my wisdom teeth pulled. Mind you, we weren't even halfway -there- yet. LoL

By the time we got the dentist, I was at least not crying any longer, though my face was still kinda blotchy from the initial tear-attack.

She was very nice. Not once did she rip apart my gums like the old hygeinists, or take out my tongue with whatever instrument of torture seemed right for that moment. No... It was quite fine. That is, until she came about to the second appointment I needed to have- wisdom teeth removal.

Yeah, you guessed it. I sobbed again. I mean, have you ever had a cavity drilled before the anesthetic kicked in? I have. It's not fun, and I've had a deep-seated fear of anything dentist and needleish since.

At the very thought, I'm crying again. I hate dentists, I scoot over and off tables when the doctor comes at me with shots (My dad has to come with me on those days- to hold me on the table), I BAWLED when they thought I'd never ride again, I screamd when this crazy acupuncturist lady stabbed me, and... I'm coming to the conclusion that I'd rather die of gingivitis than ever deal with my wisdom teeth or anyting of the sort.

On a brither note, if you could call it brigher, I read Marley and Me tonight- finished it, really. It's a great book. Incredible. My dad thought I was insane, I laughed so much through the first half. I thought my ribs were going to bust apart during the first half. Then, as the book went on, I began to fear the unhappy ending that becomes of all life.

Sure enough, 40-something pages later, I was crying. Quietly. Like I usually do. No loud sobs, no deep breaths, just blue eyes shiny with tears getting ready to flow swiftly and silently down pale, red-blotched cheeks. Marley the Dog had died.

I'm sorry if I ruined the ending, but like I said, every life comes to an end... Expect it.

Well, well. If this doesn't appear to be the time for swift kicks in the ass, I'm not sure what else it could be. Hmm... I had written that this one was less cruel and more helpful, but I took it back. Nope. It was cruel and cold and... exactly what I needed. I found myself agreeing to it, and well, that was enough for me! I started in on doing my work right away! And, I'm happy to report, I'm happy doing it.

I am... tired. Unbearably so. And riled, unfortunately, a devastating combination. Oooh... The baseboardis warm on my toes... It feels so nice..

My hair is straightened. It looks pretty. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to look pretty... Probably not. I'm shallow but not vain. A walking contradiction, I think. Carolyn says she doesn't get it. I expect pretty boys- which I get!- but I refuse to put any effort into my own appearance... Or, rather, I look like I jsut don't care... Which I rarely do. Jeans, hoody, hair up/down/combed/ratty. Whatever. On those rare days when I doll up, the difference is just that much better. Maybe tomorrow will be a doll-up day. Probably not, it's Friday.

Drugs really bother me. -Really-. And I know you... I want to help. It's my rescuer complex. BUt I can't, and I know it. I can't do -anything-, except support you and show you that it's not the only way. Funny how you're the one who ends up giving me a boost most of the time... *Smirks* Maybe we're both so fucked up, we jsut don't realize how much we like to hang with people of the same ilk- makes us feel better about ourselves.

God, it's late... Don't ever let me write when it's lat.e..

An update? I've decided that I have no time for fun anymore. (hah... WE all know I'm dead lying, because I can always find time to slack off... Like right now!!) But seriously. This Physics exam coming up? I spent almost all night last night with Andrew, and yeah... It's going to be so bad, I can't find myself doing anything but laughing and working on BioChem. hahah I swear, if I don't bring up my grade from that lazt exam, I'm going to kick myself. Seriously, since when have I EVER gotten below the average? NEVER!! And it will NEVER happen again. Mark my words. Which is why, soon as I'm done writing this, I'm packing up my shit and heading to school. LoL So I can take an exam, then head to hte library and study for a bit.

All I can say is, Thaknk God these chapters are short. There's a shitload of info, but at least the chapters are short. LoL

Mom and I made CD's this weekend. They're incredible. I made one on my own, and then Mom helped me make the second. I love them both. One has Carrie UNderwood on it, the othr has Travis, one has Dead Man's party, the other has I Loved er but I had to kill her! Lmao. It's fantastic.

I came home today to an empty house- a very surprising event, and... so had my own little Stereowars. It was fantastic. Between me and my plants, I had a grea time just... dancing and jiving and sing/screaming, and... being silly. hehe It was a great time.

What else?? Spring Break's coming up!! I hope, I hope I can find enough cash to head to Florida with Laura, Laura, and Danielle... That'd be INCREDIBLE! hehe YAY!

Boondocks is on a CD, too... hehe I love it.

LMAO Heather W. was in front of me in traffic getting out of the school today, and I waved, and she was all confused and flustered, so when i caught up to her later and pulled alongside, se burst out laughing and waving. I was like... Yeaaahhh!!! hehehe

Aww... Andrew's so cute. I was being so uncommonly catty to his last night. I don't know why. I think I was being really defensive and just... weird. I'm really unsure of why. And he was just like... Yeah, I've been mean to you, too... Don't worry about it. I felt horrible. I think I'll ring him CHicken pot pie tonight. OOOH!!! What a good idea!!! YESSS!!!

Right now, I'm listening to Carrie Underwood- same song my mom says SB gaped at me when I sang to earlier. I -love- her voice. It's so rich and full... And a range I LOVE.

I love it when I can sing as good as I used to be able to. My voice has been gone for a while, but when I belted it out tonight, I was just... Excited! I love being able to sing how I want, when I want. hehe

Baby, Just sing sing sing sing sing... Your love won't mean a thing unless you sing sing sing... Thanks, Tricks. I don't think I can tell you jsut how much. Maybe I'm jsut making too much out of it, but damn, boy... Thank you. *Grins*

I gotta make a CD with these songs on it. Just so I can BLAST it when I get back to my stereo. Iggy Pop, Oingo Boingo, Carrie, Travis, Dude... My roomies are going to HATE me. My NEIGHBORS are going to hate me. KC and the Sunshine Band, There're a few others... hehe

Have fun tonight, y'al... Be careful, m'kay??

And SB... Dude, we definitely need to do today more often. Though I spent quite a large sum of money, I had SOOOOOO much fun doing it, and I got such cool stuff!! I seriously cannot WAIT to wear my new fishnets!!! ACK!!! hahah Or go through my new borsey book... Ooh la la! Or put up my fishy HOOKS!! eep! there's just so much I want to do! including take a shower so I can try out all ym new lotion and shampoo and body wash stuff!! ACK! LoL

Ya know what? It feels good to have my feet back on level ground. Real good. I don't know what did it. I think R-Matt had a lot to do with it, pounding into my head that I've been behaving atrociously; I think he was the one who really brought me out of this really bad cycle I'd slipped into. Thanks. Though I will probably never speak to him except when absoltly necessary, I'll give him credit for being the catalyst.

And I really need to thank all my friends for their support and love.. You know who you are. Thank you roomies for dealing with my BS and just... not killing me. *Grins* I can't wait to figure out how I'm going to thank you... hehe

Well, the game is over and I lost. A lot. I'm almsot willign to say more than te other person involved. No... I did lose more than them. And it sucks. Neihter of us should have lost anything. *Rolls eyes* Ya know what? Fuck it.

BTW... I think people not involved, in ANY way, should back the hell off, and quit being gossip-mongers. As in.. Old fish-wives, standing around the well, gossiping with any- and every- one. The only person who's business it is, is cool. The rest of you? Go away. Get a life. Rot in hell. *Sweet smile* You know who you are, and I hope you know how, at this moment, serious I am. Mind your own damned business.

On a brighter note, I got a flat tire and ruined a rim yesterday, so... yeah. LoL Then got SHIT when I tried to ask Josh for an expert opinion, and... yeah. It just seems like this year is going to suck.

On hte brigh side, I did get an 84 on my Vector-bornes disease class, and... Got to have a great dinner with the parentals, not to mention seeing my kid bro and Miss Panda! Yay! hehe I hate it when I'm put into a position where I can't do anyhting but cry, and he knows me so fucking well, he just hands me a tissue and sits there telling to just... do it, LoL I swear, there are a few people in this life who know me so well, I cannot get away with anyhting. *shakes head* Know me toooo well, Lol

Alright... I'm out. Bedtime. Adios.

Okay... Had a -great- frieking time last night. There were a few rough spots, but overall, it was a hit! I think me and Mary were the only ones who went home alone, which was jsut fine with me! haha I can't even imagine how you go about doing that!! Ack!

Anyway... It was a great time. Drank before we got in the limo- a couple of us a bit too much, but.. whatever. Like usual, I was Mama Abby, making sure nothing got killed, no one gt hurt, etc. etc. I was tipsy (possibly even more than that, but due to awesome genes, I can still think and react pretty easily), but more sober, or at least acted more sober, than the rest of the crew... Minus Laura. Who was my buuuuuddy for the night. haha

My outfit was DARLING! White linen pants with a brown satinesque top, matching sandals... So cute! hehe We have tons of pictures, most of which came out horribly due to laura being unable to aim or correctly tell me when she's going to press the button... haha But it's all good- there were at least a few cute ones, so whenever she gets home today, I will definitely have to steal them!! YAYA!!!

Hmm... What else? Oh yes. I gave a boy my phone number (proof I was -entirely- right in the head), and he left me a cute message, but... No. LoL I'm not quite sure what to do if he calls... Probably just not answer. Maybe I'll ask Cat, see what he says, because... Cat's the man. haha

PS. Not a booty-call, more of a... "Dear-God-I'm-freezing-and-my-door-won't-close-pleaase-warm-me-up" beg. Instead... Chicken soup and a good car mag? Mmm... I think that may be my good deed of the day- and then possibly an equally ouch-ish one attached. But that's wavering on the fence. I need food. One sec... FOOD!!

Alright, I got my oatmeal. Can i jsut say how crazy my body/brain is? I mean... If I got to bed at 10, I'm up at 9. If I go to bed at 3:30, say, I get up at 7:30. haha How F'ed up is that?! Mm... I love oatmeal. It'll stop these crazy little shaky things I got going on. Geez... I can't even tell you how much alcohol I consumed last ngiht. I had a HUGE bowl of pasta before, though, because I knew I was going to. I know I had at -least- 4 shots of rum... I poured them myself, but then I got handed TONS of shit in the limo... So... I'd guess at least another couple of shots... Oy. Considering I'm three-shot shorty, I'm thinking that's prolly not good. BUt that pasta did some good... I handled it okay.

God, this oatmeal is sooo good.

My receiver is NOT fucked up. Can I jsut tell you how frieking excited I am about that? It's like... amazing. I can't wait to call my mommy and tell her. I'm sooo excited. I kissed it. haha That's how excited I was.

Alright...homework time.

The RI Flower and Garden Show today was Incredible!! hehe

I jsut blew up my stereo. Both components. All I can say is... At least it wasn't the speakers. Nope... I jsut took apart the DVD player... It's safe. Which means it's only the Receiver that took the hit... *Blink* If it is dead, guess who's not eating or buying or doing ANYTHING for the next month or so, because they have to afford to fix their receiver? ME!

My God, I'm so pissed. I'm so... disgusted with myself right now. I jsut want to cry. Then scream, then go to sleep. New plants just can't balance killed stereo. I'm sooo sad.

Okay, Matt... I'm so totally NOT pissed! You didn't lie at all. IHOP is fucking AMAZING!!! Yeah, misspelled that the first time... haha

Anyway, thanks bub... Maybe next I'll be making you a t-shirt. hahah I'll even put the good shit on it. haha

I'm walking out to the Flower and Garden show right now... I'm excited. I'm bringing some monies, so I can buy food and whatnot, because I'm STARVING!!! IHOP at 3 in the morning? Oh yes, please do. But... Need breakfast after that, too... hehe

Mmm... I have stale Peeps. I'm excited. They were open, but I decided that I didn't care and ate some of them anyway. I'm not dead, I don't feel weird, so I guess no one poisoned them... Or maybe I'm jsut to damned tough and PERSISTENT to die. haha Like a bad penny- takes more than POISON to get rid of me!! LoL

Anyyyyyyway... Love you lots, Can't wait til tonight, and... I need comfy shoes. FUCK!

This weekend is going to be amazing. I've decided it. haha I'm going to sleep until IHOP tonight, then it's off to the Flower and Garden Show tomorrow with my rents, then more sleep, maybe some homework, then off to Miss Kristy's for her incredible birthday party!!! Yeaaaaahhh! Then Sunday will be a homework day. Alright. So... tonight and tomorrow ill be incredible. After that, maybe not so awesome. But whatever, right? gotta choose your moments, haha

I have to tell you, this new show, "Black White" really creeps me out. Trading Spouses was bad enough, but changing races?? Maybe we should leave that for sci-fi and Michael Jackson. I don't know... I honestly don't understand what the point of all these new reality shows... And this one really really frieks me out. Can't you just... deal with who you are and the situation you've ended up in through that? I just don't know what's going on with stuff like that, anymore.

Okay... I got a huge discussion with Matt last night, and... Well, I'm not sure whether I want to thank him, or hurt him. Maybe a bit of both. Thank him for saying something that needed to be said, hurt him because a lot of this wouldn't have happened if a few key moments had perhaps gone differently- or at all, for that matter. But, whatever. I've got it now.

And I jsut want to make it very clear... I have obviously been acting crazy lately. Not my good, jump up and down and yell like an 8-year-old, crazy, but... bitchy, vicious, cruel, crazy. To a lot of people. And... I'm sorry. I've been so torn up inside, I haven't been able to see beyond my pain to how much I was hurting them. And I obviously needed a good slap to snap out of it. I'd like to think I'm snapped now.

I received a great lecture on how No means No... Which might have been appropriate a month and a half ago, but has no bearing on anything right now.

My conclusion? I understand how people get thrown in jail for crimes they didn't commit, all because circumstantial evidence added up. Mmm.. It's a great thing. I'm beginning to appreciate lawyers more... Or at least people who ask you straight up before telling everyone some misconstrued fucking story.

Angry? A little. I'm being pariahed for something I didn't do. You're ridiculous, if you think I would -ever- do that. Damned ridiculous. And you who believe it? Geez... I'm not sure whether I'm more angry or disgusted. You're more retarded than the person telling the story. *rolls eyes* Stupid people really annoy me.

I... am sick. I have to be. My stomache is killing me, though I attribute that to other reasons at the moment, but even thinking of drinking or eating is making it even worse. I'm just... icky.

My mommy gave me chicken soup today... I may try to put some of that down, since nothing else is working, in the least.

What the hell is with Polly Pocket these days?? SHE'S NOT POCKET-SIZE!! AHHH!!! What -is- that?!

Sorry... One of my random rants these days. LoL This is what you get for watching TV more than once a year. I think it's time to go back to books. Which reminds me, I'm rally enjoying reading Petrarch. He is incredible... His clarifty of thought and process is amazing.

I've never seen Rambo. I thinkthat could possibly be the weirdest possible thing I've ever started this off with. Probably not. LoL But I've never seen Rambo. I find that slighly amusing. I also find it slgihtly amusing that I'm watching a movie, RP'ing, and being a relationship counselor (ME!!!), all at the same time. AMAZING!!

I'm so excited- Tonight and tomorrow ngiht are going to be amazing. Hopefully. haha If I can pull it off. Tonight, SB is coming Down, OW OW!! And we're gonna have a night in- Movies, Ice cream, calzones, with Andrew, Kate, SB, and I, whoever else wants to come. haha It's open house at my place this weekend! Lol BYOB, whatev! Lol

Tomorrow is Ala night, and... OMG.. STA 4 EvA! haha WE BRING the party! haha