I have this song, this... acoustic guitar, orchestra, gorgeous song in my head. It rises and falls, opens once more, powerful and charismatic, full-strength in my ears and I want it louder, to get all the small undertones that escape unless the music is so loud it drowns everything else in its wake... What is this magical song, you ask?

The opening theme to Brokeback Mountain, which is... interesting.

I have only -paused- at several films in my life- first was Dances with Wolves. I can't remember why, but every time I watch it now, I turn it off before the whites come to take the land from the indians (PC, I know, but it's my journal, so...). And I need to watch it again, feel that amazing feeling of... When you take a deep breath and exhale and jsut sit there and your mind resonates with, "Oh." Nothing else, just... that one syllable, that one sound that sums it all up in a way that words cannot.

The next was The Last Samurai. Same feeling, same lack of expression, same... pit in my stomache and no way to allieve it except write and write and write meaningless words, words that cannot express the feeling but try to do so anyway.

Requiem of a Dream- The last 20 minutes are... so powerful, so incredibly -painful-, it hurts to watch. It hurts to contemplate, anything but push it down and let my subconscious manifest it through dreams is life-threatening.

Brokeback Mountain is... less painful, but equally thought-provoking. It makes me want to ... be a better person. It makes me want to open my damned eyes and just... leave them open. No more squinting, no more turning away. Face the world with wide-open eyes, let the critics be damned.

God, I'm so sorry... I never meant to scare you. Please know that. I hope you know that. I hope that... you realize I will scare you in the future, but never about who you are... Because I love you jsut for that- for being you. And everything that encompasses. God, now I'm crying... Jesus..

"I do believe I have been changed for the better.... And because I knew you... I have been changed for good." -Guess.